I care for an elderly parent who has dementia. I have a very close relative who is 67 and will be in need of care in the near future. I know she is thinking I will be the one to care for her however I do not want to. This person has caused me pain my entire life for no reason.
A year ago I was turned in to APS for Elder Abuse to her. The entire story was made up and false. There was a witness there who saw what happened and knew I did not do what I was accused of. When I was interviewed I gave them my statement and I gave the phone number of the relative who saw what happened and told them to call her and have her tell them the story.
This was the only way I escaped prosecution, God was with me by having her there that day.
I was told by APS that I could not touch her not lay a finger on her. This being the case I hope she is never in need of help, but I do not feel I can put myself in the position to care for her.
She has alienated everyone in her life.
I am not willing to go to jail for anyone but need input on how to handle this.
My mom, the grand narcissist, and I were in a heated argument and she was in a rage. What else is new. I think she was after more money(what else is new)and I told her I didn't have anymore freaking money to give. She's always been a physical and verbal abuser, so I wasn't really that surprised when she grabbed a heavy glass ashtray and hurled it at my face. I jerked my head to the side and the corner of it caught me right at the very corner of my left eye. If I hadn't turned, it would have hit me in the eye dead on, and there's no doubt it would have done some major damage. I immediately felt my own sense of rage, snatched that bad boy up off the floor, aimed at the cabinet above her head, and hurled it right back. It shattered into a thousand pieces. Damn, how satisfying! That felt great. Anyway, she immediately started screeching about calling DSS on me and reporting me for 'abuse'. Really, now. I pointed at my eye and said 'That's ASSAULT mom, you go right ahead.' It kills me that she thought nothing of what SHE did. In her narcissistic mind, assaulting me was just fine, perfectly justified and ok. SHE didn't do anything wrong, of course not. Never. But when I retaliated, THEN there was a 'wrong' done. Gotta love a narcissists twisted way of thinking, hmmm? Anyway, she called DSS and spewed away to them, playing the perfect victim. The lady came out. She asked me about the situation, asked if I had thrown an ashtray at my mom. I said I sure did. Then I pointed at my now black eye and told her the real deal. The lady went away and that was that. lol Did it shock or surprise me that my mom would try and get me in trouble? No. She's called the cops on me numerous times, DSS, whoever she could get to listen. Nothing ever came of it once I told the truth of the matter. I've never physically assaulted my mom, or abused her in any way at all. But if she hits first so to speak, I give it back in spades. Always did. My mom and I have been at war since my earliest memories. My mom was never 'mommy' to me as a kid. No, my mom was the bogie man come to life from as far back as I can remember. I still took care of her when she needed someone. I'm an only child. When she'd get too out of control, I'd just remind her that she was getting old and weak now, and I was still young and strong, and that nobody would question her demise were she to fall off the porch steps. Then I'd stare at her, stone cold. That was usually enough to shut her up, or stop her from attacking me physically. Would I seriously have killed my mom? She wouldn't have lived to the ripe old age of 88 if I was capable of that. And I'm not capable of abuse, I'm not my mother, thank God. But if scaring the shit out of her is what it took to stop her abusing me, so be it. It worked for me anyway. If you're dealing with abusers, you have to play by a whole new set of rules.
Mind you I live with my father as a result of losing my house when she was supposed to move in. I live on constant fear, and she knows I have pending surgeries, and can not move now.
She accused me of trying to hurt her years ago, mocking me saying a cop would never believe I hit you, since she is 5ft tall. She is the devil incarnate.
I wish you luck and support and lots of love to you in your dilemma.....
Peace,
Juju
Remember that you deserve to live your own life.
I'm still LMAO, bobbie321, at your response!! Good for you. My mother claimed to be such a good Christian. How does a Christian wind up disowning her own flesh and blood (me and my kids) after caring for her many years? I did learn something from my mom though and that was not to take crap, dont put up with the negative and stand up to people like her and raven1's sister. I have vowed to never again give care to someone who thinks they can threaten me with elder abuse, go to a lawyer to accuse me of stealing and make my life hell. Won't happen, and I also don't care if its the disease either.
I told her to remove me from her will and if she didn't I threatened to give everything away to the Gay Atheists (don't know if there is such a thing but sounded good at the time).
There is no way I would subject myself to caregiving of my mom's intensity again much less care for a woman who is a hypocritical religious zealot and abusive to boot.
These days I will not tolerate any kind of negativity in my life. If it can be eliminated I will eliminate it. I've had it and any kind of threats are a no go and I don't care if it's the disease talking or not. Screw it.
Raven! Listen to the caregivers here! Choose Life! Yours!
lovbob
Suggestion: assertiveness training, tough love-- learn to say "no, I have plans."
Get your own life, as I suggested in first post to your question. You can still be a Christian. God does not want you to be taken advantage of. He created you to reflect "Him", not a doormat.
Good luck to your jealous sister. Typical golden child.
You are special. Don't forget it;) xo
When our mother passes we will inherit her home and some money which we all need but there is talk of the three of us living together in this home as it is paid for. I just don't see how that can happen and it actually work. She is ill and I believe she has a mental issue because what she does is not normal. Her only ambition in life seems to be to destroy me and my reputation. To the last straw of filing a false report with APS telling them I had beaten her and she even showed them bruises on her arms and scratches that I had supposedly caused. She did this to herself and turned me in. As i said, thank God for witnesses.
I know that because I have cared for these other people she is fully expecting me to care for her and I don't want to. I am tired of this and don't feel like I can care for another person, especially someone who has tried to ruin my life. I am going through pangs of guilt with this as I was brought up in a Christian home where you basically keep forgiving those who wrong you. I just find it harder to forgive or trust her because she is not worthy of my help or trust.
With no one here to help her, I am going to have to tell her NO and tell her that she will have to seek help in a nursing home or whatever she can come up with. I am afraid I will not be this strong or I will be riddled with guilt. I do need to find something else to do and get it going before she needs me so it never becomes an issue. This entire scenario is shaking me up. I need an out, minus the guilt.
On the other hand, if you want to do it, there are ways you could. You'd want to talk with Adult Protective Services and get them on board, current status so to speak. And they would know that you I have installed nanny cams, that you're going to record interaction just in case your "relative" would think to lie again.
Where there's a will there's a way...l sense the reason you posted is that the caregivers heart that beats inside of you isn't comfortable with the thought of leaving your relatives to the mercy of the bureaucracy unless there's no other answer.
APS will be thinking you were up to no good if you go back to caring for someone after they falsely accused you.....specially if they are not a parent.
Stay away from this person.
Anyway, why on earth would you even say yes to caring for her? She has already proven that she has no problem accusing you falsely. There's nothing to stop her from doing it again. Caregiving is already so stressful. You and her would double or triple your stress.
But most important of all - APS already told you not to go near or touch her. I would listen to them. Can you imagine if she fell and got bruised? You already got a record with APS, I'd avoid this relative as much as possible.
If none of the relatives step up, you can call APS on her. Let Them handle her.
Maybe plan your future by training for something else so that by the time your crazy relative needs a caregiver, you'll be busy with another vocation. I'll bet if you accidently turned the hose on her while watering the garden, she might just shrivel up and leave her pointy hat on the ground. In the meantime, you get a restraining order against HER.
You could write her a letter and tell her that though you love her (if true), due to a number of factors, including her allegation of elder abuse, you will not be the one to care for her as she ages.