Can a person with moderate dementia turn “sweet and sour” on a whim?

Yes. It is the dementia. What you describe is not logical or rational behavior. She gets no benefit from it. In fact she lost out on a nice lunch because of it.

It is not the logical and reasonable part of her brain that is behaving this way. It is definitely the dementia.

You just described my experience with dementia parent. Flip the moody / nasty to sweet and charming switch several times, always depending on who is witness to the scenario.

Stay strong and try not to let it wear on you.

Folks with dementia have broken brains. They misinterpret what is being said to them.

It's the dementia.

My mom does this too, mostly on outings. I think they start to get tired or over whelmed and that is how they respond. I have stopped taking her to more than one or two places on one outing. This seems to have helped. Good luck this dementia thing is very perplexing to me too.

My aunt is exactly the same way. It wears on you, but try and keep a positive outlook. My standard response is, "I am really sorry that you feel that way."

It isn't so much "on a whim" - I don't believe it is a choice.

The brain functions can depend on external stimuli and medicines - kind of like some days I wake up 'chipper' and some days 'just stay out of my way' - these are not by choice but if my sugar goes up, I am not the same person as when it is controlled.

Fortunately I can tell when my sugar is up and I can warn my DH that it will not be a good day for me. This way although it bothers him, he won't take it personally if I "snap" more for little things. I have no control over this and I explain it to him every time I have a day like this.

I say I don't have control - but to be perfectly honest, it comes the day after a sugar-binge.

It's hard not to get your feeling hurt and become upset, I'm sorry you have to tolerate this. Try to remember she doesn't mean it.

Yes, things like this happen. The two of you can have a great time and then something will get your mom sour or angry. Keep in mind that the purpose for the outing is getting mom out of the facility for a while. You should enjoy it because you are doing something special for her. She’ll forget it happened in a half hour and you forget it too!

Oh this dang dementia! It seems to strike out at those who are closest and most available, those who have been in the most trusted, loving relationships. And it uses the bodies of our dearest loved ones to do it. In the case of our family, it is my mother’s AD, and sometimes my father’s vascular dementia that sometimes has them lashing out at each other in ways (words) I never would have thought possible after 58 years of loving marriage. (They share an AL room in a graduated care facility.) Since I am across the country, I am generally spared from the brunt of these episodes, other than being referee by phone during my daily “visits.” Fortunately, their dementia allows them to quickly forget any pain they may have caused one another and they return to their loving selves, usually the next day, until the next episode. It is indeed heart breaking what this dang dementia does to our loved ones, to relationships, and to those who love and care for the ones it attacks. My heart hurts for you just as it does for my folks. Be sure to take care of yourself especially well on the days when it hurts.

I agree with all the responses that those who care for the loved ones with dementia the most are the ones who often get whacked. My husband is like that sometimes too with me, but not to friends and relatives who come to visit. It is easy to say to brush it off, but gets to you after a while.

So this cannot be that their filters have been erased by the disease? Their true nature that was suppressed for 70 years because of wanting to look good to others? Mom always could turn on a dime when I was alone with her or when she was "with a frenemy". She always pretended to be a model person but the moment out of earshot talked very bad about people in order to make herself look better.

I keep telling people that she is now being true to herself since her filters have been erased by the vascular dementia. I get the physically tired aspect and general crankiness and acknowledge she (as I, too) have it. She is still able to be kind to everyone but me and I just thought it was the nature of my relationship with someone with a mild narcissistic personality. She is moderate to late stage for physical (urinary, gate, unsteadiness) but early to moderate with communication and expression without reasoning processing (time telling, reading, or organizational skills).

Thanks for this post, Peggy6. It is good for me to see since I have always never felt good enough for my adoptive mom.

Just about everyone I know that has cared for a parent said that the person that helps them the most is the one that gets attacked verbally. Sad but they really don't know what they are doing.

My Mom gets this way once in a while. I do not react. I just sat. Ok with love and a smile. In a second it passes. Mom used to be harsh at ties. I was surprised when we saw that again.

sure can in my case she got mad this was at home she got mad at me i took my dog for a walk & come back a hour later she forgot all about it ..they change very fast.. so sooner or later she will not remember things a few minutes ago ..my mom sometimes does remember though ....i do not know if she has the vascular or what ever else it is ..but it is a pain to this sometimes i wish she would be back to normal but it isnt going to happen try to keep her to eat as much as possible mine does not eat much at all .. that will help to keep her living longer cause she will not eat almost none so keep eating & giver her the most favorite thing my mom loved the marshmallow filled covered with chocolate made by russell stover you can get them at walgreens 2 for 1.50 $ go eat some ..so now she does not want to eat them at all ..but i found something she still loves belgian mini cream puffs you can get them at walmart frozen desert section so when she does not like everything anymore get her them ..

I believe this behavior is the result of a combination of the explanations others have mentioned. First it's the anxiety that is part of the dementia combined with their malfunctioning interpretations of their surroundings. All imput for them is stressful, and their inherent anxiety makes it worse. The result is abberant emotional responses (ie: anger with no true cause). Everyone can occasionally be angry, and would likely not respond by exhibiting that overtly. But once their filters fade, the anger shows up front and center. It's all a slow process, so for a while they manage to control the outbursts in public, where they still know they will face some backlash. But within "safe" relationships, they don't hold back. With my Mom, the anger was at first directed just at my Dad. Then after a while, at me, because I was next in line of who was closest. My brothers never saw any of it, for years. Then occasional outbursts would happen in their presense. Then more often. But always she was sweet as pie to any stranger. ...Odd note, when she eventually had episodes of forgetting who I was, she was sweet to me too.

I was told at a Dementia seminar that old traits become exaggerated more. Ie. real nice people gets nicer, really negative more negative. This was a great question to share with everyone as my brother and I are going through the same thing with my dad. We get the brunt of his negativity, but in front of others he is nice. Makes it hard for anyone to even believe he has issues, and harder on us as they may think his diagnosis is incorrect. However they see other traits that they cannot dismiss. But they are hardest on those close to them. I am trying to build up a thick skin. It’s so hard.

You are not alone. Mom gets "mad" at me almost every day, and for very similar things that you describe. But she's rainbows and kittens with everyone else, particularly my brother. When she just won't snap out of it, I text my brother and tell him to call her cuz she's in a snit! He does, and then she snaps out it. If there is someone you can call to get her out of it, I'd recommend that.

I went through a similar situation with my wife, but it turned out to be a stage of her dementia (lasted 4-5 weeks.) She was downright hostile at times. A counselor told me it was common for dementia patients to turn on the ones with whom they have had loving relationships. My wife is now in an AL/memory care/dementia facility. I visit her often and she is always happy to see me.

I am looking for the answer to this question not give the answer and I'm finding this in most questions I need the support please

ksordh, yes, filters do erode with this disease. They say out loud things they would only think to themselves before. But I think the filters we build over time are part of who we are, not masks to cover up our "true selves."

I have worked hard to curb my tendencies toward impatience. Is this more patient person I've become just an impostor, covering up the "real" me? Or does it reflect the "real" me because it is something I choose, and not just instinct?

In your situation, I think there is more going on that "just" the dementia. You say you have never felt good enough for your adoptive mom. There are some relationships like that. This is not likely to improve with the dementia. The dementia behavior tends to look like more evidence that mother doesn't think you are good enough. The whole dynamic of the relationship over your lifetime is involved here.

I largely agree with what you were told at the seminar, Kingsbridge. Nice people tend to stay nice and mean people stay mean. I was so very fortunate that my husband and my mother were fundamentally nice people!

I'm not sure that is 100% true, though. As least as they tell it, members of my support group had loved ones who seemed to change. They were "nice" all their lives, and suddenly they are mean. Perhaps it depends on exactly what areas of the brain are damaged.

I constantly get blamed for everything or accused of everything. It is awful when she starts this. 3 children and I am the one that comes every night and some in the daytime. I take her clothes out of the assisted living to wash. I Clorox wipe the bathroom every night and the railings, light switches, door knobs, toilet seat & handle and around underneath, the sink, faucet & shower head where the water comes out where mold accumulates. Lay her clothes out every night, roll her hair every night, take her to her doctors, sit at her dining room table sometimes when my mother eats. I try to get her to eat more or drink. I pay the difference out of my own money for the assist liv that her $$ are not enough monthly. I have to pay for her AARP Plan F which is very high also her RX Plan and also the medicines that have a balance monthly, her Pull ups, her Briefs, her pads, plus much more out of my own $$. I do not get help from sister and brother who took everything when my mom signed a POA thinking it was a Medical POA but it turned out it was a durable and when my mom cancelled the POA it was to late they had moved out all her $$ and transferred her home and land into a irrevocable trust. A lot of $$ was spent to try to reverse this trust, many lawyers. They won through deceit and lies. Her monthly $$ from SS are higher a little more than requirement to get Medicaid. I worked all my life, and it hurts to know that I will not have anyone to help me when I am older. I am 66 now and can't bear to see my mother not have what she needs. I feel un appreciated. She talks to others nicer than to me. She tells others she loves them but seems like its hard for her to tell me. I hear other mothers tell their daughters when they are at the table how happy they are to see them and they love them. I know my mother has gone through a lot and holds it all in possibly in her golden years when she is suppose to have joy. She is 99 but she doesn't look 99. She cares more about getting her fingernails polished and hair fixed than eating yogurt or food she needs. I try to get her to drink protein drinks. She says this all the time they make me want to throw up and says it about the yogurt too. It is not true! I have got her to eat it for years and she never throws up and she complains every time she does not want it because of being stubborn or rebel because I want her to eat or drink it. I try to give it to her to help have the good bacteria in her so she will not catch possibly C-Diff from someone in the public atmosphere where all kind of germs are around. I leave there sometimes so upset that I can't stand it any longer how I am treated. Right now it is hurting so bad to know she told me when she was with my sister & her standing over her, a will was made leaving me $1. But who is there for her. I took care of her since 2009 till 2015 when she had to go in assisted living after rehab from hip replacement that made her left foot turn inward. What makes her treat me this way and blame and accuse me of things I have not done. Then she talks about my sister and brother and says they will be sorry one day what they have done. She can't remember sometimes certain things. It hurts so bad to see her this way and what family did. Lawyers say that most people do not realize how much this happens in families that you would never had expected it to happen in. It has ruined the extended family also. My mother has not seen their children her grandchildren and great grandchildren on my sister side or her grandchildren on my brother's side. My son and grandchildren have always seen her and brought gifts or sent gifts to her. My sister and brother have not sent my mom a Birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, Easter card, etc., at all since 2009. They did not go to the hospital when my mother had surgery on her heart and hip.
God help me! I need it. So I know how you feel. The other day someone there told me how much my mother appreciated me and loves me which made me feel good. But I can't seem to get help. Went to a Medicaid DSS office I they did not know what to do? ! I told them I need help with getting her on Medicaid she needs briefs, pull ups, pads, , help on medicines and the Medicaid would help for insurance costs that I spend. and if she needs to eventually go in a Nursing Home which I do not like but I am not able to do a lot. She needs Medicaid for these extra things monthly.

Wwhelp, contact an attorney who specializes in Elder Law.  Forget all the ranting about your siblings.  Just concentrate on getting your mom what she needs, and stop paying for it yourself.  

Whelp, Agingmyself has it nailed. You need to stop paying her expenses. Please get some help for yourself before you totally break down under the stress.

Something funny, one of the things that alerted me to my husband's possible Alzlheimer's was he became much easier to get along with. He cooks, and it used to be I couldn't even go in the kitchen when he was cooking. It really upset him. One day, I noticed he didn't care if I was in there or not. It was a red flag. It will probably change but right now, he is easier to get along with than he ever was.

This is interesting because testing several years ago resulted my having a dx of MCI with, of course, the possibility of progression into full-fledged dementia of some sort.

My husband is having a hard time with this, perhaps more than I. From my standpoint my hardest job is trying to stay on an even keel and evaluate my behavior. He says my mood swings are hard to handle. I don't see unprovoked reactions on my part, but it is hard to dwell in this bubble seeing my world from looking inside out, and trying to honestly evaluate what others determine from their point of view looking from outside in. Do I know the difference and can I fix it? With regard to us, the resulting hurt on both sides is harmful to us both.

Chances are your mother, if she were mentally able, would be distressed by her behavior, but as it stands now, could she fix it?

My husband and I have been seeing a cognitive psychologist which I have found helpful. He, however, now refuses to go in spite of finding it increasingly hard to be "trapped" by my situation which has changed our lives, and not for the better.

The best I can suggest regarding your situation with your mother is to not judge yourself unkindly, and to be wary of letting your reactions be based on what was. You cannot help yearning for that more loving time and perhaps in some corner of her brain there is the same yearning, but she has not the power to make it happen.

I do believe in the "filters" concept. My grandmother used to say that as we age we become "more like ourselves" and I think the "filter concept" speaks to that. Even without dementia, aging seems to loosen the ability to adjust our behavior to what is considered appropriate. That can be hard to handle for all parties involved. You feel the situation as loss of her love for you. Try to remember her love for you has not died, but her ability to translate that emotion into action is being sabotaged by her mental condition. The loss of that part of cognition that makes us able to submerge what we want right now in favor of someone else's benefit gets lost as the dementia progresses. Translated, that means we want what we want, and want it NOW but are dependent on someone else to fulfill that. In the best of circumstances, we filter that into civil behavior and caring about the welfare of others, but dementia takes away that ability. Gratitude becomes a lost emotion and the "filter" instilled in us in childhood is no longer in control. Recognizing that danger in my own behavior and trying to keep the caring has become a focus. That's hard to do. Fear of losing the mental capacity to translate love into loving behavior, and knowing I probably will not even recognize the transition haunts me.

In the future you will value and even be proud of doing your best in spite of hurt, fatigue and your justifiable anger. And don't beat yourself up for wishing this would all end. It will.

Oh yes, that's dementia for you. CW made a good point.
When mom & I were out together and she would snap-or say something hurtful-that alerted me that either she was worn out OR hungry. If she was tired, we'd go straight home. Even though it IS the dementia, it doesn't hurt any less. Hugs to you (()).

yes, it is the dementia. In fact this very thing is what made my mother's brother and sister think for a good while that she was faking. She was nice to everybody and seemed to know them. Everybody except me, that is, the one she lives with, who quit my job to care for her 24/7. 0_o

I'm hoping once mom moves out of my house and into memory care, maybe she will even out. At least I won't have to deal with walking on eggshells and constantly having to switch how I react to her.

Yes! Dementia is not fun and oftentimes elders will either smile, cry or just be in a bad mood.

Yes. The best advice is to not take anything personal and to expect this behavior as par for the course.

My husband same thing. And never behaves that way to my kids or his sister. Also talks nice to me in front of others so they never see it and think I’m the mean one cause I have not much patience anymore