It is frustrating dealing with mom's irrationality. She's always been this way to some extent, it just seems to be getting worse. Doc has not yet weighed in on dementia but I see it.
Every little thing has to be a certain way in her world. It may be part of that being the only way she can process. And things are very extreme. For instance, small example, but she moves my water glass on the table, even though it is well within where it should be, because she is sure I am somehow going to dump it all over and she will have to "replace her furniture." EVen if it's just water. I'm quite sure at this late I've figured out how to have a catastrophe-free meal. Yet every night, she moves the glass.
There are many examples far more irrational than that, but I don't want to put down any details that might identify her. She has a great deal of anxiety about what should be normal things. When you try to present her with a fact or show her that what she is saying is not plausible, she gets very angry and then accuses me of forcing her blood pressure to raise and 'making her sick.' (Those physical changes actually do happen with her so I try not to agitate her). She tries to control every detail of everything and is constantly coming into my room to talk about the kitchen sponge, this or that. She's not really that controlling by nature so much as I think it shakes up her world when things are shifting and changing.
She has been having some things that I believe are hallucinations, I sometimes hear her talking to herself in the bathroom, and challenging anything with reality just makes her furious. And goes nowhere.
But where that leaves me is basically as a surrogate husband - I've settled into the 'yes dear's". I rarely get anywhere trying to challenge her. I find myself stuffing down anger with cake and ice cream and sometimes going to bed with adrenaline in m system. I've tried not to let my anger show but it either stuffs back down or comes out passive-aggressively. I sometimes end up going to bed with adrenaline in my system. Rational conversation only goes so far because it's the little irrationalities that drive me up the wall. The big things we can generally handle.
This is getting very unhealthy on my end, and I often have the urge to break something just to let it out - but I don't. Although I did bang my bed with a pillow last week.
When I can afford to , it will be best for us both for me to get my own place unless there is a medical reason to do otherwise. FOr now, this is what it is.
Suggestions on handling anger and cortisol? Thank you
There is nothing wrong with talking to one's self, many level headed people do that.... it helps us [yes I do that] sort out things. I am so glad that hands free cellphones were invented as now, while driving, if someone seeing me taking, they assume I am taking into my cellphone :)
Next time your Mom doesn't feel you are moving quick enough to start the car or do any other chore, ask her if she would want to drive or do the chore herself so that it would be done the way she wants it done.
Maybe your Mom needs a female friend her own age, someone to talk to.... the two of them could spend hours talking and complaining. Do you live near a Senior Community Senior where your Mom could meet new people?
I will check out those resources and connections.
it is fast becoming apparent that the "yes dears" are the best strategy, the path of least resistance.
As to the hallucinations, it's probably not the case all the time, but I do have some evidence of that from things that she's told me. Some of it may be just working things out in her head - except I think she may be talking to someone.
I'm just at my wits end and having a very difficult time with my anger. I can't seem to keep it from leaking out and believe me I am trying. small incidents. LIke she was going to get something very light, and it had three towels draped over it, so she just looked at it and then went and sat down. I had to come in from the other room and move the towels. Which i did angrily and patronizingly. She says she's old and I'm younger so I can do it. Sh'es not lazy, she just believes she is frail (she's not that frail) and thinks that even picking up her tiny little purse is 'heavy.' Whole time she was complaining about the heat. One step into the heat, she's complaining that' sit's making her sick. Really. One step. Not even off the front step.. and after a point i just am ready to scream.
We were out for about two hours today, one stop and then the grocery store. In the car it was over and over, at least 30 complaints about how she feels, how she hates the sun, how she hates the heat, how she feels bad (again), how she has cramps because she had a piece of bread yesterday, on and on and F*ing ON. I finally snapped at her and told her to knock it off, told her I would take her home if she wanted to go and she was genuinely sick, and offered to do the shopping, which she declined but then continued to complain.
We got in the car and I was getting the keys out of my purse. "Hurry up, " she kept saying "It's hot." " Turn the car on. I can't take the heat. " I told her I was getting the keys out of my purse and could not turn the car on without them. "Hurry up. Do it now." "It's too hot. IIt's making me sick. " Etc. Started again. Loop.
There is a household decision that has to be made, something needs to be inspected by a professional, that is urgent, which she just brushes off as if it is no big deal even though it could lead to major damage if it's not addressed. It's those kinds of things that drive me up the wall also. I am going to need to move out here eventually because it will be best for both of us. My main fear also is that if she continues to get worse I will be stuck there 24-7 babysitting. Is there anything that willl allow for in-home nursing care when you don't have any money?
Yesterday I went to take a shower, and she was knocking on the door of the bathrrom. "Is that you?" I told her I was taking a shower. "Well come out here. I want to talk to you. Right away." I told her I was in the bathroom and unavailable and would be out when I was done. I hurried up and dried off and came out to see what the dire emergency was. "No emergency. I just hand't seen you and and wanted to talk (about current goings-on). I told her that from here on to not knock on the bathroom door unless the house was on fire. She regularly knocks on the door when I am in there to ask something that could wait. She does not seem to understand what can wait and what can't, everything is urgent and immediate. I am not sure how to set boundaries with this , if that's even possible. She is not controlling by nature, as in ordering people around, it's more that she's anxious and can't seem to delay resolution for whatever it is that's important in that minute.
I nee to find a way to keep my temper in check because it's coming out passive-aggressively, and that helps no one. I want to be serene enough to laugh it off but I really am feeling the internal effects of my own anger in this.
There you have it.
I facilitate support groups in New Jersey . Very helpful, excellent information.
How much of a pain would it be to put your water glass where it doesn't cause your Mummy any anxiety? If you don't suffer from OCD, then just move the glass. No biggie.
People that talk to themselves are not necessarily hallucinating. You need more evidence of hallucination than a mere surmise based on that. Lots of people, including me, talk to themselves. It is not a sign of being wacko, but a useful device to facilitate decision making. If she is having hallucinations, then apart from psychotropic drugs there's little you can do to stop them. If all they do is cause her to talk to herself, or to respond to her voices, if she has voices, then where's the harm?
If only caregivers would stop trying to make someone whose mind has changed revert back to what it was when they approved of them, there would be a lot less misery and a lot more happiness in caregiver situations.
You can no more argue a deluded person aback to 'normality' than you can beat the Chinese language into a fish with a stick, snd only someone completely daft would even make the attempt.
To caregivers with 'difficult' patients, stop making was against the differences, and accept with all the good grace you can muster that your loved one is now different, not through choice but by circumstance that you and all the gods of medicine are, for the most part, powerless to change.
Get on with life, making the best of what may very well be a bad lot. Whatever it is, your calling to to adopt the nurse's creed:
To Heal - Sometimes
To Improve - Often
To Comfort - Always.
My your God bless you.
I've recently discovered two excellent resources - Jo Huey and "The 10 Absolutes" in dealing with Dementia. Also there are hours of seminars on YouTube from Teepa Snow on the Senor Helpers channel. A MUST need to know for any adult child caring for their aging parent. In hopes these help you.
My parents home is so dark it is like a cave.... both my parents have age related eye problems so I am sure they are stepping on dropped papers and pencils. Any time I suggest they might want to think about opening up the shades to bring in some light, Mom will say "I don't want the sun to fade the furniture"..... I can understand that if the furniture was brand new, but many decades old, none are antiques. I want to say your safety is more important than the sun touching the edge of the side table, but I know it would fall on deaf ears.
There were still catastrophes in the making, but not the obsession with the potential for catastrophe. I know it is very hard not to get angry, but it is really not your responsibility to make her understand that she is obsessing. She is obsessing because of the disease of dementia/alzheimers, and not for any rational reason, so there is really no rational argument you can make to put her at ease. It is nice of you to try though.
sodonewithsal, your mother sounds like mine when it comes to cleanliness. I have to pick up all the cloths after they are used to make sure she doesn't clean the floor, then wash the dishes with the same cloth. It is really disgusting, so I've gotten a little OCD about it myself.
Personally, I think we ought to have medals for caregivers -- purple hearts, medals of valor, silver stars, medals of honor, peace prizes. I think most of us would be well decorated by now.
But maybe some dementia become a bit ocd gosh sometimes when i look at the mess here i wish mum had this!
Your MIL would hate my MIL, whom I once caught using the same sponge to wash her dishes as she used to wipe bird feces from her car windshield. MIL has a housekeeper and a groundskeeper, but she doesn't like them to do work because "their ancestors were slaves." (????) I say we bring them together and let them drive each other nuts.
I notice my parents [92 & 96] are still helicopter parents toward me [68]. Any time I get a cold, they would think I wouldn't have tissues, antihistamines, cough drops, etc. in the house.... OMG, I spend the last 50 years never having any of this stuff in my own home :P
I have high cortisol and the stomach fat that goes with it. (One smug doctor told me that I needed to 'learn how to deal with stress.' Like I don't already know that?)
A counselor once told me to say to her 'well, you may be right, but......'
And they also said that I could try ' why do you think that?'
The last one seems to work best for me - you could try it. Good luck.
I've written this before but I think it's a good analogy so I'll repost it. I took an Alzheimer's Assn. class on caregiving, and one of our group exercises was to imagine this scenario:
You're on the free way driving home in a (rainstorm)(blizzard). Traffic is slow, visibility is low, defrosters aren't working well and you have to keep clearing the windows. Driving conditions are terrible. You're stressed from the traffic and from inching along on the freeway.
The passenger next to you is talking constantly, not really saying anything but just chattering way. It's hard to concentrate.
Then you look in your rear view mirror and see a big truck coming at you (likely down an entrance ramp) and it doesn't appear as if it's going to stop. How do YOU feel? Terror? Panic?
The idea is that people suffering from dementia can feel this overwhelming sense of too much stimuli, and it becomes fearful and threatening. There's also a sense of loss of control.
But I can imagine how irritating it must be for you, especially with the need for socialization at unsocial hours.
I don't know of any good ways to deal with that other than try to have a social hour before she goes to bed and get it over with, but then her mind isn't really in control at specified times.
The anger is something I think most of us can understand. Cortisol stress is toxic, as you seem to know.
Sometimes you can defuse it by listening to music, doing exercises (but not enough to get you physically charged up, just enough to relax you). If you draw, play an instrument, journal, or even just read, try to do that before bedtime to counteract that stress.
I think what works for some doesn't work for everyone, but do try the soothing music first.
And yes, this forum needs to have an edit function for posting.
I don't think she's afraid I will get murdered every time I go to he store, but is convinced that no one goes out in the evening - "no one" - because it's just unsage to do so. That may be true in some places, but we live in a suburban retirment community where your demise is most likely to be caused by a rogue golf cart.
As for how to respond to her irrationality, that's a tough one. As a very rational person, my MIL's rampant irrationality drives me nuts. I don't live with her (Thank all that is holy) but she frequently comes out with gems that make no sense. Like this one:
"It's too bad that Cousin X died at only seventy-five. He fell from the barn rafters onto a cement floor when he was five, and hit his head. That's why he died so young."
I thought to myself, Cousin X lived SEVENTY YEARS after he fell on his head! The head injury didn't kill him! He lived about as long as was normal for white males of his generation, you aggravating woman!
What I said was, "That's too bad. I know you liked Cousin X."
In MIL's case, she's always been irrational, and age isn't improving her reasoning power any.
Just tuning out and going with it will save you a lot of stress. It might also help if you report some of her odder remarks here. I, for one, would love to hear about what's up with the kitchen sponge.
"Maggie! You hurt my arm!!!" (No, I barely grazed it, but she wasn't expecting it.) "Oh, mom, I'm sorry. I'll be more careful."
"Maggie! That glass is going to fall off the table!"
"Okay, let's move it."
"Maggie! My Depends are wet!" (No, they're not.)
"Okay, mom, let's change them.
"Maggie! You left me in bed all morning!" (It's 6 AM.)
"I'll try to get up earlier tomorrow." (No, I won't actually. Ha!)
"Maggie! There's someone breaking into the neighbor's house!" (It's the UPS man walking up the steps.)
"Really? Okay, let's see what he does, and I'll call the police."
In other words, whatever she says? I agree with. She's not in her right mind after all. Trying to reason with someone who has dementia and is convinced of their own reality is a waste of breath. Smile a little smile to yourself...be glad it's not you...wink at visitors...and give yourself a big hug and pat on the back.
Such is the life of a caregiver.