It's been 7 weeks and my mom's dementia is getting worse. She lived with me for 32 years (we have a mother-in-law flat in our home). She was totally independent until this horrible disease took over 7 weeks ago. I thought her nursing home stay was going to only be for re-hab because it looked like her mind was getting clearer and she started walking with a walker and assistance. The therapist says her paranoia may diminish if we bring her home. I already feel guilty for having to leave her there, but the day after admitting her I had a nervous breakdown. My family doesn't think I can handle taking care of her at home yet, and if I'm honest with myself, I know they are right. I want her to relax, and now I feel she may only do that if she is home. I can only take her out for 4 hours a day, and I'm wondering if I brought her home for those 4 hours if it would help or hinder her. I visit every day, and I only live 5 minutes from the nursing home. This is all new to me since mom has had her "wits" for 95 years. Now all of a sudden she's been diagnosed with Demenita with Lewy Body. Can anyone offer any advice?
My MIL really began to settle into her SNF after about 8 months. This may seem long to you. When you consider that you are changing someone's entire life, it's not really that long. Along the way we did follow the advice of not going up there constantly. Some people practice daily visits which can block their family members from bonding to their new situation.
My MIL progress was likely slowed down by the death of her spouse (she roomed with my FIL) so she had a grief process during the same period.
Along the way we have seen constant progress. It's been 10 months now. She recognizes her resident friends and the nursing staff. The vascular dementia makes it so she can't remember their names. She has daily rituals - aren't daily rituals the substance that give everyone security?
Be patient, give her months to adjust. Give yourself the peace of mind that knowing when you aren't there her progress toward adjustment will happen faster.
I visit with MIL 3 times a week and keep my visits between 60-90 minutes. While to some that may seem wrong, her adjustment to and contentment with her new home, make it right.
You've hit the nail right on the head. Thank you both for your support. Please keep in touch. I can tell I'm going to need people like you around! Thanks again.
People with dementia do not handle change of location very well at all. The key word about her paranoia is 'may'. However, like you write above, you honestly know that you cannot handle taking care of her at home. You have not done anything to feel guilty for and I hope a therapist can help you to not be so hard on yourself which probably contributed to your nervous breakdown. Your mom is safe and being cared for. It sounds like you really need to focus on taking care of you which sounds long overdue.
Maybe it would be good for you to get some counseling, where the focus is really on you, your feelings and some pointers on how to help yourself get separation from the the one who always takes care of others. That's not a criticism, just something to consider.
You are in a difficult position and I can understand the depth of your feelings, guilt and maybe even the desire to save yourself. If it's any consolation, your feelings are perfectly normal.
I think the choices are limited and it's not always possible to have the perfect answer. I would humbly suggest you save yourself first. I'm sure you will feel selfish in doing so, but to do otherwise will not provide what you need.
If you feel your mom is being well cared for, then maybe daily visits are not necessary. Maybe every other day.
I hope Jeanne Gibbs responds to your message. I think she can give you excellent advise as her husband has Lewy Body and she is such an authority on the subject.
My heart goes out to you. We placed my dad in nursing home care two months before his passing, so I know your concerns and the questions you have in your heart. Your asking yourself what you can live with. That's only a question that you can answer for yourself, but I would support you in putting your self first. Maybe it's time and maybe if you had some counseling you would find a way to have some peace in accepting what is or at least some support in continuing to care for your mom.
I know you want to do all you can for your mom, but it's not selfish on your part to also want to survive.