My mother and I go out to eat each week after church. We normally go to the type place where I order, get the drinks, then bring the food to the table -- you know, fast food style. I told my mother that today I wanted to go to a restaurant that had waiters, so we could just sit down and enjoy. She started talking about the expense and the cost of tipping the waiter. These costs were pretty trivial to me, but she saw no reason for "throwing money away like crazy." I let it drop, because I could tell it was headed toward an argument if I said anything.
But I thought wouldn't it be nice to have someone waiting on me every now and then. I knew my request was not unreasonable, just that she was comfortable like it is now with me doing the serving. We don't even have to tip me.
It did bother me very much that I had expressed and need that had been taken as a complaint. Caregivers still have needs, but they get put off so much that soon others forget they exist. This sounds trivial, but I have the feeling that we caregivers go through this a lot... and soon we learn that our own needs are not important.
“Mantra means a sacred utterance, numinous sound, or a syllable, word, phonemes, or group of words believed by some to have psychological and spiritual power”
I now have a new silent mantra, validate. I try to use it when I think someone is complaining.
Is a need a need or is it a complaint? Caregiver's needs are important, but not understanding about the need it is easy to see it as a complaint.
The desire to be served in a restaurant is pretty easy to fulfill. Go to restaurants without taking Mom. The desire to have our loved one recognize us as a person with needs and wants is not possible to satisfy. It hurts.
My husband and I had an especially equal relationship built on mutual respect. The way that dementia forced that to become one-sided was cruel. The certain knowledge that he would have done the same for me helped sustain me.
Dementia is cruel to everyone around. It isn't short term, so we spend years suppressing our own needs, whether it be as simple as where to eat or as complicated as keeping a job to avoid future poverty. We really can't expect a person with dementia to understand a bill of rights, but we can use it as a guide to keep from hurting ourselves.
id still do it again , i think its a necessity and a proud calling . i live now with how i might have done a much better job but it sneaks up on you . one day your doing little things for a parent , then doing much more for what seems like an ungrateful parent , then a hospital visit divulges that the pita that youve been dealing with is actually advanced dementia and your parent will be gone in 6 months .
were not born knowing this crap .
I shouldn't laugh, because my sig other and I do the very same thing. We won't eat out unless there is some realllllly good deal or we have a coupon. Last week we used the buy one, taken one home from Olive Garden. The weekend before we used coupons at Berger King :)
But I understand what you mean... I wish I had someone doing my grocery shopping because I dislike shopping... even though I am doing on-line grocery shopping, it is still the anguish of deciding what to get. I hate to cook, so it doesn't make it easy.
I would love someone to drive me to all my doctor's appointments... bet my blood pressure would be a lot lower.
My Mom will say that she and Dad need to go to the eye doctor this month for their 6 month checkup.... then I think, wait a minute, I haven't seen MY eye doctor in over a year. Or it is time to schedule their tri-annual checkup with their primary doctor, wait a minute, I haven't seen MY primary doctor is over a year.