Dad, 91, lives at home and has had care helpers for 6 years.We employed full time help 2 years ago to take any burden off his wife. Dad has LTHC and we supplement the remainder. With his ALZ/dementia he is incredibly unique. Still does his own hygiene, plays cards, goes shopping etc. His spouse of 32 years moved out 8 weeks ago into her place in an adult community( 6 miles away) as she wanted to live her life to the fullest. She is 90. She was reported to PS 8 months ago for elder abuse and constantly made life difficult for all the caregivers and picked on Dad frequently .We had to employ a geriatric care manager for a year just to keep the peace between the caregivers , her family and our family.For a few years she had wanted to move Dad into a facility and we refused. Their are 6 kids in our family and we all take turns visiting , staying and helping. She also spent very little time with him while she was in the house. We are relieved she is no longer around . Forget the "for better or worse" as it does not exist here. Things have resumed to a nice steady schedule and Dad is very relaxed and almost better. But... she dictates to us that she can come and go as she pleases. She was added to the title of the house when Dad remarried (after Mom's death) and yes they are still married.She left tons of her items and stuff all over the house. Two bedrooms she occupied are left in shambles and Dad is always looking in them and wondering what is going on with all the mess. When she pops in and appears she causes agitation and confusion.Dad can't figure out where she is going and why she is leaving all the time. She is the one who went and told Dad she was moving out to live her life, yet we do not discuss it with him using those terms. His doctors currently are in agreement that we just keep saying she is away visiting family. Yesterday she arrived to move a few more bags of stuff and then told him she was leaving for Florida for three weeks. He became upset again and has stated she might as well just not come back. This leaves the caregivers with trying to distract. re-direct and cheer Dad up. What can we do ? He lives in Pennsylvania. Does Dad have any rights or must this be the way he exists ? We do not have a good working relationship with her family. Thank you.
Are you all determined to keep dad in that house, or just to keep him out of a facility? If it is that house, would it be possible to reach some kind of a financial settlement with the wife to remove her name from the deed? Of course, you would need to consult a lawyer to see what the community property laws are in your state. It would seem that selling the house might be the best solution. A house built more than thirty years ago is unlikely to be well suited to elder care. Maybe a different house with wider doorways, larger bathroom and no steps would allow dad to avoid a facility for a longer period of time. If the wife visits dad in the new house, it would be just a visit, with no discussion of storing or removing belongings. Would this be less upsetting to dad?
I don't see that your father is gaining anything from this ongoing almost stalemated relationship, but since he's a devout Catholic, perhaps some type of legal separation might work as opposed to divorce.
I would also use a "therapeutic fib" and tell him that you understand she has health issues that could be resolved by living in a different climate, so she won't be visiting as much.
Bluntly, it seems to me that her marriage commitment doesn't mean much to her and that she's essentially abandoning it, except for the storage facility issue.
In the meantime, I'd try to find other sources of socialization for him to ease whatever pain he might feel for what seems to be an abandonment by his wife.
That is why we accelerated Dad's LTHC, to take the burden of most of Dad's care off of his wife. Whenever she has , which is about 4 months out of the year total, we have gone in to provide extra coverage for Dad. Her sisters husband had ALZ and was put in a facility for about 6 years and so she is at least an observer of what to expect also. I know this is disease causes 'death" on many levels to many people. Dad states many times, with in- the -moment lucidity, "I have Alzheimers and my brain is dying." We tell him that he is doing a fine job and that those around him are aware of his disease.
The house is large enough that her items could be stored there, even though we as a family have mixed opinions on that. I just wish there was some way to impress upon her or her family the overall negative impact her visits have and might there be a solution. I have experienced myself having to leave my MIL when she was in a home and it was not a comfortable feeling for me and I knew it also upset her. Both these individuals have the right to a peaceful existence. Maybe we are asking for something that just cannot be delivered. But I question if she is even aware of the issues she is causing and if she is, does she care?
The question of divorce would not be acceptable to Dad on the basis of his devout Catholic beliefs. She is not Catholic,but it might not be fair to her either. Her family has stated frequently in the past 6 months that she values her marriage commitment, so I do not even want to explore that. Thank you again for the continued suggestions.
It's sounds like Dad is well cared for. Can you somehow get all of wife's stuff out of the house so she has less reason to visit? How does she get there? She still drives? Is it worth stirring up a hornets nest with the other family?
Could it be that your Dad's wife knows she is just not cut out to be a caregiver? Not all of us are. In fact there is a good article on the Aging Care website regarding that. Plus your Dad's wife is 90 years old. I have a feeling she felt very outnumbered, thus she left. And the reason for some of her comments. She is scared emotionally to what is happening to her husband of 30 some years.
My boss's wife had Alzheimer's for 15 years, it was in the final 3-4 years that it became very difficult for him. Prior to that she was doing usually well. He had a day care-giver for his wife during those last 3-4 years, but he took on the night duty. Too many times he came into work with having only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, as he was up caring for his wife who wouldn't sleep and who was having issues with incontinence, thus he was washing sheets at 3 in the morning, and showering her.
Have you asked her if she wants a divorce? Will she agree for her belongings to be packed up and delivered to a storage facility of her choice?
One responder asked what am I asking for? Maybe it is more emotional than legally logical but if visits to his home are disruptive when do his rights to a peaceful existence come into play? Based on what has happened and comments she has exercised hers already. She does not have any spousal POA as she did not want it. Dad takes care of all of his medical expenses and she has stated through an attorney that if he runs out of money for medical expenses he will not assume any financial responsibility. What can be asked for the sake of his peaceful existence? We are only wondering what we could legally expect and adhere to for both of them
Coming to forums like this for advice, both objective and personal is helpful. I have stated before on some of my prior responses that being judgmental in our responses on all of us, by all of us might be help you but not help us.
No wonder your Dad's wife picked on your Dad, she wanted them both to move into some place safer with on-staff caregivers. She knew what the future will bring. Even though you are all taking turns caring for your Dad, eventually it will be narrowed down to one grown child who does 100% of the work. Just wait, it will happen. Anne, are you ready to work 3 full-time shifts per day? Alzheimer's/Dementia does get better, it only gets worst.... and the different stages can change to the next stage very quickly.
My parents had lived in a single family home up into their 90's, and I know my Dad was to the point where he knew he could no longer keep maintaining the house.... the "honey do" lists keep on happening and there he was at 94 still climbing ladders, scared to death doing so, and doing yard work. But he wanted to keep Mom [98] happy.
Dad wanted to move to Independent Living but my Mom refused to do so... no amount of pleading would get her to even look at the places, and there were places that were like 5-star resorts. I wouldn't have blamed Dad if he had decided to move out on his own and leave Mom behind, but he was afraid to do that. So each day going up and down those stairs, he hoped he or Mom wouldn't be falling.... but they did, and that still wouldn't convince Mom to move.
Last month my Dad moved into Independent Living on his own... my Mom had died due to complications from a fall a couple of months ago. Dad is still angry that Mom didn't take his advice to move some place safer, as she would have been with him today.... [sigh].
I would ask, what was your families reaction when she said she didn't want to care for him in that way any more? Did encourage them to move together, perhaps to a facility that would offer various levels of care? Often the elderly have to separate in their final years because one spouse needs a higher level of care, it doesn't mean the marriage is over or that they no longer care about each other. You say he has alzheimer's yet you seem to deny the reality of his dementia, when he is confused you must continue to cheerfully offer a plausible explanation and redirect. She has rights as his spouse that probably supersede yours, what is it you want to accomplish?