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My Dad has dementia, depression, continuing weight loss, and macular degeneration. Although living in an assisted living wing of wonderful retirement community he shows NO interest in participating in activities, improving himself through physical therapy, or even going to mealsunless strongly encouraged. He stays often in bed until noon. Antidepressant had adverse side-effect. Lived large in younger years building and flying airplanes, traveling, etc. Now is not driving, or expressing interest in anything. Help! I'm sad, depressed, and feeling helpless about helping him feel better about life.

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Think about it, 91 years is a very long time. He's tired, we will all feel that way once we reach our 90's. He's winding down, it is only natural. If he wants to sleep until noon, so be it, teenagers do it all the time. Also, he has dementia, that can have an affect on his brain, too.
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Thanks for response. Great answer. I think because my dad's mother lived to 102 I just have not been able to accept 91 as being old. I needed this reality check.
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Freq flyer is right. Let enjoy what he can and don't push him. There may be some meds out there but at 91...... H*ll, I hope I make it to 91.
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CF, while I completely agree with FF's empathetic response it's one thing to acknowledge reality and another to have to swallow it - it's a bitter pill, and hard to take. We'd love to think of elders enjoying activities and relationships in a protected community; and some of them certainly do settle happily into the new routines; but then again, compared with flying his own planes, a singalong or a round of poker don't really cut it, do they? You can see your dad's point of view.

What you can still do for your father is keep turning up, and keep talking to him as you naturally would. You might not get much response, there might be a lot less evident interest and enthusiasm than would have been the case before, but what I'm seeing with my mother is that although you can't tell from her tone or her expression she is genuinely pleased to hear from or hear news about her family. Don't let him cut himself off from the people he cares about, that's all.
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If one antidepressant didn't work, there are plenty more out there.
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The support from the answers is helpful. I don't feel as alone. Thanks so much.
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Is his facility full of 90 - something residents, or are there plenty of 70's, 80's? I have visited some places where the ages are really quite high, and it can be depressing just being cooped up with all 90 - something people. It could be worth looking into a different facility that has a wider age range.
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Macular degeneration is pretty depressing in and of itself. Nothing fun about losing your vision. Especially when you've led such an active life previously. Just thinking about all the things he used to do, but can no longer do must be depressing. If he's otherwise healthy, I'd try other antidepressants, then I'd look into readers and magnifiers designed for MD. Might read to him sometimes. Good luck and hope he gets to feeling better.
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No mystery here. He does not get up and make the effort to go to meals. he can't find the f****ing way to the dining room and when he gets there he can't see his fork or identify that orange blob on the plate in front of him. He feels safe in bed end of story. He is not hungry and he's had enough of this life. His friends are all dead and he can't stand the other old farts, who are asleep in front of the TV in the lounge. If they want to sleep all day why not in the peace and quiet of their room not dragged out into a geri chair or W/C, but most of them can't speak for themselves. The healthcare team thinks they should be out of bed to prevent bedsores and have interesting things going on around them. Well I have news for them it is very stressful to have constant motion going on around you that you can not and do not want to participate in. I like the golden girls but not 24/7 and forget the sports chanel. Sorry this is not the rant thread but just how I see things from a becoming older point of view with increasing physical limitations.
i can imagine the capt in his bunker with a steel door and an tiny slit they can pass the paper through but strong enough to keep out the most persistant social worker. He'd probably have a booby trap bucket filled with some unmentionable noxious substance riged so when they got too annoying he'd pull a string and laugh himself till he you know what himself. No way he's going to end up in aunt edna's prison. Love your elders keep them safe but do unto others as you would have them do to you.
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My mother is a lot like that. She is really depressed being old and refuses to accept it and will often refuse to leave her room, getting more depressed being alone with too much time for self pity. She's now on Zoloft and it appears to be helping her. Also, she just made a friend in AL and is now more participative. Maybe your father's doctor could try another antidepressant? Also, I notice that Mom does better once she has a friend to do things with. Maybe you could find someone close to his age and experiences to sort of buddy them up? It always helps to have someone to talk to and commiserate with, and being with one person is not as uncomfortable as being in a group especially when one is handicapped. Mom is deaf and doesn't do well in groups, in IL she wouldn't eat dinner and would go back to her room if she didn't see someone she knows well to sit with. At AL they have assigned seats and that makes her feel secure. Maybe you Dad would do better with a friend.
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Just saw my Dad yesterday. He lives an hour and half away. He's 95, almost 96. It was an awful visit. He can't see, can't hear, and can't process much info. He lives alone in an independent senior place with only a few activities. He smiled once to see me but it ended sad: I couldn't do a thing for him and all I could do was drive him to a restaurant. He was uncomfortable going 5 miles away. I am so sad. I think he's withdrawing from life. How can you communicate with a parent with so many disabilities?

He has other people visiting him: my brother, once a week, my step sister does the best job looking after him but her Mom has severe Alz, is in a home. It's such a heart breaker.
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its always helpful to be empathetic and put ourselves in others' shoes---91 wow. That's a long life! What do you "expect" of him at that age in terms of activity? Is it realistic? Sometimes we have to start preparing to let go and I believe its nature's way when they start sleeping a lot, not eating and withdrawing.

The other day I was missing my grandmother but then realized that if she hadn't passed away at 92, she would be 102 this year and would have lost her at some point between 92 and 102 anyway so is the loss any harder back then as it would have been later?

We all pass on. Sometimes its heart breaking to read about all the herculean things people are doing to keep their LOs alive when deep down we all know we have an expiration date. I have a relative that just passed away yesterday from stage 4 cancer. He was in the hospital the past 2 weeks and his adult children were doing all they could to keep him alive until finally the hospital said its time for hospice. He was in hospice for less than a week before he passed away. What happened these past 3 weeks? Yes, he was alive for 3 more weeks but what was the quality of his life? What was gained and for who?

These are rhetorical questions. I'm hoping to maybe inspire some to reflect about all the things they are doing for "one more day." Best of luck to you.
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Your description of your loved one made me think of parents with disabled children. In the absence of engagement (as with autism or mental disabilities) they will try to reach their child through things like touch or music. For an adult it can seem like 'once an adult and twice a child'. It's just a suggestion but maybe try to engage him in new things, as those things he loved are past. Appeal to his senses through touch - a hug, a held hand or shoulder as you talk to him? Music can be a great sensory tool as well as pleasant smells and stimulating surroundings. Perhaps something of the past planes could be brought to him through video/audio/objects that encourage discussion. I agree with the commenter who suggested you also just keep showing up. Just knowing your there can be a comfort to him, as well as loving conversation. I don't know what you'll make of all that but hope that it's at least some food for thought. Bless u.
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Judda, I'm sorry your visit was so sad for you. But it wasn't for him, was it? I wish I could get through to my brother, who seems to be so riddled with guilt that he solves it by just staying away, that if he wants to make mother happy all he has to do is turn up from time to time. Visits don't have to be *for* anything. Take a book, sit by his bed, while away an hour reading something you like, or maybe - if you think it might filter through - reading aloud something old and familiar that you know he likes.

Mind, I realise you're still going to miss terribly the person your father used to be. Nothing anyone can do about that, I'm afraid. He's not gone, but he is going, and it is very, very hard - again, I'm so sorry.
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As his dementia progresses he will lose interest in everything and you will see a mental and physical decline. This doesn't mean he will never participate in anything. He's 91, perhaps tired and maybe don't feel like being an active participant or maybe cognitively doesn't understand. He can participate in passive activities such as music, books on tape, short tv shows, conversations if he still is speaking or someone can read to him. A sensory box has a variety of items that spark the senses; fun fur, sandpaper, sea shell, satin, velvet, rough & smooth rock, feathers, fragrances such as lemon, orange, chocolate, cinnamon, vanilla, a variety of chimes, nature cd, colorful items such as a squishy ball in a bright color, food items such as a banana, orange, snack cake, pickle anything that can spark all senses. Be supportive of him, encourage him but don't badger. good luck
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I think the friendship idea would help but it is very difficult to find much for friendships in assisted living facilities. Most elderly do keep to themselves and sleep a fair amount no matter how active and socially involved they were in their younger years. If he still can recognize you and speak, that is a blessing in itself at 90.
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My Mother is sort of the same way. When I visit her sometimes we just sit quietly and watch t.v. together. She still likes to keep her nails nice so she sat and filed her nails and we watched t.v.

We always had that kind of relationship where we were comfortable enough with each other where we didn't feel we had to talk. It was nice.
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NJ Cinderella was right on point. We have to go with the flow. There is no way to breath new life into someone who is getting ready to let go. Familiar surroundings are what matter the most, too much stimulation just causes anxiety. Be there hold his hand read if he is not deaf, show him pictures if he can see. Do not leave the TV on to entertain him. Give him a soft afghan or soft toy to hold. If he has a favorite foods take him something and feed a small portion, getting someone in this stage to do things for themselves is counterproductive.
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Injuries, extreme weight loss, called a wasting condition, and several health conditions were the reason my mom slept much of the day but poorly at night. My mom lived to age 95 last year. At age 92 when she suffered a back injury from a fall, Mom slept about 10-15 hours daily. From age 93 to 95 and in assisted living, Mom slept about 20 hours daily until she passed last November 2014. Her congestive heart condition started when she was 88 years old and just kept getting worse until she required oxygen about three days before she died. Her last expression was a smile just hours before she passed!
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It helped me a lot to read these comments today. I find myself getting so frustrated with my 90 year old mom who lives with us and her lack of interest in just about anything. She watches tv nonstop most of the day and only gets up to go over and do her crossword puzzles. (yay for that, I am so happy she does those). I practically have to force her to eat and then it is only small bites. Her fluid intake is so low and I know that causes many problems, but she really sees no need to cooperate with me. She just sold her house of 65 years and she is so sad and I do understand and empathize with that feeling she is experiencing. However, it's hurtful for me to hear her say everyday that she "doesn't know where she belongs anymore." I am bending over backwards to make her life comfortable and happy, at the expense of my own health and happiness, and yet, she feels awkward living with us. This is a very lonely, difficult road. My heart goes out to her, but mine is aching...
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justme, she is grieving the loss of her life as an independent woman. She has lost her bearings.

Picture yourself moving in with one of your children. I have done that before, on a temporary basis, and no matter how much you love each other, you're a third wheel. I would cook dinner but it wasn't my kitchen. The whole dynamic changed between me and my daughter, I was out of my element. But anyway, I can totally relate.
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It might be time to call hospice in for at keast an evaluation.
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justme456: Perhaps it is time to look into a social worker to talk with and help lift your mom's spirits. Age 90 is very elderly, and poor health conditions plus loss of independence, loss of apparent identify and isolation can be very upsetting for someone in that situation. Your situation is included in my prayers.
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Thank you, txcamper,
I do get what you are saying completely. Even when my mom was still living in her home, she was totally non-independent and I was taking care of all of her needs basically. I would travel up a couple times per week to make sure everything was set for her, take her to all appts, grocery shop etc. So, while she wasn't at all "independent" I guess the key point is that is was "her house" and the place she had called home for over 60 years. She has now lived with us for almost 9 months, so I wasn't expecting her depression regarding the sale of her home to this extent. I thought she had made the transition. I am trying to "walk in her shoes." I have definitely decided through all this that I will not live with any of my kids. I will live closeby, hopefully, but not in their homes.
At least, I hope I will have that option. I thought maybe my mom could (would want to ) purchase a small, assisted living type home close to ours, but she insists she wants to stay with us. So, onward and upward, day by day. My mom has always been somewhat depressed so this has only magnified the problem, and yes, she is on some medication. Thanks, everyone, I really appreciate your help and understanding so much.
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I truly believe this is a more difficult time for you than for your father. It's always hard to watch someone you love deteriorate. He's doing what he's comfortable with. Withdrawing from life is part of the dying process and may go on for quite some time. With dementia, he can no longer respond the way you would like; the world is a foreign place to him now. All you need to do is be with him, talk without expecting much in return, and let him know you love him. I went through this with my husband and my heart goes out to you. May you find peace knowing your father led a full life; he will feel your peace when you visit him and that will make this period of his life more tolerable. Bless you for your caring heart...
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I can really relate to these comments. My father is almost 92 years old, living in a care facility, is in a wheelchair with round the clock care, and has some kind of dementia ( not formally diagnosed, but presenting as of the frontotemporal variety). He has little interest in doing anything anymore, aside from watching TV. I try to keep his morale up by calling and visiting at regular intervals, all the while trying to taking care of myself too so that I remain energized to help Dad.
It is hard to see that old friends do not call anymore, because Dad's "conversational skills" have declined dramatically. Dad will still cast an eye toward his phone message machine every time he is wheeled into his apartment, but alas there are no messages there. Our family is grateful for the wonderful hands-on care that Dad is receiving at his care home, and we continue to do our best to do our part. It helps to read others' comments here, because truly we are all in this together.
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The loss of a home is extremely painful coming next to loosing a spouse or child. Your "stuff' is gone. Even though you knew you would never be able to use certain things again, you hang on to it in the hope that one day you will be able to complete those things you plan in your head. Suddenly reallity slaps you in the face and you are adrift in a tiny boat with just your teddy bear for company. of course Mom wants to remain in daughters home, what other strange place would she want to go to. Grieving takes a long time and at her age it takes longer than nine months. Everytime I have suffered a great loss it takes me two years to get over it and move on. of course you have bent over backwards to make Mom happy and comfortable and deep down she knows and appreciates your efforts. This is not about you. It is about her. She is not rejecting you and all you have done she is rejecting the situation she finds herself in. So be patient and loving but don't expect miracles allthough you may get one in time or not.
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My dad is 75 and does next to nothing, and he's at home. He sits in his recliner all day. He cannot hold a conversation. I have to see and smell him every day. I've given up trying to get him to go for walks, watch a movie, listen to a book on tape, or anything else. He wants to do nothing, and doing nothing is something. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do. At least your dad is in a facility and getting medical care, cleanings, etc. My father won't go to the doctor or clean himself properly. My life is on hold waiting. I'm not very patient.
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Thanks for all your suggestions. I thought of textured objects but he would be insulted with such things: at this stage. He wants to carry on a conversation but can't understand and can't hear, even if you shout in his face. I ask him a question but he doesn't like to talk either. He is too restless to just sit and jumps up thinking he has to take his pills, or see if his phone works, or to just obsess over something. And no matter how many times you try to answer his same questions, he keeps obsessing and demanding things.

The only thing I could see is he has a reading machine that projects print onto a large screen; so he might read a book, but getting the initiative and drive to do anything seems like a monumental task. From month to month I see my Dad decline rapidly. He does look like he is wasting away.

Also, what's frustrating is since I live an hour and a half away and am in charge of helping my Mom in this neck of the woods (by myself), my brother and step sister are too busy juggling jobs, other relationships, and don't fill me in on how to have a visit with Dad. I had to call my brother and try to calm myself down:
"I need some clues! Help! I can't make the computer work to show him things I might share, I don't know how to turn on his TV with the 4 remote controls, I don't see anything in the refrigerator to eat or to cook with, and I don't know how to just BE with him."

I got home all emotionally exhausted and needing an extra amount of sleep. Next day my mother calls, "Judy, I'm bleeding!" Another UTI. The doctor tested so far reveal too much protein in the urine: might signal kidney trouble.
Where do you all find the strength to go on and be strong for them?
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Judda is Dad getting any kind of anti anxiety medications. Just a little something might calm him enough. Is he living independently or with supervision and at what level. Can you take him out in the wheelchair and just walk around in the sun or do you think that would upset him to leave his room. has he got to the stage where he needs a higher level of care?
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