Do any other caregivers feel they have little left to offer?

he is going through the VA to get into a nursing facility here, regular AL isn't an option he has to have skilled nursing. Its a long waiting list and he is too dang healthy for then to consider bumping up his need, unless he does get sick which I don't see happening unless I slip on MY part and oh boy would the sh#% hit the fan then!! I'm stuck until they accept him. Thank you for that comment

I'm new to this site. I've read everyone of your stories out there. I'm in the same boat as all of the rest of you. I too have 1 sister that lives close by who thinks that her only responsibility to helping take care of our elderly mother is to take her out to Brunch on Saturday or Sunday. Other than that I don't see her. I don't get any help emotionally or physically from anyone in my family. I've been taking care of my mother now for 8 yrs. I guess they think that since I'm the RN that I should be the one to take care of mom. I wish that all of the family care takers could get together and just be allow to feel. I know that I'm so tired of taking care of my mother. I have health issues but my closest sister said she can't deal with mom b/c of the stress it causes! Well, what does she know about the stress that I deal with. I'm at a loss. At least on here I can be anonymous and can relate to what's being posted. God Bless All of the Care givers out there.

Yes, widowed myself, and feel sometimes like my life is ... OVER! :(
(it's a mother here, not a father)

Honey you are too young to give up on yourself! ! Is assisted living an option? Is he eligible for Medicaid? I ask because Medicaid has a program called community waiver which in sine states provides assistance in the home. If he should have to go in a nursing home for rehab you can get bumped up on the list. There are options and there is help please just don't settle for this! !

I'm so happy to hear other people are going through this too, well not happy but relieved I am not alone. My sister is married to a Dr. and they go on vacations once a month usually somewhere exotic, Greece and last was Panama. My brother doesn't brag like she does but always going to dinners and movies and out of town. They don't help clean they don't help with anything to do with my Dementia dad, they say it's because I live here and I volunteered to live here so its my job. But holy he^^ even just a few hours a week to leave this house and go to a movie or just sit somewhere that doesn't smell like pee and poo and old man. I am only 45, I used to think I would get married eventually and maybe have some fun, now I dont' care anymore. I don't have any more to give anyone not even myself. especially not myself.

Oh I forgot to mention... Physically she is now disabled... But mentally she is sharper than ever!

You are sincerely the best friends I have had the past 8 years!!! (And I am completely NOT exaggerating!!!) since I found this , (last week), I pray for you all everyday!(even if I don't know your names God does! ) I am convinced our blessings are not in this world.
I actually wrote a very long letter explaining my situation the past 8 years... But it got lost in cyber space cuz I got called away too long. Like many of you, my situation had worn me out spiritually physically and mentally... I don't know if I am more disgusted by my anger, or by the utter apathy and lack of involvement by my siblings and my husband.(other than volunteering me to be the primary caregiver,(selling my home I raised my children in and giving up my piano teaching, family and marraige), to being, again , the primary care giver for my spoiled, narssissitac , socially addicted mother!!!!.... I'm
Sorry.... I feel like a horrible person.... I have been changing diapers since I was 4.... (Really I vivadly remember tiptoeing on the crib as I stuck my hand with the diaper pin!!!and now I am changing hers.... For 8 years!!! She had a bad brain injury, that left her very weak on one side.(I have to lift and transfer her everywhere!!!) I had ENORMOUS compassion for her but NOTHING I have tried to do had ever been good enough for her Wether I make an art studio for for her, sleep at her feet. Try to bake with her, or take her a million places!!!!! I am NEVER good enough! My youngest daughter? )who is 20, who uprooted with us and slept on a floor a year till a room was built for her has even said: she treats all her other kids(who stay far, far, away,) like children, and she treats you like a slave! Iam ashamed I am so angry... But she is and has always been miserable! She made us think our father(who died 3 years ago.... But worked constantly for 5 years before(that's why I was there ALL the time), was a horrible person.... Now I grieve ever believing her.... Anyhow.... There is just too mucch...I am 49.... Lost my family.... After 30 years of marraige to the love of my life, feel so far away from him, and him from me I can't fathom it! I have never been a drinker(at all!).,, until the last year.... Cuz I can no longer deal with the utter isolation, misunderstanding, lack of anything really.... Compassion would go a long way. I actually begged my husband to read this forum so he could see I'm not just a horrible person! I gave up everything for my mom after my father died! She doesn't appreciate anything!!! I am so grateful I found this forum , I have just been feeling like I am a horrible person... Not so much anymore! Even now all she care about is getting her scrabble going on her ipad. In the mean time ,I am weeping on the couch , and feeling like I'm a horrible person on the couch beside her, and beside a husband who is oblivious to what I go through..... This sucks.... I really don't know how much more I can take! Thank you all, and may God bless you all for your sharing and honesty! Don't feel like you are accomplishing nothing.... You are savings lives.... Surely mine and others who feel so profoundly alone in their service.
I love you all.

All of you are venting the same thouhgts as me. I know and understand what you the person that posed this question and what the rest are saying as I too am taking care of my 88 year old mother (5 years now) who is critically ill and refuses to go to a rehab for additional follow up care from hospital. My son who lives her with his 3 year old baby and girlfriend is against me as well and has told me that he will never speak to me again if I try to have my mother removed from her house. I am mentally a New York minute from having a complete nervous breakdown and am asking my doctor to prescribe some new meds for myself to be able to continue doing everything for my mother. (she is diabetic, has COPD, high blood pressure, and arthritis unable to walk) I am 63 and have health issues as well and have explained to my mother how much I love her but that I am not physically or mentally able to continue caring for her. She says, you are my daughter and you are supposed to do this for me. With my son and my mother and brother against me trying to get my mother some outside help is too much to fathom. A social worker is coming in next week to determine if my mother is eligible for Medicaid. If so, many more resources would be available for her. She has outlived all of her assets and receives a small monthly pension. Sometimes I want to run far away and find a tranquil peaceful place where I can try to regain my sanity. I feel myself slipping further away from reality. Crying spells keep me from focusing throughout the day and night and with all of the responsibilities, I haven't had a social life in years, nor do I have time to think of myself as a person anymore. I feel so sad........Please pray for me and I will do the same for all of you going through this most difficult time. Thank you

Hmmm ... no "edit" button that I see. So we'll add under the above note that I rather feel I was too easily guilt-tripped back here (from out West, where weather was much nicer) by, "Why don't you just come home?" to which my financial woes as a widow added a bit of impetus.

Oh, man ... the gal who said it looks like her mother looks for things to pick a fight about ... I live that! And of course I cannot do anything right, either. If not picking a fight, it's putting me down. How I ever tho't that, once I'd married been widowed, etc, that I could live under the same roof w/someone who abused me as a kid, I don't know. Delusional tho'ts re such things not happening, once you're "all grown up" I guess. Well ... some things don't change, no matter how much you've grown/changed/recovered from living with them; if you come back, it's almost as if you never had a chance to leave .......

Debralee,
That was perfect! What you said is how I feel, exactly! I handle some of the stress by coming in this site with you good people and ranting. You get some wonderful responses! Its like talking to yourself when you're in a better frame of mind. One of the most upsetting things I see way too much of ( and I have this same problem) is so many of us have siblings that just don't bother. I don't answer phone when one sis calles to tell my how great her weekends are at the campground. The bro never DID call. The other sis will call me several times a week but sometimes I don't answer her calls either when I know she will be telling me all about her weekend to her mountain home or visiting with her grandkid ( and this is why she's too busy to help regularly). I also am so resentful of them and all their good times. I don't have very much me time so its like rubbing salt in an open sore. I'd they would get off there fun loving good time butts and help, we'd probably all have less stress.

Mewlan, I can relate to you very well. I live in constant nerve pain, including arthritis, and herniated discs. I take care of my dad alone (we live in same house). He has dementia and is completely helpless - can't walk, stand, use bathroom, etc. (and for the past three nights, he has woken me up with his bed alarm every 2 1/2 hours....being delusional, climbing out of bed throwing things, being sarcastic, crazy. I'm totally tapped out. I need to get him to a NH as soon as I can - with medicaid...as we are completely broke except for his monthly SS check. I cannot relate to anyone in my family anymore, or friends who don't know what this is like. I know I will have such guilt and sadness for doing it, but I'm at my wit's end. I keep thinking I can help him, make it better, etc. He rarely even knows who I am or where he is. What you wrote gives me hope...that there is life after caregiving. Best of luck with your getting healthy....and all the rest of us :)

After 5 years I realized that I was done...completely empty of all reserves to do caregiving. Besides the caregiving I had a major operation and got a serious nerve pain condition since 5 years ago, so I'm done...physically, mentally, everything. I found a nice place for my relative who was living with me to move to. She is very happy there, but still makes jab comments to me, but she is in a great place with nice people...so I don't worry about her. Along the way I also found out that there are now very nice places that take medicaid immediately which I didn't know about. I thought living with me was the only financially viable option. I was wrong. There are a lot of options other than me being the caregiver. I am also working to minimize any caregiving types of activities. I am nearly down to 4x a year doctor visits and 2x a year dentist. I'm fine with visiting every now and then but other than that, I cannot do any more caregiving. I went through my dad dying, then my mom's dementia and dying and 5 years of another relative. I'm done and I'm ok to let go and let another place do the caregiving no matter how many complaints that I hear.

I HATE answering things from my phone!!! My mom's dead, my dad doesn't talk to me. Actually that sentence could benefit from a semicolon. Sigh. What a difference punctuation makes.

Very interesting...about shame. There's a lot of shame/guilt in me. My grandparents took me in when I was small due to my mother's mental illness / drug abuse. I always felt like a burden. I always felt like I didn't belong. Later, when my Mom got sick, right before she died, I did some stupid things and my grandparents bailed me out. I always felt immense guilt over all that. I couldn't save Mom. I couldn't save grandaddy. Deep down I know I can't save my grandmother...but I still try. Every single day I try to figure out some way to make her life meaningful and poignant. I try to show her there are still good days, there's still sunlight and fresh flowers and fish in the pond outside her NH. I bring her a treat or a new blouse or something-anything-to make her day a little brighter. Or is it to ease my guilt that I couldn't move in with her myself? I couldn't bring myself to do it?

I had no idea what was in store for me back in October when this all started. I wasn't prepared...I had no clue. No idea. I know I keep harping on my age; I'm no spring chicken, but I'm still half young. None of my peers have any clue how it feels knowing you're taking care of the last of your parents, and there will be a long life ahead of you (Lord willing) without family. I know it's a step we all must take, but it seems so early for me. There seem to be so many years ahead without them in my life. When I'm with my S.O, and we're with his family, I feel so alien. it's absolutely nothing that they've done...it's just the turmoil inside because I feel tolerated...or they feel like their obligated...or something. I see the way his mother's eyes light up when she sees her son or daughter and I know that soon all of those lights will be out for me.

I know all of you probably has similar feelings. I've also had the ones where you're like I CAN'T DO THIS ANOTHER DAY WHEN WILL IT END??? And if you're like me, you realize that when the insanity DOES end, it means it ALL ends. Some days, it seems like an honest to goodness fair tradeoff to ease the suffering. Some days I feel suffocated by the inevitable loss.

*rambling*

aleece, I hope your moms dead dad doesn't talk to you!! :)

I agree about the lack of empathy and sympathy, I find it solo hard to listen to the same complaints constantly.

Oh my GOD when I get home I'm going to post more but again, everyone here is posting things that are right out of my head. But in the meantime just for the record it's just me. Mom's dead dad doesn't really talk to me. I was raised by my grandparents. Mom was schiZophrenic and so is my aunt. Auntis on all kinds of assistance but it's never enough.

In agreement with most all the posts. I feel numb, stone cold heart, tired and don't want to do it anymore. Love my family but I'm finally just tapped out. They wonder why I don't smile or laugh or joke anymore, obviously they just don't get it. My Mom is not mean spirited or anything and comparatively pretty cooperative. Just ignores me when I ask her to do something for her own good or as I said on the other post dismisses me like a stranger.

My sister thinks I'm her personal secretary/servant. She is a narcissist and may have BPD. It's hard to tell since she's addicted to so many painkillers.

At any rate. Yes. Emotionally drained and can't muster empathy or sympathy too much right now. I sure hope this gets better cause I've never been an uncaring person and it's just killing me to feel the way I do.

I agree with the FB comments.. I deleted my account for all the same reasons.. I don't miss it at all.. Bunch of bulls**t!

I had to respond to the couple comments here referencing facebook.
Facebook is a giant brag page - yuk!!
Of course no one likes to look at other people's "so called" perfect lives. It's all a mirage - not healthy and It makes people hate each other.

I lay in the bed at night and do way too much thinking on all the what if's. Last night/early morning it was this thread that wouldn't leave my thoughts... for a long time I was wondering what was wrong with me. Was I becoming a mean bitter person? Did I hate everyone? Was I scared and depressed and just wanted to hide away in this prison.... I, like all the other posters here, just feel all used up with this responsibility here that there is no way I could take on anymore. I know I need to get a handle on this before mom hits the next level. If I'm struggling now, I can't imagine...

I went so far as to delete my siblings from my FB, I deleted my son and his friends and well, basically, I deleted my entire family. Why? I did NOT want to see all the fun they were having (especially my two older brothers who live 15 mins away) I felt such resentment towards them and everything they got to do and I can't even get a few hours a week respite from them. What I don't know won't hurt me, especially in this regard.

Wishing everyone the best!

well.... that's just a little disconcerting ;) thanks for the heads up!

Ever worry about when we write something and AC posts the article about caregivers who kill in the Discussion section? :-D

I feel the exact same way all the time. I am a middle school nurse, so I feel hammered by needs all day long. Only to get off work, run up to the hospital to pick up my mom from visiting my dad. (who has been hospitalized for 2 months now) I have to arrange mom's ride to the hospital for the next day. And then decide if I am going to cook or pick up dinner.... and help her with her shower and get her ready for the next day. Meanwhile listening to her list of things she needs my help with. Meanwhile I feel my chest tightening as the list grows. I feel like I give 26 hours of the day. And as an only child, it all falls to me. I am exhausted, and stressed out. I am encouraged when I realize that I am not the only one feeling this way.

I feel all used up a lot of the time. Much of my energy is used up by my mother arguing at me. I can't argue back, so there is no winning. To tell the truth, I dread being around her because I know she'll start something. Yesterday it was about some new lawn chairs that I bought for myself. She wanted them in the front yard all the time so she could use them. To her they are hers even though I paid for them. She seems to look for things to try to pick a fight and it is exhausting.

I've also been dealing with the realization that I have been living with a feeling of shame during my life. I wondered how many other people who become caregivers for their parents have a shame-based personality. I imagine that many people who were raised by narcissistic or neglectful parents do. I've often wondered why I am here, and wonder if the feeling that I owe something to the world has something to do with it.

All this was brought on by something that happened two days ago. My mother said that if she hadn't taken me in, I'd be out on the streets. That was a strange statement because I'm here after her pleading for 5-10 years and me getting a divorce. I have retirement savings when time comes to tap into it, so money is not an issue with me. I'm not rich or poor, just one that will squeak by. I also work from home, but she says it isn't a REAL job. Sheesh! For some reason she needs to make me feel shame, and it made me realize how much this has hurt me during my life... and how it probably set me up for being her caregiver while my brothers are enjoying their lives.

But everyday is a new start. Sometimes we have to realize what has happened before we can make it change. Sorry to hijack the thread. I am so bad to ramble.

aleese, your last paragraph struck such a chord with me. I often feel the same exact way. I'm so sorry you are feeling that way.Sounds like you are not getting any help either. And you're pretty young too, for having to do so much for your family members. Have you looked into any state or federal assistance for your aunt? Are your parents able to assist at all? I know that the only ones who know what your going through, are those who are doing it now, or have done it. Ramble all you want. That's what we're all here for. ((hugs))

My immature, emotionally needy mother drained me dry over the years. It was always me she turned to first in pursuit of what she wanted, irregardless of how it affected me. It destroyed any mother/daughter relationship a long time ago. Today I regard her as a burden and distance myself as much as possible. There is absolutely no positive emotionally feelings toward her, just resentment. She will never stop trying to use me first for her needs no matter how many boundaries I build. I am not an only child, but she is very reluctent to ask my siblings for help. She doesn't want to burden them. Just waiting for the day when I can truely be emotionally free from her pursuits.

every single one of you has hit on something that is exactly how I feel. My GOD I'm thankful it wasn't just me.

Ache, I cringe when I see certain people calling / text messaging because I can't either deal with their superficial bs, or I don't feel like I have the strength left to be "normal." I can't seem to care about that next test that they have in xyz class. I REALLY don't care if they passed it or not. And I certainly don't care about lame Facebook posts or pictures or whatever. I just do not care.

CMC I have gotten to the snapping phase with my aunt. She's schizophrenic and I"m trying to make sure she has the things she needs as well. She needs to be in a facility, imho, but of course I can't force her. I tell her how her mother is doing and she responds with "Can I borrow some money." Didn't I just tell you about all the financial problems we have now? Do you not even care?

Grasshoppa you said something that really hit me. Exercise plan. Between late 2011 and mid 2013 I'd lost around 70 lbs. I was going to the gym at least 3 but mostly 4 times a week. I planned meals and snacks. Since my grandmother fell ill in October, between homes and hospitals and financial/emotional/physical burnout, keeping my eating habits and exercise regimen has been damn near impossible. In fact, I've gained about 15 pounds since December. That annihilates my progress and self worth and I'm in constant fear about being obese again. I worked too hard to fail. But then again, i'd quit smoking too...and every here and there I have a cigarette now. Not proud of myself. But I put so much energy into the things that have to be done for my grandmother and aunt I just don't have the energy to fight myself with some things. One more commitment. One more demand. You're exactly right. I wrote a journal entry called "one more thing' which outlined everything that I have to do in a day and how some days, that "one more thing' is the thing that makes me completely break down.

Janny I don't know how people are coping. Which is why I'm here. And I don't even do as much as all of you do. My heart bleeds for the people in this forum who change diapers and give baths and all of that. I don't do any of that. I can't. I'm 36 and work full time, but what time I'm not at work I'm with my grandmother at the facility, or taking my aunt here or there to make sure she's fed and taken care of.

Sole I've wondered the same thing. How do other countries handle eldercare? Do other countries make the elderly lose everything they've worked for their whole lives just to get care in their later years? If they're cared for at home, HOW? What programs help them? Do families have jobs? If not, how do they care for themselves? Is the quality of life better? After strolling through nursing facilities over the past 6 months I've thought SURELY other parts of the world do better than we do. I've even wondered how tribal nations handle aging, because with some facilities I've visited, I've thought ANYTHING could be better!

Seriously. I don't feel like i have anything to offer anyone anymore. I do have a domestic partner, and he's wonderful. But I feel like so much of a burden to other people. I don't have anything left to say. Everything I have to say revolves around the crapp going on with my family. And that's depressing and boring now so I try to keep my mouth shut. I can't identify with my best friend's new baby (no children myself) , I can't identify with my S.O's school work, or my best friend's law school woes, I can't identify with anyone or anything. I feel like I'm on a little island somewhere. And it's not that a select few aren't sending lifeboats to my island...it's that I can't get on one of the boats and leave. So what's the point in even getting on the boat if I can't leave.

I'm rambling again.

omg, yes. today in particular. I take care of my dad alone. I suffer from my own physical problems, and today I'm hurting extra bad. I have sisters who live near by, but won't help. Only a few will call, usually to shoot the breeze or tell me about their problems, etc. I'm to the point I won't even answer the phone when I see it's them. I have a daughter living with me who has no empathy or compassion and won't help with anything....just stays in her room. I have no patience left for any of them. I'm barely hanging in there. My only relief is when Dad dies. How awful is that!? I was talking to a friend of mine who just put her dad into AL after caring for him for a year. (I'm going on 6 years) I brought up to her I wonder how the elderly sick are cared for in other countries? Especially Sweden, Norway, etc. where the quality of life is very high. We are all burning out!

God, I hear you all loud and clear. This sounds like some kind of epidemic or something. When, do you think, they will come up with a cure? How are people expected to go on like this? How are people supposed to find day to day strength when they are already so drained? I hope the future holds some answers.