I am 61, female, & live with my very fragile 89 yr. old Mom. All other close family members are deceased including my father (her husband of 65+ yrs), my older brother & only sibling, Mom’s friends & relatives, Dad’s only siblings, and my sweet husband who unfortunately passed 19 yrs ago at the age of 45.
The point I’m trying to make is I have been alone for many years and I’m used to handling things on my own (I don’t like it, but that’s just the way my life has turned out). My Mom is definitely fading & there are mornings I’m not even sure she’ll wake up. However, luckily she has no serious health issues, yet.
Being children of the Great Depression, my parents rarely ever got rid of anything and the house is jam packed with stuff. Mom & I get along for the most part, and I handle almost of her needs. The only touchy subject we do not agree on is all the clutter, mess, and junk in disrepair that has accumulated in the house. Even though my parents collected and saved all kinds of stuff, there is really very little of any true value here.
My biggest fear has always been that by the time she passes & I’m able to live my life again, I’ll be too old to enjoy it - as I’m sure many others can relate to as well. I do have degenerative arthritis & other physical problems which limit my mobility, and the thought of cleaning out everything in this house is going to be a nightmare.
I cannot stand clutter and have been quietly trying to “clean up” stuff whenever possible but it’s a slow, difficult, frustrating process. Mom absolutely will not budge when it comes to cleaning out things from the past that are no longer useful. I’ve had friends & relatives actually tell her that certain pieces of furniture, etc. should probably go to the curb, but nothing seems to persuade her. It’s embarrassing and depressing to live in a house where every room is outdated and filled with clutter, but Mom refuses to part with a thing.
How have AC readers dealt with this type of situation in the past? Mom is hardly a wealthy woman and whatever small amount of cash we could get is desperately needed. I am losing my mind & definitely my patience waiting for her permission to purge; I am anxious to begin tossing stuff out.
Any ideas or advice? I’m sick of being buried with old stuff that generally has no significance to me whatsoever.
-I’m Up To My Armpits!!
Do you have a room just for you that at least can be without her stuff and clutter?
Maybe buy her some pretty boxes with lids ( cover boxes in sticky shelf paper is cheaper) and say mom lets put things in there and then the boxes will be pretty
to set out. Label boxes to relatives and friends and have her sort into each box to leave for them ( they can just be pitched hen she is gone- at least they are in tubs or boxes to lift and throw.
Once my mother is gone- our community has a free wall on Facebook. I will post it and say some for it ( they pick up ) . Check into dumpster service also . See if boy scouts or a club can come to help empty.
Your box theory is great
Stuff stays clean ,,,it gets marked so you fool yourself someone will actually take it.,,,,who knows ,maybe they will salvage what they like.........and its all ready to go
Priceless 💡
Thank you
Little old me .,,,,still going 💪
But I must get working
Now that she’s gone I’m realizing that much of the junk were treasures- not just to her but to me. I’m so glad I didn’t force her to throw them away. They would have hurt her immensely.
I have chosen to do most of this myself - with a few drop ins by helpful relatives. It hasn’t been bad at all.
I started by sorting:
things that clearly have an owner
precious memorabilia
valuable items
keep
donate
trash.
After she is gone—-
The easy answer is pay to have someone do it all. Everything could be packed and hauled out quickly.
The inexpensive answer is sort it yourself (and you can pay to have the lifting and removing done, if needed).
The things you don’t want can be carried away by family members purchasers from an auction or tag sale.
it isn’t as bad as you think it will be. It is a sentimental journey I am glad I didn’t pass up.
Don’t pester her and take away her special treasures while she is still breathing.
My sister was in I’ll health with extremely limited mobility with a house cluttered in every single room. Her husband was definitely a hoarder and to a smaller extent so was she. Due to her sadness of losing her husband so suddenly, she was reluctant to part with ANYTHING they had together. It was a very very hard road but she and I started with small stuff (like going thru the oodles of Tupperware). We went piece by piece (keep, donate (to a good cause (e.g. Veterans)), sell (at a yard sale), toss. She made every decision. I helped nudge her for a reason for each decision. After we went thru the very large pile, she said she felt better (I know it was because she saw progress AND made the decisions- she just needed help getting there). After that, about a week later we went thru her pantry. We left enuf time between so she didn’t feel overwhelmed.
it is such a slow process but nudging them with options (that you present but she decides) and inching toward progress may help mom feel more in control and likely to want to do more.
Every other week is Heavy Trash, so start setting out one or two large items every other week.
Of course start with the rooms she doesn't go in to every day.
Haging things disappear slowly she may not even notice.
Have an intermediary help you—if you attend a church, perhaps the minister could help her be charitable.
Do you think your mom would even consider a "reorganization" based on mutual safety and mobility issues? Is there one room in the house that you could use as a storage space? You can tactfully suggest to her that she shouldn't worry, you won't be getting rid of anything per se, just making it easier and safer to move around the house - and if she agrees, you can start boxing things up and placing the boxes neatly in another room. Be sure to label them so that if she goes in to check on things, she'll know what's where, but discreetly put a unique mark on each one that tells YOU that it's stuff that can be simply thrown out after she passes away. (Hopefully she won't start going through them to make sure you haven't thrown away a cherished item behind her back.)
I don't know that she'll go for an idea like that, but it may help. The elderly hang onto things for a lot of reasons - the comfort of seeing long-familiar items from the past, that Depression-era mentality of never letting anything go to waste, a feeling of permanence in a world that's constantly changing. It's difficult for them to give things up, especially when the only other thing they have is memories of their parents, spouses and other children who have long since passed on.
An important thing to remember is that though you're sick of being buried with old stuff that generally has no significance to YOU, it may be of great significance to HER. You don't want to hurt her, or make her feel that her feelings are of no consequence. The older and more frail our elders become, the more "useless" they feel, and that leads to depression and sadness.
If your mom still refuses to do anything about anything, my advice is to get along the best you can in this environment, provided that it's merely inconvenient or irritating as opposed to actually dangerous. You're living in HER house, after all. While you've lived alone (and on your own terms) for quite some time, you can't always have it your own way under someone else's roof, even if you're taking care of their daily needs.
If there is any truly broken furniture, you could pretend to take it to get an estimate for "repairs" and give her some ridiculously large quote. Then mention they will take it for free vs having to pay to have it hauled away... Maybe?
The reality is that larger items such as furniture you might have no desire for in your future should just be left alone for the present. If she will notice its absence just leave it alone. Those items are actually easier to get rid of as they are single pieces. It's all the other stuff that can drive one nuts.
We would find a lovely wedding certificate from 1930 stuffed in a chest with old socks. Clothes that had mildew. Old books that were falling apart. Countless correspondence in no order,some of which was interesting, alot that wasn't. There was also so much more in a miscellaneous category. My point is to continue to tackle that which she may not remember . Purging some of it will give you hopefully some relief. Depending on how long she lives or can remember anything there may be more you can get rid of. My advice is not to expect any cooperation and find the countless little things to continue to get rid of.
It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out my mother's one bedroom apartment. Part of that was due to having to travel nearly an hour away back and forth to that apartment from our home. We had to feed a meter and run downstairs to not get a parking ticket. I know we got at least one anyway. My late MIL'S house was 6 hours away from where we lived. Alot of that was brought to our home to then sort out. We knew in both cases there would be no sense of reality as to what was worth keeping. We did keep worthwhile items while also throwing out alot. It was up to us to determine the worth which was mainly if we had any interest in it.
It can be an exhausting task. The process is emotionally draining and one finds oneself getting angry that this has been put upon us. Those are normal sentiments. I hope you can continue as I mentioned and know so many of us have experienced this seemingly thankless task. Hopefully you might find along the way something of value you desire but that likely will be the exception and not the norm. Wishing you the strength and energy you need along the way.
When the time comes to do a house clean out, don't assume there's nothing of value in your mothers home because it's cluttered with old stuff. Your folks have been collecting for years, admittedly, meaning they may have had a good eye and plenty of valuables in ephemera alone, as others have said. I sell on eBay and go junking 2x a week. You would be shocked to know what I find in little old ladies houses "packed with junk".....they're my favorites. Just recently I bought 6 paper Parents Magazine, Baby Care Manuals from the 50s, and Baby's Record Books that were handed out in the late 50s by dairy companies for free. I paid a quarter apiece for them and they sell for upwards of $20 apiece. That's one tiny example I can give you of something one might consider trash that could fetch you $120. In reality, people collect all sorts of crazy odd things others think off as garbage, and I sell on eBay! Before you do anything, get a knowledgeable estate sale appraiser who offers online AUCTIONS into mom's house to look over the place. That person can sell her stuff on an online auction for A LOT of money on Long Island where you live. Go to Auctionninja.com and look for companies in your area.
Here's a link: https://www.auctionninja.com/marketplace?city=Bethpage&state=New+York&miles=10&onlinesale=y
You want online auctions because they ship and reach a very large audience of bored people sitting around starting bidding wars on their laptops in Covid times! 😁
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed with all that's on your plate.
The shop is full of cut off scraps of wood that we are saving because we can use them as 1) paint stir sticks, and 2) glue blocks. He has not been down to the shop to work in over 4 years.
At one point, when he was in the hospital, I called a junk removal company and got rid of half a truck full of trash.
I try to get rid of stuff, but I am so overwhelmed I just turn around and go back into the house.
It's discouraging, and all I can do is take out the trash once in a while.
Truthfully? When she dies we sibs will meet together, spend 1-2 days cleaning out EVERYTHING and dividing up what's useful and what's not. Not one of us kids is sentimental over 'stuff' so I think it will be pretty easy. Right now we just want her to have a safe walking path--that is about the only thing we can accomplish.
None of the family were wealthy and there weren’t many of these odds and ends, but they had ‘treasures’ from many lives and many years, tucked away in packages taking up cupboard space. And of course there were also the cupboards of rubbish like my mother’s washed plastic bags. It would be a pity to assume that it’s all rubbish to be cleared out in a skip!
Added to that stuff I now need to go through (I planned to do my own purging once the house I'm in got repairs/renovations needed) is all the things that came from mom's MC space - included in that is a lot of items that were never hers! We weren't allowed in to pack, so I'm seeing clothing that wasn't hers and wouldn't even fit her, plus random towels, stretchy undies that were NOT hers, etc. MORE crap for me to deal with!!!
As to living in this mess, I think I would not. If your parent needs 24/7 care then it may require placement in a facility. I would not live in a mess to care for parents; fact is I could not do live in care, but to put up with living in a mess on top of that is far far too much. You have problems of your own, and this should be a time in your life when you can still get around, when you can do things you enjoy and be surrounded by things you enjoy.
The choice is yours. Your Mom is in a different time in her life. She is facing down loss after loss after loss and doesn't want to give up more. You may need to make it clear her choices--in facility care or a complete cleanout of the living quarters.
"A pack rat will clutter up their home or apartment with a lot of stuff, but when pressed for a reason, they'll insist they may have a use for it somewhere or at some time. A hoarder simply absorbs anything and everything without any definitive purpose for the largest percentage of the stuff they acquire."
This may be splitting hairs, but I consider myself part of the rat pack... I do hang onto some things that might be "useful" at some point and it HAD helped a few times. I don't keep what would be considered trash, except long enough until I get to the recycle center.
If she were in the habit of picking up more items at yard sales all the time, sure, But if the stuff, esp furniture, has just been sitting there for years, she's more likely just a pack rat.
So since it is also your home, I think you have a right to not live in distressing surroundings. Maybe start by removing non-sentimental items, like old/unused clothing, bedding, old magazines, duplicates of items, broken things, etc? I would not spend emotional energy on discussing the removal of non-sentimental, non-essential items. Perhaps you can tell her that her doctor has ordered you to make the house safer for her by "temporarily" removing some furniture. Can you stage some of the items into your garage bay until you decide what to do with it? Or tell her the shabby furniture is "going out for repair" (or cleaning)? I do agree with spending time talking over some of her more cherished or mysterious possessions. I hope you can make some progress!
I get it -- my parents' house is stuffed to the gills with stuff as well. My poor dad finally realized what a task they were going to leave for me, and he started trying to get rid of things, but every single item had to find a home and couldn't go to the Salvation Army. It frustrated him to such an extent that I finally just said, "Dad, I'll take care of it when you'll no longer care." That gave him a lot of peace.
He's been gone for 2 1/2 years, and my mother has been in a memory care that long as well, and I've only just started on the garage. I did go through 22 cardboard boxes of my dad's kitchen table piles of paperwork right after he died, but that's it. I have a house full of 100-year-old antiques to purge in an era where where Mid-Century Modern is the antique of choice. I'm letting the estate sale people deal with it.
If you can bear it, I suggest waiting until Mom goes, having an estate sale, then discarding what's left. People will buy anything, all the way down to a half-empty bottle of shampoo, so the less you purge just for the sake of getting rid of it, the better. You never know what will generate a little cash.
If it’s ‘stuff’, one suggestion would be to ask your mother to talk with you about each item – where she got it, what her memories of it are etc. Take notes, write it all down. Doing that will help validate her memories of the past, and it’s possible that you may even both enjoy it. In the process, she may be willing to decide that some things don’t matter to her any more, and that may help you both to agree what to do with them now. It should definitely help you to get rid of the stacks of washed plastic bags, like my mother left me! And it will be a very useful step for the inevitable time when you do have to sort and dispose of it all.
You may find that some things that you don’t think have any value, are old enough to have some historic value that someone on Ebay would like. A bit of history, dates, where it was made, often increase the value. Things like old kitchen mincers, out-dated lengths of printed fabric, little stools full of shoe polish brushes, now sell for useful money – it may not all have to get left on the curb or go to an OpShop. Once you have a list, it’s much easier to get someone knowledgeable to check it with you.
At least it’s a way to approach the mess that shouldn’t make mother feel that her whole life is valueless and is going to be thrown away. She might even get interested in who and why someone else might love it! I bought an Ebay persian rug from someone who said his downsizing mother was really pleased to think that I thought it was beautiful. Do it gradually, bit by bit! I’ve cleaned out 5 houses now, and you have my deep sympathy about what you are faced with. Yours, Margaret
My mother was 96 and lived alone till she passed away last year. She never threw anything out. She died October 31 2020 and I still have umpteen Kleenex boxes, umpteen paper towels and umpteen toilet paper. She hoarded so much of it that I brought all that back to my house when she passed. 6 months later and I haven’t run out of any of it yet.
When she passed we rented 2 huge dumpsters, 50 contractor garbage bags that got thrown out. The furniture we donated.
My advice is find a facility for your mother or you move out and have hired help for your mom. She could easily live another 10 years.
Aluminum foil, tweezers, plastic wrap and various other items, plus the crap OB brought here - 2.5 years since the condo sale, some stuff arrived sooner, as it took me 1.75 years to get it ready for sale!
Haven't gotten through all the crap he brought here when she passed and they boxed up everything - we weren't allowed in - and of course where did it all go? My place. I finally started going through the stuff and not only is there now more clothing, etc to deal with, I believe I've also "inherited" other peoples' clothing, towels and even stretch undies (This is something my mother NEVER wore and she was in disposable briefs over 2 years! We took away all underwear at that time and replaced them with briefs. Those stretchy undies were in her drawers then too, but I KNOW she never wore those, only cotton.) I know the towels are not hers, wrong colors, only one each color/style, no matching hand towels or wash clothes, clothing that would NOT ever fit my mother, etc. That is about the only complaint I had about the place. I was assured multiple times that each residents' laundry is done separately, and I call BS on that.