Why do I feel so resistant to the needs of my elderly mother as a caregiver? Ever since my stepfather passed away my mother has come to rely on me and my husband more than I would like. I wish I did not feel this way considering I always enjoyed tending to the needs of my children. I am a empty nester now and love my freedom and independence. The thought of taking on the responsibility of my mother at this stage of my life makes me feel I am losing the life I wanted when my children became adults. I am not resistent to helping her, just to becoming her caregiver. She has a very emotionally needy codependent personality.
Is it tiresome having to reinforce boundaries all the time? Yes it is. Do I wish it were different. Yes, I do. But, it is what it is and I have to deal with it or become completely engulfed which I allow.
If you need a break - take one. I find I have to periodically. Do what you have to do for you. ((((hugs))))) Joan
Maybe it's time to just cut your losses and walk away. I agree with the way emjo is handling her mom. If a relationship is 99% negative, is that 1% worth all the misery? As some of us know, our moms are not mothers.
If I had known what I know now, I would have never moved my parents into my home. It has been the most draining experience of my life. I have gone through a divorce after 30 years of marriage, worked 80 hours a week at jobs, and buried a brother, and in-laws. Nothing in my life prepared me for this. I thought I was a true survivor, but there were many times that I thought I might not make it through the day. Don't feel guilty - do what is best for everyone - and everyone does include you.
Though I love her dearly and was caring for her in her home 4 days a week, I was starting to resent her. Yes, I KNOW it is the disease, but I felt WHY should I give up my life? For so long I had looked forward to the time in our lives when we would be empty nesters and we could start to enjoy life as a couple. Like my parents did at this same stage. And HER mother was placed in a NH because of dementia....my mother only gave her mother 1 afternoon a week -- 2-3 hours for her visit -- for whatever her reasons were. Yet, somehow I felt obligated to give up my life because of her needs.
After 2 months of no sleep, we put her in Assisted Living. We pay for a personal aide for her, 15 hours a week; and we visit 2x/week though we all work full time. My siblings and I still have lingering bouts of guilt. However, we have our lives back, I have my marriage back, and my mom knows (again) that I am her daughter (instead of her sister, which is what she thought for 2 years).
This forum and a local caregiver support group gave me the strength to realize it is OK for me to have a life and goals and dreams for me. I can't be everything for everybody. By placing my mom in AL, she is cared for far better than I could ever care for her. And I can be her daughter again....which is exactly what she needs from me and (I believe) what God wants me to be.