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I moved my 92 year old, visually impaired mother into my home. I used to get along with here so well. Now, I can't stand talking to her or being around her. I don't know why I feel so much contempt for her.

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Very normal. A small bit of resentment at having to provide so much care for someone who may be angry at you regardless of what you do. As in my mother there is probably a bit of manipulation on their part to induce guilt upon you. You have to just forgive because they do not know what they are doing. If they DO know what they are doing then "it is what it is" and you are doing your best. You are also very close to her now and each request at this age becomes demanding and you feel a loss of personal freedom. You need some personal time to get out for a day. Find a caregiver who can watch for you to take a long break and do something you really enjoy. You deserve it and have a right and need to relax. These things will help you because your "dislike" is probably more resentment. Rest assured you are NOT alone in your comments!
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Perhaps your mother has changed over the years. In my experience I found that as my mother aged she changed drastically. She became horribly manipulative, selfish, and spiteful. Her health was poor, but it had been poor from the time she reached her early forties (she died in her late 70s). She did not suffer from dementia at all. She just changed.

You say that you used to get along with her well. Does she seem the same way now as she did when you got along with her?

So it's possible that she, as did my mother, has had significant personality changes that have turned her from a person you liked into someone you don't and can't like. In that case it's she and not you who has brought about these unaccustomed feelings in you.
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Yikes! I know exactly how you feel!
My 90 year old mother irritates the heck out of me, staring at me, watching me, following me around sometimes. I hate it.
Perhaps we are unprepared for this caregiving role because of the very people we are caring for. My own life experiences with my mother were poor at best. She didn't have time for me, pushed me off on others for years, was completely unloving. We were never close, but partnered up when my kids were born. It was good but still lacked the roots that other women seem to have with their moms.
I broke the cycle with my own sons, and that was so healing. I was proud that I paid attention, did not strike out, didn't hurt and criticize.
Now she's reverting to her childish self and she is clingy. I feel smothered and surrounded.
So, maybe your true symbiotic relationship is revealed. Maybe she was stressed or angry or too tired to parent you, and that's why you feel the way you do. Go back to your early childhood and take a look, also look at hers. Ask her some question and keep her on topic and let her unwind some childhood stuff. You may be startled to hear the roots of her behavior now.
For me, never being allowed to cling, even as an infant, this clingy woman has no idea what she is asking me for.
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I'm so glad someone else has this problem. I was beginning to think I was the worst child in the world. I love my mother, I just don't like her anymore. At 91, she can lie like a teenager. She taught me to always say please and thank you. But she seems to have forgotten those words. I know it's not really her in that body anymore. I've felt that same contempt and a huge amount of guilt for it. But I'll start taking your advice mrtex01 and try to get out some. It's been over a year since I've done anything other than really fast errands. I was about to ask my doctor for something for anxiety. Maybe all I really need is a play day away from this house. Bobbi48128..I hope you get a break. If I lived close, I'd trade stop by and let you free for a while. Thanks you guys.
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Oh gosh, you are so right-- she doesn't say please or thank you, treats me like I'm her husband! I have to open doors (which she just walks thru and then let's them swing right back in my face) she can't even bring her house keys when we go out, so I have to open the door, carry all the stuff, etc etc. It's just plain rude! Maybe I'll start saying, "what do we say?" so she realizes how many times a day she ignores courtesy!
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Yes, give yourself time for you. You at least inherited long life genes. Perhaps your old age will be better. I think too many elderly are so self involved because that is all they have left. Sad, really. I always like to remember the daughter whose mother was mean and selfish until old age and dementia turned her into a sweetheart. Try meditation and yoga or tai chi for yourself.
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PS Tired in Oregon-- I'm tired in Oregon too!
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My mom has been in Nh since April. She has been going thru her trials and tribulations as an elderly person. Recently she keeps saying she has fallen. I don't know how it's possible to get herself off the floor. Family members and staff have assured me she's doesn't have the strength to pull herself up. She insist that she presses the call button and nobody comes to her beg and call immediately and because of her impatience she transfers herself from bed to wheelchair then to the toilet. Is this manipulation, delusional, facts .could it be that the mind imagines a fall or think of falling and believe that actually happened. She insists it happens, then when I ask you to share the fall to the NH nurse, her comments are"don't make a big deal". Falling is a big deal. Any suggestions? Thank you.
Very concern
Equinox
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Equinox, my mother went through a time of confabulation. She would tell a story that might have happened in some way, but change the timing and details of the story, usually casting herself in a competent role. After she created the new story, it replaced the old story as truth in her mind. She still believes that on the day my father died, she ran up and down the hospital halls, looking for a doctor, and that my father died quickly, squeezing her hand when he left. She tells how she checked his pulse and knew he was gone. None of this happened. My father ate a hearty meal, then went immediately into death rattles. I thought he might be choking, so I called the nurse. She told me what it was, so we stayed with him 1-2 hours until he passed. My mother was really out of it, since she had taken too much lorazepam. I don't correct her story, though, since she takes comfort in her imagined scenario. It was much more romantic than what really happened.

People can imagine a reality and to them it can become the truth. I have a feeling the people at the facility are right in saying she would have to have help getting up. Your mother probably created the story, but to her it is true.
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Mom hides everything and she thinks I took it. She is good at it, as I can't find a lot of her things anymore. She never left the house and now her purse is gone. Seems like we are always looking for something. I so pity her because she was always strong and just looks at me with hatred sometimes. And I love her, but I am tired myself.
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Oh, these feelings are so natural.and normal. I feel them too - definitely resentment, feeling "put upon", etc., etc. I never wanted kids - don't do well around them - and here I am, caring for a 92 y/o toddler who can still push my buttons if she remembers how (and why IS it that she can remember that but nothing else? :) )

I thought I had a clue what it would be like - I gave up everything and moved across country to care for her; she will NOT allow anyone else in the house - but I really had no idea how isolating it is to be here, how lonely.

Fortunately, she's in pretty good shape right now, which DOES allow me to get out for an afternoon here or there...but without friends to share that time with, it's not so enjoyable, really.

But do what you can to get yourself out and about. Is there an adult day-care nearby that you could try? (I've tried, my mom won't go but maybe yours would)

Good luck to you and all of us. :)
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Oh man! I really felt so guilty because I have those same feelings. mom and i have had a pleasant relationship thru the years...i had never lived near her since i left for college. Now, 40 yrs later i had her move in with my family. Big mistake! I should have had her move close by in her own space. She does not have dementia and is totally recovered from the illness that caused this move. Just this morning she was upset with me because there was a cloth napkin on the floor under the dining room table and I had not picked it up yet and she had TOLD me it was there. I was so perplexed, why didn't she just pick it up? She wants me to wait on her and acts like such a pathetic victim if I don't respond to her the way she wants. She speaks in baby talk sometimes and acts in ways I would not accept from real children. I work in a skilled care facility with elders who are senile and frail. I love my job, but some how mom can irritate me! i don't get it!!! I guess a mother/daughter relationship comes with baggage! sigh. It eats ;me up inside because I want her to get her own place in a senior community, but she is adamantly against that. She wants to live with me. It is hard to change the situation with out tremendous ( and I suspect irreparable harm) stress. Some days I am better than others. I do get breaks, but I feel guilty for wanting my private life back. I feel selfish.
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Very understandable, elderly parents can be most difficult, try to be mindful, your mom, is still your mom, and will always forever be your mom, eventhough you are an adult. Caretaking is hard work, emotional at times, stressful at times, and can cause resentment at times. However, one has to consider the fact that at 92 one is not as spry as if they were 50. There is a whole different train of thought going through your mom's mind. Fear, insecurity, humiliation, helplessness, lonelyness, and other more complicated feelings only your mother can identify, if that is even possible. People at 20, 30,40, 50, 60, etc., have problems expressing their deepest insecurities, so you have to practice mindfulness for both your, and you mon's emotional and physical well-being. As I suggest to everyone, contact your local caregiver alliance organization, every county has one, go to their caregiver meetings, they are free. They also have counseling for free, or scaled. There are a valuable resource to every single family caregiver, or othewise. Whole families can get involed, I assure you.
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Thanks for all the input! Good to know I'm not a terrible person, I feel so guilty sometimes for feeling this way. I think it's a combination of things. Being the only sibling and having no one to help...seeing her age and change....seeing all the flaws I never saw before...lack of privacy...invasion of space.....her simple inability to accept my advise and/or see things from my prospective. I wish she could have her own apartment, but I just don't think it's best considering her handicap.
So good to know I am not alone.
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Thanks JessieBelle,
Today she remembered details from two years ago. And a nurse today said to me she has been able to transfer from chair to commode. I carefully explained to my mom that it's okay to do it byyourself as long as you have your aide nearby. I wonder what part of that sentence she's going to remember. I should of left out "by yourself" in the sentence.
The NH is decorated with Christmas decoration, and everyday she asks if it's Christmas.
Equinox
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Cindy S. and Bobby48128 bothof you are not alone. I have those feelings myself Fiduciarywatch has great advice. Reach out and give them a call. hugs to you both.
Equinox
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Cindy S. and Bobby48128 bothof you are not alone. I have those feelings myself Fiduciarywatch has great advice. Reach out and give them a call. hugs to you both.
Equinox
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I am glad that I am not alone in these thoughts. I love my Mom, have had a fairly good relationship with her but she irritates me to no end. I have been her caregiver for over a year and what drives me most crazy is the staring, following me around and her need for constant attention. She has all the behaviors spoken of in the above responses, confabulation, baby talk ect...... What helped me most was just simple acceptance. She is not the woman she used to be and I am not a teenager who has to respond to her like she has the final say. In many ways I am now the adult and she has become the child. So when she tries to pull the parent guilt stuff on me I just have to be aware that this is not 40 years ago even if in her mind it is. When I am trying to do my little part time job that I do from home she is constantly interrupting me with stupid questions and attention seeking behavior. Now I close my door when I am working and if the next step is putting a lock on it that is what I will do. Setting boundaries with your parent is hard but necessary in keeping your sanity. You also need time away from her and her demands but in my experience I have to fight for time. At first I was hesitant about seeking help from my sibs and other family members but no more. I will not be able to be her caregiver if I do not get some time to reboot myself so the 1 or 2 nights off a month is an absolute necessity in my life. Good luck to us all and happy holidays.
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I totally agree w/ Hadenough. My Mom follows me around, and I constantly hear her calling, "Where are You???" Sometimes when I'm right THERE in the room, and she comes out of her apt connected to our place, she starts calling out for me before she even stops to see that I'm I'm right there. It is so frustrating, smothering, and threatens to drive me crazy. I put up big signs on an easel right in front of the door where she comes out.....I'M TAKING A BATH, or I'M WORKING IN MY ROOM, etc. She strolls right by the easel....she has to move it out of her way.....which she does. When I say, "MOM, didn't you see the sign I left you??" She responds, "What sign? I didn't see a sign." I know she sees the signs/notes I leave her. She just doesn't care. She demands my attention at all times. Even when I'm clearly ON THE PHONE, talking to someone, she interrupts, and talks to me or asks me questions. I can't have a minute to myself. I love my Mom dearly, but I'm on the brink of losing it. I can't stand clinginess. I feel so sad this is happening. I could never bring myself to put her somewhere.....like a Memory Care Place. She would be devastated. She'd be confused beyond belief. But, I just don't know how I can keep my own sanity together. The "reboot" is definitely a necessity. I have to do that as well. It really does help. I just have to do it more frequently. I know they don't mean to or want to be this way. They have just reverted to toddler-ism. And I'm just not in the mood for toddlers. My own life is swiftly deteriorating, and I feel like I don't have that much time left to enjoy. It's a tremendous sacrifice. I feel trapped, with no way out. :( Happy Holidays to everyone. :)
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I can relate to every one of these scenerios. It amazing how things change. I have had my 75yo mother, living with me for the last 6yrs. She was my best friend for life. Now, not so much. I have truly mourned the loss of my mother. I am just taking care of the leftover. She has no social skills. She is no longer worried about hygeine. She is rude, manipulative, needy and dillutional. I have no time to myself and she requires my undivided attention. I spent three days with chest pains. That's when it really kicked in. I need to let go. I now don't care anymore. I do what I have to do and let go of any negativity. I have and still am doing the best I can do. Probly more than most. But, now she is being rude and mean to me. I don't deserve, nor will I take it. She raised me to be strong. So, she brought this on herself. Its my version of "tough love". I suggest to the rest of you....stay strong. Give it to God and find some inner peace. You are not a bad child for having these feelings. I have found I love all my friends and except as many invites out as I can. I have really enjoyed dinner by myself. And my connection to my family is awesome. I sneak away and go visit them by myself. Its hard to except these feelings. But, I promise, in the end.....all those feelings wont matter. You still loved your parent.
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you don't dislike your mother, you dislike the situation.
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mcd2020 - excellent point.
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My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship, so becoming her caretaker has been very difficult. I was an only child, and the center of her universe as a stay-at-home mother without much to stay at home to do, so I learned early that her happiness relied on me.

When my parents divorced and she was left in dire financial straits, I stayed with her in my childhood home, and then later, after she foolishly sold that house - a house with no mortgage on it!! - she ended up in debt in her new house and spent every penny she earned and relied on me to bail her out. When she got to retirement age, she couldn't afford to live on her own, and my husband and I bought a house that would have room for her in it - separate from us, because she's not easy to live with.

She has her own apartment in our house, and while she has dementia, she's fairly independent - except for the not bathing and not cleaning, the latter I do when my husband takes her out to lunch or to go site-seeing for a couple of hours. I'm getting her signed up with an organization that does in-home care, which Medicare/Medicaid will pay for, allegedly - I find out more later this week. She is not going to like that one bit - someone coming in to check on her, to tell her she's not changing her clothes (and who won't just say, "OK, whatever you say, mom" like I do when she RAVES that YES! She does bathe daily!!!), so it's going to be very stressful around her for the next few months as whatever services she can get are put into operation.

AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, I feel all the resentment and anger that you all have expressed (and am relieved to see I'm not alone in feeling this way), but I feel awful that a more nurturing, caring side of me hasn't emerged to deal with her. I do love her, and when people have been mean or uncaring (friends just FLED when she started becoming a bore to talk to), I feel real defensiveness on her behalf. I feel bad for her that her life has amounted to this - but the fact that her life has become MY responsibility is a major source of resentment. All the poor financial decisions she made are why she's in my house and won't be able to get into a nursing home when things get worse. And her personality - quite haughty and prideful and she, too, makes up stories that fix and fill in all the holes in her memory and apply a lovely golden haze to most events - is really a chore to deal with. Just saying that feels wrong, though I can't imagine anyone else not being annoyed by it.

I'm glad this forum exists so we don't all feel so isolated. None of my friends are in my situation - the ones whose parents have lost their minds have money and the parent is therefore not literally underfoot. It makes a HUGE difference.
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Oh my! I don't have an answer except that you are not alone! I feel this way too most of the time. My father is 90 and in mid stages of Alzheimer's yet he can be manipulative and very cunning when he wants to but can't do simple tasks. He creates his own reality and most of the time I am to blame for every ill that has come his way since we bought a house and moved in together. Like others here, he belongs in an ALF with a memory unit but insisted that we needed a house but he is now isolating himself and getting more and more depressed. He has revoked the POA's my uncle and I had so we are helpless to do anything for him. I am just watching him make financial mistakes and other bad decisions and can't do a thing about it.

I wish you the best as well as the rest of us here.
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Been there. ... My mother would smear my reputation with neighbors, chase off potential girlfriends, turn my kids against me, and talk behind my back all the time. I used to tell her there'd be 2 coffins at her funeral; the largest one for her tongue. She also had such a gossipy, potty mouth that I sometimes dreamed of stapling her lips together. Boy was I resentful! ... But I strove to find a way to forgive and retain a place in my heart for her. We're getting together at my oldest sister's on Dec. 24th. I'll let you know what happens.
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I am glad everyone was able to be honest and say how they feel. It makes me feel better. As for me, I don't like my Mom so much b/c she has had dementia for so long and all this time she has yelled at me at least once a week. I am tired of being yelled at for so long. I am talking about 30-40 years. Yes, that long.
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Every answer is a sign that the parent should be at an assisted living facility. Often parents do much better away from their children and involved with others taking part in a myriad of activities. And the children are much more loving and attentive.
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I learned that if I begin to feel resentment I must begin to set better boundaries so the resentment doesn't continue. It's a good idea to look into personal and household care aides that health insurance may cover, or some free aides through office of the aging. There may be more options in your community as well. Sometimes state insurance can be added to present health insurance that will cover home health aides too.
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i so appreciate the honesty everyone has shared, i feel so much better reading that i am not the only one. i sneak out and get small breaks for myself, i still work and have odd schedules so i use that to my advantage some times to get away. mom isn't sure whether i am working or not. thank God she can manage to stay by herself still for a while. but we also laugh a great deal, even at her. she is so angry at her situation and i get the brunt of it. usually i can make it turn around and be funny and she will laugh. every morning i am wonderful and every night i am the worst person in the world. there are times we are still the best of friends but most of the time i am getting a teenager ready for a prom, drama drama drama. luckily i have a very supportive group of sibllings. also we have a council on aging that picks mom up every morning mon-fri and she is gone from 6 a.m. to about 1pm. this provides a lot of structure for her and breakfast and lunch. she complains but she goes because it makes it easier on me. even though she would never admit it, she enjoys going too, the staff is wonderful and the activities are great. she has choice as to whether to participate and she's made friends. sometimes she can just go and fuss about me. she has even made play dates with people on the weekends through the friendships she's made over there. i would recommend it to anyone. i have had to have tough love to keep her going. i had to get the staff not to give them the phone number at the center so she can't cancel her bus ride. she has dementia and has had undiagnosed bipolar disorder all her adult life so she can be quite a handful. i use every trick in the book to keep her going. its been a godsend.
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What timing in finding this post here just now!!

I just came up from my mom's apartment (she has an apt on the first floor of my house) still reeling from a go-round about her trash. It's trash night, and I had already put my bags in the big rolling cans we keep in the alley earlier in the day. When my husband and I got home this evening, I stopped by her back door to ask if she had any trash to go out, and she said no, she'd already taken it out. I didn't believe that, so I made an excuse to go into her apartment where I found that her recyclables (lots of not-very-well-rinsed cans of cat food, diet coke bottles, etc... were still under her sink and she had half-used cans of cat food under inverted mugs on her counter top.

When I started cleaning that up and asked her to PLEASE stop leaving opened cans of cat food on the sink, to serve the whole can, rinse it, and then put any food the cats don't eat down the sink, she said "That's what I do!" and looked at me like I'M the one who has dementia and proceeded to pitch a serious fit that I was cleaning things up. If I don't do it myself, she doesn't do it, and then I find her drinking coffee out of a mug used to cover up a can of cat food. She weighs nearly nothing, so a bout of food poisoning would not be good - not to mention she's stopped cleaning her bathroom, so... ANYWAY. It devolved into her saying I spend all my time trying to make her feel bad, how I want her out of my house, how I regret her moving in with us, etc... and how SHE'S the only one who does ANY work around the house.

I sit there and take it, and then ask her to just please be more cooperative, that if I am trying to help her keep her apartment clean and safe, not to fight me. She acts like she has no idea what I'm talking about and then lists all the things she does around the house, none of which she does anymore. Then when I go to leave, she says, in a little baby girl voice, "Well, good night..." like I wasn't going to say good night and it's odd that I'm leaving. She can't manage to remember to wash her freakin' hair, but she can remember how to be a manipulative child when she wants to. It's amazing.

So... why do I not like my mother? Because the mother I liked is gone. This shell of who she was remains, and I love her, but I don't like her. It feels awful to say it, but it's true. We'll have to resort to subterfuge and my husband will have to take her out on errands and to get lunch so I can sneak in and clean. And if she can't manage feeding her cats, I can take all the cans upstairs and just go feed them twice a day for her. She'll hate it, but I'm not going ot make them pay for her problems. They deserve a clean litter box and regular feedings. She loves them and they keep her company, so I won't ever remove them from her apartment, but I'm not going to let my mother's tantrums keep me from keeping the cats fed and cared for and the apartment clean. I need a thicker skin.
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