My parents had 7 kids. When my mother got sick she came to live with me and 2 of my sisters would come and help with her. The others did nothing. Well, she passed and the day after, my father moved in. So now I care for him alone. One of my sisters takes him to his appts. Everything else is on me. My other siblings only come when they need money from him. This one sister comes and starts all kinds of drama. She's upset because she's the oldest and my mother had me be POA of both her and my father when she first got sick. She felt she's the oldest so it should have been her. But I was the most responsible. Well now she puts lies into my father's head. She starts mess and it is stressing me out. They all seem to have a say in how I should be handling everything but none of them want to help. They feel that because I have POA, I should do everything? I don't care about the others coming to visit him, but me and my oldest sister just don't get along and she keeps starting stuff and I don't want her here. IDK if I can stop her from coming because he is here. Or if I should just let it be and deal with her coming here.
Responsibilities of a POA are financial and Medical. There is nowhere in the document that says you care for them personally or support them financially. You don't need to take him to appts. You can find someone to do it and even pay them. You can place them in a facility. You make sure bills get paid and they get the care they need but you don't need to do that care. Medical, you just carry out Dads wishes.
Perhaps it might help if you do a list of what you do as POA, the time it takes you, and any costs you get paid for. POAs need to keep records of finances, and that might help all your siblings to feel less jealous. Perhaps more details would help other site members give you more helpful details? Yours, Margaret
best to arrange visitations in a public venue sounds about right… your dad having his health issues… ahhh , he needs to go visit outside your home..,
Your sister needs to experience taking care of your dad, even if it is for an hour.. she needs to physically and mentally go through taking care of, maneuvering dad, if it’s by her car, taxi, ur bus… she needs to see and understand, it’s not all fun snd games…
she may need help, dad’s safety comes first…
Is there another sibling who gets along better with her who understands the dictionary meaning and real meaning of CAREgiving.
It sounds like she hasn’t had the privilege of actually caring for your dad by herself yet…
I remember taking my brother to lunch a couple times…
He couldn’t drink his root beer fast enough..
he tried eating his soup with a fork.
He had a rare brain cancer… he literally held his head in his hand’s and started yelling in pain in the restaurant..
by the way… I learned that the brain eith csncer craves sugar a lot more..
arrange a relative to go lunch with her..
maybe do a monthly gathering at a convenient restaurant or park, venue, etc..
open to all who wants to join.. and if dad feels up to it..
DUTCH TREAT!!!
you know that's not true, right? but it's a super common excuse given by non-helping siblings, to dump it all on the helping-sibling. on the contrary, since a POA-child already has a lot to do, the other siblings absolutely should help, too.
of course, no one HAS to help. but it's the right thing to do, to alleviate all the work dumped on the POA.
by the way, if you hadn't been POA, they would have had another excuse for not helping out. if your father didn't live with you, they also would have had another excuse. if your father had been in a facility, all the work would have fallen on you, too (finding a good facility, helping with the move, dealing with any problems that arise at the facility, moving him to a new facility if it turns out the first facility is bad...).
about your sister...
i empathize with you. it's terrible to have a guest in your home, whom you don't want. who only causes stress and trouble.
if at all possible (maybe you already do that), don't be there when she comes. go to another room, so you don't need to deal with her. if your father wants to see your sister, it's not a good idea to cut that completely. if your father is mobile enough to go out, make her take him out for a ride, visit some other place for some hours.
the thing is, when your father moved into your home, you knew you would have to deal with this: your siblings coming to visit him, in YOUR house. i hope your father is mobile enough, that your sister can take him out for a few hours.
It was your father’s decision to select you as the POA and not your sister. It’s sad that she isn’t accepting of this decision.
Birth order doesn’t determine everything. My oldest brother was the least responsible child in our family. Just because your sister is older doesn’t give her special privileges.
It sounds like she is working on your last nerve and I can see why, still if your dad wants to see her he should be able to. Either take dad to meet her at a place of your choosing or allow her to visit with him at your home with stipulations in place.
How does your dad feel about her attitude? If it bothers him, and if it is bothering you a great deal. tell her that she cannot visit if she continues to discuss the subject of you holding POA. Tell her that your primary interest in handling this matter is for your father. Emphasize that you are in no way trying to slight her.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Invite sister to a restaurant, because people are less likely to cause drama in public. A quick lunch also limits your time there with her. "Oops, look where the time has gone, we must get Dad to his next errand." "we are not going right home, so No, you can't meet us at home."
Make it a group family visit outside of your home.
Or, if this will work, have her arrive to take Dad out and drop him off back at home.
If Dad is unable to go out, and has caregivers (strangers) coming in, have her arrive about 40 minutes before his next (treatment), (bath aide), (social worker) appointment. Oh, she can stay, but who would want to? BTW, having strangers coming in to help Dad, makes me think you need to expand your desires to have your privacy/choices about who comes and goes a bit. However, there are still ways to socially engineer and limit visits.
I hear you though, you should not have people in your home that you don't want in your home. If Dad is a renter though, you may need a separate entrance for his guests.
And family coming to financially exploit an elder living in your home requires a strong POA and door-keeper, imo.
There, some ideas for you. Of course, there must be a better way....
Hoping my answer was helpful for you, in some small way.
Why do some people think holding POA is such a fantastic thing when in reality its a burden? 🙄 I've never understood that, personally.
Good luck working out a reasonable solution to this issue.
So you get to say who comes in the door.
Yet - Dad lives there. So he has rights to have the visitors he wants.
How to reach a fair agreement?
I've read extreme cases (in Guardianship files) where this gets nasty. Chaperoned visits is often a solution. The visitor is allowed visitations at agreed times, only when accompanied by a Social Worker.
Obviously that costs time, money & will degrade the relationship further. A.last resort.
I'd be looking to set up an 'unofficial chaperone' situation. Or call it 'social engineering' or employing a peacemaker, a gatekeeper, doorman, door be-arch (whatever term suits you).
Your home, so you set the day & time. No drop-ins allowed for this sister.
Line up a suitable support person to also be present. Another sibling, a friend, neighbour. Someone a little less involved in your dynamic to say "Thanks for coming. I'll show you out. See you again another time".