I live several states away from my mother and I'm limited in what I can do for her as. My father passed away about a year ago and my mom is still grieving and coming to terms with her new situation. She lives in a very nice gated community in a beautiful house filled with beautiful things. Her health is good, though she suffers from depression and panic attacks. My problem is that she is a reckless spender and I believe she has a serious spending addiction. To make matters worse my brother, who also lives in the same state, is an alcoholic who hasn't worked in over ten years. My mother supports him while he spends all his disability money on alcohol and partying. My other brother, who was working up until my father passed away, quit his job about a year ago, got divorced, and is now unemployed and wants to remain unemployed, hoping against hope that he will also get disability. My mother has helped him financially as well and buys him clothes, furniture, car insurance, etc. Now, she is coming to me asking me to help her financially to pay her property taxes and homeowners dues. My husband, and therapist, feel very strongly that helping her financially would open the door to endless requests for money and would also serve as an enabler for her to continue her bad behavior and supporting two brothers who are old enough to be grandparents. She will not move, stop helping my brother(s), use any of the services available to her in the community, won't come to visit, won't rent out a room, won't change or take action on anything, though she tirelessly and endlessly asks for advice. Talking to her has become an exercise in futility with teeth-grinding repetitious themes (I'm lonely, I have no money, your brothers...). I am the only one in my immediate family that went to college and has a good paying job. I've worked very hard in my career, not to mention that I have a husband and two children to take care of. My daughter will be entering college next fall (no small financial commitment). I feel like a very bad daughter and person but I don't think it's the right thing to do. My brothers have profited quite nicely from my parents over the years. In particular, my alcoholic brother. Shouldn't she exhaust her assets and/or sell her house and tell my brothers to find their own way before asking ME for money? My brothers are 50 and 44 respectively! I refuse to enable my brothers to continue their lifestyle. I'm truly at my wits end and have now been put in a very awkward position of saying "no". I have talked myself blue in the face for 15+ years on advising her to no avail. She does what she wants. This feels beyond terrible.
You should be very proud of the life you and your husband have created for your family and not do anything that might jeopardize what you have worked so hard to accomplish.
Being the adult in a situation and making the right decision sometimes feels bad but you sleep better at night. I would use caller id and let those calls go to voicemail.
It is very hard to be the responsible one when family members do not take care of themselves and then ask others to provide for them. But giving them money and whatever else they ask for doesn't help them. They only continue the way of life they've established. They won't change if they think you will help them out.
And, you have your own future to prepare for. Do not throw that away because they did not plan ahead.
You are lucky to have a husband and therapist with your best interests in mind. Listen to them!
In my opinion, you would be a "bad daughter" if you enabled your mother's continued bad decisions and self-harming behaviors. (Not a bad person, but not doing very well in the role of daughter.) I think that you can see that your mother is not doing your brothers any favors by enabling them, when she should be encouraging them to resolve their problems in ways they can maintain indefinitely (and not just until she runs out of money). Please don't follow her bad example!
Mourning the death of a spouse is a very lonely, confusing, and challenging time. Be kind to your mother. Try to be patient with her endless phone calls. Those things are good for her. Don't give her money. That would not be good for her in the long run, and it would be very painful for you.
If you give Mom money for the property tax, who is going to pay it next year? You could offer to help her with a budget, or to find a financial counselor who could help her figure out if she can afford to continue to live in the lovely gated community. Encourage her to find long-term solutions. Paying her taxes would be like giving her a bandaid when she is hemorrhaging. She would certainly be back for more and more bandaids and in the long run that wouldn't save her.
She may not be ready just yet, but sometime very soon she is going to have to figure out how much spending she can do without putting her necessities at risk. It is a rude awakening many widows have to face. Please don't help her put it off.
(My husband died 11 months ago. I am just now able to face the new financial facts of my life. I can really sympathize with your mother, but she, like I, has to adjust to her new situation.)
Your children and husband must be your priorities. Saving for your own old age is another. From what you've written, without changes, her need for support will be endless. If she can't pay property taxes now, how will she pay for them next time?
My advice, make an appointment for you and your mother with her family lawyer and have her explain the situation she’s in, with complete transparency. You’ll be there as her reality check.
I did this with my mother after she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure; between the three of us we were able to straighten out her financial situation to a somewhat manageable level. It’s never going to be easy, and it may interfere with your day-to-day life, but it sounds like you can handle it.
I wish you all the best.
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