My mom thinks that its easy breezy to care for her, that there shouldn't be any stress involved. I think stress has caused my body to start breaking down. I went to doctor 6 months ago because of ear pain which turned into jaw pain (I had been grinding my teeth at night and when I woke up I would find my finger prints indented into the palms of my hands) doctor told me I had TMJ and a whole lot of stress. He recommended me to go see a mental health clinic, my mom was furious over that comment and told me I was fine and didn't need to go see anyone. 2 months after that I had severe face, head, and neck pain all on my right side. Went to doctor and he diagnosed me with Trigeminal Neurolgia. I was given Tegritol for it. Is all the stress causing this, can it cause this? I haven't been sleeping very well, my mom won't let me go to sleep at a decent hour because she doesn't think she can go long without me being around so I'm lucky if I get to bed by 12 or 1 a.m. I feel like I'm constantly being grumbled at for something. I have been told not stop that I'm lazy and selfish. When I told mom that I wanted some help to care for her, she told me she only wanted me to take care of her--then I got a speel about how when she was young and had 4 kids she cared for all of them and the household and never once complained. Someone please help-I feel like I'm going crazy!
You say that she is a very consuming woman. I assume that means she's been a narcissistic selfish person her entire life? What is the condition of her health presently? Have you tried setting boundaries with her? Does she emotionally blackmail you via Fear of making her angry, Obligation of being her personal 24/7 caregiver despite the fact you are a cancer survivor, have a child to home school and another one who may need brain surgery, and Guilt for even thinking about yourself and your own needs? Who has medical and durable POA for her?
Does she have any means by which she can afford someone coming into the house and give you a break? Does she have long term care insurance? Has she made you promise her to never put her in a nursing home?
All in all, you are worth taking care of yourself and that not just because she is all you have or that you are all that your children have. You are a valuable person who is worth taking care of yourself because you are you.
You are not guilty of doing anything wrong legally or morally wrong. You just saw things for how they were and made some tough choices. Does your mother try to make you feel guilty for that? If so, that's emotional blackmail. If you can't shake the unfounded guilt, then maybe you would benefit from seeing a therapist to help you work past that. I wish you well.
If you won't put her in a nursing home, or if she refuses to go the only thing you can do is change the way you react or as cmagnum says detach, I don't how you can do that when it is with you every day. I couldn't. The emotional rollercoaster really started when I did put my mother into care which is just beautiful with lovely staff that are paid to take care of her every need. The guilt, the manipulation has got worse as you can imagine I am the crap daughter who has turned my back on her and put her in the living hell that she now lives...I realised it doesn't matter whether she was living with me or not I still have that awful feeling of dread.
I have decided on no contact with her she is 84, and believe me it is not easy. She won't let go easily, and by getting my sister and her only friend to text and call me yesterday at my new job, ruined my day completely, I could've sat down and cried. I couldn't sleep last night wondering how did this all happen.
The ONLY thing I can do is change how I react to her carryings on, I have 2 choices 1) to put up and shut up and accept this is my lot end of or 2) I have a life, I am a good person that deserves to be happy and not just exist to please my mother, I have this life its up to me to steer it in the direction I want it to go...Personally I opt for 2) it's just as hard as option 1) maybe even harder...but the outcome has got to be better. My advice (and I'm doing this too everyday), is you have to toughen up, don't be bullied anymore, your life is important, and the choice is yours to just exist or actually live it...(someone got tough with me, and I tell you best thing ever, tho sometimes I want to crawl into a corner somewhere and rock lol....
It distresses me that her sister has not been to visit her since mom broke her hip. However, when it looked like she would die, my aunt was quick to ask for something mom had promised her if mom died first. My aunt is extremely prim and proper, but I know about the skeletons in her closet. It is a shame that her brother did not visit her when he had a chance because it might be too depressing, and now he is dead.
Not all nursing homes are the same. Some will take persons who have only medicaid if they qualify.
It starts out for all the right reasons and after years it can be all negative and you don't want to live. Do something now, don't wait!!!