My fil is 97. Vascular issues, had toes on right foot amputated. Refuses to go to rehab. Sil (POA for financial and medical) encouraged home care for rehabilitation. Sil and her husband are afraid of fil going into a facility and not coming home. Their eyes are on his house, then his rehabilitation.
My husband had a heart attack and stents over past 6 months. Sil has no consideration of this and still pushes situation on him to go to the house when fil has a fall or other issue. We’ve had 2 in past week and my husband and his brother in law (who’s 80) are expected to lift the fil into the car for dr visits. Meanwhile sil does paperwork and not too much else.
She's been warned by me several times that his help is limited only as he sees fit. But he allows her to guilt him into action.
Sickening, I’ve complained to the VNA about them needing more help. My fil may do better in a few weeks but it’s unknown.
I've decided to wait and see what happens next. My husband doesn’t mind helping but there’s a limit.
I aggravate myself and all I hear is how fil wants to be home but at everyone’s detriment.
I have a social worker from VNA contacting sil to suggest more help.
Hoping it doesn’t fall on deaf ear.
Any suggestions?
Rehab would be impossible without his behaviors being stabilized. He is a danger to himself and others. REFUSE to bring him home he needs more care than can be provided by home care. DO NOT let him influence the decision to go to psych facility.
His assets are for his care first, anything remaining, Is inheritance of which there may be none. His house needs to be sold. Is SIL is not addressing his needs a report to Adult Protective Services may help.
You seem very detached from the situation. You posted on the 6th and just now responded. Are you certain what is happening? You do not have POA, but that does not mean you cannot speak up to the medical pros. Do not expect them to tell you anything. They should only disclose the HIPPA protected information.
Agree Grandma1954 (one wise G'ma) - this is your Husband's battle.
I get it though. You SEE it. That cloud of F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt) drift over your Husband. So he goes to help (maybe even after saying no).
Have seen my DH do same. He says he will help 'with limits' too. He hasn't spent much time thinking about his limits (not a planner like me) just decides on the spot. Imho having a clearer plan is beneficial & fair. It would let SIL actually make realistic plans too.
If your DH has SIL bossing him to get over there in one ear & you telling him to stay home in the other he will be worn down. And confused. (A man cannot have two masters).
In your shoes, I would probably want to wring SILs neck & throw a fit.. but would try to stay 'professional'. Offer options (as you are) then step back & let her choose. Do the same with your DH.
Saying no to family can be hard (he's probably been trained to obey remember) But maybe provide him some language if he wants to say no & cannot. Eg: "I really can't lift Dad anymore. So the next fall you will need to call Emergency Services/Fire Dept - not me."
From experience I can tell you the first time is the hardest. Then it's routine. Oh another fall, call ems then.
He is the one that is making the decision to help out and risk his health and life by going over and lifting someone.
By the way no one should be doing any lifting of a person that has fallen. Call 991 and ask for a Lift Assist. 99.9% of the time it is a free service as long as the person is NOT transported to the hospital. But having professionals lift the person they are trained to do it in a manner that will not hurt the person they are lifting AND they are trained so that they themselves will not be injured. (and I can bet that none of them have had a heart attack and stents put in)
By the way..because this is me...is your FIL a Veteran? If so the VA can and will provide caregivers. Not a lot of hours but it might help and depending on where and when he served he might qualify for a little help or a LOT. If he is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they will let you know what he might qualify for.
I don't think that many 97 yo's are safe to live on their own. He may say he wants to be home, but when people can not safely do so, it is really no longer up to them to decide.
All you can do is give your opinion and pull back from any level of support you are giving. You can suggest the same to your hubby, but that is really his decision to make.
Good luck.
Many, many times it requires an emergency for everyone to see and understand that an elder is no longer safe at home. If he is not considered incapacitated then he has a legal right to decide where he resides, even if others think it unsafe.
Don't enable an unsafe situation, but you can only do that for yourself as that is the only person that you can control.
SIL is detached and doesn’t understand age related problems. She somehow thinks everything will just go away .
Best to you