How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Thank you, dear lovingdaughter, Carol, Naus, and others. God's mercies are new every morning, and the battle is his, not mine. I need to rest in that knowledge, and in the comfort he provides. Thank you, dear ladies, for being a part of that comfort.

I woke today energized and hopeful. I will seek legal, medical and police counsel today, and go from there. I have a plan for taking care of everything that I've been wondering about for the past year. I am counting my blessings that the Lord provided a compassionate and encouraging judge, and all my work was not only accepted, but "approved," and commended. Thank you, dear Judge B! And I thank God for providing Heavenly Aide, to help with my Mom.

I think I have the perfect solution to some of the financial questions we've had, and shared it with hubby this morning. He liked my idea, and we'll bounce them off our trusted counselors before enacting.

Mom's allegations of abuse will melt into the distant past, as I can document and counteract everything she claims. I'm thankful for a wise counselor who told me to tape record every conversation. One never knows when it's needed for "their word against ours." I'm "armed and ready." And her past psychological further records will disprove her false allegations. I'm going to take the advice of someone here, and bring that letter along to all Mom's appointments. Each and every time the serpent rears its ugly head, and she wants to spew garbage, I'll have documentation, with both legal and medical backing.

As soon as our "support systems" are all in place, I'm taking my toes to the beach, and burying them for some much needed rest and refreshing. I can face a little more work, knowing I'm not alone, and there is help available for both mom and me. It may be raining outside today, but not "inside." Though the storms rage, my anchor holds. Thank you, friends, for bouying me up!

Still wondering how things are going with lucy and her mom?

Hope you all have a great day.

Sis,
I pray for you and know that everything will work out for you. You are such a good daughter and those around you see this as the truth. So glad that you found a good caregiver agency to help you. Mine is wonderful and I am so blessed. Everyone will see the truth. When your mom makes these statements, she loses her credibility each time. Don't give up. We are here for you.

Thanks, Nauseated, as well as the rest of you. There's so much compassion on this site. I'm proud of you all.
Carol

Dear Sis, Whew!! I am exhausted reading your post LOL. Don't worry, things will work out, because you are rich in faith. Maybe not right now, or even in this life, but in the next, your Mom will know that she was blessed with a wonderful daughter.

Did I miss something? What happened with lucy's mom? I was downstate, and read the posts, but didn't follow the outcome anywhere. Sure hope all's well.

May I share a praise? Just got back from a 400+ mile round trip downstate to Probate Court for the Judge (a gracious female) to allow our 1st account! yeah! yeah! yeah! My husband helped, so he gets a lot of credit, but also got a lot of grief from me in my stressful moments, which were many. He's the perfect gift from above, because he is patient, and doesn't lose his temper. Thank God. Don't want to push it, though. Anyway...this dear judge gave me an "atta girl," and lots of sympathy. And changed venue, meaning I don't have to drive down 400 miles for court anymore. Another, thanks to God.

Now, may I vent? The dear judge also handed me an 8 page letter she received from my mother. It's ugly and accusatory, but also very sad. It proves her incapacitation, paranoia, delusion, anger, bitterness, confusion, etc. Our judge offered me a free copy, so I "won't be surprised," (which was also sent by mom preemptively to the next judge). It was simply awful. I am shocked, but not. I am scared. And I am very very sad. Mom is asking that I not be her guardian anymore. She is telling everyone she doesn't need one. Thank God the Doctor's say she does need one. And she says she doesn't need a conservator anymore, because she had her own checkbook before I took over, and that the only reason they had debt ($100,000.00+ worth) was because my Dad has Alzheimer's. NOT! (Mom thinks she'll regain total control.)

Mom's letter told the judges that I'm abusing her because I won't let her go shopping anymore (I now buy the groceries due to hoarding, etc.). She's been restricted from visiting her husband due to her insensitivity (NPD), and his agitation, and she's mad at me because I said her friend can't take her. And I won't give her winter clothes (it's 90 degrees and summer by my estimation). So that's "abuse." She said I'm breaking the commandments by not "honoring my parents." She told the judge her friend (lady pastor) reported me, so there will be an investigation. (???) Though, my hubby said don't worry...) There's much more...8 pages, but you get the idea. My sister laughed uproariously as I read it aloud, as I still feel mortified, like crying.

So, I am looking forward to Monday. I have an appointment with a heavenly caregiving company, who will transport mom to all appointments (I'll meet her there & accompany her into the doctor's office). They will monitor her medications, and they will document every word, bad behavior, and nuance of attitude she radiates. That takes the pressure off me, and gives me a credible ally. They will accompany her and monitor her visits with her husband (my Dad) and set her limits, redirecting any bad behavior. Sounds too good to be true, but give me hope. I could not continue as things were.

I dealt with her a lot today, because of Chemo Mon, and a follow up shot Tues. and UTI the evening following, the day before I left. I made arrangements for payment in the event she needed a prescription today, and she found a ride with specimen to the clinic today. Phew! She's wearing me out. The more I deal with mom, the more I realize how sick she is. And I'm seeing definite decline, and definite audacity and an aganda to destroy me.

A friend, not knowing today's drama, said she's been praying mom's eyes will be opened to see what a wonderful daughter she has. Not that I don't have faith, but that's a needle with a tiny eye and a huge camel. I put more hope in someone else pinch hitting, and relieving me of some of this monstrous mess. Come on Monday, and meeting with new angel caregivers' helpers!!! Mom and I both so need a break. And I am looking forward so hopefully that this will work out.

Carol, I agree with you, as to liking caregiverslight's posts. And many other dear ones here. We've been blessed to find each other. Thanks, again, for reading my current woes. Hope things are going better for all of you. Take care, and hope you're getting more rest than me tonight.

God bless you and your husband, lucy02, and lay the burden upon your elected official's heart to give this his or her best shot. That would be a start, at least. Hugs across the miles.

caregiverslight, my husband actually called our state representative yesterday to discuss this matter and he said he knew it was a problem. He was an EMT at one time too. My hubby and him are suppose to be getting together to come up with ideas to change the laws in this area. I hope he follows through with that. I don't want anyone else to deal with what we have.

As I read and re-read this post and comments, I am in utter amazement that elected officials in either party could care less about eldercare issues and the convoluted laws that help no one, in particular caregivers such as yourselves who have such difficult situations to deal with with little support. So much talk by lawmakers, and no real help! God bless you all in your daily challenges with caregiving for someone who has a serious mental illness. My heart goes out to each of you. Give yourselves a whole lot of credit for all you have already done and continue to manage daily. It is no small, or easy task!

Dear piratess, you should also get guardianship as well. Conservatorship and Guardianship really do go hand in hand. Because, if you don't have Guardianship, then you do not have a say as to what type of care that she will receive. And you will not be able to discuss her care with the health care professionals. Whoever is given Guardianship will have the last say to medical treatment. Do you have a Medical Power of Attorney, for health care decisions? Good luck to you dear friend, and let us know how it goes. Maybe she could go into an Assisted Living Facility. But with the mental issues, it could make it difficult. Disruptions like those you described could be cause for eviction.

Well when my mom 4 years ago flipped out and was hitting my rental car and the neighbor's car across the street with a stick they called the police, then she decided to give them lip and started fighting them, so the ambulance came and by the time I got there ( I was out reving up the battery in one of my father's old cars) she was handcuffed to the gurney. She went to the hospital for eval...but they only kept her a few hours. Years of her causing countless trouble with the neighbors...all made up paranoia and wanting things her way, my father told me before he died 10 years ago, "You don't know how many times the police have been here over the years". The neighbors have been so tolerant all these years I don't know honestly how they have done it, they are a good bunch of folks!

Oh yes, I knew what you were saying. I was referring to Greenbean's comments that if something was really wrong with Secretsister's mom that the police would have taken her away. That's often not the case. My mom has paranoid schizoaffective with bipolar who had been off her meds for about a week and was having problems before with severe hallucinations and paranoia and was making threats and acting dangerously. She would have had to be physically taken in (and has been before) if the two policeman had not managed to get her into the hospital.

My pleasure, Piratess, and no problem, Carol. It is hard to keep track of names when multiple members are responding.

Lucy02, when I refer to contacting EMS, and sometimes the police for a welfare check on a loved one who may be exhibiting bizzare or erratic conduct, I am not referring to having the person arrested, or treated harshly, by any means. The desired outcome is to have an official report filed based on EMS and/or the officers' attempts to calm the person down and to document whether they perceive and/or assess a need for social services and/or greater medical intervention.

It makes sense to me that police do not wish to be involved in such domestic affairs and may even be at a loss in terms of how to handle with sensitivity and without any show of force or punitive actions. Still, they must be responsive to community calls for assistance and are required to file reports, including nature of call, disposition, handling, and, what all they may have observed, if they are being ethical, that is. It is sad that the healthcare system doesn't willingly step up to the progressive practices of geriatric care and outreach. Still, there are many resources for caregivers to rely on to get that much further down the road in situations that are an accident or disaster waiting to happen. Wishing all who encounter such a challenge in caregiving the very best of outcomes!

I credited SecretSister with the positive note about Caregiverslight's post. While SecretSister has a lot of good posts, the one I meant to point to was by CGL. You all have had such great posts, it's an honor to be a part of this.
Carol

Caregiverslight, you nailed it exactly right on the head!

THANKS so much!!!

Greenbean, I don't think you understand about the police. They don't WANT to get involved especially with an elderly person. It doesn't matter how bad it gets. After the deal last night (which was recorded) they still hesitated. Fortunately Mom is now getting the help she needed, but I can tell you the authorities are not eager to help. Their concern is a possible lawsuit (from what I have been able to determine) not the patient or the family.

Thanks, SS, for the compassionate and informational answer. Yes, there are times when the family caregiver needs to get all of the outside help available, and sometimes that means taking legal action. Mental illness is not something logic, or even love, can handle alone, and subsituting the loss one one's own physical and mental health for the sake of one we want to help, but can't, isn't what caregiving is about.

There comes a time for many when some people can't do it alone. This is certainly one of those times.
Carol

Seems like for your own sanity, you need to start the conservatorship process? I don't know what it all entails, but it sure sounds like you reasonably are at your wits end. Sadly, there are some situations where we simply need to acknowledge that we have done our best, and, are in over our heads.

The only other thing to consider is that for such extreme behaviors, her primary doctor needs to quickly place her on a prescription course of treatment that is strong enough to better neutralize her misplaced energy, up to and including a mildly sedative effect, I would think? You could not possibly go it alone without her being properly medicated. If she is not taking her meds consistently, she clearly poses a danger to herself, and possibly to you. Never hesitate to contact EMS when she starts acting in extremely bizarre ways and will not heed to your care and objective guidance. If EMS gets enough calls and her doctor gets enough EMS and/or hospitalization reports, perhaps her primary care doctor will recognize that her existing medical treatment plan is off course and it is time to look at a Plan B. Don't allow yourself to get lost in this process. It will become all-consuming if you don't put the brakes on it now.

You mentioned conservatorship, and you may be there, even if difficult to accept. There's only one you. Time for you to reclaim your life, health, and, sanity. Your Mom's symptoms are raging out of control from everything you have said. You are not a mental health practitioner.

tacking this link....some of you may find this post interesting..some of you have already found it....simply amazing!

https://www.agingcare.com/135390

Yearight....hugs to you as well g/f!!! BPD is one I have read about as well going across the Cluster B personality disorders. As I have mentioned before I have engrossed myself in this subject once I discovered it. If I find something again on BPD I will post it.
If Greenbean thinks this is something to shrug off, I would love for them to hear what all my mom's neighbors have to say and what they experienced living with her over the years and see if they would like to move in next door. I think not.

Piratess, thank you for sharing that info. My mom has BPD but not Narcissistic. My mom is the Hermit Mother with another whole set of issue's that i wont go into now.
I just want to tell you gal's that i'm praying for peace for you. You are strong, strong, strong. As much as we want others to know our real moms, it probably isn't gonna happen. We know in our hearts that we are doing the right thing by our moms, regardless of what any one else thinks.
And to you Greenbean, are you caring for a parent with BPD? If so please share with us. But if not, please understand that our journey is one you know nothing about, and it is always best to be sensitive when contributing advise in an unknown area.

Secret Sis, aw shucks it was nothing...just copy and paste, it was something I had bookmarked and thought I would share. It is not a well known disorder, many psych's want to discount it. I only follow the ones that don't due to some have had first hand accounts of how bad this can be and how detrimental these folks can be on their offspring (or whomever they can torment - sometimes their spouse - causing them to be co-dependent) during their 'entire' lifetime. They do leave a scar on you.

Dear Piratess, thanks for writing that all out! What insightful words, and an accurate picture of what so many of us are dealing with. You are such a blessing for sharing that. I'm glad you're here for us, too!

Dear Lucy, what a stressful situation for you and your Mom. Thank God you have supportive church friends at times like these. Please let us know how things are going with your Mom, and how you are holding up. Praying for a decent outcome. Take care of you!

Are You Involved With a Narcissistic Person?

by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW

According to the American Psychological Association, people with narcissistic personality disorder display a chronic and pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The Greek myth has it that Narcissus died enraptured by the beauty of his own reflection in a pool and feel forever in love with his own reflection. The Narcissist displays an operating style that involves extreme self-involvement, and a grandiose sense of self- importance. They exaggerate their achievements and talents, expecting others to recognize them as superior and often appearing arrogant and extremely self absorbed.

Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or beauty, they require the constant attention and admiration of those around them, although they are very choosy about the people and institutions they will associate closely with. They often admit to being snobs and are actually proud of it. They also believe that their problems are unique and can be appreciated only by other “special” high - status people. Despite their charm, the favorable first impression they make, and their wide circle of notable acquaintances, people with this disorder are rarely able to maintain a stable, long-term relationship. With their boastful and pretentious manner, narcissistic persons are seldom receptive to the feelings of others. They show a general lack of empathy, an inability or unwillingness to recognize and identify with your thoughts and needs. Many are often successful, impressively knowledgeable, and articulate, yet bored and doubt ridden as well.

Conversely, healthy narcissism is essential for emotional well-being. We need narcissism to feel confident in ourselves, and to give adequate consideration to others. NOTE: The healthy narcissist does not focus exclusively on themselves, demanding that the world reflect back their false manufactured sense of self and an image of idealized perfection.

If you encounter this personality type, a grasp of the underlying psychology can help you cope more effectively. Lets explore the genesis of the narcissistic personality. As stated above, people with this personality disorder must constantly seek outside support and approval. If they get that support and approval, they feel complete and powerful. Without that support and approval, they feel deprived, exposed, vulnerable, angry, and lonely.

KEY: Early childhood conditioning also plays a part. The child’s real or authentic self has generally been ignored, or the child’s self may have been attacked and assaulted while the parents placed demands on the child to be “perfect.” When that occurs, the type of behavior we associate with a narcissistic disorder is overindulged. Fiercely driven to achieve, children never develop the capacity to consider others’ needs. Enter adulthood, and the same traits naturally carry over.

What To Watch Out For

Most people with this disorder advertise themselves… They seek to be the center of attention. In search of constant approval and praise to reinforce their false grandiose sense of self, they’re “on- stage,” dominating the conversation, often exaggerating their importance.

They lack empathy for others and have an inflated sense of entitlement, requiring others to respond to their demands and grant favors. They need everything for themselves and are envious of others’ accomplishments and possessions.

Criticism or disapproval takes them back to their difficult childhoods, sending them into a defensive fury, since any flaw or mistake means they’re not perfect. Also, when things go wrong, they cannot acknowledge the imperfections implicit in accepting responsibility.

Appearance matters more than substance. Power, wealth and beauty bolster their fragmented self-image.

They may be extremely driven because the “narcissistic fuel” of outside approval is so essential. Many are workaholics. Warning: this personality disorder may not be immediately obvious. The subtle ones won’t show their true colors until “deprived.” Caution: Others may actually pursue and cater to you, if you have something they want, such as looks, money, or status.

Can you change them? Reality check: No. Even constructive criticism is experienced by them as an affront and is met with anger and a sense of betrayal. Placating only results in more demands, not a return of thoughtfulness and consideration. In fact, if you always excuse or rationalize self-absorption and give in to constant demands, you are actually supporting and reinforcing their narcissistic needs and wants.

Coping Tips

Here are some tips on how to cope with the person in your life who processes the narcissistic style. Sometimes the best way to deal with extreme narcissistic behavior is to end the relationship. But since this solution isn’t always possible, I can only offer you some survival techniques…

It is important to set boundaries. Decide which demands you can meet or how much approval you’re willing to give to this person, and then stick to your decision. Also, terminate a self-centered conversation if you can, or at least set a time limit on how long you’ll listen.

Support yourself. If your resistance to them draws their anger or blame, refuse to be emotionally blackmailed. Remember that your time and feelings are not important in this person’s eyes. This can help remove your guilt.

Use bargaining chips. If you have something they want, such as a special expertise or solutions to problems—share it sparingly to keep their worst behavior under control. Be aware that when you no longer satisfy them, their old ways will resurface.

Avoid anger. Any confrontation should be conducted quietly and with control. But even a tactful approach may be greeted with anger or sometimes-frightening rage. Very likely, you’ll hear that the difficult situation is your problem and there’s something wrong with you. Arguing will only make you feel like you will want to blow your brains out. Be careful not to expect accommodation from the other person, but do give yourself points for standing up for your rights.

Finally, know when to leave. Dealing with this personality disorder can undermine your own sense of self. Ask yourself some questions…Do I continually feel depressed, irritable, devalued and worthless? Does my anger and resentment carry over into other relationships? Have I stopped supporting myself in general, not treating myself well or allowing others to coerce me? Bottom line: If you find yourself answering yes too frequently, you must examine the pay-off or importance of your relationship with this person.

Loving Daughter, thanks to you and Secret Sis for your back. You know we don't plan for what parents we get, and all children want to please their parents even if they are the bad ones, especially for the bad ones, because they never really seem to ever be pleased. It's a difficult road to take when you are tossed this in life, to take care of one who is not right in their mind any longer and try to do the best for them. But sometimes you have to take a tough road if it's the best for all situations around. I am trying not to take the worst road, I am trying to keep some normalcy for both her and myself. Folks who have not been in our shoes cannot possibly know the tips and turns, it's almost like a rollercoaster ride. You never know what is around the next bend.

Piratess,

Agree, agree , agree, walk in my shoes. We never know what it is like for the other caregivers and being here to support each other means the world to me. Some of us should take a step back and put ourselves in the other person's shoes before we pass judgment. I am so glad that so many of us support and don't look for the negative. Thanks for being here for us. You are appreciated.
Linda

Hi Secret Sis, Oh no that won't ruffle my feathers, but folks with big mouths who don't know the situation or have lived through the situation always want to open their mouths to make themselves feel superior. I had the same problem with my cousin's girlfriend wanting to have a big mouth in the scenario. All she did was to call APS and make it worse, in the meantime during all that has happened she has not raised her ugly head or mouth in the situation. That's how those folks work, like to interject but know nothing cause more drama and leave more damage. Another roundabout abuser but in a different sense. Believe me I have been researching psychology for a long time, ever since High School, trying to understand my parents, so I have read up on all kinds of personality traits, including the ones that like to have a big mouth and nothing behind it! It makes them feel big and have power over others to make themselves who are really small inside feel big. What I am trying to do for my mother is give her a chance at living at home, I could have placed her, I had a lot of backing, but no I HAD EMPATHY, and wanted to give her the chance at living at home. So folks who don't know what it is all about at close range have nothing to say to me!

Secret Sis, Lucy and Loving Daughter....all hugs all around!!!!!!!!!!!! We need to stay brave and strong!

Dear Piratess, some people don't get it. Neglect is not something those who care are willing to do, and some realize incapacitation. So take care of you. I'm praying for you and your Mom. I was going to respond to the above, but didn't. Don't let those who don't know ruffle your feathers.

Green Bean you are way out of line, you don't know the circumstances. She has been in a pysch ward for 72 hour watch and has been 4 years ago under a psych watch and for years the police have come to the house. Now her problem is enhanced with dementia. She cannot take very good care of herself. Her psychaitrist and many others have already said to place her so who the H##L are you to say anything. Please butt out if you are no help to the situation. I have already expressed to her what the situation is, take meds be good or else. Do you fancy the idea of a crazy commotion going on in the neighborhood forever? If you cannot walk in someone's shoes then you need to shut it!

Perhaps she just wants you to leave her alone.
If she is devious and as smart as you say, if she can move furniture and vacuum and do all the other things. Then perhaps
she is reacting to you taking over her life.

You say she steps out of line one more time and she is "gone" well who are you to say she has stepped out of line? Maybe she is quirky, mean, old but it is her house and her life. Just leave her alone if you can and let the hospital / ER deal with her next time.

You say your mother has Narc Pers Disorder... well that is not a diagnosis that deserves having a guardian or losing your home.

You say she pulls stunts that have the neighbors calling the police... I don't know what these stunts are but again,,, why if she needs so much care are the police not turning her over to social services?

Maybe you should just be very clear with her that SHE is responsible for what happens to her. That you will no longer run after her or interfere in her life.

I have no idea how old your mother is but being a Narcissist (sp?) and nutty is no reason to have your daughter take over your life and/or your home.

Bless you Secretsister. We are all here for each other and it makes the days and nights easier. I cried last night when I read about some of the stories about parents passing on. It was so emotional and brought back the feelings of my own loss. Right now dealing with my mom is easier knowing you and the others are all out there just a click away. Hope today is better and remember that we are there for you.
Linda