Brother and family probably won't visit mom one last time while she's still alive. How do I ignore this and get along with them?

Weary, I can so totally empathize with what you are going through.

For me, it was my middle sister who refused to acknowledge, accept or otherwise come to terms with the fact that our mom, who had been blessed with vibrant health for the first 85 years of her life was failing in her 86th.

She wouldn't call mom. She wouldn't answer calls/texts/e-mails from me giving updates about mom's health. She remained willfully ignorant.

The last days of mom's life, when it was clearly apparent that mom was *actively* dying, my husband called her from HIS cell phone, because I KNEW she wouldn't answer her phone if she saw my number. Yes, we had to "trick" her into picking up. When my husband told her "Mom is dying. If you want to say your good-byes, you'd better come soon" do you know her answer? "Oh, I don't know when I can get there, I'm SOOOOOOO busy right now at work." She lives 90 minutes away from here. They (sister & her a-hole husband) eventually came 2 days later. Do you know what A-hole BIL said to my husband after he saw our mother? "I didn't know she'd look that bad! I thought she'd at least be awake and talking".

The small petty part of me is so happy that my mom held on another 2 days after sister left, so she can't spend the rest of her life crying on unknowing people's shoulders saying "mom waited until I got there to say goodbye before she died!" Yeah, I know. Not nice of me. Sometimes I can be a real b****h.

While everyone here has giving you truthful advice - that is, you can only change yourself and not others, I think you have every right to be angry, disappointed, disgusted, etc. by your brother's behavior. I understand that it's not easy to watch your loved one(s) become elderly, frail, ill, etc., but it's no easier on you than on him, and you are managing to do it. I get so frustrated when I hear that excuse - it's like hearing someone say: "I don't go to funerals, I don't do well at them". Well, what do you think, that there's an overwhelming segment of the population that DOES do well at them? Jumping for joy and yelling "WOOHOO, I get to go to a FUNERAL!! What fun!!!" No one does "well" at a funeral, which is WHY it's important to have people gather together, so we can offer comfort and support to those who are grieving.

I'll leave you with this. It's been 2 1/2 years since my mom passed, and I haven't really forgiven my sister. We weren't overly close to begin with, which I'm sure plays into my emotions, but I'm not ready to shrug off her behavior as "L. being L." And even if I ever get to full forgiveness, I'm not sure I can ever reach forget. I can't say that I walk around in anger all the time (I did a lot when my mom was alive), so it's not "eating away" at me. And if it ends up that we never really spend any "quality time" with each other, I am at peace with that decision, because her presence right now only angers me more than her absence does. But your feelings are valid. Don't let anyone try and convince you otherwise.

(((hugs))) to you.

I'm going to second trying to let it go. Some people are just very uncomfortable around sick people - absolutely.

But I'll also go a step further. When my dad was sick - well he was not well for years - but when he was diagnosed with the cancer that took his life - my brother almost disappeared. He had been around a reasonable amount for the many years that dad had been "not well" but Mom and Dad had still been able to do some light traveling and mom didn't really need much help. We all live in the same town. So we aren't talking about a great distance. For both my brother and myself we saw our parents as often as most adult children see their parents, as life permits, if that makes sense. With work and children etc. But when things got more difficult - I noticed that my brother just didn't seem to be around as much.

And then when he got the terminal diagnosis - this turned really quite interesting. My dad's type of cancer - the one really optimistic cure that had a high mortality rate - honestly surviving the cure was as bad or worse than the cancer itself. My dad was in his early 70s at the time. And as I said, he hadn't been "well" for a while. But he was "content" and their lives worked for them. But the cancer changed their quality of life. And the cure would have honestly destroyed his quality of life, for the "promise" of maybe an additional year. So dad opted to enjoy the time he had left and not take the cure.

My brother was really at odds with the choice, being around Dad as he was dying/really obviously sick and in some ways even blamed Dad for his illness (because certain life choices could have contributed). he just couldn't handle being around Dad, with all of these feelings of anger and sadness and pain and confusion. He was in denial. Where as Mom and I had already mourned Dad in a lot of ways and were just trying to spend the time we had left with him in the best way we could. As a result, he didn't spend a lot of time with Dad in his last month. Dad didn't have a lot of time once he got the diagnosis. We were told 6 months, so Hospice was called in. We had 2 weeks.

It has been 5 years. My brother is just now beginning to come to terms with my dad's death if I'm honest. It was VERY hard for him after he died. To process all of those conflicting feelings and to deal with the fact that he didn't really spend time with him as much as he should have. But he was also still angry with him, which he knew was such a conflict to have with someone who was no longer around.

My best advice. Don't be angry with your brother. It does YOU no good. Spend this time with your mom. You know you won't get it back and it is important to you. Don't spend your time wasting it worrying about what your brother is doing. At some point he either will, or won't, have to deal with his own feelings around his choices. Maybe he doesn't want to come. Maybe he can't come. It doesn't really matter. It's not for you to decide or worry about. He has to make those choices for himself. You have to make them for you.

How do you forgive and forget? My mom always says those things aren't for the other person. They are for YOU. They are so that YOU can move on. Maybe you have certain expectations of your brother and you are angry that he isn't meeting them. Give yourself permission to be angry that he has let you down. And then give BOTH of you some grace. At times like this everyone involved needs it. Ask yourself why you feel like breaking all ties? Is it because he isn't there for her? Or because he isn't there for you?

If you're inclined, you could set up a Zoom or Facetime meeting in her home so everyone can visit. But why? What is going to be said? What IS there to say? Ask them "How are you?" Does anyone want to stare wordlessly at a terminally ill person ever? Better to remember them as the vibrant, vital human being they once were.

She's dying and everyone knows it. Anything important could and should have been said long before now. Getting on a plane and flying in a sealed tube with people who may give you Covid, a deadly disease, makes no sense. You get there, everyone's awkward, possibly crying, what does that do for mom? Or anyone else?

At least brother showed he cared about OP and mom by sending money. That's not so bad! And if he chooses not to come to the funeral - and many people don't do funerals these days - so be it. It doesn't have to be taken as a personal slight.

Wearynow, I wish your mother a peaceful passing and peace for you also.

Weary,

I would let it go. It will just eat at you and its really not your problem. You have called both and informed them she is dying. You really can't expect ur brother to fly to the US just to say goodbye and even come to the service. The grandson, if he didn't have a relationship with Mom before, saying goodbye means nothing.

What I may do is when brother calls is put the phone up to ur mother's ear and have brother tell her good bye then. Same with grandson. But I would not push the subject. My brothers I am sure loved Mom. One was 7 hrs away and traveled daily to do his job. The other 30min away. But they never went out of their way for her. No weekly calls even after my Dad's passing. I called and told them she was dying. The one 7 hrs away chose to wait for her funeral. The other did go to the facility. I felt I was not the one who would have any regrets. I refuse to have any guilt. I was the one who took on the responsibility. The one she relied on. The one who cleaned up the mess when she was gone. I did my best and that has to be enough.

I know that this has been hard for you. But you seem to have a loving generous husband. Also, in-laws that helped out. Make sure you tell them thank you. Your DH is being kind offering airfair. I don't think that is the problem. Your brother does not seem to have wanted to be involved in his mothers care since the beginning, why would he care now.

Do not allow this to come between you and brother because he feels differently than you. Don't expect and you won't be disappointed.

Thank you all for responding and pointing out that maybe brother won't be comfortable around a very sick mom - I didn't think much about this angle since he has been around his grandma who passed away many years ago. Anyway, like you all say, I cannot change him or force him to do anything. We tried video calls but the overseas connection was bad and the call kept disconnecting.

Mom doesn't talk about him at all and doesn't remember nephew


Thank you again for guiding me through my muddled, angry feelings - I will probably keep reading this thread over and over again as therapy.

I think to expect someone to come for a FUNERAL is unreasonable. As the undertaker and poet Thomas Lynch says, when someone is DEAD there is absolutely nothing you can do FOR him, TO him, ABOUT him or WITH him that can conceivably matter. You may disagree.

I think that each person must decide for himself on the basis of a long-standing loving relationship (or not), on the basis of the principal's ability to get anything "out of" such a visit (or not), on the basis of their own family, job, affordability (or not). I think that their decision, made for themselves is their own decision and no business of mine. You may disagree.

Your brother has done what he is willing and/or able to do. That is his business. You will do what you will do in terms of a relationship ongoing according to YOUR OWN decisions, and that will be your own business. You may disagree.

So all that is to say, we make our own decisions for ourselves ongoing in life. What others make of our decisions is their own choice going forward. If you wish to have little to do with your brother ongoing that is entirely your own business. For me family is a blood accident. I want relationships with people I care about, who care also about me. If they are family, that is a lucky happenstance.

You have taken on the care of family. This was your decision/choice. Your brother made his own choices. You will now make your own choices for your own life ongoing, as will he. I will hope for your own sake you have happy childhood memories you can keep and embrace. And I am sorry for the sadness you are going through now. Try not to waste time on the decisions over which you have ZERO control, because there's already enough on your plate. I wish you the very best.

You cant change others, only your response to them. Work on your own issues surrounding your impending loss and allow your brother and nephew to work on their own. Everyone processes death and illness differently. What you see as uncaring behavior may be an inability to witness an old woman who's dying. You never really know what's going thru another's mind.

Fwiw, the family members who chose not to come see my mother before she died are now sorry and feeling badly for what they didn't do. That's it's own punishment w/o me heaping on more.

I'm sorry you are enduring such a difficult situation all the way around. It's easy for me to give you advice but harder for you to embrace it, I know. We so want our mom's last days on earth to be happy, but we can't force such a situation either. Leave it in God's hands, that's what I wound up doing.

If your brother and nephew wanted to see their mom/grandma, they would have made the effort. It's very obvious that they don't. For whatever reason, mom/grandma is not important enough to be bothered. Why would you want those people to come anyway? They should not be important enough to you to be bothered.

Don't waste any more energy being upset. They are not worth it.

Not everyone is comfortable around sick and dying people and you need to adjust your expectations accordingly.
You're the one who chose to take on the care of your mom and yet you're mad at your brother(who lives overseas mind you)that he may not come to see her.
You say that he now calls regularly. Can you not be grateful for that? If need be he can face time mom to say his final goodbyes.
If your brother really wanted to be there, he would be. If he doesn't, you need to respect his reasons and move on. The last thing your mom would want is for the 2 of you to be at odds because of her.
Those of us who are grown get to make and live with our own decisions. That includes your nephew as well.
Just enjoy whatever time you have left with your mom and quit worrying about things that you have no control over.

I have a brother who was in the same city and deliberately stayed away when our dad was dying. He simply couldn’t handle it. He’s a very difficult person and struggles with life anyway. I’d urge you to spend this time focusing on saying your own goodbyes to mom and not worrying over others, they will live with their own choices. Can you forgive? Absolutely. Forget? No, you won’t forget, it will be a sadness for you, but one you shouldn’t dwell on as it will only affect you. I’m sorry you’re going through this sad time, I remember it all too well. Don’t let family drama rule though, it’s hard enough without that. I wish you peace

I am going to comment about the airfare first.
If mom has extra funds and can afford it maybe she can pay. (I realize whoever is managing her finances would do this so it really isn't "her") Bottom line this would lessen the individuals inheritance if there is one. If you and your husband pay for the airfare make sure you reimburse your funds when any inheritance is distributed. this might be getting into a legal quagmire though and others may respond differently.

Now to the visiting.
Visiting someone that is dying is difficult. they know they should visit so you insisting on it (and maybe harping on it) does not help and will not change the situation.
Let it go.
If they elect not to visit that is on them .
That is their choice.
If you wish, next time you visit if you can do a "virtual visit" (or record your visit and send it to him/them) with them it might be the gut punch that some people need to realize.."ok, I really do need to make that trip". But even if your brother and nephew can't make the trip let it go, this is a decision he is going to have to live with and eventually come to peace within himself.

Well, some people cannot deal with what you are experiencing, what you are seeing. Watching someone die is difficult at best.

This caregiving thing is not for sissies.

I personally am not all about the big service/funeral after death deal, really doesn't make any sense to me. The person is gone.

We are all humans, with different personalities, ideas, needs.

Personally, I would accept him as he is, accept what you cannot control.

I am sorry that you are upset, but is your mother? That is the key.

Take Care

wearynow, I hear how painful it is to you that your brother isn’t visiting, and may not come for her funeral.

Has your mother expressed a sense of longing to see her son or her grandson? Or are you feeling that because you have the longterm local connection, he or his son should come out of their responsibility to her?

What would you expect him to do if he or his son were to come?

Has his late financial support been helpful to you or your mother?

You’ve done whatever you could for your mother’s care. Although you wouldn’t agree, he may feel that he has done the same.

The funeral? Will it matter to your mother if he’s there or not?

I arranged a very small, very quiet graveside service for my LO, because that was what she had indicated (while she was well), that that was what she wanted.

Another “close” relative was concerned with what she’d been dressed in to be buried. We ALL have priorities, and some of them seem to be pretty inexplicable.

My approach is to do what I feel my LO wanted, and to overlook and forget the actions of others. I can’t understand them or change them, so I haven’t any reason (or interest), to figure out their “whys”.

Are you at peace with YOURSELF, and what you’ve done for her. It sounds as though you should be.

”Forgiving and forgetting” can be much tougher than just letting unsolvable solutions go. It may be the best you can do though.

Whether brother and nephew come or not, be comforted by the memories you made by doing your best.