My mom is in her 70's and has always had a very dependent personality. Recently she is in a wheelchair and the care has fallen to me. It seems like I have always been the one to do all of the caregiving in my family, even when I lived several hours away and my other sibling lived just 20 minutes away, I was the one who came down and took care of my parents when they needed it. Now that mom is alone, she expects the same thing but to be honest I have had enough of it. She does not appreciate it and lately makes snide comments about even more things I should be doing for her. I have a demanding job, a life of my own, and I am exhausted. I know this shouldn't matter, but my sibling does nothing for her and did nothing for dad, yet is the favoried one and has a copy of her will which she denies me. It is not that I'm looking for something monetarily, I just feel really used. She has set up a situation where I have to 'earn' her love, yet my sibling just has to exist and that's enough. I hate how this feels. How do I tell her that I'm not willing to take care of her like this?
Telling her will be hard. Enforcing it will be harder. If you have offered to do x, y, and z, be prepared for what you will say when she calls and demands that you do a, b, and c. Basically the answer is "No."
I think you need to make a decision. You can decide not to let Mom bully you and accept that you may be left out of the will( and I know it is not about the money but hurt feelings) or you can play Mom's game. There is a chance that your Mom will come around and , if not be happy, at least be content with what you can give to her -and like equillot said- spell it out for her. But there is the chance that she will play hard ball and expel you from her life. In which case your darling sibling will have the joy of taking care of Mom solo. Maybe if sib has to do this for a bit he/she will help your Mom make the decision to include you in her life as much as you spelled out for her. That would be a nice resolution. I would hope that if your Mom tries to tell you it is all or nothing and you choose nothing she would come back after awhile and seek you out and take what you can give her. But I think you need to prepare yourself that she may not. Good luck.
I wondered why your mother is in a wheelchair. I read that she has depression. Are there other problems that get in the way of her being mobile?