Best way to deal with irrationality?
It is frustrating dealing with mom's irrationality. She's always been this way to some extent, it just seems to be getting worse. Doc has not yet weighed in on dementia but I see it.
Every little thing has to be a certain way in her world. It may be part of that being the only way she can process. And things are very extreme. For instance, small example, but she moves my water glass on the table, even though it is well within where it should be, because she is sure I am somehow going to dump it all over and she will have to "replace her furniture." EVen if it's just water. I'm quite sure at this late I've figured out how to have a catastrophe-free meal. Yet every night, she moves the glass.
There are many examples far more irrational than that, but I don't want to put down any details that might identify her. She has a great deal of anxiety about what should be normal things. When you try to present her with a fact or show her that what she is saying is not plausible, she gets very angry and then accuses me of forcing her blood pressure to raise and 'making her sick.' (Those physical changes actually do happen with her so I try not to agitate her). She tries to control every detail of everything and is constantly coming into my room to talk about the kitchen sponge, this or that. She's not really that controlling by nature so much as I think it shakes up her world when things are shifting and changing.
She has been having some things that I believe are hallucinations, I sometimes hear her talking to herself in the bathroom, and challenging anything with reality just makes her furious. And goes nowhere.
But where that leaves me is basically as a surrogate husband - I've settled into the 'yes dear's". I rarely get anywhere trying to challenge her. I find myself stuffing down anger with cake and ice cream and sometimes going to bed with adrenaline in m system. I've tried not to let my anger show but it either stuffs back down or comes out passive-aggressively. I sometimes end up going to bed with adrenaline in my system. Rational conversation only goes so far because it's the little irrationalities that drive me up the wall. The big things we can generally handle.
This is getting very unhealthy on my end, and I often have the urge to break something just to let it out - but I don't. Although I did bang my bed with a pillow last week.
When I can afford to , it will be best for us both for me to get my own place unless there is a medical reason to do otherwise. FOr now, this is what it is.
Suggestions on handling anger and cortisol? Thank you
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"Maggie! You hurt my arm!!!" (No, I barely grazed it, but she wasn't expecting it.) "Oh, mom, I'm sorry. I'll be more careful."
"Maggie! That glass is going to fall off the table!"
"Okay, let's move it."
"Maggie! My Depends are wet!" (No, they're not.)
"Okay, mom, let's change them.
"Maggie! You left me in bed all morning!" (It's 6 AM.)
"I'll try to get up earlier tomorrow." (No, I won't actually. Ha!)
"Maggie! There's someone breaking into the neighbor's house!" (It's the UPS man walking up the steps.)
"Really? Okay, let's see what he does, and I'll call the police."
In other words, whatever she says? I agree with. She's not in her right mind after all. Trying to reason with someone who has dementia and is convinced of their own reality is a waste of breath. Smile a little smile to yourself...be glad it's not you...wink at visitors...and give yourself a big hug and pat on the back.
Such is the life of a caregiver.
As for how to respond to her irrationality, that's a tough one. As a very rational person, my MIL's rampant irrationality drives me nuts. I don't live with her (Thank all that is holy) but she frequently comes out with gems that make no sense. Like this one:
"It's too bad that Cousin X died at only seventy-five. He fell from the barn rafters onto a cement floor when he was five, and hit his head. That's why he died so young."
I thought to myself, Cousin X lived SEVENTY YEARS after he fell on his head! The head injury didn't kill him! He lived about as long as was normal for white males of his generation, you aggravating woman!
What I said was, "That's too bad. I know you liked Cousin X."
In MIL's case, she's always been irrational, and age isn't improving her reasoning power any.
Just tuning out and going with it will save you a lot of stress. It might also help if you report some of her odder remarks here. I, for one, would love to hear about what's up with the kitchen sponge.
I don't think she's afraid I will get murdered every time I go to he store, but is convinced that no one goes out in the evening - "no one" - because it's just unsage to do so. That may be true in some places, but we live in a suburban retirment community where your demise is most likely to be caused by a rogue golf cart.
I've written this before but I think it's a good analogy so I'll repost it. I took an Alzheimer's Assn. class on caregiving, and one of our group exercises was to imagine this scenario:
You're on the free way driving home in a (rainstorm)(blizzard). Traffic is slow, visibility is low, defrosters aren't working well and you have to keep clearing the windows. Driving conditions are terrible. You're stressed from the traffic and from inching along on the freeway.
The passenger next to you is talking constantly, not really saying anything but just chattering way. It's hard to concentrate.
Then you look in your rear view mirror and see a big truck coming at you (likely down an entrance ramp) and it doesn't appear as if it's going to stop. How do YOU feel? Terror? Panic?
The idea is that people suffering from dementia can feel this overwhelming sense of too much stimuli, and it becomes fearful and threatening. There's also a sense of loss of control.
But I can imagine how irritating it must be for you, especially with the need for socialization at unsocial hours.
I don't know of any good ways to deal with that other than try to have a social hour before she goes to bed and get it over with, but then her mind isn't really in control at specified times.
The anger is something I think most of us can understand. Cortisol stress is toxic, as you seem to know.
Sometimes you can defuse it by listening to music, doing exercises (but not enough to get you physically charged up, just enough to relax you). If you draw, play an instrument, journal, or even just read, try to do that before bedtime to counteract that stress.
I think what works for some doesn't work for everyone, but do try the soothing music first.
And yes, this forum needs to have an edit function for posting.
I notice my parents [92 & 96] are still helicopter parents toward me [68]. Any time I get a cold, they would think I wouldn't have tissues, antihistamines, cough drops, etc. in the house.... OMG, I spend the last 50 years never having any of this stuff in my own home :P
I have high cortisol and the stomach fat that goes with it. (One smug doctor told me that I needed to 'learn how to deal with stress.' Like I don't already know that?)
A counselor once told me to say to her 'well, you may be right, but......'
And they also said that I could try ' why do you think that?'
The last one seems to work best for me - you could try it. Good luck.
Your MIL would hate my MIL, whom I once caught using the same sponge to wash her dishes as she used to wipe bird feces from her car windshield. MIL has a housekeeper and a groundskeeper, but she doesn't like them to do work because "their ancestors were slaves." (????) I say we bring them together and let them drive each other nuts.
sodonewithsal, your mother sounds like mine when it comes to cleanliness. I have to pick up all the cloths after they are used to make sure she doesn't clean the floor, then wash the dishes with the same cloth. It is really disgusting, so I've gotten a little OCD about it myself.
Personally, I think we ought to have medals for caregivers -- purple hearts, medals of valor, silver stars, medals of honor, peace prizes. I think most of us would be well decorated by now.
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