My wife and I recently had my mother, who has Alzheimer's, move in with us. Dad also had dementia, so two years ago, my wife and I moved a trailer onto my parents property, so we could take care of them. They lived in a small house next to our trailer. In October, they both caught covid (unvaccinated), and dad died. Mom went to rehab for a month, then came to live with us, because we felt it wasn't safe for her to live by herself in the house. The house has no heat, just a wood stove, so it wasn't suitable anyway. (Last winter was a nightmare). So it has been a roller coaster ride having mom living with us so far. The rehab said she was at stage 5 of the 7 stages of Alzheimer's progression. One big issue is that she currently does not have a doctor. A doctor has to send the order for home health care to the health care agency that her medicare advantage insurance will pay for. Seems no area doctors are taking new patients now. Also, I have no power of attorney (mom doesn't trust lawyers), but am going to talk to a lawyer next week about getting guardianship. We don't want to put mom in managed care, because she owns 8 acres of ground, (which our trailer is sitting on), and my understanding is that the property would have to be sold for her to qualify for medicaid. The local hospital has "in home hospice care", but the nurse that came by said that mom isn't "far along enough". She would have to be not ambulatory, and incontintent before they could provide help. My wife and I are stuck with one of us always having to be with mom, (I quit my job) so its really confining. My hope is that we can manage to keep mom at home so we don't have to sell the property and lose out trailer (its too old to be moved again). So, this is a long way of saying, I feel pretty lost right now.
That's something I'd be asking an attorney.
Also, if mom has no doctor, how did she get diagnosed with Alzheimer's to begin with?? Who do you call when issues arise, or do you just keep taking her to the ER? I would say it's imperative to get online and find a PCP for her immediately. I would think the hospital social worker could assist you with that. Or the area Office on Aging.
With stage 5 AD going on, it's unlikely you can get POA assigned now because she's incompetent to sign legal documents. You'll be better off going for guardianship which can be costly and take time, however.
My condolences on the loss of your father. I wish you good luck trying to care for your mother at home and preserve the 8 acres of land she owns. You may want to rethink quitting your job and losing that income, though, not to mention paying into Social Security to insure YOUR retirement years are properly covered, financially. Keep in mind your mother's resources are intended to be used for HER care in old age. Quitting your job to preserve a few acres of land may be a disastrous financial move on your part. A chat with an Elder Care atty is likely your best move at this juncture.
If your mother in fact has Alzheimer's and not one of the other dementias, it can go on for many many years. A gentleman in my support groups wife is in her 20th year of Alzheimer's. He had to place her in a memory care facility 6 years ago when he just couldn't care for her anymore by himself as she was severely incontinent and was wandering. She's now completely bedridden but still hanging on.
Do you think you and your wife can hang on for another 10+ years caring for her?
You don't know what the future holds for any of you, so it's best to start getting your ducks in a row now. And quitting your job is only hurting yours and your wife's own future.
As already said your mothers property should be used for her care and not for your inheritance. The fact that at this stage your inheritance seems to be more important to you, tells me that perhaps you really don't have your mothers best interests in mind.
Your mother will only continue to get worse and you MUST do what is best for her.
Yet since OP didn't set things up properly from the beginning due to not knowing or maybe parents made promises without getting things in writing they are about to get screwed over and it's not right or fair.
Believe me them getting this small pittance of 8 acres with a run down house is not going to make a dent in the ridiculous government waste and spending taxpayers are forced to pay for against their will.
My evil child abuser FIL just has his umpteenth heart surgery courtesy of taxpayers since he is 80 years old. What a waste to keep that piece of garbage alive at the taxpayers expense.
My Mom owned 7 acres of of ground and it was an exempt asset under Medicaid. I had it up for sale but not sure if it had to be.
Guardian is going to cost you unless Mom has the funds which Medicaid will allow. To get guardianship you will need a doctor maybe more.
I think you need to talk to a Medicaid caseworker. Ask how Moms property comes in to play as an exempt asset with you living on it as their caregivers the last two years. There is a caregivers allowance but not sure how that works when u don't actually live in the house but next door to them. Make sure you make the caseworker aware that you quit a job and moved next door to be their Caregivers.
Unless the doctor in Rehab was a Neurologist, I would not take his diagnosis as ALZ. ALZ is very hard to diagnosis. Mom needs a Neurologist to correctly diagnosis Mom.
Really don't understand why everyone seems to want to just pile on to this poor person who is just looking for information and help like everyone else. Aren't we all here looking for help and support? It's not like there's a Caregiver Olympics and some medal for getting it "perfect," as if such a thing existed.
Good on you for *trying* so hard to take care of them OP. Maybe you didn't have all the information you needed, maybe you coulda / woulda / shoulda done things differently had you known this or that (I would have in my own journey) but YOU ARE TRYING. There are so many elders out there whose family abandons them or abuses & neglects them. You're doing your best. Keep it up, and don't forget to take care of yourself too. <3
It is represented that they are Medicare but, you are right, they are Medicare contractors and they screw people and the system.
You will definitely need a good geriatric doctor, that you trust. And you need a POA. Thank you for being a loving son.
Good luck.
The experts in this forum have helped me be a better family caregiver.
If your mom doesn't have a doctor, you might consider asking your doctor or your wife's doctor for assistance. Caregiving can be extremely stressful, especially if you are trying to do your best...all the time. Your doctor will be invested in relieving your stress and anxiety. If you do not live in an area with an aging population, you might explore online resources in areas where there is a large aging pop like California, Florida and Maine.
My mom is four+ years diagnosed with dementia. I left my state in 2021 to move in with my folks so I could help them age-in-place (in their home). After 25 years, I'm exiting my job on January 1.
Recently my mom's doctor asked my mom (and me and my Pop) a pertinent question; if my mom fell or got sick or had any kind of accident that required significant care in addition to what we're already doing, would she rather move to a place where she would receive 24/7 professional care, or would she rather stay home.
My mom looked at me quizzically. I answered for her.
Surprisingly, I said, "We want her to be at home." That's what I said, no matter how many times I've fantasized about the day when I could simply visit my mom in memory care.
My mom is incontinent. She cannot be left alone. She is mobile but we're looking at walkers to steady her increasing instability. Over 50% of our day is spent calming (regulating) her anxiety and distress.
We have a caregiver from an agency come to our home, once a week for four hours. I've learned SO much from her. We expect to increase her hours as our needs increase.
If you haven't yet, maybe you can consult a local caregiving agency. They will be the experts in your area, and they are usually pretty generous with information.
Thank you for loving your mom. You are an honorable son.
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