My mother have always been an independent woman and stubborn. Shes in her early stages of dementia, meaning still knows who i am and the rest of family. I really don't want to place her in a facility when the time comes, but i can't quit my job and i know she would't allow someone to come and help her with the house chores. What do you do? Or should i stop worrying about it?
An overwhelmed daughter from North Carolina
Hugs and i hope you find a solution as when they are naturally stubborn this illness will just make it worse! I get they are losing thier independence but when its no longer safe for them to live alone we have to step in whether they like it or not!
Now I am trying to adjust being a bystander, I will take my parents [90's] to doctor appointments and I will order them groceries. But I had to stop doing everything else that they needed, or downsize into something more manageable. I was becoming too exhausted.
One time at few years ago I wanted to give my Mom a gift certificate for a complete house cleaning, OMG my Mom was so offended, they way she acted you'd think I was asking her to walk in the Macy Parade without any clothes on :0 Thus, I won't offer to help my parents with any inside chores or outside chores because I know if I do it once, it will become a weekly thing. I figure it was THEIR choice to keep living in their house, thus they have to take on the responsibility of that choice.
One of those choices should never be for a caregiver to quit his/her job and revolve his/her entire life around caring for an elderly loved one...at least in my opinion.
Begin finding out about some of the resources that are available to pick up the slack on those things you're too worn out to handle . . . a subsidized housekeeper a few times a month (here in Cook County that used to cost mom $28 a month); Meals on Wheels ($5 day suggested donation; free if can't afford to donate); some small stipend that may be available on an annual basis for respite care; locking pill boxes; pre-prepared meals. There's plenty of help out there, but one has to look hard for it. Your local Council on Aging can direct you to plenty of resources.
By knowing in advance what's OUT there, as it becomes necessary, you can just make the arrangements. There will come a time, however, when your mom will be unable to live alone. Dementia is a progressive condition. So check out some assisted living facilities nearby to see what might be available. Get a handle on her financial situation so you know what she can afford -- or if she can't afford anything, begin looking at Medicaid's various programs and what you have to do to get benefit for your mom from it.
Throughout my life, I've found that knowledge is power. Just knowing what you CAN do, what you CAN avail yourself of, may make you more comfortable in the now.
In the meantime, streamline your help all you can. You don't indicate what you're doing for her now, but there are ways that include "running like a chicken with its head cut off" and efficient methods of providing assistance that maximize your time.
I wish you well. And your smart to begin thinking about it, because, as I'm sure you know, her ability to take care of herself will do nothing but degrade.
Hope something here was helpful in giving you peace of mind.