You moved our parent hours away from the rest of the family to be near you. Now you complain you "are the only one doing anything". Why? You moved our elderly parent hours away from the rest of the family(including the grandchildren) in order that you would have them closer to you. Those of us left behind did everything we could think of to prevent this move, including letting you know we would not be able to visit. You did it anyway and now complain all the time and are furious because you are "doing everything alone". You made this mess and now want to blame it on all your siblings who did not want this situation to take place from the start.
Pam, find some chocolate and I'll join you!
At the same time, I know that my life has meaning. I know I am the rock that keeps everyone else's life normal, no matter how crumbly I might be. It may not be much fun to be a sedentary, crumbly rock, but it is just a phase of life I'm going through right now.
You grab your wine. I'll get a beer. Cheese and crackers, anyone?
Do you need help?
And really, the senior services for Alabama in the link you provided did lead to a dead end. http://www.adss.alabama.gov/ was no longer up and running. That happens when things change.
I don't think it's abusive for people to say they hate their do-nothing sibs. These threads are only intended for the ears of fellow caregivers, many of whom are facing the same issues. They're just letting off steam, which is one of the purposes of this board.
You display a glaring lack of sympathy and support for those of us who are trapped in the middle with our elderly parents - no help from siblings (or way too little), no affordable services, and no feasible way out.
It gets under my skin because I've heard many of the same statements from my one local sibling who does the least to help my mother. She was the one to accuse me of acting like a martyr and also the one to jump all over me with guilt trips, accusing me of reneging on my promises to Mom, when I wanted to move 90 miles away for an academic program and only take care of Mom on weekends. I don't hate her but I sure as hell resent her attitude.
We do have Meals on Wheels here, and there is home companions who don't charge too much ($10-30 an hour). There is a state program called Alabama Cares that is supposed to provide around 6 hours free respite a week, but I haven't heard of anyone using that. Maybe it is because no one knows where to find it. Is it really anywhere? I can't even find it on the internet anymore. I can't use 6 hours free respite, but I know some people could.
I'm sure there are many resources I don't know about. That is where a good county social worker comes in handy. What I found for my parents was that they had too much to qualify for much of anything. I have a feeling, however, that there are many areas of the country that have elder-friendly services. We'll probably see more in time as more people are opting to age in place.
Also key would be, prior to taking on the responsibility of caregiving one would have access to FULL DISCLOSURE about the often unfolding changes, responsibilities, and expectations of caregivers as the recipient of care need's change. Impossible to predict! It would be ignorant to believe there is this: "Will you be the only caregiver?", and the answer is a one-time, lifelong, "Yes". And no one tells the caregiver ahead of time: They will fight you on this, at every turn, both your parents and siblings, spouse, and extended family. That does not make anyone a martyr, imop.
There is a delicate psychological and emotional balance going on here in a good way, with desperate caregivers getting support, venting, having successes, and then helping others.
Your presence here is welcome, as Windy stated. However, if your statements mess with any of the dear people who are well-loved and understood by us all here; if we have to put them back together after you have enjoyed your time here, some of us are gonna come through the screen and give you a virtual SPLATT.
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I like this discussion and that fact that you're spicing things up a bit but in all honestly, some of your comments are bordering on arrogance. Just sayin.......
Also you comment THEY WILL NOT ALLOW OUTSIDE HELP, THAT IS NOT THEIR DECISION. well at some point it's not but my Dad will just kick them out right now if I send anyone, carpet cleaners, caregivers, meals on wheels etc. when he becomes clearly incompetent yea, I'll make my moves. But for many of us our oldsters are still in control. It will be crisis driven for me. Next ER trip, bad fall, Dad can't remember anything at all, in comes the help or off they go to a facility.
Contact your local senior ombudsman. S/he will be able to point you in the proper direction.
Having tried to find some in home help recently, I can also tell you that there are some agencies that have grandiose claims but asking specific questions has led me to believe that they can't back up their claims. That can happen with any hired agency or service, whether it's from lawn care to in home care so it's not unique, but it is a fact of hiring outsiders.
But I can tell you personally that I've faced limitations and likely will face more as I age b/c of being inbetween categories financially. It would be nice to think that services really are available to elderly and disabled, but they're not in reality if you can't afford them b/c your only source of income is SS.
In fact, there's a current post by a woman trying to find a source to pay for oxygen for her disabled 57 year old sister, who has been rejected for disability and needs financial assistance for oxygen.
I made no such statement that any service should, could, or would take the place of family. However, one cannot have their cake and eat it too. Either one wants help or one does not. Demanding it of other who for whatever reason are unavailable is not reasonable. To complain about such when outside service IS available seems the opinion of one who prefers to be a martyr. . . That comes from inside, not outside the self. . .
If you are trying to say that there are always affordable services to take the place of family caregivers, I think you're very sadly mistaken.
All the needs you described above (and more) are provided by these services. Google - elder care homemaker/companion services.
There are many caregivers who don't have the option of bringing in outside help because there is no money to pay the outside help or to enter assisted living. Many elderly are not impaired enough to qualify for Medicaid but still require a lot of help, especially those who can no longer drive but who live in a place where there is no public transportation (or who are not capable of using what public transportation there is). My mother needs help with something nearly every day. Grocery shopping, doctors appointments, housekeeping tasks, changing batteries and light bulbs, taking out garbage, bringing in mail, a whole long list of stuff. It can easily steal an adult child's independence, as it has mine. Many people here are in worse situations. Lots of people can't get away for a few hours, let alone a few days. That steals your life and your independence for sure.