She is trapped. She does not want to be alone so he gets his way. She is reaching out for help thru as clandestine ways she can for he will make her life a h*ll if she isnt passive and supporting . he is a bully. he will not go away nor will she want him to. my sister and i support ourselves and give her money to help her. if the authorities came for a welfare check she would not tell them about his abuse. all she does is cry and she has to whisper on the phone. what can i do ? i live 1500 miles away and he scares me too.
Personally, I think you're beating your head against the wall. You're providing an outlet for your mom's frustrations and taking them right to heart. She's enabled her son for YEARS. She tells you she doesn't want to be alone. Well, there's a price she's paying for that companionship. It sounds to me as though she's content to pay it.
Should the situation turn nasty - perhaps you have your mother on the phone weeping about a bill she can't pay with your brother in the background chipping in his ugly, threatening remarks - you, at your safe geographical distance, explain that you will not pay a bill for which you are not liable, then you hang up. Then you put the facts - the amount, what the bill was, what was actually said during the conversation and by whom to whom, the date and time - down in writing. Once you have a small series of these incident reports in hand, you involve the authorities.
Or, you continue to subsidise your mother's helplessness, your brother's treatment of her, and your own and your sister's futile anxiety. It's up to you.
Are you sure about your brother's habits? Are they criminal? Hire a private detective and see if there is enough evidence to get him arrested, go in and rescue Mom, and/or get a restraining order. Or, just go in and rescue Mom. Cut off the funds to brother if he can bully you into staying in the home legally somehow. Because, unfortunately, vegaslady has a point: you can't subsidize and rescue from this situation at the same time.
Does Mom have Dementia or other mental disabilities, or physical disabilities. When I mention mental, I don't mean brother-yet.
How far away does your sister live from you or her?
Is it possible to move Mom closer to you or sister, or move in with either of you?
Does your brother work? It sounds like he may not be employed.
My friend is going through the same thing. Brother moves he and mother around from one long stay hotel to the next every 90 days? It sounds like they are subsidized boarding....
He will not allow any member to talk with her, and she is afraid to. My friend says she is no longer using her energy to look for her since Mom is allowing this to happen. Then she won't open the door if they do find her. Friend's fiance said he saw bro and Ma walking to store one day, but didn't approach them.