How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Sis, you are right. you are our secret sister. You were in a different home being reared by the same parents. I bet you spent your life knowing that you were not pretty enough. you were not smart enough. No matter what your husband told you. no matter what your grades, degrees, or accomplishments. No matter who else was thrilled by your writing, art, gardening,cooking, manners, or other traits and skills, you knew they were just being nice. The one person we have spent our lives trying to please thinks we are nothing. We get mad at them, and yet we still want to get the motherly love that was never there for us. We have a big hole that can not be filled because they did not want that role.
You have done more than I would have had the spirit to endure.
Please try to not care so much. It is so easy to say, and so hard to do. I realize that my liFe is closer to over than I want it to be, and this is not how I deserve to spend my later years. It is a shame we do not all live close enough together to just swap parent obligations. We have been brainwashed. We have been tortured. The CIA should take lessons from these people. It was always the carrot and the stick, The carrot being the love and respect that they never had any intention of giving. (or, as I am starting see, never had the ability to give.) It is difficult to be so close to 50 and realizing that I have been held captive for all of these years. To just be waking up to the idea that I can have an opinion, that I can be me, not mini them,...To be almost 50 and just now, be having teenage pangs of needing my freedom is strange. I am just so thankful that our votes are private or I would have been drawn and quarterd by her acerbic tongue decades ago. And the hardest part is realizing, that because my father was SO MUCH worse, I worshiped my mother as a saint. I was a failure because I was pitiful. That was not her doing but mine. She was justified in her disinterest. It took years of meeting people and being away from her daily pruning that I realized it could, possibly, be her. I might be okay. I might be not so bad. perhaps, I am worthy of the respect and love that my husband and son give to me. To be told by her that they are suffering because they have to live with me, that hurts.
But knowing that others out there have dealt with this too. That helps. To know that medical science even has terms and titles for this behavior, that helps. If it were not for this site, I honestly do not know where I would be right now. My husband has mentioned how much I have grown, just by having you all to read and get comfort from. I thank all of you.

Secret sister,I hope the care giver that you get is as wonderful as the one we have. My impossibly mean father will listen to her and do what she requests. He seems to know that if he bullies her or verbally or physically abuses HER, he goes to jail or loses his care. He seems to know what crosses the line. He owns us, he rents her.

Take care of you. The prayers that you say for us are being felt. Little things that mean so much. You have helped me. I appreciate you sharing your frustrations because i do not feel so alone. I do not feel like such a freek. You grumble and gripe as much as you need to. Vent or explode. We are here for you.
Jan
Ps Please excuse all of the glaring mispellings. I am dyslexic and when I have sinus problems...everything looks right and wrong all at the same time.

Sis, good luck with you meeting, and praying for some relief for you. Be easy on yourself okay? Take care friend

Dear Linda, what a blessing you are, and such an encouragement. Perhaps you're right about underrating myself. It's new to be my parent's caretakers, and I had no idea how difficult it would be. The learning curve is huge! I'm so thankful for your input, and support. Thank God for perseverance, especially when dealing with someone else's mental incapacity.

I am looking for direction in caring for my mom. I know I don't have all the answers, and will be meeting with someone today, who seems to have some experience and a good grasp on this situation. Her emotions won't get in the way, and she'll probably be a little more objective. I am so hopeful, and we are so needy. This is beyond my abilities, so I'm looking for answers, and a team of professionals to guide us. What a process.

Thanks for listening, and if I may ask, please say a prayer for us today. Thank you so very much, Linda. Hope your day is a good one!

Sis,
You grossly underrate yourself!!!!!! You are VERY SPECIAL!! I would never have the lasting power that you have exhibited. You are not becoming your mother, but she has rather taught you through need to be a strong person. If she were different, where would you have needed to find such strength? I believe that adversity brings strength of character, and you, Sis, are strong of faith, love and character. I am glad to know you!!!!!
Linda

Secretsis, you are too a wonderful daughter! Any normal person would get mad, frustrated and ticked off. I take an antidepressant everyday that helps me deal with it, but I still get mad, frustrated, and ticked off. Like you, I love my mom dearly but we're only human.

Dear Linda, I am reading your response, once again. You are the second one to say reading my posts is overwhelming. I think that's because I write from my perspective of feeling that way. It is overwhelming to my emotions to deal with mom. I asked my hubby why I feel so confused, and his answer was that she raised me that way. I didn't ask, but thought, I wonder how to get past that?

In reading your question, about how I get through the day, I don't think I have any strength of character, but just a will to survive. I think I gain strength, from the support I get from people like you, who understand, and show compassion. Love and compassion are powerful in terms of healing, and motivational, as well. And I have some wonderful friends who listen to me whine about my mom, and love me anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming mom, because she has been so pervasive in my thoughts, and taken so much of my physical and mental energy lately. Like complaining about mama's drama has become my full time occupation.

Believe me, I'm not a wonderful daughter. I get mad, frustrated, and ticked off at her. Why can't I just be sweet, regardless of her attitude? It's like her bitter spirit breeds the same in me, and makes me feel ill. Thank God I don't feel that way toward others. No one can get under my skin like she does. I wonder how she got so much power over me? And how do I extricate myself from it? Fortunately, a day or a couple of days away from her make heaps of differences in my attitude and outlook.

I am looking forward to my meeting tomorrow morning, with an "angelic" home care company, and finding out if they can help relieve me of some of the caregiving burden. I just want to regain back my own life and peace. Just a few hours of sleep, and then I'll know more, and I am so hopeful. For my own emotional health, and for the sake of my family, we need to see some changes, and since mom is seemingly unwilling or incapable, I am praying that this is an answer to our needs.

Hope things are going well with all of you. Seems weekends are quite around these boards, for some reason. I wonder why that is? Hope it's because you have had peaceful weekends, and few troubles. Take care, all. Hope the coming week is good for you, too.

Linda, thanks for writing. You are an encourager!

Dear Linda, thank you. I will take your assessment to heart, as possible. Knowing I'm not alone, helps tremendously, and that so many can relate. Thank you for your tender response to my emotional pain. The Lord bless you for that.

Sis,
I am overwhelmed by reading your post. How you get through the day is a mystery to me. It must be due to your strength of character and love of your family. I will say special prayers for you and send my best wishes as always. You are a truly wonderful daughter. If your mom can't see it, the rest of us do.
Linda

I have tried to think of positive things about my Mom. Hmmmmmmm. Right now, I can't think of any. She is bent on maiming my character, to elevate herself. It is effective with those who don't see the whole picture, such as those little old ladies, who sit around their tiny apartment, lonely and begging for company. They are among the few who are blinded by her cognitive decline, delusions and incapcitation.

I am her Guardian and Conservator for a reason: to preserve her health and quality of life, and to protect her assets. But, no matter what I've done for her, it's not good enough, at the right time, etc. And she wants everyone to know that she could have done what I'm doing if it weren't for my Dad's Alzheimer's, and she could have been a nicer mother if it weren't for her rotten kids. In her mind, I'm her serf, born only to serve her. If she needs something, it's my responsibility to make sure she has it just as she demands, and in a time period suitable to her. If I get in her way, I'm a nuisance. If I don't please her, this is reason for defamation of my character to anyone who will listen.

When mad at her husband, (always) he was a no-good, mean, abusive, neglectful creep, who can't meet her needs, who worked "too much," and not worth her time, except to do her bidding. She only sees my husband as a continuation of her husband. He is to hang pictures, fix things, open things, take her places, and serve her whims. Never mind she despises his wife, and calls the police when she doesn't have her way. Never mind she writes letters to Probate Court judges trying to have me removed from authority. She has cried to her "pastor" who contacted the authorities on her behalf, with false charges of abuse, and she's running from person to person in her senior complex, trying to align her allies against me. She called the Sheriff department, who were ready to confine me. I got a telephone call from a sweet lady Guardian ad Litem, saying Mom had made allegations against me. Mom changed her mind about pressing charges so many times, that they dismissed her "charges" as illegitimate. I confronted the issue by calling her Sheriff ad Litem, who has a similar situation with her own parent. After telling my side of the story, she recommended the false charges be dropped, and they closed the "abuse case" against me. I proactively stopped at the Police Station the other day, with Mom in the car, to seek their advice, and ask for suggestions in handling a delicate issue concerning mom leaving her valuables vulnerable in her apartment with her door open. Mom had no idea why I was there, and sat in the car with my husband while I ran in. Rather than her calling them, they now have an idea of the person and estate I'm trying to protect. Mom would not stoop to call them if she had a complaint against me, even a trivial one. I cry inside at her audacity.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with an agency who say they can transport her to doctor appointments, manage her medications, and provide for her needs - all for a reasonable hourly fee. I have had two conversations with the director, and she has 25 years experience in her field, and really understands our needs. Why? Her own mother suffered from a Personality Disorder. I'm praying she can handle mine. I want to remove myself from the day-to-day equation, and let mom deal with a neutral party. This woman has several people who work for her, and will match one suitable to mom's needs.

In 3 days, mom has a follow-up appointment with the Geriatric Assessment Clinic who originally diagnosed her PD condition. They told me she "definitely needs a Guardian." I will ask for that in writing, and will follow their recomendations for further assessment. I balked before, as their suggestion required much travel for mom and me. But without that, I'm at the mercy of her PCP, who didn't see the need to follow all their recomendations. I would rather travel, and get a full assessment and further testing and diagnosis, than "stumble along," hoping mom gets the help she (and I) need for her. So my two very important appointments are coming up soon. O how hopeful I am that this will help! Perhaps I'm dreaming, but I want to put an end to the fear of someone believing her and not me, having documentation to "prove" her incapacity, not just her word against mine.

I have photographs to illustrate her hoarding and spending patterns. Should an authority ever question my need to manage her finances, these prove it was not Dad's fault their home was in jeopardy. The bill collectors were sending letters and people to get the money they deserved, and the wagons were circling. Mom wrote the Judge that she "had a checkbook for buying groceries," and doesn't need a Conservator. My pictures prove she does, but so far, no one has seen them but me. She convinced all Dad's siblings that he was the problem, to the point that they are more willing to accept his shortcomings than hers, as she berated him, defamed his character, and demanded he perform for her. Such a sad 52 years of marriage for them. Now she wants to use his declining condition, due to Alzheimer's as her "show and tell" to gain further sympathy for herself, as the abused wife, now left to fend for herself. It is only in Mom's mind that all was well with her. If she persists in her attempts to extricate herself from me as Guardian and Conservator, the whole world see the truth, and that won't be a pretty picture.

I see nothing positive in my mother at this point. She is a mean, vindictive, calculating person, bent on destroying others to achieve her wicked ends. A Jezebel, who cannot understand compassion, love or friendship. Her unknowing companions are only for her amusement, and there to listen to her complaints and provide sympathy for her "sad situation." If one disagrees, they are anathametized. Woe be to the one who crosses her, or exposes a weakness in her! Off with their head.

Positive? Hmmmmmmmmmm. I only see anger, revenge, guile, bitterness, revenge, backbiting, gossip, despising, and vindictiveness. It's a vicious, slimy world around my mother. A battle of the wills. Still, she's my mother. She has physical and emotional needs. I pay for her clubs, and magazine subscriptions. I buy her favorite foods, and try to provide her wants, as well. I have filled her apartment with her cherished belongings, to the extent possible. I provide her with some spending money, so she can attend potlucks, ice cream socials, and an occasional lunch or dinner out with friends. I bought and planted flowers in her little apartment garden, which is the showcase at the main entrance: a beautiful hanging basket, one on a stand, a hummingbird feeder, windchime, and lovely bedding plants, as she always loved her gardens. I bought her a darling table and chairs so she could entertain a guest in her apartment, and even offered to buy her a brand new recliner (that she declined).

We spent the last two years driving the 400 mile trip back and forth, at least 4-5 times per month, to attend to her medical needs, and oversee her household needs. I was there for every doctor appointment, hospitalization, and surgery. I persisted in getting her off narcotics, by finding an astute Physician (after trying several). She had home health care and physical therapy when bedridden, and prescriptions delivered to her door. You can all see how mean I am to her, right?

I cannot focus on her positive character traits, at present, because they are hidden from my view. But I can look for ways to continue caring for her needs, and make sure she has the best health care available, and social stimulation to keep her active, and vibrant. So far, it's working well for her. She no longer complains of headaches and wanting to go to ER. She no longer calls saying she "can't breathe." She no longer has bill collectors demanding bills be paid, or knocking at her door. Her checkbook is balanced, and she can go out with friends any time she wants, within reasonable budget allowances. She no longer has to worry about foreclosure, or the future. Just wish she's quit complaining about me.

nmd?

i too have a nmd mother i challenge myself to dwell on something good about mine and i refuse to let her push my buttons after all kindess killed the cat dumb term but you get the idea

gvergrl, you are a good kid. Don't doubt yourself. I know how easy it is to doubt every move you've made when you've been made to feel like you're inept. You mentioned that they attack the people that love us. I have noticed that too.

I should clarify the above point. I no longer live with my parents. I am married and have a home of my own, and a son. Mom has her own apartment across town, recently, from 200 miles away. I provide for all her physical needs, prescriptions, groceries, etc. I have been providing transportation to all her medical appointments, but will contract that out with a Caregiving company, due to her behavioral issues, and complaints against me. Caring for a mentally ill individual is difficult. My family and I have a LOT to learn, and are just beginning as her Guardian. I find no pleasure in any of this, but sorrow and grief. I must learn to detach, and give up the illusion that anything good can come from my interactions with mom, because she is bent on destroying me, and remaining bitter. My own health is at stake to allow her to continually control me negatively. Not everyone lives like that!

You, givergrl, are a survivor! And you are a good kid. I wish I could reassure you of that. I can relate to your wondering about so many things. I grew up with similar questions and feelings. I was told I was a bad kid, and couldn't do anything right. This led to feelings of inferiority and defeat. But I have learned, that only my Mom and Dad felt that way about me. Other people gave me love and grace, so I began discounting what my parents said. This is not easy for a child. My our sister and I had to deal with both verbal and physical abuse, and our emotions still struggle today.

gvergrl, you have asked some very important questions in the above post. From what others post on these threads, I think "accept and endure," seem to be the response. It's hard to hear that, isn't it?

One of the outcomes of living with my parents, is that I want to "fix things and make them right." In 51 years, I have made little headway, in relation to my parents. In fact, they seem to be progressively worse! Still, I find it difficult to just quit, give up, and walk away. Confusion still reigns. Hope may be my great delusion. Slowly, I'm learning to realize that nothing will change, and is becoming worse, as predicted. This is disheartening.

You have so much insight, gvergrl. Try not to be down on yourself about your human feelings. It's very hard to care for aging parents who were abusive to you as a child (and still are). That is one reason why many people end up appointing guardians for their parents through the courts. There is only so much one person can endure.

Only you can decide how much more you can give (or take from them and remain sane). Mental illness is horrible for the person with it, but it's also horrible for children raised by people who are ill. There are no easy answers.

Carol

I think, why it hurts so badly when they attack our loved ones is because we have finally found someone to love us, and they don't want us loved.
Somehow, knowing that others went through what I grew up with, helps. I feel a bit guilty about that. NO ONE should have had to grow up that way. To know that there are similar histories behind faces on the street is sad. I had a b type dad and a c type mom. I really played genetic craps didn't I? Is this genetic, or do people develop it? My mother is like no one else in her family. My father is carbon copy. I thought no one was bothering to correct their behavior. maybe they can't. So, we do what we have to at arm's distance, do not interact, or try to placate, and have no expectations for change? Do they have medications to help with something that my parents have ingrained to an art form for 80 years? Do I just enure it till someone dies? I always felt that I was being punished for a crime before birth. I wasn't bad enough for hell but not good enough for normal. That's heavy stuff for a little kid to live with. Now, I have to deal with them as children and I openly resent it. I will do what I have to do, because that is my up bringing. I envy those who do this gladly.
Resentment, envy, fear...I'm a good kid aren't I?

Scary, isn't it? I mean, the professionals trying different meds, and not finding one to help. We're experiencing the same thing with my Dad, with Alzheimer's. They had him on Risperdal, and he had to be taken off, after a serious UTI, where he couldn't walk, feed himself, etc. A consulting Neurologist took him off that medication. The ones they have him on now don't seem to help his aggressive symptoms, which is frustrating. No offense to anyone, but they are called, "Practicing Physicians," and we the humans they practice on. Scary, in my opinion. But, from what I understand, without those meds, some people would do much worse, so medications are essential in those cases. Sounds like that's the case with your mom?

How did they come to diagnose her? What is the process like? My mom is showing paranoia, so I'm just curious. We have only been to one Geriatric Assessment, and have a referral to a Psychiatrist. This week is a follow-up with the Geri Assessment Clinic, so I'm looking forward to learning more.

I'll Google the above diagnosis, so I know what you mean. Thanks for sharing, Lucy.

Piratess, thank you for that post on NPD, as well. It had tons of useful observations in it. O, what you must be going through.

Well mom actually has paranoia schizoid affective disorder (same thing as schizophrenia but not all the symptoms) and bipolar. She does have a lot of the same symptoms as NPD does. They have put her on Risperdal. I don't know. She was on that once before and it didn't help. The nurse said she would tell the doctor that. She has been on so many meds and they just don't seem to work anymore.

Lucy, so sorry to hear that. What an awful thing for her to say. I am just learning about NPD; is this typical? Do they have her on some type of medications to help her cope?

I hope you have a lot of support for all you're going through. Will be keeping you and your husband, and mom in prayer.

Secretsis, yes it has calmed down alot. I went to visit mom today though and one of the first things out of her mouth was to ask me if my husband had died yet. Looked very disappointed when I told her "no". He's waiting to have surgery for colorectal cancer after going through chemo and radiation. She started yelling at me so I cut the visit short. I hope and pray they can do something to help her. Thanks for your prayers. I will praying for you too.

Another article for you gals to read:

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships

By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD

Chances are, you’re dealing with an individual with a personality disorder somewhere in your life — whether it’s your spouse, your parent, your co-worker...even your child. Dr Carver’s introduction to personality disorders in relationships puts the reality in plain English; more than just a list of diagnostic criteria, this explanation describes what it’s really like to be dealing with a personality disorder and offers tips for victims.

Personality Disorders: Who Are They?

Who are these people? In romantic relationships, they are controlling, abusive, manipulative partners who can ruin not only the relationship, but our self-esteem, finances, and reputation. As a parent, they can put the “D” in Dysfunctional Family and be the parent that abuses, neglects, ignores, or psychologically damages their children. As a friend they may be irresponsible, selfish, unreliable, dishonest, and often create significant problems in our life. As a neighbor, they spread rumors, create disharmony in the neighborhood, and steal our lawnmower. As a family member, they maintain themselves as the center of attention and keep the family in an uproar, or they may be the 45 year old brother who has never worked and remains dependent on the family for his support. They may be the brother or sister who verbally bullies and intimidates others with their temper tantrums. As a coworker they are manipulative unethical, dishonest, and willing to damage co-workers to achieve their employment goals. On the street they are the criminals, con artists, and people-users who purposefully damage others, then quickly move on to avoid detection.

In over three decades of experience of dealing with victims, it’s clear that the majority of emotional victims I see in clinical practice are actually victims of an individual with a “Personality Disorder”. The “Personality Disorder” has been around for many years. For several centuries, professionals working with all types of people recognized that some individuals clearly thought and acted differently — without “normal” feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and interactions. In 1835, Dr. Pritchard suggested the term “moral insanity” to reflect the fact that these individuals were not insane by the standards of the day, yet had significant differences in their behavior, attitudes, ethics, morality, emotional expressions, and reactions to situations. Despite their significant differences when compared to others in their culture, the individuals exhibited little emotional or social distress.
Personality Disorders are individuals who have a long history of personality, behavior, emotional, and relationship difficulties. This group is said to have a “personality disorder” — an enduring pattern of inner experience (mood, attitude, beliefs, values, etc.) and behavior (aggressiveness, instability, etc.) that is significantly different than those in their family or culture. These dysfunctional patterns are inflexible and intrusive into almost every aspect of the individual’s life. These patterns create significant problems in personal and emotional functioning and are often so severe that they lead to distress or impairment in all areas of their life. (Source: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition)

Personality Disorders are divided into three groups, or “clusters”.

Cluster A personality disorders are individuals who have odd, eccentric behaviors. Paranoid, Schizoid, and Schizotypal Personalities fall into this cluster.
Cluster B are personalities that are highly dramatic, both emotionally and behaviorally. Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Histrionic Personality are in this group.
Cluster C are personalities characterized by being anxious and fearful. Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality fall into this cluster.
The Relationship Destroyers: Cluster B
In considering individuals who create the most damage to social and personal relationships, the abusers, manipulators, “players”, controllers, and losers are found in Cluster B. For this reason, this article will focus on the behaviors associated with Cluster B personality disorders.

In the general population, the largest number of personality disorders fall in the Cluster B group. The four personality disorders in Cluster B are:

Antisocial Personality
A pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights of others and rules of society. The Antisocial Personality ranges from individuals who are chronically irresponsible, unsupportive, con artists to those who have total disregard for the rights of others and commit criminal acts with no remorse, including those involving the death of victims. In clinical practice, the Antisocial Personality has near-total selfishness and typically has a pattern of legal problems, lying and deception, physical assault and intimidation, no regard for the safety of others, unwillingness to meet normal standards for work/support/parenting, and no remorse.
Borderline Personality
A pervasive pattern of intense yet unstable relationships, mood, and self-perception. Impulse control is severely impaired. Common characteristics include panic fears of abandonment, unstable social relationships, unstable self-image, impulsive/self-damaging acts such as promiscuity/substance abuse/alcohol use, recurrent suicide thoughts/attempts, self-injury and self-mutilation, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate yet intense anger, and fleeting paranoia.
Histrionic Personality
A pervasive pattern of excessive emotional display and attention-seeking. Individuals with this personality are excessively dramatic and are often viewed by the public as the “Queen of drama” type of individual. They are often sexually seductive and highly manipulative in relationships.
Narcissistic Personality
A pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and egotism. Individuals with this personality exaggerate their accomplishments/talents, have a sense of entitlement, lack empathy or concern for others, are preoccupied with envy and jealousy, and have an arrogant attitude. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-esteem are unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings. This sense of entitlement also produces a feeling that they are entitled to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.
When encountering the victims of emotional and physical abuse, the Personality Disorder individual is already present in their lives as a mother, father, sibling, spouse, partner, or relative. The majority of clients with difficulties related to their childhood find a Personality Disorder as a parent. For many, they have found themselves in a romantic relationship or marriage with a Personality Disorder. Others discover they are working with a Personality Disorder as a co-worker, supervisor, or supervisee. A smaller group finds they are victims of the severe behavior of a Personality Disorder and have been assaulted, robbed, traumatized, or manipulated.

Personality Disorders are present in 10 to 15 percent of the adult population, with Cluster B accounting for approximately 9 percent based on research. At such a high percentage, it’s important that we learn to identify these individuals in our lives. A failure to identify them may create significant risk. While most of our contact with a Personality Disorder may be brief, the more involved they are in our lives, the higher the risk of emotional, social, and other damage. For this reason, it’s helpful to identify some of the characteristics of a personality disorder.

Part Two on Personality Disorders: Core Features
This second part of Dr Carver’s introduction focuses on the core features of personality disorders, people you are probably dealing with somewhere in your life. Part 1 defines personality disorders, while Part 3 continues with more on behavior and the consequences for people around them.
Core Features of Personality Disorders
Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders, each with their own pattern of behaviors, emotionality, and symptoms. However, in my observation, all Cluster B Personality Disorders have core personality features that serve as the foundation for their specific personality disorder. Some of those core personality features are:

Self-Centered
We often hear the phrase “It’s All About Me”. When making decisions, a healthy person weighs the needs and concerns of others as well as their own. A Personality Disorder weighs only their needs and concerns. A Personality Disorder may use money to feed their family for their own purpose. A brother with a Personality Disorder may intimidate an elderly parent for money or manipulate a legal situation to eliminate siblings from an inheritance. In most situations, if we are contacted by a Personality Disorder, the contact is for their purpose, not ours.
Refusal to Accept Personal Responsibility for Their Behavior
Individuals with a Personality Disorder almost never accept personal responsibility for their behavior. They blame others, use excuses, claim misunderstandings, and then depict themselves as the victim in the situation. Those that are physically abusive actually blame the victims of their abuse for the assault. Victims often hear “This is your fault! Why did you make me angry?” This aspect of a Personality Disorder is very damaging when the Personality Disorder is a parent. They blame the children for their abusive, neglectful, or dysfunctional behavior. Children are told they are responsible for the temper tantrums, alcohol/substance abuse, unemployment, poverty, unhappiness, etc. of their parent. During a divorce, a Personality Disorder parent often blames the children.
Self-Justification
Individuals with a Personality Disorder don’t think, reason, feel, and behave normally. However, they typically justify all of their behaviors. Their justification often comes from their view that they have been victims of society or others and are therefore justified in their manipulative, controlling, criminal or abusive behaviors. A common justification in criminals is to blame the victim for the crime as when hearing “It’s his fault (the victim) that he got shot. He should have given me the money faster.” Healthy adults find it impossible to reason with a Personality Disorder, finding their justifications impossible to understand.
Entitlement
Individuals with a Personality Disorder have a tremendous sense of entitlement, a sense that they deserve respect, money, fame, power, authority, attention, etc. Some feel they are entitled to be the center of attention and when that doesn’t happen, they are entitled to create a scene or uproar to gain that attention. Entitlement also creates a justification to punish others in the Personality Disorder. If you violate one of their rules or demands, they feel entitled to punish you in some way.
Shallow Emotions
Healthy people are always amazed and astonished that a person with a Personality Disorder can quickly detach from a partner, move on, and exhibit very little in the way of remorse or distress. A Personality Disorder can find another partner following a breakup, often within days. These same individuals can also quickly detach from their family and children. They can become angry with their parents and not contact them for years. A Personality Disorder can abandon their children while blaming the spouse/partner for their lack of support and interest. Their ability to behave in this manner is related to their “Shallow Emotions”. The best way to think of Shallow Emotions is to have a great $300.00 automobile (192 euros). You have a limited investment in the automobile, and when it’s running great you have no complaints. You take the effort to maintain the vehicle as long as the costs are low. If it develops costly mechanical difficulties, it’s cheaper to dispose of it and get another $300.00 automobile that will run well. Also, if you move a large distance, you leave it behind because it’s more costly to transport it. A Personality Disorder has shallow emotions and often views those around them as $300.00 autos. Their emotional investment in others is minimal. If their partner is too troublesome, they quickly move on. If parents criticize their behavior, they end their relationship with them...until they need something.
Situational Morality
A Personality Disorder takes pride in being able to “do what I gotta do” to have their demands/needs met. They have few personal or social boundaries and in the severe cases, do not feel bound by laws of the land and quickly engage in criminal activity if needed. The motto of a Personality Disorder is “the end justifies the means”. Situational morality creates rather extreme behaviors and many Personality Disorders have no hesitation to harm themselves or others to meet their needs. Activities often seen as manipulative are tools of the trade for a Personality Disorder and include lying, dishonesty, conning behavior, intimidation, scheming, and acting. Many Personality Disorders are “social chameleons” and after evaluating a potential victim/partner, alter their presentation to be the most effective. Severe Personality Disorders have no hesitation about self-injury and will cut themselves, overdose, threaten suicide, or otherwise injure themselves with the goal of retaining their partner using guilt and obligation.
Narcissism and Ineffective Lives
A Personality Disorder has a strong influence on the life and lifestyle of the individual. Cluster B personality disorders often have two lives — their “real life” and the imaginary life they present to others that is full of excuses, half-truths, deceptions, cons, lies, fantasies, and stories prepared for a specific purpose. Physical abusers who were forcibly and legally removed from their children and spouse develop a story that the in-laws conspired with the police to separate them from the children they love so deeply. Jail time is often reinterpreted as “I took the blame for my friend so he could continue to work and support his family”. A major finding in a Personality Disorder is an ineffective life — reports of tremendous talent and potential but very little in the way of social or occupational success. It’s a life of excuses and deceptions. Narcissistic and Antisocial “losers” often promise romantic cruises that never take place or have a reason that their partner needs to place an automobile in his/her name. Their lives are often accompanied by financial irresponsibility, chronic unemployment, legal difficulties, and unstable living situations in the community. Their behavior often emotionally exhausts those around them — something the Personality Disorder explains with “My family and I have had a falling out.” We can be assured that no matter what “real life” situation is present in the life of the Personality Disorder, there will be a justification and excuse for it.
Social Disruption
There is never a calm, peaceful, and stable relationship with a Cluster B Personality Disorder! Their need to be the center of attention and control those around them ensures a near-constant state of drama, turmoil, discord, and distress. An individual with a Personality Disorder creates drama and turmoil in almost every social situation. Holidays, family reunions, outings in the community, travel, and even grocery shopping are often turned into a social nightmare. The Personality Disorder also creates disruption in their family system. They are the focus of feuds, grudges, bad feelings, jealousy, and turmoil. If you have a member of your family that you hate to see arrive at a family reunion or holiday dinner — he or she probably has a Personality Disorder.
Manipulation As A Way of Life
To obtain our daily personal, social, and emotional needs, a healthy individual has a variety of strategies to use including taking personal action, politely asking someone, making deals, being honest, etc. Healthy individuals also use manipulation as one of many social skills — buying someone a gift to cheer them up, making comments and giving hints that something is desired, etc. For the Personality Disorder, despite the many social strategies available, manipulation is their preferred method of obtaining their wants and needs. The manipulations of a Personality Disorder —when combined with shallow emotions, entitlement, and being self-centered — can be extreme. To obtain their goals, an Antisocial Personality may physically threaten, harass, intimidate, and assault those around them. Histrionic Personalities may create dramatic situations, threaten self-harm, or create social embarrassment. Narcissistic Personalities may send police and an ambulance to your home if you don’t answer their phone calls, using the excuse that they were concerned about you. Their real goal is to ensure you that their phone calls must be answered or you will pay the consequences. Borderline Personalities may self-injure in your physical presence. In a relationship with a Personality Disorder, we are constantly faced with a collection of schemes, situations, manipulations, and interactions that have a hidden agenda...their agenda.
The Talk and Behavior Gap
We know how people are by two samples of their personality — their talk and their behavior. A person who is honest has talk/conversation/promises that match their behavior almost 100%. If he/she borrows money and tells you they will repay you Friday, and then pays you Friday, you have an honest person. When we observe these matches frequently, then we can give more trust to that individual in the future. The wider the gap between what a person says/promises and what they do — the more they are considered dishonest, unreliable, irresponsible, etc. Due to the shallow emotions and situational morality often found in a Personality Disorder, the gap between talk and behavior can be very wide. A Personality Disorder can often assure their spouse that they love them while having an extramarital affair, borrow money with no intention of paying it back, promise anything with no intention of fulfilling that promise, and assure you of their friendship while spreading nasty rumors about you. A rule: Judge a person by their behavior more than their talk or promises.
Dysfunctional Parents
Individuals with a Personality Disorder are frequently parents. However, they are frequently dysfunctional parents. Personality Disorder parents often see their children as a burden to their personal goals, are often jealous of the attention their children receive, often feel competitive with their older children, and often attempt to obtain their personal goals through their children. Personality Disorder parents control their children through manipulation, with little concern for how their parenting behavior will later influence the lives or the personality of the child. Personality Disorder parents are often hypercritical, leaving the child with the feeling that they are incompetent or unworthy. In extreme cases, Antisocial parents criminally neglect, abuse, or exploit their children — often teaching them to become criminals. Criminal parents often use their children to steal or carry drugs to avoid criminal charges as an adult, allowing the children to face the legal charges. Spouses with a Personality Disorder are often jealous of the attention their partner provides to children in the home, frequently targeting the child for verbal abuse in their jealousy. The narcissism and shallow emotions in a Personality Disorder parent leave the children feeling unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and unappreciated.
Continue to Part 3, on unconscious vs. calculated personality disorder
Part 3 on Personality Disorders: Behaviors and Consequences
This third part of Dr Carver’s introduction describes more of the behaviors associated with personality disorders — and the consequences for those around them, including helpful tips if you are a victim of these behaviors. Part 1 of this article defined personality disorders, while Part 2 took a look at core features of personality disorders.
Unconscious or Calculated Behavior?
When we look at the emotions, attitudes and behaviors of an individual with a Personality Disorder we eventually begin to question: Are these characteristics calculated and purposeful or are they unconscious behaviors that are not under their control? In working with Personality Disorders, we see both. For example:

Attitudes
The majority of the attitudes we seen in Personality Disorders are very long-standing and have been present since their teen years. Blaming others is a classic personality disorder feature and after believing this for many years, people with a Personality Disorder may not truly feel they are responsible for their behavior — even their criminal behavior. They have rethought, reworked, and excused their behaviors to the point that they fail to see that they are the common denominator in all their difficulties. Convicted criminals, with crimes ranging from auto theft to homicide, all have a similar attitude — “Incarceration is unfair”. They don’t factor victims into their crimes in any way. For this reason, those with a Personality Disorder have very little understanding and insight into their attitudes that ruin relationships. Victims will assure you that trying to explain a normal, healthy position to an individual with a Personality Disorder is almost impossible.
Impaired Relationships
In a Personality Disorder, over many years the individual develops impaired ways of relating to others. These impaired ways of relating eventually become their only way of relating to others. Beginning in their childhood, as an adult they now only know how to relate to others with intimidation, threat, anger, manipulation, and dishonesty. This defective social style continues, even when those around them are socially skilled, concerned, accepting, and loving.
Situational Behavior
Justifying their behavior with these long-standing attitudes, individuals with a Personality Disorder can be very calculated, purposeful, and manipulative in their behavior toward others. Their decision making, coping strategies, and manipulations are often well-planned to meet their agenda. Financially, many will purposefully legally obligate you to pay for their debts. They may steal money from you, justifying that behavior with “I cut the grass for three years — I deserve it.” It is this combination of long-standing attitudes and calculated behavior that makes a Personality Disorder dangerous in any interpersonal relationship.
What Does This Mean for the Victims?
In a relationship with a Personality Disorder, several basic truths are present. These include:

The victim in a relationship with a Personality Disorder did not create the Personality Disorder. Many Personality Disorders blame the victim for their assaults, lies, bad behavior, deceptions, intimidations, etc. In truth, the Personality Disorder has those behaviors if the victim is present or absent. Victims don’t cause themselves to be assaulted — they are involved with an abusive and assaulting individual.
Changing the behavior of the victim does not change the behavior of the Personality Disorder. Many victims become superstitious and feel that they can control the behavior of the Personality Disorder in their life by changing their behavior. This is often a temporary fix, meaning only that you are now meeting the demands of the Personality Disorder. When the Personality Disorder feels justified, they return to their behavior with no concern for changes in the behavior of the victim. Loving sharks doesn’t protect us if we find ourselves dripping blood in a shark tank.
A Personality Disorder is a permanent, long-standing pattern. Time doesn’t change these personalities. If your mother or father had a personality disorder in your childhood, returning home after twenty years will find their old behavior alive and well.
Marrying, having a baby with, moving in with, etc. actually makes their dysfunctional behavior worse. The presence of stress exaggerates and amplifies our normal personality characteristics. Mentally healthy yet shy individuals become even shyer under stress. The stress of additional responsibilities actually increases the bad behavior of a Personality Disorder.
When involved in any manner with a Personality Disorder — as their partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, etc. — we must not only recognize their behaviors but also develop a strategy to protect ourselves. Many of our strategies must focus on protecting our emotional stability, our finances, and our other relationships. As a parent, if our adult son or daughter has a Personality Disorder, we must protect ourselves from their behaviors that might jeopardize our lifestyle and life. As the child of a parent with a Personality Disorder, we must often protect our immediate family and children from the bad behavior of our parent. It’s important to remember that with a Personality Disorder, their survival and well-being is their priority — not the health or well-being of those around them.
SummaryAs we go through life, we encounter a variety of individuals. We also develop a variety of relationships with others including family members, neighbors, fellow workers, friends, and familiar faces. Healthy relationships seem to be healthy in the same way — having characteristics of respect, concern for others, affection, cooperation, honesty, mutual goals, etc. A relationship with a Personality Disorder is totally different. That 9 or 10 percent of adults with a “Cluster B” Personality Disorder can create significant difficulties in our life. In brief contacts they are often troublesome — the uncle who is a con artist or the sister-in-law whom nobody can tolerate at holiday dinners. When we bring them into our lives, however, a Personality Disorder rapidly takes over and our life becomes centered on their needs, demands, and goals. To achieve their self-centered objectives, the Personality Disorder becomes the controller, abuser, manipulator and user in relationships. The early identification of individuals who create unhealthy relationships can save us from years of heartache as well as damage to our personality, self-esteem, finances, and lifestyle.

Sec Sis, Glad you finally got things squared away, it will be all the better for it, instead of you getting tangled in her web of insanity and lies. NPD is a very serious disease, it takes everyone around it down with it. Not enough is being talked about on the national level about this, and why is that, because the percentage is not that high. But it is a silent and devasting disease that families try to deal with on their own. I plan in the future by either writing a book or something to bring more exposure to this. There are books written but there is NO NATIONAL discussion or awareness of this horrid disease.

Conservatorship/Guardianship as I mentioned before I am saving for when things decline. Currently it is manageable due to the meds!

P.S. NO CONTACT is the course many many many people take in regards to parents with NPD. I have read this many times on blogs and post relating to this Personality Disorder, some folks even go No Contact all the way up to the parent dying, because their lives where so horribly affected.

SecretSister and Piratess
Twenty-five years of AL ANON Adult Children (12-step) meetings and many recitations of this prayer have helped me recover:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
BUT it only works if you work it, so work it because YOU are worth it!

Hi Piratess, then where do the Conservator suggestions come in? Anywho, how's it going for you?

Her writing is legible, but not the pretty cursive she was once so proud of. I do wish I could print the entire letter. It shows the "age" of this 73 year old with a Master Degree in Elementary education, at about 3rd grade level. I found a letter to Dad, tucked away in the back of his desk last year. She demanded he "consider her rights," and that her two teenage daughters chip in to help HER, as he always worked 3 jobs, and we apparently weren't meeting her expectations. Dad was a Pharmacist, insurance salesman, and etc. He had applied to Med School, but had to give up that dream due to her ultimatum. In it, she demanded we become her serfs, as well. I remember nothing, except they told us he "wasn't accepted," because the field "needed" Pharmacists more than one more doctor. Hmmmmm. Anger. Fighting. Bickering. Door slamming. Cussing. Drinking. Smoking. Medicating on Prescription drugs. Bitterness. Rage. Catastrophic reactions. Unreasonable demands. Mother was far from dear. Fast forward 38 years, and she's still a tyrannical dictator. She wants others to do the work, while she "grades" and "oversees" it. She was an abusive mother and wife, and blames everyone else for her woes and troubles. Their debt was ALL dad's fault due to his Alzheimer's. She behaves the way she does because we ALL made her. Wednesday she gets to revisit the Geriatric Assessment Clinic who also wrote a letter to Probate Court saying she "absolutely needs a Guardian," and has a Personality Disorder. I will take her letter along, watching and listening as she squirms through their battery of questions. Prove abuse, neglect, and abilities. If she passes with flying colors (she won't) the State is welcome to her. She will never regain her freedom. Someone else will just be making the decisions if they find me deficient or abusive.

I say, minimize contact, and maximize my sanity. No more kid gloves with the momster. Let the professionals handle her, and let them document her complaints against their sterling reputation. I plan to start polishing my bare feet with grains of sand on Lake Michigan, and reclaim my life from her tentacles. If she wants to sit around her oppressive apartment whining, fine. I'll be watching the clouds, and eating fudge, and enjoying my husband and wonderful 9 year old at the zoo, and taking row boat rides, and a scenic train tour in the Upper Peninsula. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh summer. I have earned the refreshing that's close enough to go right now if I wanted. I could be back in an hour and a half if ER calls. Let them handle her till I get there.

Monday is my appointment to contract the services of this agency who have such a great grasp on this terrible situation. Why O why should I stress myself any longer? They are more than willing and capable to care for her for a very reasonable price. I am most happy to pay them to provide for her care, and regain my health and strength.

I love the post where a dear Caregiver reminded us we're not mental health professionals. I don't mind sharing the load with the ones who are better equipped, with more experience than me. It's not defeat, but wise management for our family situation. And I thank God for his provision.

Sec Sis, I am amazed how much faculties she has. She goes grocery shopping? She does laundry for herself? She writes legible letters to judges (even though they are chock full of "whack"). Is she on any meds? How old is your mommy dearest? (wink). In answer to your question I am not worrying about finances yet.

Hi lucy! How does it feel to have a little relief from all the drama? Will be praying for you, your husband, and your Mom. So sorry for all you've had to encounter. ALF sounds good, if they can handle her. Thank you for the update.

Conservatorship takes care of finances. Is that the help you're seeking Piratess? Do you have Guardianship as well? Or POA? Just wondering, since people keep suggesting Conservatorship. I am both Conservator and Guardian. It doesn't prevent Mom from accusing me of abuse. The only safeguard I have is that her Physicians say she "must have a Guardian," and that she has a Personality Disorder diagnosis." The court never grants Guardianship lightly.

Our parents can still accuse us, so that's why I am seeking an outside agency to monitor, transport, subdue and document every thing for Mom. I don't care if it uses her last dime. She won't stress me out again, like the last 51 years. I'm getting help for her, taking the heat and pressure off me, and even starting to plan a much-needed vacation. It's time. And the court OK'd my account, so the money they awarded me for my hard efforts will take me to a sandy spot on the beach very very soon. I'm dreaming of toes in the sand, the zoo, hike in the woods, kite flying with my 9 year old, and some relaxing.

I woke this morn with renewed hope and am putting feet to my plans. Have paid bills, met needs, covered bases, and taken charge of a horrible situation. I just dumped 300 necklaces, 75 pair of earrings, 25 purses, (for real) and a bunch of family photos in mom's apartment. She won't do anything with them, because she's too busy down the hallway complaining about me, but if she chose to write letters about me in another, I just dispelled it by taking her what she wrote she "needs."

Two days ago she had a roll of quarters for laundry. She asked for more today. I had also given her $10.00 cash. She has $22.00 stashed, and some change. I told her I couldn't give her any more quarters for laundry till next month. She spends whatever I give her like water, so I pretend she's broke. She asked why the recent prescription cost so much. I told her to call the Pharmacy. She huffs and puffs cuz I set those limits. Too bad so sad. Write another letter to the judge. Mean girl that I am, she can see if he'll put me in jail for not catering to every whim. Lest you think I'm not caring for her needs, I'm paying for two residences, two phone services, and alarm system, double residence insurance, magazine subscriptions, dues to clubs, hair appointments, cable TV, and run 2-3 times a week for groceries, prescriptions and her personal needs. Poor abused lady that she is.

My husband has been helping me do her accounting. He says I'm more than generous with her, and that she spends almost as much as the three of us for groceries. So any more money thrown at her would only be feeding a tyrant. From now on, I don't have to transport her anymore, and she can whine to someone who's emotions won't swerve. They can document everything I need for mom's "requested day in court." I've already had the evidence I need since before filing the initial petition for Guardianship. Since she's declined further, I'm told she won't have her desires met there, but will vindicate me.

I hate being this terse with mother, but being nice doesn't work. One can only tolerate so many accusations. My hubby and I just dropped off groceries, and I turned around to ask her something, and she was already down the hallway complaining. We hadn't even made it to the car yet. I hope she likes her new caregiving service. But they, and I won't care either way. With her, its a necessary service, and they won't mind the added income. I'm looking forward to some peace.

Hi Gals, Seems things are on track for lucy and Sec Sis, that's fantastic. Ezcare..my mom is pretty stable right now, the meds she is on has helped a great deal, but she needs to keep taking them. I had to re-invent a medicine taking system for her. I have them numbered now and that seems to be helping. I will do the other things when the occurences warrant that type of legal undertaking. I don't want to rock the boat right now, because she and her sisters and my cousin and his big-mouth g/f may rise their ugly head's if it is not warranted. Only when she because a nuissance either to the neighborhood or she cannot take care of herself anymore will I go that route. I have to be carefull as well with what I do. Thanks for caring so much!

A quick note and a hug to Piratess
Get Conservatorship immediately. The longer you tolerate your mom's very inappropriate behavior, the more difficult it will be to make your case to the Judge that "she is that bad" In fact, she may turn around and accuse you of abuse. Also, during these difficult economic times you want to be able to show that you fully qualify for FMLA time off from your job. This is easier to prove if the Court grants you Conservatorship. Otherwise it looks to outsiders that you took the time off voluntarily and that just might disqualify you from FMLA.

Hi Secretsis, Yes mom did go to a behavioral health center (a mental hospital). She may have to go to an assisted living center from there, at least until my husband has his surgery and is recovering well. I'm so happy things seem to be coming together for you. The info you shared is very helpful to other people going through this sort of thing. Its also extremely helpful to know that we're not going through this alone. There are others out there who understand. I don't think I could have gotten through this last week without the support here.

OK, on rereading posts, did lucy's mom go to the hospital? Thanks. Hope all is well. Take care!