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My mom's caregiver would take her shopping for 5 hours one day a week. I put a stop to that when she came home one day, breathless, and said that she had to go pick up her daughter and by the way, mom needs a shower. I don't pay her to take the day and shop for herself and use my mom as an excuse. Never took her out again. Just fired her last Sunday and it felt soooooo good. Mom is so mad at me, she asked for her tranqs. Would not give them to her. I told her it was the caregiver or me!!!!! Guess who won that one???
Piratess For the garden--- Can you put drip hoses on a timer? Works great for me. This way I don't have to remember and it really uses less water! When we move I will morn for my garden, but I will have the chance to start a new one. Will take some of my dear friends with me and plant them at the new house.

Sad news. One of my dearest friends is transferring to the West coast. She is my gardening buddy. So I guess moving won't be so bad since she is leaving anyway. This way, I will in the same development as my best friend, but I will miss my gardening buddy!!!!!!
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Oh by the way the comments you gals made on gardening..I found myself doing the same thing. Avid gardner. My parents enjoyed gardening, but since my mom's decline she has stopped even watering the lawns (she had a whole story why she couldn't water the back). I have been trying to rejuvenate them, with the heat in CA it's tough, so they look semi yellow now...since I am not there during the week it won't get watered. I have tried to tell her to water, but I think it did not do any good. I tried to tell her not to go joy-riding around with her caregiver and make her do some work. Yesterday from what I understand they were at the beach for 3 hours...well that was 60 bucks for nothing for that lady to do and sit on her ass. If she does not knock that crap off she will be gone and I will get another caregiver.
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I think that my husband has adult onset of ADD. He asks me the same questions over and over. Had a brain scan, found one; it is normal. So, I wish he had a little OCD to be neater and more organized. I guess we can't put in an order and make our spouses just the way we want them. However, my revenge--- I throw his old clothes out when he is not home. He never even notices. Next, the pile of magazines. Today is our 38th wedding anniversary, so I guess I have to be nice to him today. I do really love him, just wish he was neater!!!!!!
Secret Sister, hang in there. So glad that you are here for us all.
Linda
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The whispers and stares are the worst. I don't plan to give anything away, cept junk. We're talking nice stuff, here. And I have a sale every year. Sometime make $500+ to $1,000.00 on them. Probably not thaaaaaaaat much on this one, though. But as long as the volumn goes away. I'll donate to church, and to our very nice resale shop, and get rid of what doesn't walk away tomorrow. Or...wait till the next big sale day. May even have an auctioneer come in for the pricey items and good furnishings. But that's down the road. Tomorrow, just boxes full. Hubby's picking up a table for me as I type. Got a roast in the crock pot, and he's bringing some deli fixings from afar on his way home from work. Can't wait to see my men (big and small one). And they're helping me with the sale tomorrow, as well. The big guy can handle the guy stuff, and the little guy the lemonade. Kinda cute, huh?

But, if Mom shows up, I'm shutting the garage door. She'd freak if she saw what I'm selling. (Her precious treasures...) Can't take em with her, though, and her apartment won't hold them. Anyway, if she shows up, and gets mad. What difference? She's mad all the time, anyway...

How about some friend volunteers to help you clean? Surely someone wants to be a blessing to you!

Chat later. Hope you all are blessed this weekend! :) Take care
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Oh yeah, don't let her catch you getting rid of her hoard. I guess my mom has not noticed too much on the stuff I have been getting rid of. I have been getting rid of stuff her eyes are not on, such as apparent stuff you see right away. Oh yeah and the whispers and yackty yack a small town can do does not add to solve the situation. I hope you get folks to come, here no one wants to pay any money for anything so you end up giving it away in the end. You have a bigger house than I too clean - good luck. I have only me to clean out my mom's and it is going to be a big job over time. I even need a dumpster for the crap they kept in the garage and behind the garage..silly crap that should have been tossed eons ago. My father used to always say to me he wanted me to come home and help clean the garage and I always said sure but he never set up a time frame to do it. I wish he had, a lot would have been gone now...or maybe not?
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I hear you on the "crapola," with a capitol C! Having a yard sale tomorrow, to get rid of Mom and Dad's hoarding. Nice stuff, still in the package. Treasures, cheap, come one, come all! LOL

That's just the beginning. Still have huge house, 2 attics, basement, 5 bedrooms, umpteen closets, and tons of cupboards to go...along with antiques, ad nauseum. Should finance something special after all that hard work. It's called: compensation. Yee ha! And I get pretty geeked about the social aspect with our yard sale underground regulars! My one prayer is that my Mom doesn't show up for the sale. This is too small a town for a circus freak show or confrontation.
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Well my mom was always clean and neat but with the underpinnings I know see with hoarding, everything is stashed away in closets and drawers, way too much crapola. Slowly every Saturday stuff is going to be taken to the Goodwill or Salvation army. Whenever you would buy either of my parents a gift they just put it away, what a waste of my effort all these years trying to please, just to have it stuffed away. My mom has been playing around with a container filled with cassettes, she doesn't even listen to music, cassettes, radio, dvd's, VHS tapes, cd's, nor the tv now, what the infatuation is with the cassettes I don't know, seems she's looking for busy work since she's bored, but never wanted to go to Adult Day care. Oh well I will let her do what she wants and try not to get so agitated, after all it is a sick mind I (we) are dealing with.
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I find my Mom can be very repetitive. Her symptoms are increasing. For instance, she's undergoing Chemotherapy for Breast Cancer, and lost her hair. The last car ride elicited, must have been 200 times of touching her hair, readjusting that ugly wig, over and over and over. I tried to ignore, but it was beginning to irritate me, seeing it out of the corner of my eye. That's only one example. We won't even talk about her closets and drawers. If only I could be that neat. Hanger spacing, anyone? LOL
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Girls its amazing how similiar our stories are. I felt just as alone as you were during the 4 weeks I was off taking care of her after her trip to the psych unit. It was tought trying to convince anybody on how bad she can be. But for now the meds she has started on 4 weeks ago seem to help, no more tirades (a couple of weeks ago she started one up, but I got it under control). I have a couple of her meds jotted down. There is one more, here are the two that I have, please note they are the generic names:

DIVALPROEX 250 MG TAB 1 TAB 2 X A DAY
RISPERIDONE 1 MG TAB 1 TAB 2 X A DAY

My mom's next psychiatrist appointment is next Wed, that will be interesting.

Lately she likes to make more and more little messes. If you do something, rearrange something, clean something, she has to be right after it. I told the Homecare worker about this and she did the same thing to her. She had her clean the front window and the next day my mom said she re-washed it, and yesterday the Homecare worker even noticed it and said she scolded her for doing it. I said I did the same things to the things I did, but it really goes on def ears, they do what they want to do.
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Thanks for the oft-needed reminder, Piratess. Even though it is them, it does affect us. Hope your day is going well! :)
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You are a major blessing, lovingdaughter, thank you! :)

It all started in the garden, and he walks and talks with us, there.
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Lucy, I taped one of my mother's tirades shortly after I became her caregiver after my dad died 10 years ago. Her NPD was in full swing then, over time on that recording I did check back in with myself after a 5 year period and then more after that. A couple of months ago when I think a mini-stroke made it all worse I taped more tirades, they are a good source for a mental check to let you know it is them, and NOT YOU that is whack!
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My garden is one of my best friends. When we move, we are digging up my prized hydrangeas, grasses, lillys and hostas. They keep me happy and I could never leave them behind. A little nutty sounding, but it is true. Mom feels the same way, so we have gardening in common. We even have raised planters for her to tend in her wheelchair. Get in touch with your self and you will see how many thins you have to look forward to. Good luck and remember, we area all here for you.
Linda
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secretsister, mom is still here right now. The geri/psych unit is sending someone to pick her up. I just hope and pray she will go. They have told me I need to get her in a personal care facility as they can only keep her 6 more days (after the 14 days they just kept her) due to medicare. I guess I will be trying to arrange that while she is in the hospital. I am so upset about this. I want to take care of her but she just won't let me. The doctor seems to think its something in the "environment" here that's causing the problem. I just don't know what it could be. Other than maybe she just hates me. She's been crying alot this morning and it just breaks me heart.
I've heard that gardening is very therapeutic. I know that I visit a depression forum (cause I suffer from that) and several of them do it. They say it works better than meds. I have several hobbies to keep me busy. I like to paint. I'm not very good but its so relaxing.
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lovingdaughter, Thanks for the support. My husband says he will put it on the computer so we'll have it when we need it. Hate doing that to her but I don't see any other way at the moment.
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PS, lovingdaughter, can relate to "nasty." Thanks for the "back up" tip! Take care, and sending cyber hugs! :)
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I'm thinking your tape recorder is a good idea! Wow, so sorry you have to go through all this. How blessed your Mom is to have you for a daughter, who is looking after her needs.

I find it strange that they can sometimes turn on and turn off the "weirdness." No wonder others don't believe us. How can a person so demented "control" it at times?

So, do you just drive Mom to the psych unit? Doesn't a Physician, or ER have to do an admit?

Thanks for writing. Take care of you! Are you doing anything special for yourself today, now that Mom's away? I know that writing helps, and there needs to be some "down time," for recovery. I recently discovered my long neglected passion for gardening. It may be only a couple of minutes here and there, but I dream of the "big garden project" while I'm doing it. Sigh. A couple of weeks ago, I hacked back some wildly overgrown bushes in front yard, imagining the neighbors would consider me crazy. It was wonderfully therapeutic! My husband even joined me. LOL Now we have some bright green growth returning, and it looks great. Wonder what I'll hack up next...
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lucy,
Good for you. My MIL was a nasty woman who could put on such an act. It took my SIL years to catch on. I would not even let her near our daughter without supervision. Didn't want her to influence our little girl in any way. Good thing we did. My niece, who lived with her grandmother and parents, still has lasting effects due to her grandmother. Sometimes, they can be very crafty. Get the evidence!! Make back up copies!!
Linda
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Mom started drifting off into her own little world, talking with the voices, even though she was taking her meds. The lady in charge of admitting patients told me should not be hearing voices at all while on meds. Of course when we got there she started acting better. She told them she wasn't hearing voices but then when I visited she would tell me about what she was hearing. She put up a good act. She's worse than before now. Outside of the family and a few neighbors I don't think they believe me. They think its just normal aging confusion. She's behind me now telling our little dog that we're trying to kill him and for him to just tell her if we try to hurt him. Definitely not normal.
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Hello dear old friend! Just wish we chatting over a cup of coffee.

This is new area for me. I figured Dementia, and anticipated Alzheimer's one day. But it's only been a couple months since hearing of a Personality Disorder diagnosis. I'm still in shock hearing it! In the meantime, I am inundated with Mom's incessant unrealistic demands and ongoing drama!

You're right, there is much more than dementia going on... It's worse than taking a tiger by the tail, isn't it? So, how did your Mom end up in the psych unit?

I find myself wishing mine heard voices, so I had a legitimate excuse for "evaluation." (Plain old "weird" doesn't get a lot of attention from outsiders.) They simply don't see what we are seeing, or know what we know about the situation.

I agree with you, lucy, it does help to know we're not alone. Praying your rest is blessed. Perhaps you'll sleep better tonight?
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Thank you secretsister. I did get a little sleep. Mom was admitted to the geri/psych unit because she was still hearing voices. She was still taking her meds and the lady that I talked to told me she should not be if she was on her meds. She normally does well when taking her meds but not anymore. She has been crying all morning and still refusing her meds.
You mentioned your mom accused you of abuse. Well that's another thing we have in common. She accused my husband of beating her to her Sunday School class and caused a big uproar in church. She's accused me of putting her in the hospital to take her money and buy drugs. They think she's just a sweet little confused lady with dementia. After we got home from the hospital we went to the pharmacy and the sweet little old lady told me that if I didn't do what she told me to do she would run off from me. There's much more than dementia going on here.
I am so sorry for all you're going though SecretSister but it sure helps me to know that I'm not alone. Our situations seem so similar its like talking to an old friend.
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Dear lucy02, thank you for your post. Reading your story puts mine in perspective. What a Caregiving angel you must be! My heart goes out to you and your husband. I can't help thinking how all that stress could be especially hard on someone going through Cancer, which is difficult in itself. How can you do it; (particularly when you're up all night with her)? And what qualifies for placement in a geri/psych unit?

My Dad went to one by way of ER, but he was no angel. And neither is my Mom. She's never been accused of that!!! But she does stir up the compassion and sympathies of others. I am using a tiny digital recorder, and have a year's worth of her insane rantings saved on my computer. It makes me ill to even think of replaying them, but keep them "just in case." Many health professionals have told me I don't need to record her, but they really don't understand. Mostly I do it for my own protection, because she's accused me of abuse, and without those recordings, it would be my word against hers. My own sister was doubtful of my recent reports, until Mom hit her in the face, knocking off her glasses. Now my sister is a bit more understanding of me. (She tells me often of the horrors of our childhood.) I strangely have "forgotten" most of that, but not it's lingering effects.

I can sure relate to your Mom's doc not believing her episodes are "that bad." It amazes me how they can fool others (including professionals)! When people dismiss my observations, I tell them to come home with us, and see for themselves. No one has ever taken us up on the offer.

My husband reminded me this morning that this won't last forever, but it may feel like it. I sat, tired, thankful for his attempts to comfort me, but ready to fight the tears and fatigue I feel, after dealing with Mom's latest tirades. Those who haven't experienced it, just don't understand the seriousness of its effects on those who have. I know you do, lucy, and my heart goes out to you.

I asked my sister if Mom could come visit her, and she said, "No, I have a headache that day." Nine hours distance suits her well. But I'm the Guardian/Caregiver, and am starting to assess our options. This is more difficult than I could have imagined! I don't want pity, or "coping mechanisms," but real solutions. (Am I dreaming?) I know drugs can be right for some people, but I'm also seeing where they can backfire, too. My Mom is beginning to refuse going to doctor appointments.

Lucy02, thank you for your reply and tender response. Sending hugs prayer your way. And hope you've gotten some rest. Take care!
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I can sure relate to this. My mom has paranoid schizoid affective and bipolar. Plus they think she has some dementia. She's 82 and her meds don't seem to be working at all. I am up all night with her tonight. She won't go to bed and I can't leave her alone. Plus my husband has cancer and she is really stressing him out now. I put her in the hospital (geriatric/psych unit) for 2 weeks . She acts like an angel except for one or two small episodes. Then as soon as we get to the car to take her home the nightmare starts again. People think its just a little old lady with dementia. Its not. Shes shrewd, calculating, and manipulative. Now she's refusing her meds..all of them and slapping me when I try to give them to her. She's gotten pretty combative. I bought a tape recorder today and I'm taping some of her episodes cause I don't think the doc believed they were this bad.
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Hello Piratess, I just now read your post. Missed the notification. Court stuff is the worst! It complicates life 100-fold. But so does dealing with the medical profession, at times.

In our case, Dad's Physician had been treating him for Alzheimer's for some time, so wrote a letter to Probate saying he needed a Guardian. When a doctor says it, that's acceptable testimony.

I should be sleeping, but battling major Momster issues. I hate nights like this. It's been such a long road...
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Secret Sis, I did speak with an attorney about this, it seems very messy, but he said in my case with all her incidences it would be easy to prove to the court she is not all there. It's just that she get's assigned a court attorney and have to drag her there and all that mess, but if she becomes incoherent again? Right now playing it by ear. There is much more other attorney stuff I have to look into again due what a co-worker told me yesterday....friggin ridiculous what we have to go through when you have idiots for parents, but they thought they were so much smarter than you....NOT!
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Piratess,

Thanks for the heads up! And the web info. I think I'll check that out, in my spare time, of coarse! LOL I did some Googling, and pretty much think NPD resonates regarding my Mom's symptoms, as well. It's a rough read, though, and large doses seem to be toxic to my spirit, so I don't like to spend too much time there. Do you know what I mean?

My sister and I have hashed this so many times, that instead of comfort, sometimes it seems as if our constant talking about Mom just adds fuel to my anger fire. The only positive thing talking about it does, is remind me of the "reality" of Mom's problem when I am second guessing myself or doubting my suspicions. (Which is a little too often for my taste.)

I read the book, "I'm OK, You're OK," and never got it, because I really wasn't OK. Living with a whacked out Mom with a mental illness wasn't conducive to anyone's mental health. Without a good guide, I basically raised myself, and none too well. I made a lot of costly mistakes, and suffered for it. I'm so thankful for my healing, deliverance from addictions, and now have a good husband, and home of my own! I hate the pain of the past, and am ashamed of some of my foibles, but it's only by the grace of God that I have been set free from some of that ugliness. (Still have that Mom, though...) Forgiveness is the only answer. And sometimes it's seventy times seven. And I try to be a little gentler with myself, than Mom knew how to be. Sad for a kid to have to grow up like that! < sigh >

I hope you don't have to do the Conservatorship thing, but if you do, I hope your situation is easier than mine. It is a lot of very time-consuming, life-draining work to satisfy the Probate. Highly recommend avoidance if at all possible, as was told me by a very nice Attorney. But, POA doesn't always work, so I bit the bullet. The first year is the hardest, but if you need any help, I can walk you through the worst of it. PS, talk to me first before hiring an Attorney to help you with it.

Hope you have a good night. I have computer issues to address. Will chat with you as able. Thanks for writing. Boy, chatting with you has lifted my spirits. Thank you.
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Secret Sis...wow the same mess 10 years same as me. I have not done the Conservatorship yet, that is worst case next scenario. I was going to join a NAMI group but never got around to it, since I came back to work this week after being on Family Leave for 4 weeks. I figured out by myself only recently that my mom had NPD all those years. I happen to stumble upon it around Memorial day and read everything I could on the internet. The best spots where people's blog's themselves...seems the psych community either does not get it or does so I have learned to be leary of folks who want to discount NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder).
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You tell my story, too, Piratess. The back seat driving, and the hoarding. I figured it was Dementia, but they say, no, PD. My sister and I always "said" she was crazy, but didn't realize how right we were. Having an actual diagnosis, at least, makes my suspicions concrete. But I don't have a "type" of PD to pin any blame to. Just a not-so-nice Mom. Here, I've been trying to please a monster. (Or as someone on this site said, "Momster.")

I have to clean out a huge mess in their home 200 miles away. Some days I wish (not really) Mom were in a Psych Ward. (I don't wish ill on her) but dream of relief for me. It's been a long road. Avoidance worked well for the last 10 years. Was I crazy to "volunteer" for Guardianship and Conservatorship? (I figured the sky was falling...) Some days it feels like I am. But, I've survived this long. Figure God gave me brains for a reason.

Just called today, and found a real live contact for a Family Support Group nearby. They emailed me back, and I'll go from there... Thanks for writing.

You hang in there, and keep posting, and I will too. Be good to yourself.
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Well Secret Sis, yep we have the same woes. My mom before she started the meds would have back seat driver comments, sometimes nasty and unwarranted if someone cut you off or something that usually happens in traffic. She had a big mouth back seat driving for someone who was too wacked out to ever drive a car. She had my dad or me as taxi's. Since she has been on the meds her negativity and some of her paranoia has gone down. I will have to get the meds names for you. Yep it took for my mom to cause some incident after being a psycho to the neighborhood all these years for her to finally be prescribed some meds. My father who was obviously co-dependent to her will never took her, but then again if someone refuses to recognize there is something wrong with them there is no help. After this last incident she would play dumb on how she ended up in the hospital and psych ward, she admitted to a social worker last week, that yes she caused trouble on the street. She was found whining on neighbor's porches with some crazy story she had made up that she could not get ahold of me due to the neighbor across the street ( oh whom she hated shortly after moving in) had me jailed....yeah right....I had taken my answer machine off due to her craziness was driving me crazy for about 2 months prior and could not take the crazy story she had made up about my dad's car's insurances (in which I just took over both cars finally DMV/INSURANCE - but she could not stand that thought in her twisted materialistic mind). She kept stating I did not do it right...all it takes these days is a quick phone call and it is done, she could not accept that...she wanted some crazy part in it...again the materialism which she always had. Never knew how bad her hoarding was recently until I found gazillions of bars of soap. I have so much cleaning out to do. My parents left me a mess in more than one case. Yet they always dumped on me...what hypocrites!
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Piretess,

Wow! You should see the cold sore I have right now!!!

But I won't blame Mom, totally. I was months delinquent on a Court document, and it totally stressed me out. The cold sore is the largest whammy ever!

That behind me, I am trying to take back control of my life. Slowly. As Mom's only nearby relative, besides a Dad with Alzheimer's in a Nursing Home, I am her Caregiver. She's a piece of work, though. And I do stress out just thinking about visiting her. I saw her almost every day last week. So tired, and her doctor put me in charge of her medications. So it was a forced visit once a week. She whined and complained so much, and I was so glad to relieve myself of the awful burden, that I gave them back to her. But she needed a ride to Chemo this week. And a ride to see her new Psychiatrist yesterday. That was a nightmare!!!!! (Ever feel like jumping from a moving vehicle you're driving???) It was UGLY! Last night, I was questioning my own sanity. I kept going to this site for relief, but it wasn't coming.

Thankfully, my peace is restored today. Time and distance helps.

Today, my "compassion mode" kicked back in, and I realize she's sicker than sick. Too bad it makes me sick to be around her. She depends on me for money, rides, etc. So sad!

By the grace of God, I will survive this. Sometimes my boundaries slip. And old habits enter in. And my feelings get mangled by her manipulations and mental illness. I'm back on top, again.

Think I'll take my husband along for the next visit. She needs help. Don't know what the answer is, but something has to change. This is "somewhat" new territory for us, in that she was only recently diagnosed with having a "Probable Personality Disorder." Yesterday was supposed to be a follow up on a Psychiatric referral. Silly me, I missed it! Now we have to wait...till the next catastrophe.

Yeah, I had controlling parents. Sad thing is, something's controlling them, too. Either mental illness, dementia, or ??? But I don't want it controlling me. Life is better since I because free of living in "survival mode" with her. My husband is good, calm, and steady. And then there's all the other positives in my life. It's not perfect, but I don't live in constant torment.

Can't imaging what people with that condition experience. It must be hell for them. Being around it can be hell for us.

Thank God for sites like this to vent. Thanks for reading my woes. Take care of you!
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