My Mother (91) with dementia lives with my brother but I'm so tired of his abuse. Any suggestions?

hi chickhelp, my brother lives with 91 year young mom, has medical problems of his own, heart problems, pacemaker, defibrillator, diabetic and caretaker for mom along with my other brother who both live with mom, mom just recently had what the they a transient stroke over the holidays which really made her dimentia worse, brother can b i dont want to say abusive at times, but he can get testy, i understand what its like to live with a stroke parent, mom didnt have dimentia b4 the first stroke 2 years ago, i live with my guy,a vietnam vet, with bad ptsd, takes a cocktail of pills throughout the day, and personally takeing care of a parent with stroke and dementia is no day at the park, i know because i relieve him on the weekends, its a toss up between mom and my guy, they both have their stuff going on.

chickhelp: The first thing to do is to stop making the brother happy! He has been abusive to you and I wouldn't put up with it. Work with the town's social worker to come up with a better solution, because THIS ONE IS NOT WORKING!

Your Mom probably wants to stay with your brother because he does have problems. She probably feels she is helping him. Sorry but I would threaten him. If he doesn't stop the abuse u will get guardianship and take Mom out of his home. Next time she is in the hospital /rehab have her put in ur care.

I wish I had a solution to this problem. All I can offer is that, I went thru the same thing with my younger brother who had POA over mom who totally abused it by not allowing me to take mom out of the nursing home on an outing to a restaurant for a while and had the nursing home call him whenever I got into town. Brothers lived near mom and I am 5 hrs away. Younger brother has many health issues of his own and his memory was affected when he didn't wake up right away after a surgery. But he was appointed POA by Mom so there was not much I could really do so far away to fight him on things. I want nothing to do with he or his wife any more. They treated me like I was an outsider.

I see so many similarities in our situations, I may not have the most useful advice, but just to try your best. AND you need to take care of yourself first, or you can't be there for your mom. Sounds to me like your current family dynamic probably started years and years ago, and your mother is in no place now mentally to alter it. Trust your gut, and know that you are loved and are an incredibly, incredibly brave soul.

It sounds like you describe your brother as intellectually disabled. Is that right? And he has his own house where your mother wants to live. Yet, you feel that he is not a suitable caretaker for her.

If her dementia is rendering her incapable of making good decisions about her welfare, you might consider the other options. Could mother come and live with you? Could you take care of her full time in your home? Would you likely place her in a Assisted Living or Memory Care facility? Would brother entertain an outside aid coming into the home to help with your mother? Is he more cooperative with other people than you?

I agree with others that you might consider having someone look at whether it's in your mom's best interest to stay in the house with your brother. You might consult with an Elder Law attorney to see what evidence you need in court to file for Guardianship or you may consider reporting the situation to your local social services agency. These are very serious measures and I would have adequate evidence in hand to support your concerns. A lawyer might assist you with that.

oh....not gooooood if your mother wants to live with your brother!!! my brother stole my father's trust and poa and never came back to see them again. he didn't want my father to amend his trust! greedy jerk children...and yes, my dad keeps asking my why he doesn't come over???? i hate my brother....and i am thrilled he doesn't come over...best thing that ever happened to me. you are in a bad situation...do what you have to do to step away from that household!!

Really sorry you are going through this. To add to the excellent advice from TheOne1, Most cities and or counties have senior centers where one of the services is an elder attorney that is either free or for a lower fee. If you go to your city or county website ( usually the one where they list utility companies, city hall, police, fire etc ) they will also have the number for the senior center. Best of luck to you.

Dear Chick Help, I feel I could have written this post. This was me a little over 2 years ago. My brother lived next door to my Mom, in a house that my mother and father own. She lived in her house. My mother and father are still married but did not live together because she wanted to moved to this small town, they inherited the property after my great Uncle passed. My father still works at 83, his choice and so stayed in their other home because it's much closer to his work. More to the story but I won't go there.

My brother has always been the worshiped golden child, from the time he was born. There are 4 of us, but he's the oldest. He's nearly 60 now. Lives in my parent's home, is "paid" $2500/month by my father I think because he's afraid of him. Before that he siphoned money off my mother's social security and annuities.

Anyway, he's got plenty of money. He is mentally ill yes, but no one can face it in the family. When I traveled to help my Mom, I live 3 and 1/2 hours away when I started noticing things going on with her (dementia) he would rage on me. Sometimes not too bad, other times unbearable. He's a hoarder and control freak. He was supposed to be looking out for my Mom, helping her, taking care of the yard, etc. He did none of that. Once his house filled up with his treasures he found in dumpsters or garage sales he started filling hers up. His house is really unlivable at this point, but he lives there. I would come in at least once a month more often two or three times a month and clean, do laundry, shop for food, take her to the doctors and dentist and for hair appts., of which he raged on me for. I would line up her meds, have them in little pill bags all broken out by the date and a.m. and p.m., 90% of the time she was never given them. I had to do most of the cleaning at night when he was asleep and I had to sneak things to my car and hide them in my car in order to take them home and throw them out. You could barely walk through the house at times.

I finally arranged for caregivers to come in twice a week, then it got upped to 5 days a week. I was raged on heavily for these arrangements, because I was "ruining his life". My father could not tackle any of these issues. It was me or no one. My other sister and other brother were also incapable of doing anything. Physically able but would not take action.

This went on from 2007 until March 2013 when one day he raged on me so bad for putting a baby monitor camera in her room. $300 that I paid for out of my own pocket. I was going to give him the monitor part to put in his house once I got the courage up to tell him about my idea. I tested it out when he was not there to his front door only and it worked at least outside his front door. He spotted the camera on top of her armorie and went ballistic on me. The next morning I left the house before 6 in the morning and never went back, this was on March 18th. Did not tell anyone. Her caregiver arrived at 8 that morning. I came home and got a job. I was not working because I wanted to be available to help her. On May 31 I got a call at 5:45 in the morning from my brother tell me my mother's house had just burned down at that she was standing in the street.

Don't let the situation get as bad as mine did. Do you hold power of attorney? If not who does? I agree with TheOne1 and her advice. You need help, you cannot do this on your own. You can no longer take the abuse and your mother is not safe. Sometimes it just helps to know that someone else has gone through something similar and that you truly are not alone. You are not alone. I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could help you more. If I can answer any questions for you let me know. I'm still dealing emotionally and psychologically with the ramifications of my brother's rage. God Bless you and help you.

I also have a verbally abusive brother and potentially physically who seems to be mentally ill - he has been for a long time. No diagnosis that we know of but did improve when on a medication for back pain that also is for depression. He will not discuss anything with us. Unfortunately stayed on that med for few months only. He wants to be in total control of whatever is doing to help parents. While he was in charge of grocery shopping, Mom sent another sib to grocery to get a few things. He yelled that that was his job and then refused to shop anymore. Tells Mom what to do and she always listens to him. She sticks up for him after tantrums and swearing and says we all have our foibles. So after no med, back at throwing tantrums, swearing at us, sometimes throws things at us, throws things around, even Mom and Dad at times. Most of us now purposely refuse to be at parents when he is there. Or just say hello when he comes there. He was coming over to do gardening but stayed outside and didn't come inside or speak to anyone. Keeping an eye on him since one time Dad had bruises and cuts on arms. Dad told sib he and brother had had a scuffloe. Mom would not say what happened. When I found out I called brother and he also refused to say what happened. Did ask advice from Alzheimer's Helpline and if anything happens again, will call adult protection.

So sorry you and your family are dealing with this. I recently dealt with a very similar issue. However my brother wasn't living with my Mom. Lived close by and swears he was taking care of Mom - wasn't. Mom was left in her own and I don't know how she survived. She's now living full time with another sibling. My brother is verbally abusive to me and my mother and has been physically abusive to another family member. I have a POA which began not to be sufficient enough so I hired a lawyer to help us pursue a guardianship. We have it. The BEST advice I can give you is to go to Walmart, get a few of those inexpensive note books and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Even if there is a day that nothing happens with your brother or mom, still write down the weather or something that went on that day. This will go far in a court of law. Also call Adult Protective Services asap. You need to hire an elder law attorney or at least get a free consultation to determine what direction you need to take. You may have to get a judge to order an emergency protective order. Please let me know if you have questions considering I just went through this. Document and consult with legal experts. Good luck

Has your brother never lived on his own? Is he dependent on his mother's social security check?

When you proposed that your mother should come and live with you, where did your learning disabled, dependent brother fit in to that scenario?

It sounds as though he is not competent to care for your mother, she is not competent to care for him, and nobody has sat down to figure out how they can *both* be properly looked after. Contact the health and/or social care teams of either or both of them and get advice with putting a comprehensive plan together. I hope a few phone calls will be the start you want - it certainly can't go on as it is because it completely sucks for you and it's not good for them either.

It is tough and I've heard of many families getting into disagreements when a parent is ill, but sooner or later you have to take a stand. You could sit with your brother and let him know, very firmly, that you will no longer be abused by him, or he could find himself on his own with everything to do by himself. You are not his doormat. You are not alone, it happens. It is no easy feat when you're not a natural nurse or carer, but one can stop it and do it when there is harmony and respect between the helpers. Good luck and I wish you strength in it all, it is almost 'normal' until the record is set straight.

My bro is not in the best of health, and he sure does use that as a crutch, everyone feel sorry for me is his attitude. He has slight learning and comprehension issues. I usually repeat several times when mom needs special meds or blood pressure taken when she is not feeling well. I usually write down per doctor, he lies and tells one thing then I find out if I confront him I am in trouble. I can't move mom now Dr advises against. Unless she goes to hospital then rehab. I had my mom after hospital visit and my Bro never came to see her she was sad and said is he sick? No he just mad she wasn't there but he didn't want her cause she was so sick and needed extra help. He lies to dr and thenI have to fix it! He begs to put mom on sleeping pill I said it could mess her up, so he talked to dr and put her on mild one, now more confused then ever.
When I say he abuses me I am the one who gets cold shoulder, or swore at or he tells mom how I don't help, or I don't care. So much over last 5 years I am just trying to find anyone that help me in similar situations and what they did and if it got better? I feel like no matter what or how much it is never enough. Ready to bring in caregiver to help me with mom to transport, bath, laundry etc so I don't have to go there anymore. I love my mom in spite of her telling me he is my baby and he is not feeling good you need to help him.
PS last year had stress fracture in leg and yet still expected to do everything including his errands even thou he can drive mom said his back hurting! I go back and he is cutting lawn.

Does your brother have special needs? Is he sick, ill or intellectually challenged?
Some of your options may depend on the mental state of the parties, since, it may not be feasible to make changes with people who are not able to comprehend or function. I'm not sure I understand what abuse you are talking about.