The whole argument about how our parents changed our diapers and cared for us when we were babies is a bunch of bull. When our parents were young (younger than most of us here) they wanted to start a family. They were in love and wanted a child to love and to create a family. Once mom got pregnant it was a joyous occasion and mom and dad looked forward to those 9 months with great anticipation and joy. And then this little itty bitty person was born, completely dependent, and was fed and hugged and loved for many, many years. Mom and dad worked very hard to help shape that little person into someone who was good and kind and respectful and polite and moral, learning many lessons along the way. Eventually that little person grew up, went to college, moved out and started a life of their own and this too was a momentous occasion. Mom and dad had done their job well and were very proud of the family they created, raised, and watched as their child continued down it's own path.
This is NOT the same thing as bringing mom or dad into our homes so we can care for them because they cared for us when we were little. We didn't come to them with fully formed personalities, we didn't come to them out of the womb with personality defects and dementia. As babies we didn't argue with them when they tried to change our diapers, we didn't curse them either. We didn't accuse them of stealing from us and as babies we didn't leave the house to wander down the street in freezing cold weather with only our p.j.'s on.
It is NOT the same thing.
You obviously have a lot of pent-up rage about the situation with your grandmother. I agree that she is taking advantage of your good graces. You need to put limits on the number of calls you will answer from her - such as 3 per day and no more. Get caller ID on your phone if necessary and don't answer. I would also suggest that you write a very blunt (but polite) letter to her relatives that live nearby her, reiterating that it is THEIR responsibility, not yours. As the granddaughter, it should NOT be your responsibility to provide any care to her. Where are her adult children? They should be the ones dealing with her needs.
As to the other items you mention, most people are in denial about their eventual demise. Nobody likes to admit that they are going to get old someday and become less able to handle their own affairs. A small percentage of people do the things you suggest such as having a will, living will, downsizing into a retirement community, etc. - but most do not.
While I don't know enough about your grandmother to make a judgement, my suspicion is that she was a very "needy" individual prior to become elderly, which is why you are finding her behavior very annoying. It's probably not the phone calls (which you would likely welcome from a close girlfriend or boyfriend), but the "neediness" she is displaying. Needy young adults become needier old adults who are often demanding of our time and attention.
My best advice is (1) to place some limits on your grandmother's phone calls and (2) put your foot down with her nearby relatives.
Actually, in many cultures people have children PRECISELY so there is somebody to care for them in their old age, especially in cultures where there is no Social Security income or nursing homes to provide for the elderly. Old people have no others options in those societies. In fact, it was true in this country until the advent of the Social Security system which did not happen until the 20th century.
Why did I do it whereas my brother could have cared less? (1) Because I am an altruistic person by nature, (2) because it was the ethical thing to do, (3) because there was no one else available to see that my father received proper medical care and supervision, (4) out of a sense of family duty. As others have noted, adult children are not to be the "servants" of their elderly parents. However, if a family member is having problems, it's the ethical thing to do to make sure they get the help they need.
The role of being a parent - IS TO BE A PARENT. Chances were, they WANTED to be a parent. They didn't want to have a kid just so they kid could take care of them one day. I have the exact mindset that, my grandma was good to me, raising me and taking care of me. I want to take care of her because I want to and because I can. However, I'm not in a position to take care of her yet she still expects me to. I can't believe how people will go through life and never get their old-age affairs in order. Having a plan to move into a retirement home themselves, taking care of their own assets before they get too invalid to do it.
All this experience with having somebody depend on me, when I don't even live close enough to help them (hence, she ends up calling me anywhere between 4 and ten times a day leaving messages about how she needs help and can't remember things, when she has perfectly capable family members that live MUCH closer to her to help her...but no, she only trusts me and here I am 26 years old trying to get my life together ¬_¬) Anyway, all this "caregiving" experience has taught me is that old people are f***ing annoying and that I will make sure I have a life plan for myself. I'm already in the process of getting a will set up, a living will, made plans on when to sign up for medicaid, medicare, AARP - WHATEVER. I WIL NEVER NEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRR EXPECT MY OWN CHILD TO GO THROUGH THIS DUMB*** CAREGIVING S***. I will raise my child to take care of themselves and be useful to society as best as possible, BUT F*** - I mean, I hope to never be that parent that's like, "Oh well I took care of you" That just make people hate you for putting them on the spot and it sucks.
Temporary??? My Mom's been living with me for 13 years..
Love?? I love my kids and would NEVER want them to care for me or my husband... It's not their responsibility...Why would I do this to them?
Look for the blessings in your current position and soak them up. These blessings of time shared that you give to them will sustain your spirit.
Nursing homes (I worked in them for 8 years) cannot and are not supposed to provide loving care. When my father went into a nursing home, a family member was with him 24/7 for several days to let the nursing staff know what he needed. In the end, we missed one nurse and she gave him too much pain med, and he died (this is not unusual). He was dying, she just speeded it up. My mom and all my siblings are still very angry, but it was prescribed by just doctor, rules and doctors orders trump patient needs and family wishes. It is a regulated institution. You and the patient lose the ability of personalized attention. They do the best they can within what is allowed by regulations and many skilled and caring people work in nursing homes, but any employee will tell you there are also people working there who are not good caring and your loved one will encounter them also. Just count up the number of different people in a week who end up giving care to your loved one. In-home is the best, even if it is not perfect, for as long as it can be managed. A nursing home is the last resort if you love someone. We live with regret, especially my mom, but we did the best we could, as long as we could and my father knows he was loved. Now he'd want us focusing on mom and our own lives and children; embracing all of them to the best of our ability, that's what caregiving is all about. Its not about debts to be paid, but gifts given and received.
Once the house is put to rights I may adopt another. Only adopt seniors now so I don't leave anyone behind when it's my turn to cross the Rainbow Bridge. Ashley, an 8 year old lab in my picture came to me from rescue last year.
Debralee my mother was an A1 mean, evil, manipulative narcissist life long. Like you, I do and have done my best for her. I visit her in the NH and ensure she has all she needs, even though it sends me into a tail spin, but I recently gave up any guilt and the "duty" need to be all that and then some. It's been a few weeks since, having had a TIA, I changed my phone number, backed away and realized I've done more for her than anyone would have considering the venomous treatment she always dished out.
I avoided her as much as I could since I was a small child. Any hug or touch (I don't remember any) was followed by evil, bashing and hurt. To this day I can't bear anyone touching me at all for whatever reason.
I'm feeling very fragile, resting up and sleeping a lot. It is so hard to build a normal life and "come back" when you're older, but baby steps.
Hugs
Debra can understand now why you feel the way you do your mum is making light of what happended to you and thats hurtful but forget about her and i hope you find peace and happiness one day.
At the same time, not every parent that was nasty deserves for their KIDS to care for them...but I do believe that every human being, when they're very old and frail and helpless does deserve to have someone, not necessarily their children, there for them in the end so they don't die all alone...even if that's exactly what they DO deserve...
Hope that makes some kind of sense...
And yeah, this whole thing is totally personal. People have to follow their gut in this. If someone chooses not to care for an abuser themselves, who could blame them? That's what NH's are for.
I also ponder, from time to time, her attitude to her mother. What care did she take of my Granny? None At All, is the answer; but it is also the case that that was entirely justified. My grandmother scared the living daylights out of my mother and destroyed her sense of self worth. I loved and respected my grandmother, but I can still see that she was a lousy mother. Hard as nails. Cold as ice. Immensely gifted, but critical and judgemental, and an impossible role model. My poor mum never had a chance.
But I am not my mother or - oh holy God I hope not! - anything like my grandmother. I am me. And I choose to care for my mother, to show her love and comfort her old age, to the best of my ability. Which by the way is probably not that great, but it's the only offer on the table.
What you decide to do is entirely up to you. You may feel under obligation. You may feel the opposite. But in the end, you are in charge of your decisions, they are not governed by the past or by other people. Do what you think is right.
Remember, the parents that provided love, support, and whatever they could academically do deserve payback, the ones who failed their parental duties do as well. I would not judge it, but I respect your right to judge your situation.
Thanks and respect for your military career!
Allow yourself to move on.
L
i refer to ismiami again ; family can beat each other to a pulp in " normal " times, but the idea remains ; were family , i helped you, give me a hand pr**k !!..
family = trade pact..
im glad ismiami mentioned emotional support because that is sometimes the bulk of the carer task. caregiving seems to panic you debra, it doesnt have to.
im personally having a blast with my aunt.
oh yea, she took me in 15 years ago when my marriage blew up and i was phsycotic on hepc chemo. she nursed me back to health with the greatest of love and patience. i owe her big.
For me I know my parents would NEVER want me to go down that road and be a caregiver for them if they were declining in health etc. Just because they took care of us when were babies and children doesn't obligate anyone to provide care when they are old. For me a child's job or obligation to their parents is to be the best person they can be and to make their parents proud of the person they have raised and we have become. Choosing Nursing home care or other care other than doing it ourselves just isn't part of that equation. If we choose that path then that is great but if we choose another no one should feel guilty or like their choice isn't the best and great choice for them either.
I read on this board all the time things like its causing marital issues or issues between siblings etc and I know my parents wouldn't want care that would cause issues like that in the family.
I think the folks who have an emotional or financial gap, may not feel the "grattitude" or obligation. I understand that. As you reap, so shall you sow. Selfish parents beget "non"grateful children.
I know people who have had kids (or married) in order to have someone take care of them......that is a relationship doomed for resentment.
I am not sure I "owe" my parents emotional or financial support, but I a pretty sure nobody else does.