We just got guardianship of my mother in law. It's been a long and frustrating process. She currently lives with a "friend" about an hour away. He told me today that she is out of cigarettes and since I'm her guardian, I need to be the one purchasing more. She shouldn't be smoking. Not only because it's bad for her, but because her dementia makes her smoking dangerous. I just ignored the request for cigarettes at the moment, but I know I will have to confront him about it eventually. Am I "in the right" to tell him that I will not purchase her cigarettes, legally speaking? Our end goal is to get her into a living facility, but that could take a while. We can't afford one for her and we don't think she can afford one on her disability. Until then, I am a little nervous that he will accuse us of neglect.
You are correct when you say it presents a risk. So does crossing the street. But I am loathe to rob an elder of yet one more thing. I recall when I quit smoking those many decades ago. I was so depressed I honestly wondered if life was worth living without that cigarette with my a.m. coffee. How much closer she must be to that very thought.
The bigger issue is expecting OP to pay for the butts. NO NO NO NO NO, not with her own money. A 3rd party guardian would never be expected to expend their own money to buy things, neither should a family member who is appointed.
The bigger issue is finding another place for her, until they can get her in a facility. A place that has NO smokers, and get her off them.
Is the Guardianship because it was deemed your Mother required someone to make decisions for her? Including *financial* decisions? Including *lifestyle* decisions?
If so, then is her friend considered to be her Caregiver? Is the friend 'employed' as such? How does he currently pay for your Mother's expenses? Eg: groceries, rent, utilities? Does he pay upfront & invoice you (as Guardian) for reimbursement or do you (as Guardian) pay directly to the landlord, store & providers?
Seems the friend had been gifting her cigarettes, but enough is enough & his gift ran out. Fair enough.
Who & how are the groceries bought now?
Obviously it would be better not to be smoking.. But if the cigarettes go into the shopping basket with weekly shop... I would treat it like buying donuts. Wholegrain bread would be better.. sure, but you don't have that level of control.
Is the the act of buying the cigs that you find so unacceptable, or is it the fact that you really can't afford them? It seem to me that if it's mom's vice, then it should be her money that pays for it.
You say that mom only started back up smoking a year ago. Many people quit smoking many times, without permanent damage from withdrawal - my SIL "quit" 3 times, going back each time until the last time when she quit permanently. Her doctor put her on Chantax (spelling?) to help stem the physical symptoms. It really helped her. Maybe you could encourage mom to get on a program to quit, since she did it once before. I know in NYC they'll give smokers anti-withdrawal medications free of charge to help them quit if they can't afford to get them on their own. If mom qualifies, you might want to look into that.
Realistically, if she has funds to pay in the short term, you are probably better off keeping her supplied until you can transition her.
Nicotine withdrawal is not a pretty sight. When this happened with a family member, I observed decreased cognitive function, tremors, and a desperate desire for the cigarettes. Desperate people do desperate things.
If you decide to just cut her off, you should at least have a plan to use any resulting crisis to get her into an ER or police-to-psychiatric environment and then into the system for placement during spend down and on to Medicaid.
As a guardian you are not responsible to give her any money. You stay within what she brings in monthly.
Medicaid will pay for her to be in Long term care. As her guardian you can have her placed.
Buy her cigarettes but, don't buy enough for all her friends.
What will you do if the friend decides that he isn't going to take care of her because she is going through withdrawals and is a bear to deal with? You will be responsible for her and if you can't get her into a facility pronto, what is your plan?
I wouldn't risk losing the best thing you have going for you because you now have the power. It could back fire and you will be so sorry that you now have to take care of her or it is neglect by a guardian and that is no joke.
I don't think you should be worried about 'legal neglect' but about doing what's best for your MIL, and that's not leaving her high and dry with a raging nicotine addiction in force and no idea why she's feeling so poorly and can't have a smoke! Dementia is bad enough without taking away what may be one of her true comforts. If she is on board to quit, at least get her a nicotine patch or an e-cig or something to help ease the horrible withdrawal associated with quitting nicotine cold turkey.
People who love to say ABSOLUTELY NOT to buying an elder their drug of choice must never have had a bad habit themselves that they had a very hard time breaking. Otherwise, that sort of advice would not be handed out so flippantly.
I would imagine your MILs roommate keeps an eye on her to make sure she's using caution when smoking and isn't likely to burn their house down. If it were me, I'd have a chat with the roommate about it, and then buy her some cigarettes or other devices if she's agreeable to quitting.
Good luck.
thank you, Lealonnie for reading this. I always look forward to your posts. Many blessings to you 💓💕
Smoking is a drug addiction, and with any addiction, it's not easy to quit "cold turkey." You may just create a monster if you take them away.
Now don't get me wrong, I have never smoked, and don't like anything about smoking, but I think there comes a point when we as caregivers have to pick our battles wisely. I'm just not sure this is one battle I would chose to fight at this time.
Would you bring an alcoholic liquor? Of course not.
Just last week, a friend of mine who has her MIL living with her had a major fire (luckily in the backyard) at her house. MIL has to go outside to smoke and she simply 'forgot' she was smoking and dropped the cigarette on the lawn. She is a hoarder and my friend was still have panic attacks about what might have been--and what is very much a worry down the road.
Legally, I doubt there is a precedent for refusing to buy her cigarettes.
Technically if you are responsible for her finances as well, and you do have to report to the court where her money is spent and on what to refuse to buy them is financially responsible.
Refusing to buy cigarettes in no way would be considered neglect.
If you have not yet started application for Medicaid begin now, if necessary the lawyer that handled the Guardianship can help.
If her “friend” wants to supply cigarettes that is up to him.