My situation is I am caring for my aging mother, age 87, in my home which is shared by my roommate. I have been there for my mother all of her life. She used to live in another state, independently, but as a result of open heart surgery during May 2009, and consequently being ventilator dependent and suffering from countless facility acquired infections (Sepsis/C-diff/MRSA), she finally was able to be discharged during October 2011 to our home. Throughout the time she was in one facilty after another, I was there for her. Initially she was at Pittsburgh for her sugery and when discharged to another facility I had her transferred closer to our home in Maryland. This has been a nightmare in terms of all that I have experienced. She came to Maryland to a skilled nursing facility during September 2009, but I then had to have her sent out three times to a hospital and finally had her transferred to a chronic care facility at Baltimore,which is 33 miles from my home. Nonetheless, after work I would travel the 33 miles to Baltimore to see that her needs were met and for companionship. I work full-time and am 62 years old. I have a roommate who is very important to me. I have known her for 13 years and my mother is simply jealous of our relationship. I have tried to be candid with my mother and ask only one thing....that she please show respect and kindness to my roommate. My mother never owns her disrespectful behavior. In fact, most recently my roommate returned from an out of town trip, and while I was at work, stepped into my mother's room to say hello. My roommate reported to me that my mother made it very obvious her return was not welcome and she was simply rude. So, my roommate and I have been seeing a counselor to try to deal with all of this rudeness and negativity and the counselor advised my roommate to stay out of my mother's room and I could not agree more. My roommate has a very vivacious personality. She is friendly and has helped me get my mother settled in our home. My roommate gave up her office space on the lower level of our home for my mother. My roommate has rearranged my mother's room, has done her laundry, has bought her a closet for her room, etc. I made it clear to my mother that if she doesn't like my roommate, can't she at least act nice to her because my roommate does not have any parents and had hoped that my mother could learn to love her. I am so angry at my mother. I take her to her mobile home in Pennsylvania from Maryland once a month so that she can visit her family, who by the way are of absolutely no help to me, and so that she may have a quality of life. My mother is stable physically and has no dementia. I keep continual tabs on her medical care. I do it all. I do have in-home assist while I work five days a week. I have told my roommate to not to anything further for my mother. So I am sandwiched between two people whom I have done nothing but show kindness/assist to. My mother is a negative person. She never had friends nor wanted any. She never has shown me any willingness to embrace any relationships I have to include with my Goddaughter. She is a jealous person. Shame on her. I asked her once Mom, don't you want me to have anyone in my life someday if you pass first? She never got along with any neighbors in Pennsylvania; she never became close to my inept brother's wife, etc. Me on the other hand is not like my mother. I know how to set boundaries but I would never be so selfish. I am a people person and I feel I deserve to have my roommate in my life. She and I plan on growning old together if she doesn't simply leave some day due to having to deal with a negative, mean-spirited old woman (my mother.) I have seen traits in my mother, now that I live with her, that just disgust me. But, like so many of you, I will continue to care for her but it is just so sad to have a mother whose daughter (me) took her on wonderful vacations, bought her a mobile home, met her every need every since I was a young girl. When my father abused her I was the one who always heard it all. Thankfully for me, I left home at age 19 and began my career in DC. But I still was always there for her. I am sorry but if all I am asking of her is for her to treat my roommate with respect and be nice to her, considering she is living in our home, I feel that was not too much to ask! Anyway, my roommate and I are abiding by our counselor's advice this past week. It seems to be working as best it can. My roommate stays elsewhere in our home and does not go into my mother's room, which is on the lower level. I meanwhile find it ridiculous that my mother could not give me one thing...the only thing I have every asked of her in life. Thanks support group to those of you who take the time to read my issue. I appreciate being a member of this group. It's nice to know we are not alone. I never thought life would turn out this way.
to hopefully to see a smile every once in a while, to appreciate and feel good..to feel you've done good....albeit maybe only for a few minutes sometimes...but to know that all your efforts have created value and comfort. You may most often see little value (other than on a fleeting smiling face)...but don't be discouraged...it (the smile) is there...mostly hidden to an inexperienced eye...but truly all my dear caregivers..it is there..and hope you know and value all of what you are doing. Marco40
My husband spent years coddling, pampering and babyting my mother because he wanted to be "the good guy". He spent hundreds of thousands on her, I am NOT kidding - vacations, special treatments, jewellery, imported perfumes, you name it, And what do they say? You teach people how to treat you?
I never believed that before but now I have seen it with my own eyes. The more he gave, the more she wanted.
One year at the holidays she had the nerve to whine that she never got any money that year to go shopping with......and guess who whipped out his wallet??
Now that she is 88, engrained in her ways, and just plain old and ornery, I am the one paying the price; he sides with her, accuses me of being "mean" and says HE doesn't want to be in the middle of us, why don't I just let her do/have what she wants, and let her be?
Because he grew up in such a loving home he just cannot understand the dynamic of having had a narcissistic parent. Last I checked, she wasn't wearing a tiara............
A parent who never got along, who has always been as they are, does not generally get better as they age. They can only give as good as they got--sometimes worse.
You said you chose to leave home at 19. That meant you found how to make a good path for yourself in life.
You chose to make a better life than your Mom made for herself--you observed hers, and chose differently for the better. That takes hard work and commitment to doing better.
That you are committed to caring for Mom, speaks of your compassion, loyalty and dedication. But no matter how you have made your life better, and no matter how much you have done for your Mom, she is how she is. It is unlikely she will ever be nice, thankful, nor cozy up to your roommate, contentious as she sounds--you can't make a tiger change it's stripes, you understand?
It sounds like this is about your learning to accept her as she is, not trying to force her to change her basic programming--she can't.
BUT, you CAN ask her to behave within limits.
She may not comply, but you can ask.
IT kinda looks like how it works with children: in the simplest terms, you identify their behavior to them, then, tell them how you prefer them to do. Lastly, you let them know, that if they chose to do otherwise, there are consequences that happen...those must be realistic, --cannot be idle threats---
you know...Like, "I expect you to keep your hands off the woodstove, or you might get burned", or, "It is important for you to be polite to those you live with, otherwise, life is very unhappy for everyone."
You might try posting good words to live by in areas Mom will notice them easily...then realize, none of this may do any good, because she is as she is.
I even tried a simple "I love you!" as a retort to my Mom's verbal assaults...it worked for a time.
You can also have talks with your roommate, and make statements like:
"Mom has always been this way [describe shortly]; I am sure her attitude has been hurtful and thankless, and I worry for your feelings. I don't know what to do to make it better, only, that I really want for you to be comfortable here, as I treasure your presence here, and don't want to lose you!"
You may be surprised....it is possible your roommate does not see your Mom's behaviors as painfully as you do. That is why talking with her is so important.
You cannot -make- Mom love or appreciate anyone, anymore than anyone can make a horse drink once brought to water. She is dealing with loss of her own capabilities, shortcomings, past baggage she has carried around all her life.
She will target and tear down anyone who looks like they are doing better than she has been able to manage for herself.
It sounds like a couple of choices might be possible in your situation:
1. Mom moves to a care home or senior living venue--freeing you and your roommate to live in peace--selling her place she used to live in, or renting it out, could help pay for her living in assisted living, or to buy into a senior housing place. Places exist, where a senior can buy into their own apartment/condo, and, as they age, move gradually, as needed, into greater care settings, ultimately the nursing home level.
2. Mom lives in a tiny house in the backyard, instead of the main house...and you and your roommate live in the main house. This works if Mom keeps being triggered into bad behaviors each time she sees your roommate, and, it is not safe or do-able to place her into her own independent apartment.
Right now, she is in your space. Since she still has no dementia, she likely feels she needs her own space and privacy.
Alternately, she might have her own little apartment somewhere -nearby-, as long as she is safe handling a stove and doing her own activities of daily living on her own. She could even sign up for meals on wheels, for instance, if she is not safe cooking by herself...she'd still have her own private space.
Selling her old place out of State, or renting it, seems it should help pay for other arrangements. It sounds kinda like she is not realistically going to be moving back there....?
But unless your roommate is very much like Mother Theresa, the constant bad behaviors by your Mom will eat at the whole picture until the picture is shredded.
There must be good communication--your Mom seems incapable of that.
Your roommate, OTH, is a great person to converse with, and discuss possible solutions.
And you may need to let go of having your Mom under your roof.
You cannot make her conform to your expectations [like thinking she could be like a Mom for your roommate, and we can all be a happy family, for instance].
That might work if all parties involved can be adults and discuss things rationally--but your Mom cannot.
That means the other 2 adults in that house must be the ones to discuss rationally, how to handle things under your roof, then inform your Mom how things will be.
It is possible your Mom has some ideas that she's perfectly fine if she moved back into her home....that needs reassessed--it sounds like she needs a caregiver at least nearby.
My Mom variously thought she could still drive, thought she'd find a new man to hook up with, thought she could live in the wilderness, etc. Never mind all evidence showed she was incapable of those things---she was at conflict inside herself for what she really wanted or could do, so unable to do any of those things..
You need to figure how "of sound mind" your Mom is, and consider what other arrangements are possible, reasonable, realistic, in light of her known conditions.
You already know how things are, is getting intolerable.
It does not have to stay that way, and, best you not let things deteriorate more by waiting to see if you can get Mom to change her stripes.
You can still love and honor your Mom, if she lives elsewhere.
Can still help caregive, if Mom lives elsewhere yet nearby.
Moving an elder to a better living situation, is not abandoning them, it is helping them adjust to changes in their lives which they cannot make without help.
You have done above and beyond the call of duty, it sounds like.
Change must happen.
It might not appear to be a happy one at first, but it sure could help things be better.
I hope you find ways to make good changes!
by an unknown author, amended some here and there for Caregivers...
----
May you recognize what a wonderful Invisible Mother you are; keep the Faith that things will turn out OK.
For Invisible Mothers everywhere....
----
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' The voice calling from down the hall, never mind I am already fixing the meal, doing the laundry, taking care of their therapy animal, keeping up with several people's schedules like an air traffic controller...etc.
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? The charges who want what they want, when they want it!! The very urgent needs that must be met, no matter how I'm feeling or what I'm doing at the moment. Damage control is a constant effort, as things get broken, soiled, misplaced, worn, moved..
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?' I am there to clean up whatever spews out whatever orifice; change linens, clothes, mop up, fetch, carry, transfer...
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter and poop, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!
Once I worked, had a life, friends, family...what happened?
One night, a group of us were having dinner. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when one turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.
I wasn't exactly sure why it was given to me until I read the inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof. No one will ever see it'
And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.
It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does; even when family abandons you and disparages you.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no diaper changed, mess cleaned, no errand is too small, for me to notice and smile over.
You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder.
I may never get to build a house beutiful of my own, but I have helped built people.
As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, or a job that finishes with sadness, to work on something that their name will never be on......the writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree...But some Caregivers ARE sacrificing that much, daily--and still do not get to see what gets built in the world from their efforts.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table. Then she takes care that Gma has her needs met, is sheltered and cared for...' No, because that would mean I'd built a monument to myself.
I just want him to want to come home to visit.
And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
But caregivers for elderly or disabled persons cannot always make things be "you're gonna love it here", because caregiving can be a messy way to live.
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals--they take many forms..
We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.
One day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers...for the effects of our toils, while they might appear disastrous in the process, may bring great wonders to conditions in the future we never get to see.
---
Addendum: As caregivers for the elderly and the disabled, we go through similar in our tasks.
Most fail to see what we are really dealing with--in that case, maybe, we are "doing it right" so as to avoid building a showcase for ourselves.
We need to keep in mind, that there is a point after which we need to ask others to see us, though, to get whatever helps are needed--this is NOT attention getting...it is survival.
The pain of the behaviors and conditions, the pain of seeing our loved ones going through their personal hells, the personal hells we go through to accomplish the caregiving....are repeated many ways thru history.
It can hurts us deeply. ...
Even though we may understand why it is happening, it does not really make it better, only, that we can tell ourselves something to help bear thru it long enough to survive the tasks at hand, to make it a bit easier.
We need someone there to give a hug, pat us on the backs, and tell us "there , there, things are tough right now; it will get better" sometimes, to help us get through it.
Sometimes we need others--angels, if you will-- to remind us of who we are, what we are doing, and to bring us back to reality; or, to share good advice/council. The caregivers who share on AgingCare.com, are these angels.
Such a blessing!
The thankless tasks done daily, for years sometimes, and the grief dealt with, will pass, will get some better. We are all here learning & teaching; sometimes, the lessons are really hard--we help each other get thru it.
God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
To all the wonderful mothers [read: caregivers] out there!!
God bless and keep you.
Thanks for listening
You have done everything you can, and far beyond. If you are not even getting some appreciation, and/or your roommate is not being recognized or acknowledged as a human being that is also a caring person, I am afraid to say, but you really need to get your Mother evaluated on a professional basis...and soon. This is not magically situation that is going away. Your Mother may love you, but it is a very unhealthly, jelous, and controlling type of love. And, with all the you've done and have continued to do? Please stop beating yourself up. Please get her in (if you can..and you have to) for a professional evaluation. Regardless of the love and incredible effort you have given, this is an impossible situation to hope that it corrects itself. Not from what you have described. I didn't read a single word of appreciation and/or love for you. There is "no" way you can live in this environment for any extended period of time.
You have a valued roommate, who is an Angle. Be an Angle for her as well...and get your Mother some immediate help. Marco40
I have lived with my parents for the last 2 1/2 years. Before that I cared for them by doing all their shopping, cleaning, much of their cooking, running errands, driving, making appointments, mid-night calls that one or the other had fallen, etc.
I am NOT an only child. I have 4 older brothers/sisters. They come and "visit" when it suits them. My one sister FINALLY after all this time agreed to watch them for 1 day while I took a couple of my daughters/grandkid to the zoo. That is the FIRST time one of my siblings has done that. Ever. Even when asked.
My sister says she just can't since she works (4-5 days a week) and watches her grandson on her days off. She is just SOOO busy. Mean while, I do this 7 days a week, don't have TIME to see my grandkids. Don't get days off. AND don't get paid a penny. :( And yet they resent me for doing what I do here... go figure.
I just wanted to clear up my choice of the verb "dumped."
I WILL NOT BEREDUNDANT AND AGREE WITHALL THAT WAS SAID BEFORE. THE ONLYCOMFORT I CAN OFFER YOU IS LET "LOVE"
LEAD THE WAY NO MATTER WHAT. JUST LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I KNOW FIRST HAND IN THIS SITUATION THAT CAN BE THE MOST DIFFICULT THING TO DO. LOVE AND FORGIVE YOUR MOM. IN THE END YOU WILL WIN. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
HUGS, HUGS, AND MORE HUGS...
LET LOVE LEAD THE WAY....
DPRAYS
As for my significant other for whom I am caring; things tend to be OK unless I drop the ball (to err is human; to forgive ain't). Also tends to forget that I can't be available every waking hour. But that's a longer story.
Sand56 has described her to a T. You are definitely dealing with a borderline (or full )narcissistic personality disorder that you would do well to have diagnosed -- this is NOT dementia or old age. Go back through all your years with her and you will see many, many examples of it. The traits I'll bet you have seen are: jealousy (obviously from your posting), childishness, pettiness, sarcastic comments, moodiness, intimidation by her own friends, judgmental, overly concerned with her own projection of her own image and looks, etc., I could go on and on and on.
Yours is making no bones about her jealousy toward your roommate and in her perfect world, and because of her sense of entitlement, I guarantee she would loving nothing better than for you to get rid of your roommate so she can take center stage. It's all about them and boy does their nose get out of joint if someone else is more ill than them or gets more benefits than they do.
Please do read Sand56's posting again. You will never be appreciated nor acknowledged and looking for it from her is fruitless. Please carry on with your own pursuits and just do the minimum needed for her because if you overextend yourself in ANY way that is what she will expect.
I'm sorry I don't have any magic wand to wave to get you out of this predicament but I can speak only too well to it because I myself am in it.