The whole argument about how our parents changed our diapers and cared for us when we were babies is a bunch of bull. When our parents were young (younger than most of us here) they wanted to start a family. They were in love and wanted a child to love and to create a family. Once mom got pregnant it was a joyous occasion and mom and dad looked forward to those 9 months with great anticipation and joy. And then this little itty bitty person was born, completely dependent, and was fed and hugged and loved for many, many years. Mom and dad worked very hard to help shape that little person into someone who was good and kind and respectful and polite and moral, learning many lessons along the way. Eventually that little person grew up, went to college, moved out and started a life of their own and this too was a momentous occasion. Mom and dad had done their job well and were very proud of the family they created, raised, and watched as their child continued down it's own path.
This is NOT the same thing as bringing mom or dad into our homes so we can care for them because they cared for us when we were little. We didn't come to them with fully formed personalities, we didn't come to them out of the womb with personality defects and dementia. As babies we didn't argue with them when they tried to change our diapers, we didn't curse them either. We didn't accuse them of stealing from us and as babies we didn't leave the house to wander down the street in freezing cold weather with only our p.j.'s on.
It is NOT the same thing.
Debra can understand now why you feel the way you do your mum is making light of what happended to you and thats hurtful but forget about her and i hope you find peace and happiness one day.
Hugs
Once the house is put to rights I may adopt another. Only adopt seniors now so I don't leave anyone behind when it's my turn to cross the Rainbow Bridge. Ashley, an 8 year old lab in my picture came to me from rescue last year.
Debralee my mother was an A1 mean, evil, manipulative narcissist life long. Like you, I do and have done my best for her. I visit her in the NH and ensure she has all she needs, even though it sends me into a tail spin, but I recently gave up any guilt and the "duty" need to be all that and then some. It's been a few weeks since, having had a TIA, I changed my phone number, backed away and realized I've done more for her than anyone would have considering the venomous treatment she always dished out.
I avoided her as much as I could since I was a small child. Any hug or touch (I don't remember any) was followed by evil, bashing and hurt. To this day I can't bear anyone touching me at all for whatever reason.
I'm feeling very fragile, resting up and sleeping a lot. It is so hard to build a normal life and "come back" when you're older, but baby steps.
Nursing homes (I worked in them for 8 years) cannot and are not supposed to provide loving care. When my father went into a nursing home, a family member was with him 24/7 for several days to let the nursing staff know what he needed. In the end, we missed one nurse and she gave him too much pain med, and he died (this is not unusual). He was dying, she just speeded it up. My mom and all my siblings are still very angry, but it was prescribed by just doctor, rules and doctors orders trump patient needs and family wishes. It is a regulated institution. You and the patient lose the ability of personalized attention. They do the best they can within what is allowed by regulations and many skilled and caring people work in nursing homes, but any employee will tell you there are also people working there who are not good caring and your loved one will encounter them also. Just count up the number of different people in a week who end up giving care to your loved one. In-home is the best, even if it is not perfect, for as long as it can be managed. A nursing home is the last resort if you love someone. We live with regret, especially my mom, but we did the best we could, as long as we could and my father knows he was loved. Now he'd want us focusing on mom and our own lives and children; embracing all of them to the best of our ability, that's what caregiving is all about. Its not about debts to be paid, but gifts given and received.
Look for the blessings in your current position and soak them up. These blessings of time shared that you give to them will sustain your spirit.
Temporary??? My Mom's been living with me for 13 years..
Love?? I love my kids and would NEVER want them to care for me or my husband... It's not their responsibility...Why would I do this to them?
The role of being a parent - IS TO BE A PARENT. Chances were, they WANTED to be a parent. They didn't want to have a kid just so they kid could take care of them one day. I have the exact mindset that, my grandma was good to me, raising me and taking care of me. I want to take care of her because I want to and because I can. However, I'm not in a position to take care of her yet she still expects me to. I can't believe how people will go through life and never get their old-age affairs in order. Having a plan to move into a retirement home themselves, taking care of their own assets before they get too invalid to do it.
All this experience with having somebody depend on me, when I don't even live close enough to help them (hence, she ends up calling me anywhere between 4 and ten times a day leaving messages about how she needs help and can't remember things, when she has perfectly capable family members that live MUCH closer to her to help her...but no, she only trusts me and here I am 26 years old trying to get my life together ¬_¬) Anyway, all this "caregiving" experience has taught me is that old people are f***ing annoying and that I will make sure I have a life plan for myself. I'm already in the process of getting a will set up, a living will, made plans on when to sign up for medicaid, medicare, AARP - WHATEVER. I WIL NEVER NEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRR EXPECT MY OWN CHILD TO GO THROUGH THIS DUMB*** CAREGIVING S***. I will raise my child to take care of themselves and be useful to society as best as possible, BUT F*** - I mean, I hope to never be that parent that's like, "Oh well I took care of you" That just make people hate you for putting them on the spot and it sucks.
Why did I do it whereas my brother could have cared less? (1) Because I am an altruistic person by nature, (2) because it was the ethical thing to do, (3) because there was no one else available to see that my father received proper medical care and supervision, (4) out of a sense of family duty. As others have noted, adult children are not to be the "servants" of their elderly parents. However, if a family member is having problems, it's the ethical thing to do to make sure they get the help they need.
You obviously have a lot of pent-up rage about the situation with your grandmother. I agree that she is taking advantage of your good graces. You need to put limits on the number of calls you will answer from her - such as 3 per day and no more. Get caller ID on your phone if necessary and don't answer. I would also suggest that you write a very blunt (but polite) letter to her relatives that live nearby her, reiterating that it is THEIR responsibility, not yours. As the granddaughter, it should NOT be your responsibility to provide any care to her. Where are her adult children? They should be the ones dealing with her needs.
As to the other items you mention, most people are in denial about their eventual demise. Nobody likes to admit that they are going to get old someday and become less able to handle their own affairs. A small percentage of people do the things you suggest such as having a will, living will, downsizing into a retirement community, etc. - but most do not.
While I don't know enough about your grandmother to make a judgement, my suspicion is that she was a very "needy" individual prior to become elderly, which is why you are finding her behavior very annoying. It's probably not the phone calls (which you would likely welcome from a close girlfriend or boyfriend), but the "neediness" she is displaying. Needy young adults become needier old adults who are often demanding of our time and attention.
My best advice is (1) to place some limits on your grandmother's phone calls and (2) put your foot down with her nearby relatives.
Actually, in many cultures people have children PRECISELY so there is somebody to care for them in their old age, especially in cultures where there is no Social Security income or nursing homes to provide for the elderly. Old people have no others options in those societies. In fact, it was true in this country until the advent of the Social Security system which did not happen until the 20th century.
So lets not knock all NHs some are good and some are bad its up to family to shop around and ask the obvious questions. I dont expect nurses and docs to show my parents love? i want them to care! the loving comes from the family im sorry you had a bad experience but this is not the norm in most NHs. When we decide on a NH we should get talking to someone who has had thier parent in there and ask about the care. My friend saw 20 homes before having this one recommended.
Anyone else relate to this?
She's actually upset with my niece because she wanted my niece to come live with her and take care of her. The thing that bothered me was her whole attitude, like my niece owed it to her to move in and take care of her. That because my sister-in-law (MIL's daughter, niece's mother) isn't alive to do it, that my niece needed to step up in sister-in-law's place. My niece just avoided her phone calls and MIL has finally given up on that. She still badmouths her every now and then though.
I'll do what I can for my mother too when/if the time comes. Right now she's only in her sixties and is in great health, able to do for herself, still working full-time.
Me, personally, I do not expect my children to provide hands on care in my old age. I want them to make sure I'm taken care of, don't get me wrong, but I do not expect them to give up their lives, careers, incomes, marriages, families of their own, to take care of me. That's just plain selfish to expect that. What will they do when I'm gone? They'd be all alone and it would be all my fault for expecting them to give up their lives. Nope, not gonna ask that of them. I'd provide hands on care for them if they got in bad shape but I'm their mother, that's my job. I love them and I'd gladly do it. I'd do it for my husband. I love him and I made marriage vows for better or worse, in sickness and in health, etc. I'll do what I can for others, but will not sacrifice my marriage, my children, my sanity or my life. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.
Actually, my parents left me with my aunt when I was 16 to 'settle' in another city, while I finished my HS... I believe, this was a bad decision as a parent... but, a decision non-the-less due to being poor and needing jobs, etc... When my parents decided to move back to the state I resided... my father took ill and passed away at 45 yrs old... My upbringing/childhood was very disrupted and dysfunctional... Now, I feel like the 'child' taking care of my mother... (she was married a second time and lost her 2nd husband)after I was away from her for decades... She labels me in the family as being "too nice"... which has backfired on me as the 'black' sheep in the family... (the ONLY caregiver... 2 sons who are "living their lives"... and, are "wonderful sons"... Some 'children' don't have a healthy 'childhood' and still bring 'LOVE' to their parents as caregiver's... Yes... the LOVE comes from the HEART...(and, perhaps this comes from trying your whole life to 'win' some kind of 'approval')... But, trying to do this with a difficult elderly parent that bucks you all the time... isn't healthy either...
They both couldn't pay for college, a nice or even not so nice wedding. No vacations with the kids or grand kids. No generosity what so ever. All they had was for their "nursing home" care.
Now at the end of the day, mom is left and she has a big fat bank account ( around 1 million) that we had better not even look at, even if we are dying, because it is for her nursing home.
So I am going to honor her wishes and put her in a nursing home and she better d*** well like it because it is all my brother and I ever heard our entire lives. She made it easy.