I'm living in a manipulative, exhausting war zone of caregiving. Any advice?

I like Steve Dunwoody's approach: he shoots from the hip. :-) W

After almost eight months of having my mother move in with my husband and I we still struggle with bouts of anger and resentment towards my siblings. I practice forgiveness every day. It is the only way to let go of expectations, and feelings of disappointment. I do not want to be resentful. My siblings will always see this situation in their way and justify their behavior in one way or another, they will not change. The only thing I have control over is my reaction so it serves me to constantly let them and their words and behavior go.
Each of our situations is different but similar in that we (the caregivers) all stepped up to help our parent and some of us did not get the support we thought our siblings would help with. Letting them go without shame or blame can serve us and the parent we are wanting to help.
Take good care...

I fear we tend to think our situations to death. Trying so hard to understand why our parents and siblings are the way they are. My sister is worthless. If she was charged with looking after my mother, my mom would probably be dead in three days -- and want to be! In the end, the "Why" doesn't matter. The only thing that does is taking care of yourself. Understanding has never brought peace of mind. Only forgiveness does, and the first person to start with ---- is yourself.

I like this guy Dunwoody's approach very much! :-) W

You are not responsible for other people's choices. Do as much as you can, but take care of yourself first. That means do not accept abuse from anyone, the parents the spouse or the siblings.

Yes, Dunwoody has discovered that boundaries work. You cannot control anyone else. You don't succeed. You have to deal the hand you are dealt. There are deadbeats in every family and pretenders and the trouble makers. Just because they are your blood they are to be perfect? I'm just grateful I didn't have family to deal with, but I had other issues that boundaries were extremely important for my sanity.

Dunwoody is right. Quick thinking things to death. You may find a life outside those thoughts! ;)

GSW - I love the idea that someone else is a late bloomer, at 64..... I'm 69, and feel as if it's finally my time....! what I'm learning at last, is to take time to step back, and realize I need lots of time to sift and regroup. You can get away from some of the demands if you learn a few catch phrases for your mom - like "Good idea. I'll write that "partial denture" on my list, thanks. Anything else?" Or change the subject, say you're making a list, and end on a positive note, no matter what, and hang up. Then unplug the phone for long enough for you to have good breaks - overnight, or in mornings, etc. The more you run yourself down to help, the more vulnerable you feel and she is in the habit of turning to you with her anxieties.

I also got some perspective and value of my own goals when I wrote out my life story and showed it to someone, like where I went and when and why - and it helped me see my unique value and interests. With that clearer in my mind, and some help from Al Anon for contacts, and even just trust in a universe that makes sense and we all grow - I am taking more time in between jumping into new challenges, making time to add my real goals to my plans, even if they might take some planning and preparation. I don't think it's any waste of time to help one's family, but if you are waiting for the moment when they say "thanks, that's enough", you'll have a long wait. Just figure you are doing your part and that's enough, add more positives and some fun to your meetings, and set your own schedule. Is there not a Council on Aging or some other senior center where you can locally find someone to help YOU, in sorting out worries about helping HER.. some of those illnesses will be real, but most can wait until your regular visit....

Hmmm this must be the slap in my face I needed. I have been putting my life on "hold". I have not been the "full" person I can be. I have always thought, I can't because of mom. Well, I cant number her days. Nor can I number my own. My real problem is she lives with me. She has become very dependant upon me. However, I have had many opportunities laid out in front of me. I have not been able to fully act upon them. If it wasnt for her health then it was her "doubting thomas" attitude that discouraged me. I am a 50yr old woman, with a younger woman inside wanting to burst out and have some adventurous living. Soooo with that said, how does one get over the guilt of stepping away? Yet I want to be there to help her through her final stages. Ugh...what's a girl to do? Any suggestions?

The guilt is a tough one to overcome. and I think a great question. My mother was narcissistic. That in itself is a whole other issue. But she left me many times trying hard to get me to feel guilty. She'd even come up with illnesses to make me come by her side like I did for dad.

In order to get past guilt, you have to do one other step. You have to put boundaries in place. For me I would do choice (a), but not choice (b). And when she finally passed, I had no regrets. When I went back and examined everything, I realized I went to the top of the mountain with her. I do not regret any choice I made or how I handled situations. How miserable she was - was her choice, NOT mine. How she behaved was her choice. Dad let her act certain ways, not me.

I realized I also did my responsibility. I realized I completed my oath as her Power of Attorney when I read that contract. I protected her legally and financially and made sure the scum family that was trying to feed off of her, regardless of how mom earned it through her own actions, I protected her.

So I realized I went to the top of the mountain with her at every level. I didn't like it, and I wish she never would have done that to me, but its over and I can live with every aspect of it. I don't cry for her like I do for my father, but I've learned on all sides.... boundaries are okay. It was for my sanity. She could be as miserable as she wanted, but it was not going to be me who was miserable if I could help it.

Caring for her still affected my health, but I'm able to readjust a bit. But that story in itself is long. Think boundaries and don't feel guilty. That's half the battle. ;)

Oh, I know the answer to this one : Have another beer! :-) W

@frequentfliertx, my calmer was a margarita at times. ;)

cscstle, I relate to your dilemma - "if it wasn't for her health then it is her "doubting thomas" attitude" - to me this issue has two parts, and you are right to note that her days are numbered and yours are also . On the one hand, you want to be sure your mom gets the care she needs, so there are routine demands and surprises, which can disrupt any planning of yours. On that score, seems to me you might make a list, over a week or two, then look at the list and see what you can delegate - and work to do that. On the other hand, the "doubting thomas" - I relate to that, and find that issue trickier. In my case it relates to my own organizational confusion over following up on my own interests - maybe hard to decide, hard to estimate one's energy, hard to focus, and one reason we are good at caregiving, is that it is at least a clearly defined focus, of someone else's real needs. We don't have to juggle different choices over what's important and end up feeling a bit lost and disconnected outside the home. I find that a struggle, even when I have much more time now that my brother's care is stabilized. Just keeping track of paperwork for many options is another challenge. This should be a new topic, but I haven't yet figured out how to phrase it or start a new topic - that is one of the options I haven't figured out yet - among many! Maybe follow two activities in one season - the need is to build other routines, to develop our involvement.

@mitzipinki: that'll work :-) W

As some of you have read my blog in December 2012: " What are the emotional affects on Senior daughters taking care of Narcissistic Senior Mothers?" My mother came to California from Chicago so that we could spend time together. She is 85 years old. The stay was suppose to be for about 3 months, well it only lasted 2 months. It was hell on wheels. I have not lived with my mother since I was 23 years old. Needless to say, she was belligerent, nasty, vile and down right mean. Not only to me but to people in general. I always knew she had a nasty side to herself and she also was physically abusive in my childhood. Well, to make a long story short, the last week of her stay she locked herself in her bedroom and came out only when she saw fit. In the mean time I started to search on line and found this site, it was a lifeline for me. I had many people give me support and I really appreciated their kind words.
Update: 3/9/13
It has been now 2 months since my mother left. The ride to the Airport was excruciating because there was not a word spoken. All I could think of during her stay is how she said to me "I wish you were never born and you are a bastard." Mind you, I spent every day with her and tried to make her as comfortable as possible and yet I could do anything right. She also said to me in one of her mood swings "You have no idea how much I hate you" and all because in her words "you never agree with me, you are always against me" my response is simply, "I don't have to agree with you, I have my opinion and I'm entitled to it" If I did not agree with her observation, opinion or suggestion I was against her and that was the whole battleground. If my mother had dementia I could understand it, but my mother is mentally sharp, perhaps not as much, but she still knows what she is doing. As soon as I dropped her off at the airport, I drove away and took a deep breath, because I believe that I would never see her alive ever again. I came home and I started to clean everything she touched. I cleaned, washed sheets, dusted and wiped everything. I even shampooed the carpet, all in one day. I wanted everything back the way it was. I then called her later in the evening to see if she got home ok, she did and she sounded quit nice, not the woman I dropped off. At that point I hung up and make a conscious decision not to talk to her again. I needed space and I learned a lot from this site: Limit Communication. She called me several times and when I saw on my telephone her number, I did not answer. she then attempted to call me on my Birthday in February, as soon as I picked up the house phone (no ID caller) I realized it was her, I hung up. She called again, I hung up. She never called again. I can not talk to her. I don't know what to say. I have nothing in common with this woman, other then she gave birth to me. I received a Birthday card, I did not open it until a week later, because I thought if she put money in the envelope I was going to send it back, because if I kept it she would assume all was well. No money and I did not respond. Then about a week ago I receive another envelope. I open it and she begins to say: How she tried to write 3 times but each time she threw the letter away because she doesn't know how to begin. She stated that she was sooo sooo sooo sorry for what happen and she realizes it is all her fault and not to be angry with her. She went on and on how she is old and sick and she could not help her self. She also stated she tried to call but now she doesn't want to because she is afraid I will hang up. She ends the letter by stating " I love you more then you know "
I hate the letter. I hate how she is trying to reel me back in. I'm still working thru the hurt she has left me with and mostly I'm sad that I have a mother who is Narcissistic to the core and there is nothing I can do about it, other then stay away from her because I know once she reels me back in, she will pounce on me again. When I read the comments of men and women who take care of their Senior parents, I feel very sorry for them and I made a decision that I was not going to take care of my mother. I think to put myself in a care taker situation is detrimental to my health and being that I got a dose what it would be like, I will have to bow out and do the selfish thing, I need to take care of me. I think if I took care of my mother she would put me in to the grave first. I'm not a stranger to be a care taker, I did that for my mother in law for 17 years, the last 3 years were when she had Alzheimer, but my mother in law was a sweetheart, she was kind and a sweet sweet woman, I loved her very much and I did not mind taking care of her. It's those mothers and fathers who are mean and extremely abusive that need to be handled by strangers, not people who love them, that is way to much of a burden and extremely emotionally draining. Nope, I can't do it. She will die alone and be with strangers, she does not deserve me. I'm not willing to be a sacrificial lamb. We have one life and it isn't easy as it is and to allow our self to be abused is not want I would do or would recommend, even if they are my mother or father, especially if they were mean all their lives. You get what you sow. My children are begging me if my mother dies, not to go to her funeral, so that I can feel free. My children do not talk to her for years, because she is mean and meddles in everyone ones lives. Did I say "You reap what you sow?"
To all who are reading this and have to take care of a mean spirited Senior............. My condolences and I wish you all the strength you can muster up.
Midwest

Like you, I have found myself in the middle of a family war zone. Having been the peacemaker all of my life in a very chaotic family, I became the target. My counselor has finally suggested that I "divorce" everyone except my mother. I am in the process of doing so. I refuse to argue with anybody and remove myself from stressful situations.I usually suggest that we talk when everyone can talk calmly (as I leave the area). Living in constant stress is not worth it. It made me very ill, and I know my husband and child deserve more from me. Take care and use us to vent....

Hats off to you... My mothers miserable choices are hers as well. Not mine. She didn't have to end up in a wheelchair. She didn't have to let her feet go to hell because she was to lazy and dependant on everyone to "get it together" for her. I swear that woman will put me in a mental institution from being such a nightmare. BITCH.... BITCH.... 24/7.... Spending time with her is like being in hell. I don't feel guilty anymore. I do what I can. She is more exhausting work than anyone could handle. When I see her number on the call display I feel physically sick because I know there is ANOTHER problem for me to deal with. I may have no choice but to have her removed from her home and placed in care. My aunt and uncle are useless. They just want to go to Vegas and gamble and to hell with their family in times of need. When this is all over, I will have no regrets because I did what I could...... AMEN.........

Well I can appreciate the venting but this thread was seeking to look for advice when dealing with a manipulative, exhausting war zone of caregiving.

I think we are discovering that it is okay to say no to things or situations. Even though I distanced myself from the people who caused me great stress, including my mother, I put boundaries down, but I never stopped caring for her as a human being. I did not look at her as my mother. She wished me dead and so at that point it becomes that way with a dysfunction and insane family. Just because they are blood doesn't mean they are right. You can love them as a human, but you have every right to distance yourself or provide caregiving at a distance if necessary.

Get out of it as soon as possible. I have scars on my wrist because of a childhood of useless dysfunctional parents. Too many adult children attempt or committ suicide to get away from these parental vipers that suck the life out of them. I chose not to become my elderly parents collateral damage ever again. Take the hands off approach to caregiving and if a NH is your mothers future, so be it.

Agreed.......

My advice is.......Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun....... if the parent is narcissistic, mean spirited and abusive. Period!

Keep drinking heavily LOL :-) W

At least she lives far away. So sad for Midwest but glad you found the site and feel free to vent about the situation. When I read of the visit that your Mother had with you it just screamed narcissistic personality disorder all the way to her locking herself in the room ( did she punish u enough - haha.) You are very wise to know that your being her caregiver would be a disaster for all involved. Just because they are our Mothers does not mean they don't suffer from a personality disorder. Too bad we are usually in our later years before we realize it is them and not us that have the real problem.