*Situation
My boyfriend of 2 years the other night told me how he worries a lot about his best friend who struggles with degenerative health issues, and talked about how ideally would want all 3 of us to live together. Seems he at some point promised to support her and care for her when she has health issues. But he NEVER mentioned this EVER to me when we’ve discussed our future plans. I feel so blindsided. I didn’t want to come off as insensitive so I didn’t pry just that I was very surprised. Then he said “well of course your opinion matters. All I know is I am in love with you and want to grow old with you.” I just feel like no matter what I say, it will seem insensitive to Mary and her health issues and his commitment to help her. But at the same time, this is a big commitment on his part and doesn’t seem compatible with the relationship plans we’ve talked about. I know I need to have another talk but want to be delicate and not seem insensitive to Mary. Please see below for more context on the friendship and more details that may help/impact your feedback. Thank you in advance for your help and guidance!
*More background
I am 34 and have been dating my boyfriend Matt (42 years old) for 2 years. Before dating, we met in grad school in Boston and were best friends for 4 years. His other best friend was a young woman, Mary (31 years old), who he lived with in Kansas. She was the one that urged Matt for years to tell me how he felt, and was so happy when we finally started dating. I knew she struggled with some health issues and was on immune-suppressing medicine to deal with it (degenerative issues that affect her joints and some chronic pain issues). A couple years ago, Mary broke up with her boyfriend so she decided to take a travel work contract and move to the East Coast, a few hours away from Matt and I. Matt would visit about one weekend a month and often I’d tag along. For the 1.5 years of our relationship, Matt and I lived in Boston in our separate apartments and did usual relationship things like traveling, meeting each other’s families and planning our future together. Then COVID happened…our city announced there would be a lockdown. Mary had just broken up with her longterm boyfriend, so Matt left Boston to go stay with Mary (in case she got sick, this way she wouldn’t be by herself in case got COVID). After a few weeks, I left to join Mary and Matt and have been here ever since. It has been very difficult being a couple, and living with a third person (the apartment is small, and have little privacy). But I always felt very grateful to be here and to Mary for welcoming me. I also took a lot of comfort in the fact this was a temporary situation and Matt and I soon would get our own place.
The other night Matt got emotional about how scared he was about COVID because he knew if Mary contracted it she likely would get very sick and potentially could be fatal coupled with her other health issues. He said he wants to “always make sure she’s okay and not alone and struggling.” I probed to ask what he meant by that logistically, and he said he was happy with the current living situation with all 3 of us. And ideally we’d find a place with her, or at the least she’d live closeby. It seemed he had made a commitment to Mary and be her caretaker when her health gets bad.
But he’s NEVER mentioned this to me EVER, and we’ve had a lot of conversations about the future. And a surprise because before COVID, she seemed fine living independently, with only a 1x month visit from Matt. She also moved far away from her hometown, friends and family to this travel work position, so she only has Matt as potential support geographically close by.
It’s noble he’s made a promise to help a friend, but this feels like it goes WAY above and beyond the usual. And the type of living situation and caretaking he’s talking about with Mary is incompatible with what I want for us. I just don’t know what to do next. Thank you for your help
The first thing YOU need to do is decide if this is an acceptable arrangement for YOU. If not then you have to say so and given that you probably have 1 option, move out.
The ball is then in Matts court. Is Matt going to keep his promise to Mary ? Or does he accept that you can not handle the situation and tell Mary that she needs to have someone else as her caregiver. That is his decision to make.
IF you can handle the situation there are a few things that you ALL should do.
Have a Contract drawn up. Strongly suggest a Lawyer one versed in Elder Care.
Outline the scope of caregiving. At what point will either he nor you be able to care for her.
WHO will do the caregiving? This is Matts friend the burden should be on him but we all know that it probably will rest on you.
How much will you both get paid for taking on this role?
Will you (or Matt) have POA?
Does Mary have family ? If so will they step in at some point? If you have POA will family be a problem?
Is there a possibility that at some point would Mary need a Guardian? Would either of you become her Guardian?
As for housing...
I would look for a place that has an In-Law suite or at least 2 "Main bedrooms" (aka formerly known as Master bedrooms) AND at least one of them on the first floor and handicap accessible.
As far as purchasing it, you will need a lawyer with 3 unrelated people going on the title.
If renting, look for the same
Splitting household expenses by 3.
Personal opinion this is not a situation that I would want to get into
You might want to turn the tables on Matt and ask how he would react and deal with the situation if you had promised a male friend the exact same thing.
Rather than reject him as husband material, perhaps you could say no and wait and see how it works out. If you then leave and he stays with her, you have your answer. If you stay, remember that there are male/ female friendships that are very strong, but they aren’t all that common. Propinquity makes a lot of difference to physical attraction, so that’s one more problem than Mommy.
However my daughter ended up regretting having hung around for 6 years with a guy who couldn't make up his mind. Don't waste too much time on this.
LauraBeth's boyfriend wants her, himself, and this Mary person to live as a 'thrupple'. Everyone's an adult and can do what they what. If she's not a freak who wants to get down like that then she needs to leave the boyfriend and not give him another chance. If he's into that lifestyle then him and Mary should find a third person who is too.
This guy basically wants you to take care of his friend. That takes some chutzpah. He's the one who made the promise to her. He is the one who should be making all the sacrifices if he is truly sincere. Somehow I doubt it.
You’ve been ‘dating’ Matt for 2 years, and he’s 42. That’s quite old to settle down to a first marriage. You’ve known him earlier, but perhaps not so well. What has his relationship history been in the past? How long have his relationships lasted? Have you ever spoken to past partners? It might be worth checking. This is an important decision for you, and the more information you have, the better.
My DH2 was a first marriage for him, age 50, but we knew a lot about each other’s pasts before we both decided it was workable.
Does Matt have a problem saying "no"? He may have just made some wild promises that he now feels he cannot back out of. So unfortunately it is up to you to lay down whatever ground rules you choose before it is too late. Know that your desires are not unreasonable at all, and that if he really wants to commit to you he will work to come up with alternative solutions that all of you can live with. Good luck!
As far as Mary goes, good grief, she has options of moving back closer to her family. Also, she should get vaccinated so he doesn't have to get all emotional with worry about her catching covid . YOU certainly don't owe her your future. That would be a hard no from me.
It's one thing to take care of spouses parents, quite another to take care of you BF's female friend. My gut tells me this won't work. Relationships with just two people are hard enough. She moved away from friends and family, why; why wouldn't her family take care of her?
Sooooo many questions, not many answers.
I'm sorry you were blindsided like this.
Wishing you the best of luck moving on and away from this mess.
Hugs 🤗
You may also need to discuss what kind of life you expect to live together if it is a "forever relationship." Children? Extended family? Couple time without others? Please consider that this is a series of discussions that will help you both to decide if "forever" is indeed what you want together.
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
Causes
Many types of bacteria can cause PID, but gonorrhea or chlamydia infections are the most common. These bacteria are usually acquired during unprotected sex. PID can occur from having unprotected sex with multiple partners. PID is an inflammation that can go undetected and untreated. It can also render a woman infertile.
Mayo Clinic describes how inflammation can lead to autoimmune disorders, and degenerative issues.
Just the messenger here. You can shoot me now.
If this is not good for you , do not do it... No explanation necessary... tell him "Thank You, And The Best For You And Mary". I cannot do this "
clean and short no hard feelings.
He sounds unskilled in how he is going about trying to set up this arrangement. Emotionally immature. Find guidance if you are curious about exploring it. But don't take on all the heavy lifting for something HE is proposing. That is his job. He should grow up and reckon with what his fantasy would mean for everyone. Do YOU love Mary enough to do this?
If it feels icky, just get out.