Mom has been in a facility of some sort since last May. She is always angry and wanting to go home. She gets very agitated and walks the floors begging everyone for a phone so she can call her daughters to come get her. It’s very distressing seeing her like that. Visits are always angry and demanding. I have not been into see her since Christmas because of Covid. I watch her constantly on Blink camera, and oversee her medical care daily with visiting nurses, memory care staff, and doctors. She also has 24 seven private care with her since she’s afraid to be alone. Watching her on camera I see she is bonding more with the personal caregivers, since not visiting her this past month she is no longer as agitated. Sometimes I just wonder is my visiting hurting her, or helping her? I don’t want her to feel abandoned, she’s not. Like I said I’m in constant contact with caregivers and watching her on the blink camera. However at the same time if visiting her causes more agitation I don’t know if it’s a good thing for me to visit. I love her with all my heart, it’s breaking me seeing her like this. I feel so very helpless.
She is in Memory care with 24/7 aides? I admit that MC does not give one on one attention but they do have common areas where the residents meet and eat. They do have activities and entertainment. She should be relying on the MC staff. Just a suggestion. She should not be relying on the xtra aides. I would start weaning her off. I would tell these aides to start trying to get her acclimated to the routine of the MC. Make sure she is out in the common area more than her room. Having her join in with activities and entertainment. If she pretty much sleeps thru the night, drop that aide. The MC has aides who will check on her. Daytime, the MC aide could be getting her up and out for breakfast and maybe lunch. Then have an aide from lunch till bedtime. But that aide should be making sure ur Mom is involved because eventually, she needs to go too. She is paying big time for this MC.
Yes when they are in AL and MC we still have responsibilities. But a lot has been taken off our shoulders. I was no longer responsible for her prescriptions. I did visit everyday because I lived 5 min up the road but no longer than a half hour. I was not responsible for her intimate care.
My daughter and my brother both said I was my own worst enemy. Mom will never be cared for like we would have done. My big thing was I wanted her to look nice and her hair look decent. I made sure she looked nice by hanging her clothes in sets. Then I knew everything would match. Her hair, we never got that solved. It was fine and fly away. I carried a brush and small bottle of hair spray. Sprayed the brush then ran it thru her hair, it helped. Think, do you worry about things you have no control over? The MC aides have routines that we can't change. Try not to micro manage. If visiting seems to upset Mom, then don't go as often. If when u go, she gets agitated, leave.
But you have to allow her to get acclimated to the MC and their staff. She has to eventually except it as home. Maybe talk to the director or head nurse on how to go about weaning her off the xtra aides.
I'd discuss with the staff the best time they think you can visit-depending on COVID restrictions. Could a Zoom meeting be arranged with your Mom?
Otherwise, I'd step back a bit, and take some time off. It's ok to be distressed, but as you well know, this condition does not get any better, and to reconcile yourself to the inevitable out come. Does not imply you should give up, but you have done the best you can and now this is how things are. Not fair, not easy, not nice, not kind, but....either roll with it, or it'll roll over you.