My boyfriend's mother had him semi-late in life (she was 37 and already had a 15 year old and 20 year old daughter). She's now 65 and has been diagnosed with Parkinson's as of about a month ago. For the past two years or so she's been hiding any medical issues from my bf and not caring for herself. Recently she's just stopped cleaning or taking care of herself and her apartment all together. We went over this past weekend and emptied 10 garbage bags of expired food and trash just from her kitchen. She used to be pretty clean (even worked as a maid at hotels until about a year ago), but now she seems to just think it's normal and somewhat funny that her place is such a wreck. She's gained a ton of weight because all she eats is fast food, drink beer, and eat sweets. She used to enjoy cooking, but now we suspect she's eating out 2 to 3 times per day. Financially and health-wise she can't afford to keep this up, but she won't go out and walk and won't cut back on the junk food. Any time we try to suggest little changes she could make she laughs us off. My bf's mother has always had issues -- she was controlling and stalked my bf when he was in high school, making it difficult for him to even have friends or be a normal teen. She lost her first daughter to the state when the first daughter was around 10, and due to other issues when that daughter became an adult, the two don't even speak anymore. The other daughter lives in town and cares about her mom, but isn't very reliable when she says she's going to show up and help out. His mother has always been a little bit manipulative, and a few years ago was diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia. She's more docile now (as in, doesn't follow him around town showing up to his work or our home, but still texts him every single day to check in on him), but obviously there's still strain on the relationship because while my bf loves his mother, she's never been a "good mom." He makes himself visit her and tries to be interested in her life, but she doesn't ever leave the house and is so overly attentive via text that mostly he just feels smothered by her and dreads going to see her. The biggest issue lately is her not being able to care for herself. She has a slight tremor in her hand from Parkinson's Disease, but her doctor has said she's still in the early stages and should be able to function well for awhile still. She doesn't ask questions and hasn't even seen a neurologist, she forgets to inform my bf of her doctor's appointments so we don't even really know what the next step is. Her finances are a disaster and we can't afford to put her in assisted living, but at the same time I don't feel that it's fair to us to go over every weekend to clean her place while she sits and watches. My bf is a social worker and spends 55+ hours a week dealing with other people's disastrous family lives, he deserves a break on the weekends. When she was first diagnosed I felt sorry for her and wanted to help in any way possible, but now that we've seen that she has no interest in changing her ways or getting the help she needs mentally or physically, it's hard for me to not feel some resentment toward her. I think she sees the hours we spend cleaning her apartment as a chance to make her son visit her. I know she's probably depressed, but she stops taking medication and seeing a doctor for her bipolar and schizophrenia and so there's little hope of her keeping up therapy or medication for depression. My bf and I are 27 and just getting to the potentially engaged and married stage, and eventually may want children. But it seems like it would be impossible for us to start our own family when his mother's care is looming over our heads. Allowing her to live with us is not an option (space wise and we both work full time long hours), and even if it was I feel like my bf would be constantly on edge if she did. We don't have the money to pay for outside help or assisted living. Does anyone have suggestions for how to cope with both the resentment my bf and I feel toward her while also trying to manage and make sure we're aware of all of her medical diagnosis and financial issues so we can help her handle them?
How do we make a grown woman go to her doctor appointments? It's just not fair on her children that she is letting herself go and they really can't do anything but watch her waste away and ignore issues.
Thay90,
I would suggest you talk to your future fiancé as to what his plans are and where his "enough is enough" limit is with her. Then, he should have a talk with his mother about her behavior. Tell her that her sloppiness and constant texting is driving him away. If she keeps it up, he'll have to stop seeing her. You both have to be on the same page.
I would try harder to get the sister more involved. Meet with her, explain the situation and enlist her help.
You can try but if mom wants to live like that, there's not much you can do to stop her. Maybe she needs a psychiatric medication adjustment.
Good luck.
Keep us informed as this progresses. We care.
My bf works for a different county doing foster care work, so it's completely out of his scope of social work. He's clueless on where to start on elderly care, so I've offered to research options. I've got a ticket in for the Aging Care in our area that does meals on wheels and offers therapy, etc -- we're waiting to hear back. Overall I'm just not sure how to detach because I want to help my bf figure out how to get her help, but he doesn't have the time or is overwhelmed when facing how to figure out Medicaid applications, etc. So it's come down to me trying to research things and lay out options for him. I'm a "fixer" so having everything up in the air and undecided just makes me anxious, this is my way of "fixing" things -- researching options for him. She doesn't have any motivation to look into anything, and I'm sure it's overwhelming to her as well.
She's not mean-spirited -- in fact she's rather childlike and docile -- she just laughs everything off and because we can't be there 24/7 she does what she wants. She hides things from my bf (he got a collection's call the other day looking for her) and makes it impossible for us to plan anything because we get new curveballs every week.
I will check with Human Services about a needs evaluation -- thank you for the suggestion!
First, about the resentment. That goes back to childhood and the nature of bf's relationship with his mother. (Is there a dad involved?) If a child was removed from her care she was obviously NOT a good mother. I hope she improved by the time bf arrived, but I'm sure there is a lot of legitimate cause for resentment. Your resentment stems from more recent behavior, but I'll bet if bf had a great relationship with her your feelings would be somewhat different. One suggestion on the resentment issue would be for bf to get some counseling regarding his dysfunctional upbringing. Another is to reduce your involvement in Mother's life. The more you detach the less the resentment (at least theoretically).
About Mother's behavior. This woman has Parkinson's, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. Her brain does not work correctly. She has serious diseases that effect her cognitive abilities, her physical abilities, and her personality. It is no wonder that she isn't acting normal. She isn't normal. She is sick. It MIGHT help your resentment a bit, and also help you plan for her care to keep firmly in mind that her brain is broken.
Unless you or bf (preferably both) have training in psychiatric disorders I don't see any way that you can be her primary caregivers going forward. This for 3 reasons, really. First the diseases she has are not do-it-yourself projects for untrained people. And secondly bf's understandable resentment make him a poor candidate to be her caregiver. And thirdly, the time commitment for the care Mother needs is not compatible with working and starting a family.
So, don't be her primary caregiver, and start detaching. Then how is Mother going to get the care she so obviously needs and you can't afford. Definitely don't use your money! Her needs, her money. If she cannot afford the care she needs she should apply for Medicaid. She needs healthy meals easily available. She needs someone to manage her medications and see that she takes them. She needs cleaning help so there are no science experiments festering in her fridge. Perhaps she could stay at home with meals on wheels, a house cleaner, and someone to manage her medications. I think a care center would be ideal but perhaps with some outside help she could stay at home a while yet.
All of this should start with a needs evaluation. Arrange for that through her county's Human Services Department. (Is that where bf works?) They will assess what she needs and also how it might be paid for.
Sitting around watching you clean sounds very lazy. But keep in mind that she has serious mental illness.
She could live a long time, and you are way too young to ruin your life by it becoming entangled with this woman.