Reminds me of when the kids were little and needing to get out for some adult time!
I am so tired of hearing about the location and severity and type of pains. What time she got up to pee. What hours she slept. Etc etc. And, of course, we have to add in some b.m. talk, which I reallllly hate. Please, spare me the gory details.
I feel like banging my head against the wall.
It's worse right now since hubby is away on business so it's just me and mom.
This "She repeats herself a lot, gets overwhelmed with financial and other decisions..." combined with "But she is still independent and mostly takes care of herself." describes our mother in the initial stages of dementia. Repetition. Making many mistakes with finances (underpaying, overpaying, forgetting to pay!) Wanting to cancel doc appt, even writing it in her calendar, which she lived by, but not following through.
While complaining a lot about the usual elder complaints might not indicate dementia, it still should be considered, especially if she is still driving. She just may have the early signs of it. Our mother was also still driving, but her "circle" of comfort was shrinking (one of her complaints when we took the car away was "I don't go far.") We can't be with her in the car to try to avert a disaster, so we had to decide when it was time to take it away. The decision was based on minor damage to the car, failure to get it inspected, tire split from rim to ground with metal trim bent - this also damaged the rim, likely because she continued to drive on it (BTW, she called to say she had a flat and I found that mess when I showed up with a pump for the tire!)
Even after more than 2 years in MC, mom was still mostly taking care of herself and considers herself "independent." THAT was one of the problems we had in trying to bring help in. In her mind she was fine, independent, could cook and care for herself. She WASN'T cooking, but resorting to packaged meals and boxed crap. Her two biggest dementia issues are repetition (isn't always pain or bodily functions, usually other topics, but repeated over and over) and slipping back in time a bit (asks for/about her mother and her previous address now.) If not for her current fear of falling (she had a couple of non-injury tumbles), she would still be mostly caring for herself at 96 (she is refusing to walk and refused to work with OT/PT.)
That said, for the repetition of things you don't want to hear about, I usually recommend the method used by dads in the old TV shows, who would be sitting at the table reading the paper and mumbling Uh-huhs and Mm-Hmms with a few other random non-responses while the mom prattled on... Trying to change the subject, or redirect her into some activity to keep her busy could help too.
Learn to tune it out (earbuds can help, but mom might notice those!) Like dealing with a toddler asking and saying the same things over and over, we can tune out most of it, but keep half an ear tuned for something important that might sneak in. In mom's case, we generally just keep answering the question(s) with the same response and/or try to change her focus to something else (like a scratched record, give it a little bump to move it along!)
Where to get them is your next problem - here kids can't graduate without so many hours of volunteer work so [as an example] have 1 come every Tuesday night for 2 to 3 hours so you can do whatever you want - go to local community college that has either a PSW or early childhood education programme & ask who can help [with good help give a reference & then the next years' people will be available] - go to a volunteer organization that will spell you a few hours a week
Some things you could do -
- crossword puzzles
- AARP games - there are TONS of them; they increase in difficulty
-reading romance novels
-reading any books
-crafts
-simple crocheting
-the art of letter writing
-try your hand at poetry writing
-plant an indoor herb garden
We don't talk about this nearly enough. It can be a form of torture IF WE LET IT BE. But we do not have to let it be. We can get into the Zen of the whole thing.
As far as her complaining goes, listen with one half of one ear. Leave the rest of your brain for your EARBUDS WHILE YOU ARE LISTENING TO A PODCAST!!!!!!!!!!!! I leave mine in even for meals. They look like earrings. My husband can't hear so we don't talk much and he eats very slowly. So, long, boring meals become me listening to NPR, Pod Save America, The Argument (NYT), or whatever.
Here is what I do also:
Go out for coffee with a friend or two nearly every day!!
Read!!
Play a great word game on the New York Times site.
Binge watch Netflix if all else fails.
Watch Youtube videos on gardening. Then...
Work in the garden.
Watch Youtube videos on dog training. Then...
Train my dog--soooooooooo cute!
Walk my dog while listening to podcasts.
Volunteer, since I can't stay out for long, many short stints for the Democratic Party, which allows me to talk to interesting people and feel useful to the world.
And that, dear friends, is my life.
Be well!
Write back and tell us how it is going!
I only have so much spare time, but it helps to distract me (from the day to day). Decluttering has been a major undertaking while caretaking and not enjoyable as pinterest and youtubing.
Do you have a sibling that can offer you some relief so that you can go do some things you like to do? If not, maybe bring someone in for a day or 2 a week so you can have a couple of days off (if finances allow). My situation can not afford days off, so I just do the best I can. I like what Jamesj said and think I may try some little outings in the car for a change of scenery.
It all depends on whether the elder can appreciate/process spoken audio.
It was almost $1000 but it saved my sanity. I was eating out of boredom and, in fact, put back 50 lbs during my Caregiving of my DH. The tablets were kept charged as I was always running one down. I had to "live" in the living-room with DH once he was unable to use our bed/bedroom and was pretty much living in my sleep-chair. He was happy that I found a way to be with him 24/7 and told me he was glad I bought the iPad Pro. It made his last year a lot easier on my nerves.
During this time, I had to help my DH to void, holding the urinal and supporting him at the same time. I'd gladly do it all again to still have him with me.
There is a support group near me, in my small town where I know a LOT of people. Now, mom is with it enough to go to the library, the village store, etc. on her own so she knows some people in town too.
Sooo, question is: since she's still got some marbles left, how will I go to the group without her knowing?? And what if someone from town mistakenly says "Oh, I saw your daughter at the elder care support group". I think she would be really offended by that.
I've been thinking that going would not be worth the risk so I've avoided it BUT.....??
But, I guess I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my butt in gear and do more. Maybe I'm a little apathetic these days, not depressed but having a hard time motivating.
I have some food projects to do. Like zucchini bread. Canning pickles. Etc. Frankly, I kind of avoid the kitchen and hide in my room because she can drive me nuts when I'm trying to get things done in the common area. I guess I should learn to be a little more gracious and not let her questions annoy me so much that I avoid them as much as possible.
I'm going to make a list of things that I think will improve this situation, starting with some of the great advice from the great peeps here!
Make a clothing line hang up sheets. Sun is a natural anti-bacterial.
If you're truly bored grab an old fashioned wash board... and fels-neptha bar laundry soap, to wash your white socks back to being white, The results are quite gratifying (Fels-neptha laundry soap is Dial brand bar soap technically or its sold under its original fels name in the laundry section of your local grocery, or Amazon,com.)
Conversations must center around things that are happening now, current events, etc., otherwise thoughts loop around stuff that is happening in the immediate area.
Purchase paint, and repaint your walls...
You mentioned the gym. GO, to that gym.
It's time to get old-fashioned with yourself. There's always stuff to do.
If you get up to do something she says anything similar to... "sit down, all you do is run around"....you'll be outside...
You must physically remove yourself from her area...Watching TV is a waste of life and depressing, it's time to quit that...You're turning into your mother, by not, as you wrote, "getting to the root of problems to FIX them. Soooo you're doing that by coming here and not being your mother who, "wants to complain and wish her troubles away." Ugh, go outside....
If you are handy, see if you can find a knitting or sewing circle, pick up your handwork then potty talk begins, and zone into your needles. Lots of churches around here have groups that do caps or hats and scarves for babies.
Book club? Jewelry making?
We need our ME time too. As someone else said, don't let her make you feel guilty. I know it's hard. My mom doesn't say anything to make me feel guilty. But I feel a little bit guilty anyhow. I know I would hate to be alone so much and have so little of interest to do.
Since she is fine for a few hours, please get out and do things on your own. Even go out on a date with hubby. I do get out alone with hubby which is great. Most of the time we invite her along, but not always.
How do we find "friends" for our elders??
We live in a small town and there's just not a lot of options for socialization. Ugh.
Can you put on some music she likes, maybe that she can sing along to or something?
Music is a good idea. She usually has the TV on but I should put on music when I'm puttering in the kitchen so 1) I don't have to listen to her annoying shows on too loud and/or 2) if she comes in the kitchen she will hear nice music.