My siblings have not helped me at all with my parents. Now all of a sudden they are "worried" about me. My brother does not agree with my parents living in independent or assisted luving..or paying for caregivers. He and his wife think they can do a better job at caring for my dad with dementia so they can keep the $$$$ for themselves.
My brother thinks that he is better suited to care for them..and that you just have to know how to "handle" my dad. He told my sister he will move them into his house and can lock them in when he needs to. He is completly clueless about dementia and what it is actually like on a day to day basis, He thinks that my parents will be like they were 10 years ago when they would visit on vaca.
So...his plan is NOT to support me in getting them in an assisted living when the time is right..or to leave them where they are now and hire caregivers. He plans to schlep them 1000 miles away, and badically let his wife care for them....and all this because he claims this will "help" me....i am sure this is all money oriented.
So..if he takes them cross country i will be completely out of caregiving...and their lives. Caring for them is difficult and I do need help..but they are the only family I have now...i would be mortified to have them "care" for them..and probably more stressed about the possibility of them being abused.
Anyway..i have known all along this is why he has never supported me or attempted to help me. Also my mom is very stubborn and will not give anyone POA. I wanted us all to get together and get POA from mom.
Anyway just venting.. Of course if i dont take this offer...then he will say...well..we offered..you are on your own.
Well we went through this with my parents 16 years ago. Brother built a small apt onto his house, with the idea that they could live out their lives with family. HOWEVER-my brother is a paramedic and KNOWS how to deal with aging issues. I worked in Eldercare and also know. I live about 1.5 miles from them. He and I were dad's secondary caregivers during his last years with Parkinson's. Dad passed 11 years ago and now brother just has mother to contend with. It's become something a challenge. Sounds like your brother is looking at this as "easy money" when it is honestly the hardest thing in the world to do. I agree--you are more aware of the situation and sounds like your brother will take your folks and get POA however he can and then you will be left out in the cold (and I don't just mean the money). You may have to have your folks evaluated and push the issue. Can your parents still make informed decisions about their own care? How do they feel about this move? If they are still in command of her faculties, they can't be pushed, manipulated or forced into something they'd hate. You say mom "won't give you POA"..does she realize that at some time she may not enjoy the option of "giving it"? The courts will appoint someone. (The ONLY way we got my MIL to make any kind of will was when I told her that if she died intestate, STRANGERS would come and go through her stuff. THAT terrified her. She made a will that week.) Perhaps that kind of a tactic would work for your parents. It's actually kind of terrifying for elderly people to make this kind of call--it IS losing a sense of control. IF either of them is still alert and functioning, then how can your brother just step in and take them? I'd lovingly sit down with them and lay out the options. Hopefully they will be aware enough of the situation to do what is best for them.
And no, caregiving for people with dementia (even just aging issues aside from that) is HARD.
Alas, having a large nest egg makes them easy targets for the "brothers" in life who just really want the money. We don't have that "problem"...my oldest brother (now deceased) pretty much cleaned out my poor parents years ago and left them dependent on the rest of us. Our inheritance? Whatever mom has hanging in her closets. (There is a very small life insurance policy, which my brother with the POA says "split the 4 remaining ways...will not even buy you a used car." I plan to just give my portion to the brother who has cared for my folks for so long.
As far as my sister in law..i think she would love to get the money that a nursing home might get. My dad is fond of her but my Mom has always struggled to get along with her. When my brother facetimes my parents she rarely speaks to them so my Dad always asks about her.
My mom does not have dementia but she is terrified of any forms that would sign her control away. My dad does have dementia and at times he can be pretty lucid. If you dont spend a lot of time with him you wouldnt know right away he has dementia. He does have days tho where the dementia is plain as day.
I also am not over here anxious to slam them into assisted living or a nursing home. I truly believe that if i had left them on their home there is a good chance that possibly both of them would have deteriorated to require a nursing home. They are doing ok in their independent living for now and it is much cheaper then assisted living..and i hope to keep them there as long as possible. Of course there will come an inevitable day when they will need more care. So for now...i am actually saving my parents money with this living arrangemenr.
The difficulty level increases when you have no family support. It would be so much easier if we were all on the same page and supported each other. I hate to have to take this difficult journey alone..but it seems like thats what may happen.
It could be the money. It's sad to be cynical, but it isn't cynical to suppose that your brother would much rather not see your parents' wealth vanish into institutional care. Well, he can join the queue.
But another, linked possibility is that he's got on his white charger and sees himself coming to your parents' rescue. He may have heard all sorts of horror stories about "Those Places" and genuinely loathe the thought of your parents being in one. Given his inexperience, and his comment that you just have to know how to handle dad etc., it does sound as if he has a sentimental expression on his face and sincerely believes that all they need is a little love 'n' understanding and all will be well.
He has a lot to learn… But you don't want that learning done at your parents' expense, in terms of things going horribly wrong and the family ending up in crisis and your parents ending up heaven knows where. So I agree with the advice to pursue POA, as a matter of urgency while your mother is still able; only meanwhile keep talking to your brother and encourage him to research more of the harsh realities of this level of caregiving.
Do you happen to know what your SIL's view of this is, really? Does she have the faintest idea of what she's in for if brother's hare-brained scheme goes ahead?
Yes..my sister in law would most likely be doing the bulk of the work..and will expect to be paid like an assisted living or nursing home. My nephew is also not working and may be looking at getting some type of income as well. (This is my theory anyway).
My mom and sister in law have had periods where they get along..but for the most part they are like oil and vinegar. My mom would not like that living situation at all..living in her house. She may not go there freely..but who knows what is up their sleeves...a guardianship possibly?
My brother is going through my sister instead of directly through me and possibly trying to get her to side with them
As far as money..they are not on ss..both have good retirements and a sizeable Nest egg.
My brother told me sister he woudnt fight me on this..but...my sister thinks he will when he sees large amounts of money being spent on their care.
God...my life was hard enough but it is about to go to a whole nother level.
Explain to your mom that if she doesn't give you power of attorney that you will no longer be able to care for them. I wouldn't have them in my house for a New York Minute without that.
Of course if your parents are all for the plan then that makes it more difficult. If not you could perhaps use it as leverage to get those POAs! What do you other sibs have to say about this?
I think that it is your brother that needs care. How old is he?
Good luck. You will be better off on your own.