example......all of my life my mother has been unstable, violent behavior, very abusive physically and verbally. When she wants something she plays mind games to get want she wants. As an adult I pulled away from her. But the last year or so......see seems to display signs of dementia. When she wants you to do something and you don't have time.....she has these sudden trips to ER in ambulance and we run test after test, blood work and NOTHING is ever wrong, and the ER doc says dementia and starts talking to her about future care and when he leaves she is so mad and instantly her mind is perfect. We've had MRIs, under care of neurologist and family doctor, blood work. I am literally so confused. I want to help BUT if this is more manipulation I want to walk away from it for my own sanity. Advice/opinions?
This is your answer.
Dementia doesn't usually make nasty, manipulative people nice, kind people. It makes what they are more obvious because they can't hide as well.
My mom tried to tell me that she was so happy that she lasted 2 years longer than her mom and grandmother before getting Alzheimer's. As soon as I said we need to find a facility that you will be happy about, she is totally fine. Yep, manipulation failure!
Don't question your knowledge in this situation, you know your mom. You know what she is capable of doing to get her way. Besides, dementia is called the long goodbye because these behaviors can last for several decades. So she is fine at this stage of things, it's only if she had a brain injury, like a stroke or a fall that things could literally change overnight.
You know that you need to protect yourself and I am saying that you need to continue to protect yourself, no matter what she is experiencing. She chose this path, don't get blindsided because she found your weakness.
My parents are always trying different tactics to find the button that will get me in line with their desires. They can't believe that I don't have one, I mean they instilled tons of them, I couldn't possibly be stronger and smarter than they were.
You have to decide what you will do for her in the worse case scenario and stick by your boundaries. She hasn't changed, beware!
Has your mother ever been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to assess her needs?
I think that I would step away and allow the State to take over her care. It's very difficult to take care of an elder with both mental health issues and dementia.
Probably better if she is being care for by folks who can compel her compliance.
If ANYONE hinted at my mother that she had dementia, she would fly off the handle! She maintained that she was "fine, independent and could cook." She lived alone, so some of the very early signs were missed (or not understood as I knew almost nothing about dementia until she started making financial errors and repeating herself all the time, which is when I started my research.) After knowing this was early stages of dementia, we NEVER mentioned that word to her. In her mind it meant you were "off your rocker", aka crazy. That's not what dementia is, but for her it was.
I wouldn't dismiss some of this woman's issues being related to early dementia.
Is she safe? If yes, do nothing.
Is her lifestyle or living situation dangerous to her health? If no, do nothing.
You stayed away before. Why intervene now?
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