He says our Mom only wants her own children to take care of her, not a nurse or caregiver. My brother is single, is an RN, and has no children. I’m married, have three very young children (that I’m trying to teach with distance learning), and am also exhausted. My husband and I offered to pay all the costs for my Mom’s care, but they will only accept care from me, personally. They say it’s my duty as a daughter. Am I being selfish?
Your children come first.
One option for mother is to take your life to her. Take your three children, take all their study books, and install all of you in mother’s room. Don’t hush the children, let them be as noisy as normal. Let them come with you and mother to the toilet or to wash – or close yourselves in the bathroom with a child complaining outside the door. A couple of kid fights or meltdowns would fit in well. Let your mother see in real time just how exhausting a day is for you, and how exhausting it would be for her if you really combined your life with hers.
This will be a dreadful day for you, but also for your mother. It may well encourage her to think again about what she really wants – on joint terms, not in her imagination of having you alone all to herself!
You owe love if you were loved. Please give it, along with what help you feel able to. Only you know the business of your own life, how much time you can make, and where, when and how you have the time and resources to help.
”They” refers to you brother and your mother? Is he coaching her? How old is she, and what constitutes “frail”?
If he is caring decently and respectfully for her, and/but complaining, I’d consider it his absolute right as her caregiver to complain his head off, with ZERO EXPECTATIONS that you will do anything.
”Oh my, Dear Brother, I TO-TA-LLY UNDERSTAND how hard it is to take care of our Dear Mama. ALMOST like taking care of THREE small children and a dear husband and a household, I imagine. Don’t forget, My Dear Husband and I have offered to pay for extra help when you decide caring for Mama becomes too much for you.
And PLEASE, take good care of yourself while you’re giving her your best. You’re important to her, just as I’m important to my Dear Husband and THREE Children”.
It would be totally different if you were retired, no kids and were off on a vacation every other week.
You can offer to pay for caregivers. Although your mom should be paying for them and spending down her assets in case it comes to the point where she would need further care. He assets are what she saved her money for. (if she has no savings that is a different story)
You can offer to make a few meal. Make extra when you are cooking and portion them and freeze so all they have to do is heat.
You can offer to go shopping for them WHEN you are shopping for yourself.
YOU do what you can when you can do it.
If they refuse the help you offer that is on them NOT you.
He never came to see her nor called, and he has to live with that, but he did something and we were VERY grateful!
Maybe he wants you to so called "do your part". You can that with paying for her care too. If he's exhausted with her alone, adding in kids is even more work.
My dad is a handful, but I don't expect my sister in another state, with a job and children to take over. She's got enough on her plate.
If he (or Mom) doesn't like the idea of Mom being cared for by strangers, that's too bad. We don't always get what we want, and sometimes having outside help is the best, or only, option.
Once you marry your responsibility shifts to your husband and then your children. Parents are to transition into a new way of life. Save money for their later years. Travel be involved with their friends. You are doing what you can. This is not being selfish.
I only had my grandson, 7, here last Spring and getting him ready and helping with virtual school was enough.
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