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I ask this question because there is such a correlation.............mental and physical status.
My husband died a horrible cancer death and I was constantly at his side. He was the love of my life. Due to his relentless pain, neither he or I slept and emotionally I felt like my heart was being crushed. I had tons of adrenaline going - especially for the final 6 months. The morning after his funeral, I woke in pain. Spine spasms non stop for many hours. I wasn't even able to move as it felt like every muscle in my body was cramping - like a leg cramp - everywhere! (I am never sick, not a complainer, this was entirely - not like me.') Anyway, the doctor at ER said that after prolonged adrenaline rush - months in my case -the funeral ended the adrenaline rush abruptly. In that case, a person may react in his/her weakest area. (My back had been bothering me for a few months previously but not a big deal). Anyway, that experience taught me a lot about stress. Any other experiences like this?

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The tenderness and humanity that I find on this website has been a great comfort to me. And many stories worse than mine have made me feel humble. Bless all. Keep on. We'll make it.
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patooski....I feel just like you.I have just wanted to go on and be with my Parents in Heaven,not excited about continuing on,but like you say they would want us to be strong and happy so I am trying to go on as best I can.
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vstefans, this is so true about the grief. It IS physical pain. It seems to me to be in the center of us and around our hearts. And it starts before they pass as you know deep down what is coming. 

Oh for the days when we had more help. I think these days, yes, it can kill you. Also I can say for myself, I did have thoughts of wanting to be with them too, after the passing. First my mother, then my father. Not really suicidal in a violent way, but not excited about going on with living, either. They seemed to represent such a better life. Better values. Trying to get over all that now and trying to have some enthusiasm about the present. Don't want to be ungrateful. They would want us to be strong and happy as they sacrificed so much to give us that. 

We just don't have enough family help these days, in my opinion. 
 
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Yes. For me, when my dad had his stroke and became bedridden. I was taking care of 2 bedridden parents. My borderline high cholesterol (per the annual blood tests it was not from eating the wrong food - but from lifestyle/STRESS) shot up so high, so fast. My doctor was worried because I became a high risk heart attack candidate.
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Besides just the emotional stress, there is the physical aspect of not attending to your own physical needs and care. Cramps and pain automatically make me think of vitamin D, potassium, and magnesium deficiencies. I have had those post-adrenaline let-downs, but they are not usually associated with pain as the most prominent symptom, just terrible fatigue and down-ness. OTOH, you absolutely can feel grief as physical pain.
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I have found all your responses very helpful, thank you for giving of yourselves so those of us who are still questioning what we are doing will have some idea of how to decide what to do.
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Yes I agree it can kill. Friend tried for 5 years to care for his wife - in their 60s, but she had bad alzheimers. He tried to work in his business every day too. He became suicidal - had it all planned out. Ended up in a mental institution for a while and then got out, kept trying and had a second "breakdown". Finally she went into a care facility and he is doing OK.
I also had so much stress helping my father for 3 years. Only 3! so short compared to so many here. I was 66 when I started. I know I aged 10 years. My blood pressure would be higher than his many times and mine has always been very low. I had chest pains, panic attacks, didn't breathe right... and after he passed away it was worse - deep depression, put on weight. Just now coming out of it. A year and half since he died. Be careful if you can and try to take care of yourself - it is just about impossible, I know.
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I agree with the caregivers on this page that stress and caregiving can definitely either threaten your health by death or cause other illnesses to surface. I lived with my mother for 25 years raising my son and the last seven years I took care of my mother 24/7. I ran myself ragged dressing her and dragging her to doc appointments, and nonstop dealing with her COPD which landed her in the hospital with pneumonia several years while caring for her. It had gotten so bad, I checked myself in to the hospital for caregiver burnout. It is real. I finally took the advice of my physician and priest to move out and begin taking care of myself since I do not have a husband or companion. Now I have Emphysema and sciatica and can barely take care of myself. I still take care of my mother out of guilt every morning and afternoon but now I find myself worrying about my son who is living there with his family and trying to work and take care of my mother at night and on weekends. I fear that he will eventually burnout too. So, in my opinion, if you can get over the guilt and remorse of having to place your parent in a facility, I say look into to it, because who is going to take care of you if you become ill? It will probably be one of the toughest decisions you will have to make in your life, and I know I felt selfish for moving out, but the act of sacrificing all is too much for one person to take on. Do it before a parent loses their cognitive thinking skills. God bless
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I have a wonderful Mother. I have been with her 24 x 7 in her apartments with her in Two Senior Facilities. The first was a rogue facility and dysfunctional family members that took us from Independent Living where they butted in when I was POA of Health Care. It was a trio of power against me, Mother, Mother's PCP and an Emergency Room Dr. who put in the Hospital notes that there was no reason Mother couldn't go back to her Independent Living Apartment. They forced us out of IL to Personnel Care. I was not permitted to stay with Mom overnight In PC and upon complaining about negligence, abuse, the effect of mixing up eyedrops for Mother's Glaucoma and sexual abuse that my hours were cut to 5 days a week 4 hours a day. I was drug through the mud. My son and I got Mother out of there after much damage to her health and eyes. I am still POA of Health Care and the advice that the POA of Health Care should also be the POA of Financial matters for the LO is good.  The bad facility never would have gone in attack mode against me if I was the one making out the monthly check for the facility.
            Mother and I are at better facility. Mother has improved but will never be where she was by the time we got to her remove her from the abuse. The same goes for me. There is a warm loving atmosphere in the new facility. They are just wonderful. I stay with Mother but was reluctant to bring my oxygen tank with me as that caused issues at the former facility. After 6 months in the new facility my PCP told me to ask management to work something out so I could bring my Oxygen tank to Mother's apartment. I was slowly putting my health at risk for Mother. I thought I was doing a good job, keeping within my diet requirements, of low salt, fat and sugar in the new facilities dining room and walking up and down the steps and outside around the building but the stress from the former facility had taken its toll with a whole new health areas of concern and a list of Dr. appointments which I had not been keeping up with.  I am in the middle of a laser and lens procedures for my eyes due to cataracts. Don't wait too long to keep Dr. appointments and take care of your health. I am thinking back to Colorado when I was living at tree line and skiing every day I could and was brimming with health and energy given the conditions I have to treat. Thinking back to the fresh water source we had in Colorado. We have just installed a water purifier on the kitchen faucet that screens out lead and mercury, etc. We all have a real duty to our LO's who rely on us to live longer so we don't throw our LO's into others hands. Remembering 30% of Caretakers die before there LO's. Everyone take care of yourself. Blessings to all for the tasks you have taken on.  Through reading about this topic on Aging Care I made changes to get myself health to care instead of biting the bullet to spend all my time with Mother.
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Chronic depression, anxiety, cardiac issues, dissassociative disorder, eczema, IBS, and I could go on. My solution? Going very low-to-no contact. I think it does help. And every time Old Man Guilt comes to call, I tell him my life is no longer available. I've sacrificed enough.
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Mary, bless you. There has to be a special place in heaven for caregivers like you. My sister and I had only a small taste of that kind of behavior because Mom was in AL and NH so we didn't have to live with it 24/7. Even so, sis ended up with colon CA, and I had to take tranquilizers before spending time with Mom. We all understand what you meant - you don't love the stranger your husband has become. I think you and most caregivers still dearly love the parent/spouse they used to be and that is why they care for the "stranger" they are now - it is done out of love for the real person who we know is still inside them, somewhere. Please take care of yourself, see your doctor to get some help with the stress you are under.
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I mentioned that I didn't love my husband due to his Alzheimer's.
That's not true. I am having trouble facing all issues. marymember
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Marymember. God love your heart. Its hard isn't it? Some days impossible. I suggest when he follows you, that you distract him with something he might enjoy. Such as, if he used to be handy, he would be a big "help" sorting these nails and screws, or a puzzle (if he can), etc. It sounds like he's wandering and fidgety. If you haven't already, read the book The 36 Hour Day. Its a Godsend.
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Stress is getting hold of me each and every day and each and every night. I feel like I can not keep handling this. I am 81 years old and my husband is 79 and has been diagnosed for five years with Alzheimer's. I do not love him. But he loves me, or at least I think he does, even though he doesn't know who I am. He does absolutely nothing all day long except to sleep and eat and watch television. He doesn't have a clue of what he is watching. He cannot hear and won't wear hearing aids, and looses them if he does wear them and I cannot always find them.
He follows me around and that I don't like.
He doesn't take showers nor does he brush his teeth and he sleeps in his clothes.
I have Visiting Angels once a week and have them deal with the shower problem occasionally. To get him to shower takes work. First, he has to be convinced to take a shower. He has to have a reason, and it has to be believable. Then, one has to rushinto the bathroom and whisk up the dirty clothes and replace them with clean clothes or else he will put the dirty ones back on.
He doesn't know me, nor does he know his children, I have
always wanted to have more children and now I have my wish, only this child is a grown adult. marymember
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Yes. Caregiving can kill you. If you have a wonderful parent, not likely. If you have one with Narcissistic Personality Dissorder, definitely. The constant baiting, troublemaking, jealousy and overall nastiness can cause the caregiver to have a heart attack. Our doctors became alarmed after my husband's and my test results came back. Our hearts were constantly racing after we moved mom in. The tests were fine before she moved in. They determined the cause was my mother and put us both on tranquilizers. Because of her personality, no nursing home will take her.
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Ashlylnne, that's heartbreaking - narcissist to the end, she can't believe that her personal disaster is not reversible, and not the single top priority of someone, somewhere, who can rescue her and spare no expense. Keep taking care of yourself. I imagine you are terrified of the emotions you may feel when she actually passes on. I know its not what you'd expect, but the worse the relationship - and your is one of the worst ever - the harder the final parting. There is none of that peace that comes mixed with the sadness of a life well lived coming to its natural end; there is the more bitter grief of mourning what could have been, and the seemingly endless supply of guilt and recrimination that got internalized during all the years of F.O.G. that came before. You would think you might feel a sense of relief that the source of poison dripping into your life has ceased to be, but the guilt of feeling that may leave you feeling a sort of coldness instead. Please do not feel bad about needing to medicate to get through it, because there is no way out BUT through, and there is a LOT or layers of it to get through.

It is good that if you go at all it is with simple errands to run - little things you can do, something concrete and defined that gets you in and out of the otherwise potentially endless trap of trying to create happiness and peace for someone with so very little capacity for it. And, anytime you find to connect with others, to have some experience of helping and not being criticized, of helping freely and receiving gratitude freely will help heal you and immunize you against becoming so miserably self-absorbed like her. Which is not to say that just going to the movies or enjoying some solitary pleasure in your life would be bad either! Anything that nurtures and supports your burdened heart the way it should have been nurtured and fed all your life may do some good and strengthen you for what comes next.
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I see I posted back on April 11 and things haven't changed much. Mommie Dearest is still at it and I dread visiting. What prompted me to post again was that so many of you mentioned heart palpitations. I've been visiting once or twice a week, purely out of duty, to run her errands. Mostly she's sleeping all the time but sometimes, like a couple of days ago, she was agitated, demanding I find her somewhere else to live, trying to think of anyone she ever knew who would take her in and care for her 24/7 (free of charge naturally). She's bed ridden and in diapers, barely able to speak and unable to sit up by herself. Someone's going to wait on her hand and foot 24/7 for free? Ummm, nope, but she'll have none of it ... there must be someone, there must be somewhere nurses can be hired to work around the clock for free. Ugh! Sheis in a lovely NH with private room/bath and wonderful care but it's not good enough, as nothing ever has been or ever will be.

Though usually barely able to speak, she was on about the man who comes with me and stays, sleeping under her bed, wondering how her parents were (she refused to lift a finger to help them and they'd been gone 40 years), rambling on in total flying madness.

I haven't been to a doc in 15 years but having moved away from the city I signed up with a local one recently, especially since my carpal tunnel is getting worse and I want to get that fixed.. He's an older man, very on the ball and quite the character. First thing, my blood pressure is high ... I wonder why? ...so he sent me for an EKG and blood tests. I see him again in 10 days but I doubt there will be change. I've had palpitations and a banging stomach for a long time..

The doc knows Mommie Dearest is in a NH but has no idea of what has gone on over the years ... over my lifetime in fact thanks to this evil woman ... and when I see him again I'm going to tell him all about it. He has to be fully in the picture. Perhaps not visiting and taking anxiety meds (for a while as I don't like the idea of drugs) will help me get back to normal, though I've forgotten what "normal" is.
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I was caregiving my client passed away on 10/6/2014, on 9/3/2014, i became very ill, as I was assisting her in a assisted living facility, and got a nasty Hospital Acquired Bug, and I will say, I almost died, but came too, after I ended up in the hospital in January, so that was 8 months out of my life, and I stayed away from Elder Care, but care is care, and regardless what type know your boundaries.
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Short answer, yes...

Long answer, that post-adrenaline let-down thing can hit like a ton of bricks. And we just had someone whose total care child died pass on herself in short order. I remember the overwhelming fatigue when we got to a hotel after my Dad's funeral...I felt suddenly too exhausted even to stand, and could not even carry luggage to our room. It was a nice hotel and we took our time the next morning before hitting the road again.

Marialake, I hope you are doing better, and maybe joined a grief support group, but above all can treat yourself kindly and well, especially on all those first holidays without and the anniversaries that sneak up on you.
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Ancient Egyptian retainer sacrifice is a type of human sacrifice in which Pharoahs would have servants (caregivers) killed after the Pharoah's death's to continue to serve them in the afterlife.
Wikipedia says, yes, caregiving can kill you!
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Dear Dianek68, I had the same thing. After a night in the hospital, I realized it was the 2nd anniversary of my husband's stroke. Talk about psychosomatic! Still, even with nitroglycerine, I was in pain until midnight. We caregivers must remember to give ourselves some care, too.
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When my Mom first got real sick and the hospital told us she was dying I cried so hard I vomited and my heart felt like it literally would burst out of my chest. I'm sure the stress of caregiving and the sadness of losing someone could very easily kill someone especially if they already have underlying health issues.
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Yes, I had a similar experience. My step mother died after a long (year long) illness and I had been very close to her and taking care of her for the most part and actually been away when she actually passed with a Hospice care nurse there. And I came home and had to handle all the funeral tasks. I had been taking care of her prior to that and my relief was a niece of mine and on the way home after she passed my niece was in a fatal accident as well. So I had two major instances of anxiety and heartfelt pain all at once. I didn't make it through my nieces funeral and had to go to the hospital for congestive heart failure. So yes, the stress can kill you from taking care of someone else. and especially if they are the ones most important in your life at that time.
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Katie, mine too - switched to sugared donuts.....seriously, what I found is that the mint and chocolate relax the muscle in my esophagus that allows the reflux. Little, frequent meals helps a lot, drinking less water at one time but more frequently. Plain rice with a little butter is my go to.
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Thank you! Guess what my stress food is.....chocolate! Going to have to stop!
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Katie, I've found that mint and chocolate are triggers for my reflux, and I have to watch not eating or drinking much in the evening so I'm not full when I go to bed. Hoping the house comes thru for you.
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Dear Katie, I'm hoping all the best for you two.
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We are trying to move out. In fact, we just put earnest money down on a new home. I hope all will go through and we can get our lives back again. Yes, I also just started the acid reflux meds too. Thank you, we will need all the luck we can get.
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Katiepresley, If Dad doesn't really need a caregiver, can you move out? If he can bathe, fix food and take his meds he sounds pretty independent. Sounds like you and hubby have more pressing medical issues. Some sort of acid reducing pill (prilosec, nexium, et al) might help your stomach pain. Good luck
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I truly believe it can. Lost my sister four years ago and mom two years ago. My hubby and I were mom's caregiver. My healthy father did nothing. Now he wants to be treated like mom, except he only has blood pressure that is controlled by meds.
Hubby developed fibromyalgia and now has severe headaches. Since we lost mom, I have become depressed. Three days ago hubby and I went to our doctor and he puts us on anti-anxiety meds to deal with this old man. Now I am having stomach pains, tired, and neither of us can sleep. So yes,
I do believe it can kill you.
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