Many posters on this site seem to think they have an obligation to provide care up close and personal to those who abuse them - why is this? Where do they think this obligation comes from? I recall a deacon at my church who got up during the sermon and addressed this topic - he insisted his mother move into an AL because she did not respect his wife and therefore he did not want to care for her in his home (which she wanted). We do have a basic obligation of care to our parents - but this does NOT mean we have to put up with abuse.
While it's good to be introspective and see if our responses are making our elders' issues worse, when there is actual abuse, or when there is a situation like the deacon's, the appropriate thing is generally to take steps to get into separate living arrangements, and to set boundaries. Many people could use counseling by someone like your deacon who can help them through these tough decisions.
Take care,
Carol