I am 61, female, & live with my very fragile 89 yr. old Mom. All other close family members are deceased including my father (her husband of 65+ yrs), my older brother & only sibling, Mom’s friends & relatives, Dad’s only siblings, and my sweet husband who unfortunately passed 19 yrs ago at the age of 45.
The point I’m trying to make is I have been alone for many years and I’m used to handling things on my own (I don’t like it, but that’s just the way my life has turned out). My Mom is definitely fading & there are mornings I’m not even sure she’ll wake up. However, luckily she has no serious health issues, yet.
Being children of the Great Depression, my parents rarely ever got rid of anything and the house is jam packed with stuff. Mom & I get along for the most part, and I handle almost of her needs. The only touchy subject we do not agree on is all the clutter, mess, and junk in disrepair that has accumulated in the house. Even though my parents collected and saved all kinds of stuff, there is really very little of any true value here.
My biggest fear has always been that by the time she passes & I’m able to live my life again, I’ll be too old to enjoy it - as I’m sure many others can relate to as well. I do have degenerative arthritis & other physical problems which limit my mobility, and the thought of cleaning out everything in this house is going to be a nightmare.
I cannot stand clutter and have been quietly trying to “clean up” stuff whenever possible but it’s a slow, difficult, frustrating process. Mom absolutely will not budge when it comes to cleaning out things from the past that are no longer useful. I’ve had friends & relatives actually tell her that certain pieces of furniture, etc. should probably go to the curb, but nothing seems to persuade her. It’s embarrassing and depressing to live in a house where every room is outdated and filled with clutter, but Mom refuses to part with a thing.
How have AC readers dealt with this type of situation in the past? Mom is hardly a wealthy woman and whatever small amount of cash we could get is desperately needed. I am losing my mind & definitely my patience waiting for her permission to purge; I am anxious to begin tossing stuff out.
Any ideas or advice? I’m sick of being buried with old stuff that generally has no significance to me whatsoever.
-I’m Up To My Armpits!!
Added to that stuff I now need to go through (I planned to do my own purging once the house I'm in got repairs/renovations needed) is all the things that came from mom's MC space - included in that is a lot of items that were never hers! We weren't allowed in to pack, so I'm seeing clothing that wasn't hers and wouldn't even fit her, plus random towels, stretchy undies that were NOT hers, etc. MORE crap for me to deal with!!!
If it’s ‘stuff’, one suggestion would be to ask your mother to talk with you about each item – where she got it, what her memories of it are etc. Take notes, write it all down. Doing that will help validate her memories of the past, and it’s possible that you may even both enjoy it. In the process, she may be willing to decide that some things don’t matter to her any more, and that may help you both to agree what to do with them now. It should definitely help you to get rid of the stacks of washed plastic bags, like my mother left me! And it will be a very useful step for the inevitable time when you do have to sort and dispose of it all.
You may find that some things that you don’t think have any value, are old enough to have some historic value that someone on Ebay would like. A bit of history, dates, where it was made, often increase the value. Things like old kitchen mincers, out-dated lengths of printed fabric, little stools full of shoe polish brushes, now sell for useful money – it may not all have to get left on the curb or go to an OpShop. Once you have a list, it’s much easier to get someone knowledgeable to check it with you.
At least it’s a way to approach the mess that shouldn’t make mother feel that her whole life is valueless and is going to be thrown away. She might even get interested in who and why someone else might love it! I bought an Ebay persian rug from someone who said his downsizing mother was really pleased to think that I thought it was beautiful. Do it gradually, bit by bit! I’ve cleaned out 5 houses now, and you have my deep sympathy about what you are faced with. Yours, Margaret
As useless as some of it might be, she does miss it if we toss even the smallest thing. 6 years ago she bought a storage shed and my sisters (with some small help from me) went through all the stuff, sorted it into boxes as she told us the stories of the treasured items. Most of it went into the shed in neatly labeled containers, a couple of bags went to Goodwill, and 1 bag went in the trash. It thinned out the amount of stuff in her living space and she has the option to ask to have something brought into the house.
Most of her "treasures" are junk. The chief sorting sister carefully labelled those few boxes of things that had some value. When Mom dies or can no longer refuse to go into nursing care we will take the valuables. All grandchildren and great grandchildren will have a couple of weeks to come and look at the stuff to see if there is anything they want. Then we will hire someone to haul it all off. We will not care if they keep it, sell it, or dump it all. 1 other sister and I have agreed to split the cost of hauling the junk off, which keeps the other 2 from worrying about whether they will have the strength or the money to do the job when it needs to be done.
Yeah, the presence of so much stuff is sometimes annoying, but the one thing that all of us sisters agree on is that we want to have friendly, pleasant relations with Mom. We want her final years to be pleasant for her. For 2 of us (we are 4), this time is actually the best time of our lives with Mom as our childhood experience was pretty nasty at times. She can no longer dictate what happens in our lives and we will not dictate what happens in hers. She is getting more frail and we keep thinking that her time must be just about done, but she has some kind of near-immortality and keeps on going. 3 or 4 years ago we called everyone and told them to come see her for the last time. Ha! Still going, like the Eveready bunny! For now, we choose to have peace with Mom and let her keep her stuff. It is worth it for the pleasantness of our weekly visits. As a child I never experienced a loving, nurturing mother. I now have a mother with whom I can have a pleasant conversation, which is worth putting up with the junk.
The reality is that larger items such as furniture you might have no desire for in your future should just be left alone for the present. If she will notice its absence just leave it alone. Those items are actually easier to get rid of as they are single pieces. It's all the other stuff that can drive one nuts.
We would find a lovely wedding certificate from 1930 stuffed in a chest with old socks. Clothes that had mildew. Old books that were falling apart. Countless correspondence in no order,some of which was interesting, alot that wasn't. There was also so much more in a miscellaneous category. My point is to continue to tackle that which she may not remember . Purging some of it will give you hopefully some relief. Depending on how long she lives or can remember anything there may be more you can get rid of. My advice is not to expect any cooperation and find the countless little things to continue to get rid of.
It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out my mother's one bedroom apartment. Part of that was due to having to travel nearly an hour away back and forth to that apartment from our home. We had to feed a meter and run downstairs to not get a parking ticket. I know we got at least one anyway. My late MIL'S house was 6 hours away from where we lived. Alot of that was brought to our home to then sort out. We knew in both cases there would be no sense of reality as to what was worth keeping. We did keep worthwhile items while also throwing out alot. It was up to us to determine the worth which was mainly if we had any interest in it.
It can be an exhausting task. The process is emotionally draining and one finds oneself getting angry that this has been put upon us. Those are normal sentiments. I hope you can continue as I mentioned and know so many of us have experienced this seemingly thankless task. Hopefully you might find along the way something of value you desire but that likely will be the exception and not the norm. Wishing you the strength and energy you need along the way.
As to living in this mess, I think I would not. If your parent needs 24/7 care then it may require placement in a facility. I would not live in a mess to care for parents; fact is I could not do live in care, but to put up with living in a mess on top of that is far far too much. You have problems of your own, and this should be a time in your life when you can still get around, when you can do things you enjoy and be surrounded by things you enjoy.
The choice is yours. Your Mom is in a different time in her life. She is facing down loss after loss after loss and doesn't want to give up more. You may need to make it clear her choices--in facility care or a complete cleanout of the living quarters.
When the time comes to do a house clean out, don't assume there's nothing of value in your mothers home because it's cluttered with old stuff. Your folks have been collecting for years, admittedly, meaning they may have had a good eye and plenty of valuables in ephemera alone, as others have said. I sell on eBay and go junking 2x a week. You would be shocked to know what I find in little old ladies houses "packed with junk".....they're my favorites. Just recently I bought 6 paper Parents Magazine, Baby Care Manuals from the 50s, and Baby's Record Books that were handed out in the late 50s by dairy companies for free. I paid a quarter apiece for them and they sell for upwards of $20 apiece. That's one tiny example I can give you of something one might consider trash that could fetch you $120. In reality, people collect all sorts of crazy odd things others think off as garbage, and I sell on eBay! Before you do anything, get a knowledgeable estate sale appraiser who offers online AUCTIONS into mom's house to look over the place. That person can sell her stuff on an online auction for A LOT of money on Long Island where you live. Go to Auctionninja.com and look for companies in your area.
Here's a link: https://www.auctionninja.com/marketplace?city=Bethpage&state=New+York&miles=10&onlinesale=y
You want online auctions because they ship and reach a very large audience of bored people sitting around starting bidding wars on their laptops in Covid times! 😁
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed with all that's on your plate.
My sister was in I’ll health with extremely limited mobility with a house cluttered in every single room. Her husband was definitely a hoarder and to a smaller extent so was she. Due to her sadness of losing her husband so suddenly, she was reluctant to part with ANYTHING they had together. It was a very very hard road but she and I started with small stuff (like going thru the oodles of Tupperware). We went piece by piece (keep, donate (to a good cause (e.g. Veterans)), sell (at a yard sale), toss. She made every decision. I helped nudge her for a reason for each decision. After we went thru the very large pile, she said she felt better (I know it was because she saw progress AND made the decisions- she just needed help getting there). After that, about a week later we went thru her pantry. We left enuf time between so she didn’t feel overwhelmed.
it is such a slow process but nudging them with options (that you present but she decides) and inching toward progress may help mom feel more in control and likely to want to do more.
Now that she’s gone I’m realizing that much of the junk were treasures- not just to her but to me. I’m so glad I didn’t force her to throw them away. They would have hurt her immensely.
I have chosen to do most of this myself - with a few drop ins by helpful relatives. It hasn’t been bad at all.
I started by sorting:
things that clearly have an owner
precious memorabilia
valuable items
keep
donate
trash.
After she is gone—-
The easy answer is pay to have someone do it all. Everything could be packed and hauled out quickly.
The inexpensive answer is sort it yourself (and you can pay to have the lifting and removing done, if needed).
The things you don’t want can be carried away by family members purchasers from an auction or tag sale.
it isn’t as bad as you think it will be. It is a sentimental journey I am glad I didn’t pass up.
Don’t pester her and take away her special treasures while she is still breathing.
Her kitchen has always been small but it's becoming difficult to find places to put things. This has helped her agree to do a little purging. As is the case with many families, no one really wants her old dishes or silver. But I've asked my children to accept any gifts and get rid of them as they wish so that we will have less to deal with when we're grieving.
I've had good luck tackling one space at a time. We began in the basement--the fact that the things were stashed in the basement were the first clue that they weren't that important to her. We found, among other things, my sixth-grade art project, fitted sheets without any elastic, and crumbling Christmas decorations. She insisted that these things could be donated, so we kept two bags for donation...one went to the Goodwill, the other to the trash. We need to do this many more times, but every little bit helps.
We are also noting what NOT to do to our own kids. We are purging our own belongings more frequently. We are much more careful about adding belongings to our home. We are NOT adamantly insisting that we stay in our home until things get desperate.
(I see many people mention hoarding, and I don't think this is hoarding. Hoarders keep buying stuff. The Depression/WWII era elders were never big on buying...just on saving. The result is the same--too much stuff--but the underlying issues are different.)