The whole argument about how our parents changed our diapers and cared for us when we were babies is a bunch of bull. When our parents were young (younger than most of us here) they wanted to start a family. They were in love and wanted a child to love and to create a family. Once mom got pregnant it was a joyous occasion and mom and dad looked forward to those 9 months with great anticipation and joy. And then this little itty bitty person was born, completely dependent, and was fed and hugged and loved for many, many years. Mom and dad worked very hard to help shape that little person into someone who was good and kind and respectful and polite and moral, learning many lessons along the way. Eventually that little person grew up, went to college, moved out and started a life of their own and this too was a momentous occasion. Mom and dad had done their job well and were very proud of the family they created, raised, and watched as their child continued down it's own path.
This is NOT the same thing as bringing mom or dad into our homes so we can care for them because they cared for us when we were little. We didn't come to them with fully formed personalities, we didn't come to them out of the womb with personality defects and dementia. As babies we didn't argue with them when they tried to change our diapers, we didn't curse them either. We didn't accuse them of stealing from us and as babies we didn't leave the house to wander down the street in freezing cold weather with only our p.j.'s on.
It is NOT the same thing.
If family can't or won't care for them, then at least find a place that will. Caregiving isn't always living with them 24/7. It's finding a solution that will make their final days safe and relatively comfortable.
But, as human beings we are obligated to care for the vulnerable. If we saw an elderly person on the street in obvious distress, I think most would attempt to help in some way.
I told Dad [92] to think about what would happen if something happens to him, and to me, and Mom [96] is left all alone by herself in that big house. Who is going to come to her aid? He needs to try to convince Mom to move to a retirement community while she is still mobile. Otherwise, will it take the mailman noticing mail is piling up in their mailbox to call the police?
It's difficult being an only child with nobody to pass the baton to. I feel for your situation.
I am so stressed out I am exhausted from worry about my parents living in their single family house, with all those stairs. The house is no longer elder friendly. They could very easily move into a fantastic retirement community and purchase a large condo with the same amount of square footage as they have now... without me worrying about Dad trying to shovel instead of hiring someone.... or Dad climbing up ladders to clean the gutters, against refusing to hire someone ... or hand washing dishes because the dishwasher stopped working 3 years ago.
When I grocery shop for my parents I am always worried that Mom will complain about something I got, and sure enough she does, it's in a nice way but it still feels like I did something wrong. Sorry I have no control over the grocery prices or product quality. And here I thought I was helping out... [sigh]
I honest believe my parents will outlive me. And being an only child, there is no back-up child to take my place.
I'm speaking of selfish people who resent the idea of having to care for sick parents, when they have the means to do so. I'm talking about the selfish people who are upset that money has to be spent on parents and that will cause their inheritance to suffer. Or are upset the parents have the nerve to save money for their own future possibility of having to live in a NH.
One day I was speaking with Mom's investment advisor. I have POA, so we had a meeting about what she has. He told me I would be shocked at how many children who are caring for a parent want the ability to change the parent's will so they can have a larger slice. Many figured since they are the caregiver, they deserve most of the money after the parent passes away.
It is attitudes like that I find unsettling. I am seeing more and more children of parents who need their help who aren't willing to do anything. In such cases, I would rather they send their parent(s) to a NH.
I'm in Canada, not the UK. When I say 'ward', I'm referring to a floor in a medical or care building that cares for one type of illness. For instance, a cancer ward would be a floor in a hospital that treats only cancer. There are many separate rooms with patients, but the whole floor is referred to as a ward.
Thank goodness my parents don't live with me, yet.... don't get me wrong, I love my parents.... but I was an overprotected child and it took years to gain my independents.... if they move in, I once again become a *child*. My parents are in denial that I am a senior citizen myself... even showing them my AARP and Medicare card doesn't help.... [sigh]
Cher, I am hoping your hubby has smooth sailing with his chemo treatments. Having cancer is one of the most terrifying things imaginable... I had it and am in remission. After 4 years I finally find my new *normal* life.... I just hope my parents don't throw a wrench into it.
and June 3, 2014
She doesn't have dementia as far as I know, but she might as well have. She'd just love me to move in so she can resume domestic tyranny. Nearly absolute power, always right, no learning or effort required, entitled to say or do anything she likes. Family relationships have changed a lot, but that means nothing to her and she is addicted to domestic tyranny like some people are addicted to alcohol. It seems to have been a sort of bargain between men and women. She could be a domestic tyrant as long as she left the external world to him and didn't work, have her own money, drive or deal with technology. My mom is totally incompetent in dealing with the world outside her home and a complete tyrant in it. In her old age, she just wants to continue her accustomed style of life and can't see how dysfunctional and destructive it is.
Child sexual predators had a field day. We are only now finding out about Jimmy Savile because no one would have believed his child victims at the time. Sex was a taboo subject. There was no information about sex but plenty of adults after young girls who were held responsible for whatever happened. I was scared rigid of the whole thing without understanding what I was scared of. I only found out later that girls who were declared promiscuous could be put into reform school. There was one case of a girl sent to a juvenile prison because she had a Chinese boyfriend, who she later married.
I can remember being anxious all the time, but to my mother these were the good old days. She had nearly absolute power over me and enjoyed it. She has never really moved past those good old days emotionally and doesn't understand how much has changed. She watches oldie TV and hardly anything she watches is past 1980. We watched a 50-year-old Carol Burnett special and she thought it was contemporary. She doesn
Don't forget, 30% of all caregivers die leaving behind those they are caring for... that is a HUGE number. Some of us can handle the stress, some of us cannot. Such stress can bring on serious illnesses such as cancer,
We have parents living into their 90's and 100's.... oh my gosh.... does that mean a 82 year old should be caring full time for her 102 year old parents? Who is caring for that 82 year old? Her 62 year old child? Who is now caring for all 3?
Mom was happy about my unexpected arrival but my father was not. In fact, he kept a notebook in which he recorded all the expenses that I incurred, starting with the cost of my delivery, right up through college. He never presented me with a bill, like Bernard Cooper's father did, in Cooper's memoir, "The Bill From My Father," but he made it clear that children were expensive and inconvenient.
I took care of my mother when she was dying from cancer. My father refused to let me arrange for a housekeeper or a nurse when he got dementia, so I put him in a nursing home: a very good one.
Long story short, you get what you give. Nobody should be guilted into caring for a parent simply because their parent fed and clothed them when they were young. If there's no love there, the old person is better off in a nursing home when they can't live alone any longer.
Consider this: work that has traditionally been part of an extended family dynamic, such as cleaning, childcare, catering and nowadays increasingly elder care, is half expected to be done for love, and half expected to be done for money. We - we as in society - demand that people are motivated by a vocation, pay them very badly, belittle their aspirations and are then surprised and aggrieved that they don't love their underpaid, overworked, spat-upon position. We - again, we as in society - need to sort out our attitude and expectations. But I'm not holding my breath on that one.
How a nursing home or other facility treats its staff is, by the way, one of the most important points you can look at when and if you come to choose a place for your elder. If the staff are treated with respect - offered secure employment, professional training, better than minimum wage and emotional support, for example - they are more likely to mirror that attitude when it comes to the people they care for. What goes around…
I do understand how you feel shocked by some attitudes one reads about. They describe a very sad situation. But I think something you're perhaps overlooking is why, sometimes, children might feel as they do.
Oscar Wilde (by the way, although he was gay, he was also a loving husband and a father of two sons - don't believe everything you read!) said: "Children begin by loving their parents. After a time, they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."
Well, he was being light-hearted. But the more you read on this forum, the more you begin to realise that there are most certainly some parents who don't deserve to be forgiven. And if those are the same ones whose children have "shocking" attitudes it does begin to seem more like they've reaped what they sowed, doesn't it?
I care for a mom with Alzheimer's and a brother who is disabled. I do it alone. I'm 63 and willing to do it. Mom has become worse and I'm in the process of searching for some outside help. The day will come when I can no longer care for her. Until then, I want to care for her an my brother. But, that's me and don't expect everyone to feel or do the same.
However, that wasn't my point. I was shocked at how so many think it's not their responsibility to look after elderly parents when those parents no longer can care for themselves. And there are some who not only think that, but expect to get something from their parents after those parents die. Somehow it's the job of the parent to not only raise and care for children as they grow, but still care for them after the parents have died. Then in the same breath state looking after parents in their declining years is not a child's responsibility.
When I read beliefs like that (and I've personally known a couple of people who feel that way), I think we ought to be like the animal world. Take care of the child until they become a juvenile, then kick them out. Let them figure out how to survive and never come back. But, I think we're of a higher order than that.
The caregiver works an 8 hour shift thus isn't burnt out by the end of the week. The caregiver, if under the weather, the agency sends a replacement. The caregiver gets vacation time and time off for their own doctor appointments, etc. And if the caregiver isn't the right match, and new person is sent out.
My parents still live independently but no longer drive.... thus, I am their driver. Many a time I would complain to others about all this driving and some would say to me to remember that my parents had driven me when I was a child, etc..... ok, that make sense BUT my parents were in their 20's and 30's, not in their late 60's when I was a child... that's a huge difference. I am the older person in the left hand lane with the left blinker light going.
I think, as long as there isn't a disabled child who will need taking care of for all his/her lifetime, ALL parents should spend every cent on themselves after the kids start their own lives. Don't leave one red cent.
And as for taking care of your parents during their declining years due to illness, I only hope you don't find yourselves in the same position. The saddest and loneliest reality is knowing there is no family who care about you.
Certainly not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. And that's ok. But place someone into a NH out of love, not resentment.
Thank goodness I changed my phone number or I'd still be getting the awful whining, picking fights phone call every day.
"And sometimes, being firm about our limits and boundaries looks and feels like inviting conflict. On the contrary, it's a short term PITA to solve a long term problem. ....."
I know we (at least I know ~I~have) a tendency to avoid conflict, to make life easier rather than harder. And, sometimes, being firm about our limits and boundaries. Our parents aren't demi-gods, despite any showtiming to the contrary.
On a slight skew from the topic .. One of the things that really annoys me about families is that they'll often treat us worse than their worst enemies and still expect us to cow tow. Pfft. It's my personal stance that I love because I choose to, not because I'm obligated. Treat me with dignity. Treat me like a loved one and do NOT take me for granted, or I'm outta there. It's taken me over 50 years to get to this point, and I'll be d*mned if someone who claims to love me treats me like dirt.
Rant over.
LadeeC, I have a springing DPOA which requires two separate doctors to declare incompetence. I'm sure it may be useful one day but right now it feels pretty useless to me. I can't do anything and I certainly can't tell my mother what to do as she automatically resists that like it's a communist takeover. And she showtimes like a pro.