Hi everyone. I came online to do a search because I needed to find someone to talk to that understood. I ended up here.
Please understand that I'm new to this. I'm an only child. My parents live about an hour & 1/2 from me & my hubby. We have no children yet. I am very close to my parents. However, in the last 11 months or so, my feelings have really been thrown in every direction possible. My parents are both in their late 70's. Between the two of them, my mom is the one who's gown downhill the most in the past 2-3 yrs. She's diabetic, has bad arthritis in her back that affects her walking and has congestive heart failure. We were dealing w/that and everything was as well as could be expected. Then, about 2 yrs ago, she started falling. She did that 3 times and the last time was the worst. She got out of the hospital 3 days b4 Christmas last yr. She had meltdown on me when I told her daddy, hubby & I had everything taken care of as far as Christmas dinner. She went into this spill about how I should do everything myself bc they are old & sick. That came out of nowhere! My dad had health probs, but he was able bodied. Plus, HE volunteered to help. I would have never tried to put anything on him if I knew he couldn't do it. She then went on to tell me I don't care about them bc when I visit, I stay a good 2 hrs and leave. REALLY? Since when is arriving at the house @ 10 a.m. and leaving @ 7:00 after cleaning and cooking meals only TWO HOURS?! It really hurt my feelings and I was so upset that I didn't wanna go home for Christmas. I went on though but honestly, that was my very 1st Christmas that I didn't enjoy one bit. My gf said although its hard, just try to ignore it bc that's not her talking...its her illness. That was really hard to swallow. I walked on eggshells for a couple of months after that incident.
Things have been pretty good until recently. Now, my dad's health has gone downhill. He has prostate cancer & is now on a light chemo treatment for 6 wks. The dr. is hoping this will stop the growth. My dad is in really good spirits. He had a few rough days, but overall, he's doing ok. In the last month, my mom has really been giving me the blues. When I was @ home doing things for them 3 wks ago, she mentioned she's gonna have to call someone to come clean bc daddy just isn't able to do it anymore. After she kept falling, he pretty much took over all chores inside & out(except for when I go in to help). I gave her a confused look & told her she didn't need to do that bc I didn't mind coming to do it. Instead of being grateful, I got a snappy reply of, "well, you don't come weekly, so that's why I said we need someone." Okaaaaay. I let that go. Last week, she made another snappy comment about how she would like to have things done & go places but she knew there was no chance of me coming in town before Thanksgiving. So she was out of luck on that note. I calmly reminded her that she can always call me if she needs me and she knows that. I was hurt but I didn't cry w/her on the phone. The 3rd blow came this afternoon when I talked to her & dad. He had his treatment & said the dr. was pleased w/his progress. I get on the phone w/her and it was absolute dread & guilt that washed over me from the moment she said hi. She brought up having to call someone to come clean the house again. I told her I knew the house couldn't be THAT bad bc we just visited them 3 wks ago. I cleaned that day. They are not nasty, sloppy people. She popped off with, "well ALL YOU CLEANED was the bathroom..that's all you ever clean when you come." I felt my heart drop into my stomach & tears instantly formed. I pushed 'em back and told her she knew darn well I'd cleaned the whole kitchen along w/sweeping too bc she said she was appreciative of what I did. Now, all of a sudden, she forgets?!? On top of that, I cooked enough for them to have meals for two weeks. I was so hurt when I hung up w/her. I had already made plans to go home again this week, but honestly I dread it. I told my hubby that I don't understand. Here I am doing the best I can. I feel that I'm a good daughter. I'm sorry that I don't live in town or closer, but there's nothing I can do about that right now. I feel very unappreciated and sad. I have 2 friends who live in the same town and don't even try to do anything for their mothers. Here I am trying to balance taking care of them and my life as well and I feel like my mom can only think what i'm doing is not enough.
What can I do? I already feel guilty about not being able to be there in 20 or 30 min. I don't need any ADDITIONAL help from her. Why doesn't she realize I'm a good daughter? I'm so upset about this & its starting to affect me. I hardly sleep @ night and i've gained 10 pds bc of stress eating. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Does she have any other signs of dementia? Cause this sure sounds like some kind of cognitive impairment.
As for practical steps: You live too far to be her regular house cleaner. Dad can no longer do it. Next time she brings it up offer to help her find someone. Many caregivers on here would be THRILLED if they could talk their parents into accepting some outside help. Even if Mom turns it into a complaint about you, it is basically a sound idea that needs implementing. Yes, they need some homemaking help. Believe me, you'll have more than sufficient opportunity to help them in other ways over the years ahead! Embrace this willingness to bring in outside help with both hands! Don't let your own hurt feelings get in the way of taking this practical step.
It is awesome that you cook meals for them to heat up later. Great help! When Mom complains that you don't do anything for her, later in the conversation ask how she liked your such-and-such meal. Try not to take it personally that she doesn't remember or appreciate your efforts. Unless she has been like this all your life, it is the illness talking. Now, how about looking into Meals on Wheels? Not only is that a nutritious meal once a day that they don't even have to heat up, but it is someone coming to the house every day, someone to socialize with for just a few minutes. Your cooking efforts will go farther if they get some other meals provided.
While Mom is receptive to outside help, do either of them need a visiting nurse? Who manages their medications? Do you think they are doing well with that task? Can they still shower unassisted?
Your mother had a meltdown when she first got out of the hospital last year. Suddenly she had to accept that she couldn't do things she took for granted in the past. Maybe on some weird level it made her feel better to claim that you didn't do it right (because she couldn't do it at all). And now she faces another blow. Her husband has cancer. He can no longer do things she counted on him to do. Her life is spinning more out her control. She is frightened. Why she should take that out on you is a huge mystery. But I suspect her behavior has little to do with you and much to do with her fear, and possibly with early stage dementia.
If at all possible, drop the guilt. If you can't fully let go of it, push it way to the background and make decisions without consulting the guilt.
Know that you are a good daughter. Believe it. Talk to your girlfriend about it. Talk to your husband about it. Come here and post so we can tell you that you ARE a good daughter. None of that means as much as hearing your mother say it, but that just may not possible at this time. Whether she acknowledges it or not, you are a good daughter.