I feel guilty, should I leave work and remain with my father?

Absolutely not. First of all, set boundaries. Like children, our aging parents start to become like children. They (some) need a schedule. Try to make a schedule that says, "Dad, I'll come by and see you this week on Monday and Thursday." Or whatever days you want. Then do your best to stick to it. Things come up and we all have lives. But it will give him something to look forward to. I moved my parents to live closer to me because the house was falling in around them and no one was helping them. Well, what a life altering decision that was! I was waiting on them hand and foot, they don't drive and totally depend on me. I rough in extra help but now I see a cardiologist and therapist. Get the message? Don't step in my shoes.

You can help him be making a schedule and you'll be help yourself at the same time.

Good luck!

-SS

Also, If you can get him to a doctor for evaluation, they'll probably prescribe some anti-depressant drugs, (there are many) that may help him and YOU!!!

xo
-SS

Yes, DON'T quit your job!!! I did that stupid thing, thinking Mom would be gone in a short time, and I could go back to work. That was almost 5 years ago, and Mom is still here and here I am almost 64, with very little retirement. Don't quit, you'll be sorry.

My experience parallels that of gsw92498 -- do NOT quit your job. Get your Dad drugs for depression (Mom is in Assisted Living where she is seen by a gerontologist for every little thing, and the anti-depressants are working wonderfully). For some very useful perspectives, read the extensive AgingCare discussion thread on RECOVERY AFTER CAREGIVING.

You should not quit your job. Consider getting help to come in or getting him to a day care center where he will be with other people instead of home alone all day. They sometimes provide transportation to and from also. Medication will probably help, but he is probably very lonely, if he is home alone all day, everyday. Sometimes a small pet helps. A kitten or cat takes less effort to care for, but can bring alot of enjoyment for a lonely elderly person. Plus having something "dependent" on them gives them purpose.

One small thing that helped my mother TREMENDOSLY... she signed up for a Health Bones exercise class at the library. She went twice a week. The people who took the exercise class were age ranges of 60s through 90s. They were all delightful people with interesting lives and varying levels of fitness. She fell in love with them and it was the high point of her week. They all brought a joke to class. They laughed. Some of them took excursions to the movies or out to lunch. They helped each other. Those who could drive would drive the others. It was a miracle.

When my mom wasn't healthy enough to go, sometimes I would bring her there and I too fell in love with the people there.

Maybe try to find something like that for your dad. I know the women in my mom's class would have fallen in love with your dad, they would laugh together and care for each other.

Hope that's a helpful tip. Maybe the first few times you could go with him.

Another idea... I attend two book clubs at my library. They are well attended by men. It is a great source of community and the friendships are wonderfully stimulating. The men do huge reference searches and bring a wealth of knowledge.

I don't know if your Dad is able, but I hope you find things for him to do that will bring both of you joy!

I have to admit I thought there were a lot of great responses here and people are unbelievably kind and supportive. I know I'm going to get in trouble for this, but I guess I'm a bit frustrated with these types of questions. Why is there so much guilt when it comes to our parents? I'm not saying we shouldn't try to help, show some compassion, kindness, etc., but I keep seeing messages from caregivers who are totally miserable, feel trapped and yet go on and on in this predicament. The person they are caring for obviously has mental issues (along with the physical issues) and often have been abusive in the past. Still, the child allows this to continue and feels guilty for not doing more. I'm not saying that's the case here, but I often find myself thinking these caregivers need to see a professional because to feel this hopeless and unable to see that some things are totally unreasonable means there are more problems than the ones being stated in these posts.

Don't get me wrong, my dad died recently and while he was a good person and I loved him, he was also a pain. He was that way before he got sick and I was grateful that despite a lot of resentment on my part it did not prevent me from spending time with him and helping both him and my mother. One of the things I did before we got to this point was see a therapist. It helped a lot. In the end I was much stronger for both of us.

Read what these people have said to you and if the answers are not enough then get some professional help from a therapist for yourself. Good luck.

TheirDaughter, you're not in trouble with me, I totally agree with your response! I believe the main reason why there's so much guilt is because the parents installed it long ago and it's really hard, after a lifetime, for it to recognized and/or dealt with now. I can't change my past, both of my parents are gone now, but you can rest assured IF I installed the guilt button on my kids, I've worked hard to remove it.
drhope, quitting your job and changing your life because you feel guilty is a huge mistake. There are other options. Often times guilt will turn into resentment and you'll be miserable.

I think the reason this site is so important to all of us is that these issues are complex. We 'give' thinking it's 'the right thing to do', it's what we want to do, and we are faced with unexpected, unplanned emotional, financial, factual and spiritual struggles that can become confusing.

I completely agree with TheirDaughter. Therapy helped me a lot. It was difficult finding someone old enough to have a sense of what I was dealing with, never the less it was helpful to talk with someone and sort through the issues. Fortunately I have the medical benefits that enable me to seek such help through my insurance.

I am a huge believer of getting help from a therapist. They may be available through insurance or through other means. If the one you pick first isn't so helpful, try another.

The encouragement from people on this site, from my loved ones and even people in the gym and my bereavement group constantly reminds me to seek help where ever I can find it.

It is easier for me to sit and struggle in my own head. Where I've made real progress is to go out and find and accept help from others, either paid or free...

As for not making my own kids feel guilty, it's hard to say what I will be able to do when I am sick and elderly myself. I hope I will have the self discipline not to make them feel guilt, but no one is perfect, least of all me. When I don't think I'm doing something... my boys often tell me I am making them feel guilty none the less. Surprisingly...

Many times people compare taking care of elders to taking care of children. They are totally different things. Young mothers can stop work to raise their young children if they want to. There are usually husbands to take up the slack and the wife is young enough to reenter the workforce after the children enter school or daycare.

The children of elders are typically 40-60 years old. Caregiving duties can last 10-20 years. Often there is no husband or family support. Inheritance cannot be depended on, with the high cost of end-of-life care. While caregiving during their pre-retirement years, future social security goes down steadily. So the caregiver can end up pretty much with nothing in the end. I don't think any reasonable parent would want to put their child in poverty in order to take care of them. And we shouldn't want that for ourselves, either.

The only way I am in favor of quitting a job is if the care receiver pays enough to keep their child out of poverty, and the child continues to pay SS and income taxes.

I work at home, so thought I could fit everything together well. Was I ever kidding myself! Caregiving takes so much time and emotional energy that it is like having several children, none that are willing to do anything around the house. My business has suffered terribly, so I am not even sure it is good advice to take on full-time caregiving even if we work from home.

Wish there were better answers for people in the US when their parents health goes south. The main problem from what I see is that the whole family does not get involved. One person normally pays the full cost of doing the work. Let's face it, we are not The Waltons in the US.

What I would do is, look into elder care , social services, Does Dad have Medicaid? If so, there are options if he is unable to take care of himself. I know this is a very difficult decision, but I have been through this with MIL. You need your independence as well. Try talking to social service folks who can steer you in the direction. There is no need to feel guilty. Don't let Dad make you feel guilty or you nmay dstart to resent him. If your job offers leave of absence for a couple weeks, I would do that so you can get him set up with whatever you decide to do. Good Luck.

I understand what everyone is saying, but I feel you should do what feels right to you. If you want to quit your job to stay at home and you can afford to, then why not. If you dont, and that parent doesnt last much longer, how will you feel about it. I find myself in this position as well. I recently got laid off, and now I want to stay at home, however, I want to find a job that I can do part-time from home. That just seems to be the best of both worlds to me. If anyone has any suggestions of jobs you can do from home, please let me know. Thanks, and Good Luck!

Teresa, I had just written about working from home. You will be surprised how difficult it is to put the two worlds together, particularly if a parent has dementia and/or has narcissistic traits.

Jessie, What did you write? Fortunately, I dont have either of those issues to deal with. I would like to read your post on the subject. Thanks

I tend to agree with Jessiebelle for the most being that the caregiver should get paid if they have to quit their job. I say that from experience. I quit my job by literally walking out on it almost four years ago due to mom and her illness. She has Alzheimers along with other health issues. I feared she could die soon and wanted to spend the remaining holidays etc with her and that she needed my help ( she was calling me constantly at work and getting lost driving that time). She is now much worse in all respects and I wake up every morning wondering if this will be the day she passes as her heart is giving out on her and an she is confined to a wheelchair. I have used my inheritance to just get by these past four years and still don't have the help from family and now no money for outside help ( tho now looking into hospice care). We are still financially hurting and had I continued to work maybe we'd be better off and at least taking better care of my last two teen agers in the house( who needed me too) and my health and emotions would be better. Who knows..... on the other hand had I just put her in a assist living when we could have ( she didn't want it) my emotions would have taken a beating. I think there are trade offs and each one has to weigh them out for themself more than the parent or the rest of the family's desires or needs. take care of yourself!

teresacanady, I mentioned working at home in my earlier post in this thread. It is possible when the parent is mostly independent. However, when there is dementia or narcissism, it takes a toll. For example, my mother wants to go to the doctor a lot. I tell her I have to work. It is met with a "You don't even care if I die. And you're not making any money anyway. I want you to take me to the doctor NOW." WWIII declaration that in one exchange hopped on the pity train, belittled me, and tried to take control. I want to say I'm not making money because she won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes at a time. I am reminded of mothers who try to work at home with a house full of children. The big difference is with children, we are the boss. With parents, they are. And parents can become so angry when they become self centered and someone won't drop everything to tend to their present want. And we can become angry, but have to hold it inside.

This morning is quiet, so I've been able to get some work done. Thank goodness! I had better quit writing. I'm making myself tense just thinking about some of the days here.

drhope, its a tough decision. If you are young and building your career thats one thing, I wouldnt leave my job. I weaned my Mom into daycare all summer so I could return to work until her funds ran out and then I retired early. Being a fulltime caregiver is so much harder than going to work every day, be prepared. I feel the at-home one on one care is the best. You are the one to hire the best person you can and they will not be looked over for other patients. If you are the DPOA, or your dad agrees, use his money for help. Maybe someone who will come in a play cards with him or just keep him company. (I know, they are stubborn and they dont want anyone!!) You'll have to wean a person in slowly in trying to not tell them they are there for them. best of luck to you, its so tough with aging parents. Sometimes I fine myself being envious of friends whos parents are healthy or passed already, isnt that sick? Its true though, as much as we love them, its so hard to be housebound, its the hardest work you'll ever do once they no longer walk and are incontinent, and even harder to watch them decline and wonder whats coming next.

Hello! A agree there are a lot of really good responses already... I agree, do not quit your job. It is possible to find really loving kind care-givers to come in as companions for your father, and do some light house-keeping as well. If he is not safe on his own, then decisions need to be made about care. Either hire live-in care, or find a suitable care home for him. Some people live in themselves, as I did, it was a terrible burn-out for me. I recalled that my parents lived really great lives in their 40's and 50's, being far from their parents, they would visit a few times a year. They never even considered giving up their jobs. Fact, it is hard to find a job, and even harder once you take years out to take care of a parent. Older people have harder times finding a job...there is agism out there. So please think really carefully about your life too, and take care of your self. It's awful to see a parent going through dementia, but it is also a fact that care-givers face much higher levels of stress and illness than their peers, and often die before the person they are caring for. On the other hand, if your parent is at the point of palliative care, and you can take time off from work, that is another option. People with dementia can live a very long time. So please take care of yourself first, it is the kindest thing you can do for yourself, and your parent.

Perhaps one good idea, to keep from becoming a burden ourselves, is to be as healthy as possible. Eat whole fresh food, keep weight in line, monitor blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose and exercise and laugh EVERY DAY!

Work hard while we are young enough and save enough money that we are not dependent on others, ever.

Then when the time comes pass away in our sleep. Well... that's my goal. It's a good new task for me to focus on now that my caregiver responsibilities are sadly over.

Do not quit your job!! I repeat, do not quit your job!

It is a tough decision to do, but there are options, you can look to see if there are senior groups to get him involved with.

I work from home with a parent that is unable to walk and has Alzheimer's, it is a trick to balance it all, but I get it done.

Unlike others, I have no guilt about caring for an aging parent. My parents raised me, fed me, clothed me, took me on vacations and did their best with what little we had growing up. Personally, my siblings are the ones who should feel guilty for not doing their part or trying to help once in awhile, but that is their cross to bear not mine.

So to me, I am returning a favor. I know how nursing homes are and my mom is not going no matter how bad it gets.

Now if you dad can't be alone or you need time to get things together for him, you can seek time off through FMLA. FMLA allows you 12 weeks off either together or as needed. You might want to just get the form and take a day off each week to spend time with him.

You can also speak with your boss about allowing flex time, or perhaps allowing you to work from home once in awhile.

You didn't say whether you had siblings, cousins, relatives or friends, perhaps you could consider some type of rotation.

There is no need to feel guilty, but I would encourage you to explore all of your options. There are many options.

Bless your heart. I took care of my dad until the end but he was mostly
hospitalized so I don't have your situation.. However, it is hard to give]
you advice. Firstly, can you afford it and won't suffer future financial
consequences should you quit to take care of him. Secondly, there must
be facilities who can care for him at times (day care? elderly care?) We
shouldn't feel responsible for every minute of their lives. I have said on
another post that sometime we don't give them enough credit;. I know
that the situation can become dangerous, but if your dad is just "adled"
can you not see areas where he doesn't need you 24 /7. I leave my husband
alone to do as he will because he doesn't remember my instructions and then
I asK, what harm can he do. Nothing major so far. He cooks dinners
that I won't eat, he fiddles around, mostly sleeps, but doesn't do anything
that is a grave consequences just yet. I know my husband wants to hold
on to sense of independence and until I feel he is a danger to himself or
our homefront, I give him a lot of space and "independence" from afar.
each of us are in our own individual experience in this with our loved ones
and must make decisions constantly. One thing I have always gone by,
with my mom, and now I am in the same situationwith my husband, is that when the time
is right to get them into some home or hospital, you will know it. I had
many friends and family asking why I didn't send her "off". I couldn't and
wouldn't until my own personal problems didn't allow me the time or
energy to take care of her. I looked high and low for the right place for
mom and we couldn't be happierl. She is well kept,well fed, plenty of
actvities, hair and nail care and she is clean and fresh and always "up"
when we visit.
If you look hard enough you may find the perfect place for your loved onel
We get mom and bring her home several times a year and we all love it
but we are all glad (though sad) to take her back too her new (now old)
home. I hope I have helped. I tend to have a tough skin these days based on
my lifes experiencesl
this worked for me and we all feel happy where mom is today. My husband
is not ready for that kind of care, but believe me, I will know "when the time
come. Love loophole, Mimosa

I personally agree, Don't quit your day job!!. Perhaps you could find a Adult day care for your Dad or in our small town if he drives he could spend a lot of time at the Senior Center for exercises 9-10, card games, reading, lunch just hanging out. They even have some attractive ladies that are single. The library has reading groups, exercise groups. If he is able to help a little, habitat for humanity or other groups are great. I got my Mom into Headstart as a Foster Grandparent when she was in her 70,s. She got a nice stipend then per month,was busy, found an older male friend and got lunch free for helping out the little head start kids. I worked ther P/T then so put your thinking cap on or hire a P/T sitter in the AM to get him going. then you stop by after work with his dinner or take him out 2 x week. Don't make an invalid out of him until he is onee Another thought is if he owns his own home, perhaps he could sell it and go to assisted living where he will have company all the time. $2000 and up a month. Sweetie, you will be old soon enough and you must prepare yourself for old age. Just do the best you can but you need to take care of you too. God Bless.

So true that working from home and caregiving are not always compatible. My mother came to live with us nearly two months ago. She is totally mobile and able to meet her physical needs. Even though I don't have to help her with those her care is unbelievably time consuming, the constant questions and demands for attention.... the ocd, paranoia, anxiety and mood swings she experiences are so hard on her, my husband and myself.

The anti-depressants are a huge help, but only if the parent will take them. My mother was so much easier to deal with for the few months she took them last spring and summer. To family members she seemed so much more at peace. I suspect she has some never diagnosed bi-polar and did not like the way the anti-depressents interfered with the highs of her manic episodes.

I would compare the time and energy involved to caring for a three-five year old child. When our grandchildren spend a few days here I get very little work done, the same now that Mom is here. Would not recommend quitting your job and would want to be sure your dad will take the anti-depressants.

If you have a job, don't quit. An exception may be if you stand to inherit a lot of assets even after your elder's care is concluded because they have passed away. This is the only instance where you will not come up "broke and broken."

Our elders took care of us all day until we were able to start school. Most of those parents were "rejoicing inside" because you had somewhere else to go during the day where you would be "entertained" and supervised. Many were able then to re-enter the workforce and put aside for their S.S. and retirement income. Now the shoe is on the other foot -- you need to have them get up and go to a senior daytime program so you can go to work. The problem is that elders cannot/will not get up and get dressed like you did and your kids do. So, unless you have a flex schedule you are homebound with them until they are "ready." Home aides relieve some of the problem of "getting dressed and going" but they are expensive. Imagine if you required the teacher to come to the child at home because they "didn't wanna" get ready to go out of the house each day? How long would you put up with that?

There is not enough emphasis on care programs for the elderly these days. We need more programs in place. We need them in every neighborhood just like the schools are. They need to be affordable! We need laws to back the necessity of these programs. The current administration wants to make pre-schools available nationwide. On the other end of the spectrum, once a person reaches a certain age they should be eligible for a day program. Socialization, new learning experiences, and common-sense care are provided.

I know there are some programs out there, yet there are waiting lists because there is not enough funding to meet the need. For those of you who would like to see more of these programs -- contact your congressmen and advocates.

I see a lot of references to utilizing Assisted Living homes. Have already been there and done that. Almost all the money is gone now -- had to move the parent to a more affordable arrangement. All of you who endorse Assisted Living homes -- does your parent have the money to live there for years and years? Hundreds of thousands of dollars -- or more! What if your child's "day" arrangement (school, day-care) cost hundreds of thousands for their years spent there? You'd be pretty upset wouldn't you? Spending that kind of money is only available for the children of wealthy folks.

Don't try to second-guess how long your elder will live. With your children you know that the majority of responsibility (per the law) will be 18 years. You may be in an elder care-giving situation for longer than that. I'm at 18 years and see no end in sight. I should've stayed in the work force.

I guess that most of you have a more tender heart than I do. I started out with the best intentions in the world, but I'm just tired. Sorry for the venting.

DR:

Based on what you present his depression ranges from mild to moderate depending on the situation. Depressed individuals in need of assistance with something they don't believe themselves capable of doing anymore will become saddened even further when someone tells them to do it themselves in a curt way. I'm not saying this is what you're doing, but people like your Dad might construe it as rejection; and feel like a burden to the individual they rely on. Conversely, a depressed individual can also use his diagnosis as a crutch to manipulate others and make them feel guilty when they don't cater to their every need, want, whim, or desire. Whether real or imaginary.

Since I assume he's on medication already, supportive talk therapy will be the icing on the cake if you want to keep your job and help Dad regain a strong sense of the importance of self-reliance and resocialization.

Sounds like a tall order, but it's preferrable to being unemployed, bitter, burned out from caregiving, resentful, and blaming him for everything going wrong with your life. Not a nice picture.

I have felt guilt, not so much because I was not a good daughter, but many people feel an instinctive reaction to helping family. My mom was not perfect either, yet I chose to help her because I myself felt it was the right thing to do. I knew all of her shortcomings, and yet got over my guilt when I realized that I chose to help her because I believed it was the right thing to do. I was not trapped in guilt for very long, and to feel that way for a very long time definitely does require therapy for the caregiver in order to be a better caregiver and also to be able to take care of yourself.

You should not feel guilty either way. I lost my job and it came in at a great time as my Mother was diagnosed with cancer and she was getting worse. In my eyes this was a blessing as it gave me the opportunity to care for her and be with her till the end. She's now gone and I'm still unemployed, but I have to say I am very happy that I was able to care for her. Staying at home and becoming a full time caregiver is not for everyone, and it's not easy. But I would not changed it for the world. Good luck in your decision, I'm sure whatever you decide your father will support you.

More than 2 schools of thought here and many helpful suggestions. Should we quit work to be a full time caregiver, should we devote a good part (maybe the last part) of your life to caring for elderly/ailing parents? Should we feel guilty if we choose not to be the caregiver? Do we need a therapist to help us cope with some of the negative aspects of either decision/course of action concerning our loved ones? I think the answer is yes - and no. We are all wired differently, all our parents are not the same & have different problems and needs, and we are all equipped to carry different loads. One person may feel obligated to care for their parent(s), accepting the roll of caregiver, no matter what the cost to their own well-being, another may consider it foolhardy to sacrifice part of their normal occupation, freedom and recreational activities when professionals can help. I do believe that it can't hurt to question ourselves as to our motives when it comes to personal sacrifice, no matter what the issue. I am looking after my Mother (who is 95 and often unwell) only part time at the moment, in order to keep her in her home. It was a struggle to convince her even to have someone come in to do housework for a couple of hours, but we now have a wonderful lady to lighten that load and this "stranger in my home" has now become part of the family. I couldn't do it because of a back problems (also had my own place to look after) and Mom was no longer able to do the heavy stuff). At the moment I am working only part time (way past retirement age - but still seem to need the "occupational therapy" of performing a job). I also have an art class weekly and (although somewhat less than before) try to keep in touch with friends and get out occasionally for some recreation. I do a lot of food shopping & cooking (Mom was a good cook and didn't go for the "Meals on Wheels"). So far we are enjoying our dinners together, then Mom is able to heat leftovers on the next day in the micro. I live close enough that I can drop by often and drop off groceries, meds etc.,check supplies and make sure things are generally in order. I call from work and often from home and handle any banking and paperwork that needs done. Mom has some memory loss and confusion, but she has always been extremely practical. Ok, I wouldn't give her the "Mother of the Century Award", and I certainly wasn't the perfect offspring and we were at odds at times as I grew up, but now we are like best friends.. I never did without and she was always there for me, minded my children while I worked, and even surprised me by sometimes cleaning my house & cooking dinner for my family before I got home from work. She was supportive when my marriage failed, continued to look after my kids when I became sole support of my household. Later, when it became evident one of my children had mental illness, she was there to help, listen and support. Even now, she will ask how I am doing, and remind me that one can take only so much (referring to her illness and reliance on me and other stresses in my life). Now it's my turn to provide that support. People tell me I am strong. Others hint that I am allowing myself to be manipulated into a caregiver, and it would be better to have my Mom in a senior's residence. I have considered that possibly I am still trying to please my Mother, when I failed so miserably that when I was young. But then I think of what she has done for my children and me over the years. Yes, sometimes she was critical, but she was always there and never let me down. and now it is time that I try not to let her down. She never fails to thank me for anything I do for her. Mom likes and needs some alone time, and she says she never gets lonely. I'm doing what I think is the right thing for us. It may be the wrong thing for someone else. We need to know our limits and make the most of "time off". Although I know Mom does not wish to be in a seniors' residence, mostly because of bad experiences visiting her friends who did, we have agreed that if she gets to ill or incapacitated that we will have a caregiver come in to her home, or if necessary, she will willingly move into a seniors' residence that we will have investigated thoroughly. We will hopefully be able to take this one step at a time, but for the moment, are learning daily how to cope with age related problems and somehow managing to keep our lives reasonably balanced. And I suppose if I need professional help, I will get it, but for the moment I have to say that this site is helping me cope (and I hope all the rest of you too) by the exchange of information, opinions, venting of feelings and support.

I have been staying with my dad, 87yrs old now, since Feb 08. I left my job, a very good job to stay with him because my younger brother wanted him to go into assisted living. NO. Dad does not want that. The mistake I made was not talking to him FIRST about pay. So I have not been paid all these years, and after a while you will start to feel used.
So if your father can afford it ~ make out a Personal Caregiver Contract, you can find the templates on-line. Do this before you make a commitment. I was making over $500.00 per week, and now I have nothing to show for the last 5 yrs 1 month.
It's not like you will be 'taking' money for nothing, believe me. Care giving is a very exhaustive and it will play on your mental and physical health.
Take care of your needs 1st. Then if you and your dad can come to an agreement about money, hours of work, vacation days, etc. go for it. If not, you will end up like me; regretting coming here, and feeling used.
Good luck.