I'm so thankful I found this website, I've asked several questions here and I feel like this is the only place where people understand me and here I am again... In my last question I talked about our situation, me and my mom have been my grandma's only caregivers for 6 years ( she has dementia ), her two other kids don't care and we are at a breaking point, the situation is unbearable, my mother had a really serious heart attack two years ago, I'm mentally ill, there's no way we can take care of my grandma when we are extremelly sick as well. My grandmother now needs care 24/7, there are many sleepless nights and recently my mother started showing signs of all the stress that this situation causes. My mother rented an appartment for the two of us, her idea was to leave my grandma here in her own home and try to make her brother and sister come by more often and find a way to solve this solution TOGETHER, my mother is tired of doing everything by herself, she's not an only child. She called them to announce that we would be leaving by the beginning of August and that my grandma would be alone from then on, do you think they cared? No, they just said " You can go, we'll take care of it later. " It's been one week and a half since they last talked and not even a phone call or a visit to ask if grandma was already alone or not, I'm disgusted with their attitude. We haven't moved yet because there were some issues in my new room that are getting fixed but we will probably move in less than two weeks and I'm scared to leave my grandma here by herself. I thought about staying with my grandma but my mother told me I should go with her, that this wasn't my responsability, I somewhat agree with her and I don't want to stay here, I want to have the chance to start a new life but at the same time the guilt feelings won't leave me alone, I'm always thinking what if something happens to my grandma? I would always feel like it was my fault because I wasn't here... I already contacted the social services but so far no answer, my mother told me she will call them tomorrow, we will see. I just want a regular life like my cousins, they have their job, their own house, they travel, they meet people, I never had the chance to do any of that, I feel like I've wasted my youth and the worst thing is that my own family never recognized my efforts and I can see that they clearly don't care if I have a life or not, they just want a maid to spare them from all the hard work and problems.
Some answers got me a little bit sad though, I'm trying not to think of myself as mean or selfish because it makes things harder, it really hurts when someone calls me that. I need medical care and constant supervision too, it's not only my grandma who needs it, my mother is taking care of two people all by herself. When she goes to work I stay at home with my grandma for almost 8 hours, as I've said before I have schizophrenia, there's no way I can take care of anyone, I don't even know how to take care of myself properly... I also don't feel like I have to take care of my grandma because she took care of me when I was a baby, people shouldn't compare that, it's not the same thing. I took care of my grandma for this long because I love her and that should be enough. It seems like things are a little bit different in my country, we don't have the resources most of you talk about here, all we have is the social services and they were already contacted and know what's going on. Someone asked why my grandma is still living here with us and not in a NH, she's still here because my mother always thought she would be able to help my grandma until the end, even after my mother's heart attack she took care of my grandma and a NH never crossed her mind, unfortunately things didn't go as planned, my mental health started to get worse a few months ago, my mother started to feel some of the same symptoms she had before the heart attack and she told me that she's going to die very soon if she stays here. I was the one who contacted social services, my mother has a severe depression, she has episodes where she's really violent, she's a shadow of what she used to be and when I try to talk to her about my grandmother's situation she just says she has done all she could do, it's up to the rest of the family now. Can I blame her? Of course not, she even confessed she has been thinking about suicide lately, if leaving a situation behind to try to survive means we are mean then that's what we are.
Rhonda
http://archrespite.org/
http://www.helpguide.org/elder/respite_care.htm
1- does she own her home or have monetary assets that the family will inherit
2.-does she have a POA
3- what level of care does she require so you know how much $$ she will need to provide that cost ( in home, assisted living, nursing home)
4- does she have medical conditions or medications that need to be handled and how often (home care costs change based on the type of service that is needed and how often) ex. nursing assistant vs. a nurse for meds and treatments
5- does she allow you to manage her money
6- how much flack from the family will you get with her money decisions
these are just a few I ran into myself. Hope this helps.
Also, ideally if the doctor can get her hospitalized for evaluation for 3 days she will be covered by medicare in a nursing home for 100 days and in that time they can qualify her for medicaid if she can not afford to stay on with private pay.
If she has assets/home you really should get the advice of an elderlaw attorney before you do anything. Medicaid can have her home if a spouse is not remaining in the community.
When guilt plays a roll there will not be peace in your heart. It may be time to make sure she is cared for so you can back away and feel good about it.
Whether you decide to take her to hospital (they would need to admit her for 3 days before she could go to a nursing home and be covered by medicare) or get social services or office of the aging or look for placement yourselves, you should make your plan. Just leaving is tempting but will make it hard for you to sleep at night.
You have brought up many issues. I wrote a book to help other caregivers and potential caregivers. The book features stories from 35 caregivers. Most of the information you have given about your family's situation is addressed in the book. I honestly think it would give you some good ideas for you and Mom. I think you are a great kid for your love and compassion, your ability to see the bigger picture, and your desire to want to do something about it.
Barbara M., author
You can't give your life for her. She would not want that. You've already given more than enough. Read through the ideas that people have posted, know that we are behind you and take action. Please keep us posed on your well being.
Carol
Contact her doctors and a lawyer, arrange for a nursing home placement if she needs constant care. However, the family (all the family) should visit her and make sure she gets as good a nursing placement she can get given her health needs and finances. If it is a Medicaid placement, it will be difficult to keep her in a nice facility.
Your grandmother is lucky to have your help, it is just time due to your own health needs to give up the primary 24/7 care. You both did your best when you could. If the others will not offer to care for her and spare her a placement--it is what it is. It is not uncommon for children to walk away, it takes love, money and lots of fortitude to be successful with home care. Just file the fact that your
aunts and uncles and their children are not dependable when in need of help.
Make sure you and your mother do not depend upon them for help in the future with your own health needs.
Take this switch over of your mother's care one step at a time. Good luck.
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The individual who receives the power to do something on the part of another person is called the agent, or attorney-in-fact
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