I have always been focused and goal driven. As my partner’s Parkinson’s symptoms worsen he has become prone to talking to me from across the house, but disease has caused him to speak softly and slurred. I hear just enough to know he’s speaking to me, but not what he’s saying. Sometimes I just have to go on like I didn’t hear him, but that’s difficult when you care about someone. So I stop what I am working on to see what he wanted, and by the time I’m finished I have completely forgotten what I was doing. So, I later discover unfinished tasks. I get flustered because that’s just not like me...and it seems like I’m getting that way with everything. I’ll commonly be up until 1 or 2 in the morning doing work and sending emails - clients praise the dedication, but if they only knew. Anyone else having same problem and have found some tricks that help?
You could have a little bit of burnout? Tired? All make forgetting quite understandable.
There are, for me, two things going. One is age. I am 77. I was not thinking as I did when I was 30s before all this happened. So I was in the stages of--you know--leaving the room to get something,getting to the other room and forgetting what I was there to get, going BACK to the room and then remembering.............you know the drill.
However, add in this whole other thing, someone you love kind of crumping on you, and all the anxiety mixed in? It is other worldly. If I am at all anxious, if the control slips, my OCD hits like a hurricane and I am in the eye of it, paralyzed, unable to think, unable to move. I have entered the realm where it is true diagnosable dementia. You know, the butter in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge. And it is the anxiety that does it. I am incapable of multitasking.
When I get myself in a good place, the zen of gardening or putting murphy's oil on the floors, I again come to a person who can function. But let a letter come in the mail "We lost the papers on the truck and are putting a lien on it"? Ha! Blown away again.
It is, in the beginning, such scary stuff. I AM getting older. Not as old as the bro I am trying to help, but OLDER and we have all our lives teased one another that he is only 7 years ahead of what is coming for me. We are like twins born 7 years apart.
You're OK. You are OK. Try to find what you can to relax. Give yourself at least some moments of peace. For me it is garden, a little painting, sewing kimonos for friends, listening to some true crime podcasts. I can restore my soul and my mind a bit as well.
Don't worry. You're OK. (almost certainly, hee hee. But where are those car keys)
Saying that, it took me 45 minutes to empty the trash last week. Seems like I found another task in each room as I emptied the trash (switch the laundry in that room, clean the soap scum off the counter in the bathroom, etc). And, yes, I did leave the trash bag in a couple of rooms and wander off to a new task.
Definitely scatterbrained!!
As I tell my husband, when I hit menopause, I found 20 pounds and lost my mind :)
Re the hours - can’t advise there - was doing 0530 though to 0130 and if lucky no disturbance for 4 hrs. 🤷♂️ On the other hand 0200 seemed a popular time for him to wet the bed.... 🤣
I also keep Post-It notes handy, so anything which suddenly crosses my mind (like getting more milk) can be noted immediately before I forget, and put somewhere I will notice it, like next to the teapot.
Plus I keep a To Do list on the Sticky Notes available on my Windows 10 computer - yes, it just gets longer every week, but at least I can keep track of longer term things like overdue phone calls to friends, fixing the light on the bathroom mirror (that particular job's been on there for a year now), etc etc.
It's not 100% foolproof (I can turn an alarm off and then forget to do the task), and it can be stressful, but it's better than nothing. Or perhaps I'm just OCD...
You hit the nail on the head. It is stress. Especially if you had to go from mom to MIL in caregiving. We can only do so much. I am at the end of my rope too.
I have been sick with a cold since Sunday and my mom is purposely nagging me. I have no idea what her problem is. She won’t go see a doctor about anxiety and trust me she is riddled with the anxiety of a million people! I honestly think she is bored to death. I know I am! She will not go to a senior center to meet people and generally be involved in society. She would rather be a hermit and complain and drag me down with her.
She had anxiety before because she’s a perfectionist but she was distracted because she stayed busy. Being idle is horrible. Being too busy is bad, so a balance should be achieved but she doesn’t look for balance.
Her only activity or distraction is ‘The Young and the Restless’ soap opera! I don’t watch it but aren’t those things filled with ridiculous drama? What good is that? Gosh, I watch shows on nature to relax or even the old tv shows that make me laugh, not a show that will add stress!
It’s horrible to see a once active person behaving like this and worse for me to be sucked into it as well.
As soon as I get all of the paperwork for aid and attendance from veterans, something has to change, and soon! I am truly at my threshold of pain. I’m worried about my own mental stability living with her. She keeps interrupting me so I have decided to walk outside to my backyard. She will open the door if I am on my patio. She’s so crazy lately she may call my brothers and tell them I abandoned her or call 911. So I am going to try to work on things during her soap opera! Her damn laundry can wait! She has more clothes than me!
I fought like hell to banish this anxiety when I left home and managed to do so. For what? Too fall right back into it? No! I simply can’t deal with this anymore.
Thanks, Katie for pointing out how extreme stress is damaging to our wellbeing. I can be relaxed and accomplishing tasks and she starts her foolishness and it all goes out the window! Why? Because it’s been too long. When we know there is an end in sight that is relatively near we can get through it. It’s when we can’t see the end and it builds up from happening over and over and over, that we go batty.
I describe it as the brain is on overload with tasks or thoughts you may never thought you would face. I am more accepting now of "the way it is". Thankful for my health and I keep a grocery list at his place for myself and helper to add too. I keep a list for me with each day of the week at the top and this helps not just what I have to do but when. I utilize my iphone calendar always for his appts. and mine and other tasks. If I don't write it down I'll add it to the phone to ping for me to make a call or whatever. We also have a calendar at Dad's of who is there for the meals, his appts or any ones time off including me, I take a picture of the caledar with phone so its with me.
All of this has helped keep me focused. I also don't over involve myself in other things. I did resign from my HOA board as it was something else to focus on and make decisions. Don't take on what you don't have to. Trying to keep the stress level down and accepting is good but not always achievable. Take time for you to chill with whatever soothes you. My Dad knows enough to thank me and tell me I'm the best daughter in the world so that alone throws in a lasting positive to help keep me straight.
As a 24/7 Caregiver, you are under more stress than anyone else can even imagine, so cut yourself some slack. You might have to decide which tasks are necessary and which you have a choice about doing. Since you mention clients, I am assuming you are still working.
The only suggestion I can make is to get a set of speakers like used for babies and place one wherever he is and keep the other where you are. I bought a set but my DH progressed quicker than I could keep up with and I had to be in the same room with him 24/7. So we both lived in the living-room. I got a couple of sleep-chairs that do all the positions and Zero Gravity became my best buddy.
Some cleaning is optional. If you can no longer do it all by yourself, look to find help. I had to learn that anything not mandatory for our health could wait. My DH became too anxious if I wasn't in the room with him at all times. He was almost 97 and he had to come first.
Do the best you can with watching your nutrition. Boy was that a nightmare for me. I just did the best I could manage.
Try to establish a routine with your LO that allows time together and blocks of time for uninterrupted focus on something other than LO. You may find it easier to have a friend, a hired sitter, or family "visit" - take turns being with LO while you need concentration. If LO takes naps, that would be a good time to complete other "alone tasks".
Maybe a spare room, or part of one, can be converted into office/work/craft space for your "alone times." Will LO use a bell to notify you of "needs"?
As for rest, establish routines for bedtime. Make sure anybody who helps LO follows the routines. If LO is restless or wanders at night, talk to the doctor about sleep meds or hire a sitter for your sleep time. Try to get 7-9 hours of sleep every night yourself.
Have a go-to place where you can check on what needs to be done, a desk or counter top with sticky notes or timers or both, check it often when you get side-tracked.
I have a notebook that I create lists and responses I need to complete or orders I need to make - then check off as I go along. For all online/mail orders, I use index cards as I place and order with items and price so I can make sure I get everything and that the billing is accurate when statements arrive.
I have resigned myself to staying in the same room as mom because she gets irritated if I go to the office room to work on tasks. Not to mention jumping up and down to go see what she wants because I can't hear her well (from another room) and she definitely cannot hear me. I know it still irritates her that I'm on the computer at all because I hear her tell people on the phone - oh, she's on the computer as usual. She has no idea that 90% of my time on the computer is to pay bills, make dr appts, follow up on medical procedures or prescriptions and insurance payments.
And more recently, I had to add another person to the mix because of a debilitating sudden illness. So now, trying to get his meds lined up to do the most good for him during the day - constantly emailing or phoning drs and insurance trying to get tests and procedures for him. Seems I'm even more scattered than before.
I continue to use the notebook and index cards to do my best to stay on top of everything. I still haven't figured out why I lost my ability to handle the multiple tasks like I did before, nor how to get the ability back. I just keep checking the notebook at this point! Frustrating as H3LL, but guess it is what it is!
"Do you ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind — to get something, perhaps? — only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an "event boundary" in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next, just as exiting through a doorway signals the end of a scene in a movie. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room, and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Mental event boundaries usually help us organize our thoughts and memories as we move through the continuous and dynamic world, but when we're trying to remember that thing we came in here to do… or get… or maybe find… they can be frustrating indeed."
On some level I thought this was just a fluke... but I have gotten to the other side of the threshold, realized I don't know what I was here for and on returning through the threshold again... Bing! There it is!!!
Best thing you can do is leave a brief note for yourself before you head off to remind yourself where you were at when interrupted (especially when that is likely to be an extended time away) OR repeat over and over on your way to/through the threshold what you were going to do/get! Sometimes it thwarts the "event boundary"...
Sounds like we're barking at the moon, but hey, if it works...
Yip Yip YOWWWWLLLL!!!
(In my case, that would be MEERRRRROWWWWWL! =^..^=)
We have terrible mail service, so it's common not to receive a bill in the mail that will remind you. The list is a reminder even if you miss the paper bill or an email alert.
I think we all must find a way to relieve our stress to get any peace from all we endure.
The other day I was visiting a friend in the ICU. I noticed her nurse got called away to another patient and didn't return to the room until 90 minutes later. Not good but nothing bad happened...but it could have. The nurse was horrified when she walked back in the room and realized she'd left a task undone. Multitasking does not work. When something is important - and if it's important to you that's all that matters - try to finish it.
I agree PostIt notes are great; however, they are no substitute for organizing your thoughts/actions and setting healthy limits with your time. And again, "It's not your job to make everything perfect".