When caring for someone, how much stress is too much and what does this stress do to our bodies?

I say it might be time for you to get your life back; stop caregiving before you feel like you are dead inside!!!

It starts out for all the right reasons and after years it can be all negative and you don't want to live. Do something now, don't wait!!!

OK, just make a doctor appointment for yourself and put your mother under either a temporary private or nursing home. If you doctor confirms that your own health is suffering, then sorry, your mother needs to be put into a permanent care arrangement and your caregiving duties are terminated. You are then no longer available to care for your mother; do not feel guilty about accepting help even if your mother gets mad at you. You have faith that you are properly taking care of yourself.

I can't say that my mother is ok with being in a nursing home, but she would not be ok without it. Fortunately, she thinks that she's only been there 2 months, but the reality is 2 1/2 years. Her dementia plus her "I want to be begged into accepting help outlook" hindered her working with PT to regain her ability to walk after falling and breaking her hip. I wonder sometimes if it is not the hip breaks and then comes the fall. Thus, my mother has been totally bed ridden for two and a half years.

It distresses me that her sister has not been to visit her since mom broke her hip. However, when it looked like she would die, my aunt was quick to ask for something mom had promised her if mom died first. My aunt is extremely prim and proper, but I know about the skeletons in her closet. It is a shame that her brother did not visit her when he had a chance because it might be too depressing, and now he is dead.

Not all nursing homes are the same. Some will take persons who have only medicaid if they qualify.

shadow.. if you could afford a nursing home would your mom be ok w/it?? I only ask because my mom would never ever be ok w/that idea.. If that is an option for you.. they have so much assistance available now.. for even the better ones.. it is not like it use to be yrs. ago..where if you couldn't afford private you had to settle for a pit.. I also am w/out help.. but on here..we are not alone..

When reading over the comments to all the different questions, I know I am not alone. I am struggling with what to do. Mom is getting worse. I feel so alone &I get no help. Went part time so I can be home more, but I feel like a prisoner. I am so stressed. Reading what other people are going through is helping. Want to put her in a nursing home but don't think we can afford it.

It's so ironic.. to get replys from people whom I've never met yet are so on target w/my situation.. I can relate to why my sisters have made the choice to not deal.. but I don't have that choice..I feel it would be so much easier if we pulled together and not apart..I have told them that it has gotten the best of me and I dont know what to do about saving myself from the stress of it all catching up one day.. i know I would never turn my back on them.. rubyjkat.. I am so sorry your day was filled w/that emotional mess.. but you are on the road to pulling your life together(as hard as it is).. and you most definently deserve it.. I do try to be "tough" and take the time to think of me..but honestly I am so burntout that when I do take the time its usually filled w/guilt for taking the time.. (if that makes any sense).. as long as you know your mom is safe..and well cared for.. You are free to do what you need to do for YOU!!.. I pray to have God open a door for me of any kind of help..or a break.. (then again finding this site..is God sent)

Your mum sounds exactly like mine, until you realise that no matter how 'good' you are to her, it will never be enough. If she is anything like my mother, she will feel this is your duty to her, and you will look after her no matter what your situation is. Your mother knows you well and will 'play' on those vunerabilities of yours. As sad as it sounds your sisters may well be mean not wanting to help out, but just maybe they just want to live their lives peacefully without drama...I don't know. All families have dramas but alot seem to be centred around the matriach of the family, which from my experience seems to be the mother.

If you won't put her in a nursing home, or if she refuses to go the only thing you can do is change the way you react or as cmagnum says detach, I don't how you can do that when it is with you every day. I couldn't. The emotional rollercoaster really started when I did put my mother into care which is just beautiful with lovely staff that are paid to take care of her every need. The guilt, the manipulation has got worse as you can imagine I am the crap daughter who has turned my back on her and put her in the living hell that she now lives...I realised it doesn't matter whether she was living with me or not I still have that awful feeling of dread.

I have decided on no contact with her she is 84, and believe me it is not easy. She won't let go easily, and by getting my sister and her only friend to text and call me yesterday at my new job, ruined my day completely, I could've sat down and cried. I couldn't sleep last night wondering how did this all happen.

The ONLY thing I can do is change how I react to her carryings on, I have 2 choices 1) to put up and shut up and accept this is my lot end of or 2) I have a life, I am a good person that deserves to be happy and not just exist to please my mother, I have this life its up to me to steer it in the direction I want it to go...Personally I opt for 2) it's just as hard as option 1) maybe even harder...but the outcome has got to be better. My advice (and I'm doing this too everyday), is you have to toughen up, don't be bullied anymore, your life is important, and the choice is yours to just exist or actually live it...(someone got tough with me, and I tell you best thing ever, tho sometimes I want to crawl into a corner somewhere and rock lol....

As hard as it is to do, try to detach with love instead of going into the fix it mode. You didn't make your mom's life the way it is now. You can't fix it, nor can you control it. Sounds like she's grown extremely dependent upon you although, as you say, her health is better than yours on most days. Has your mother ever been evaluated for depression or mood swings? Unless one has a chemical or situational reason to be depressed, to a large extent happiness is a choice. The begging to eat sounds more like a game a passive aggressive game to me. As negative and moody as she sounds, no wonder your sisters don't want to have anything to do with her. Plus, it might be that they are too much like her to begin with. I've seen what you mean about nursing homes and thus, I am glad that my mother is in a good one with long term care insurance. I hope you can detach emotionally instead of getting caught up in the drama.

Wow.. I knew this was a support site..never did I imagine I would get this much support..Thank you to each and everyone..and I mean that.. As every family has their drama..mine does also..so to fully explain why my sisters are not a part of helping w/my mom would take pages.. but I will say they are the most selfish people I know.. I have asked my one sister to just free me up a bit to call mom daily..but she does not want to be bothered w/moms negetivity..moms moods..problems..none of it.. she doesnt want the stress.. so in turn my guilt comes from the feeling of "moms old now (82) she needs me..shes lonely..her life has gone from doing everything her way in her home to moving into mine and having to adjust to how I do things..(she doesn't like that)..her health is I think actually better then mine on most days..she does have some health issues but nothing major.. I am facing another surgery in 2wks.. and thank God I convinced the Dr. to do it outpatient so I can get home to take care of her and my boys.. I wake up everyday and the stress just punches me in the face.. Mom will hit me w/how horrible she slept..how horrible she feels..how her life is now not one she enjoys ect.. so I then i go into "fix it" mode..and try to make her happy.. but she will get into these "moods" where she becomes so crabby she makes the whole house unhappy..so I feel I must try harder to make her happy so it is happy for my sons especially the one who is sick.. My guilt comes when I get days when I've had enough of it being about her feelings and I tell her "you had your time..your house..your life at 45.. don't take mine".. she then cries and says sorry ect..and the guilt is overwhelming.. but then the next day its all forgotten.. Assisted living is not an option due to financial issues..I would never put her into a not to good..but affortable place.. I worked in one for yrs. and some are not too good.. I feel she would just give up if I did that.. and the private ones are much to exspensive.. My husband tells me "ignore her moods".. but he gets out and lives.. so easier to say.. he doesnt have to beg her to eat because shes got her little attitude that day..she likes NO hobbies..and it takes me forever to find her something to watch on TV that she likes.. Its in a nutshell..nothing makes her happy..she is very negetive and Im very positive..or I use to be til the last 9 months.. even through all my surgeries.. I kept positive and never did the "poor me" mode.. so to ask for help emotionally is very hard.. but I am so scared te stress will consume me and I need to be "ok" for my sons.. again.. thank you..for all the support.. I have no real friends to turn to..so just writing this helps so much.. and in turn I also wish everyone happiness and peace..

rubyjkat, great advice.

You are not guilty of doing anything wrong legally or morally wrong. You just saw things for how they were and made some tough choices. Does your mother try to make you feel guilty for that? If so, that's emotional blackmail. If you can't shake the unfounded guilt, then maybe you would benefit from seeing a therapist to help you work past that. I wish you well.

Your anger is normal and understandable. Your wanting your life back to take care of yourself and your children is normal. However, you have not done anything morally or legally wrong which is the only basis for real guilt.

You say that she is a very consuming woman. I assume that means she's been a narcissistic selfish person her entire life? What is the condition of her health presently? Have you tried setting boundaries with her? Does she emotionally blackmail you via Fear of making her angry, Obligation of being her personal 24/7 caregiver despite the fact you are a cancer survivor, have a child to home school and another one who may need brain surgery, and Guilt for even thinking about yourself and your own needs? Who has medical and durable POA for her?

Does she have any means by which she can afford someone coming into the house and give you a break? Does she have long term care insurance? Has she made you promise her to never put her in a nursing home?

All in all, you are worth taking care of yourself and that not just because she is all you have or that you are all that your children have. You are a valuable person who is worth taking care of yourself because you are you.

Izabella..wow that is tough, you really sound stuck. It's hard too that your sisters won't help you out either, there must be more to it why they don't want their mum to feature in their lives, or could it be you appear to be doing such a great job, they think you're doing ok? Does your mum really 'need' you 24/7 or just want to be with you? It sounds like she might feel you are all she has so demands more of you than you need to give. Does she understand you are finding it hard to cope with? A good sit down and chat with her might help if you haven't tried that already. Assisted living? have you talked about that with her? Im probably suggesting things you've already thought of or done. Sometimes I think we know what the answer is and we do know deep down what we need to do its just the guilt that has us going around in circles as we beat ourselves up. We are not superhuman and as nuturing as we are its crazy to live under constant pressure and not search for a way out. You have to put your needs first, or you will just be miserable. We have to find a way through and make changes as hard as they can be, you can do it. I couldn't take care of my mother and I didn't have kids at home or major health issues, but I knew my limits and was honest enough with myself to know I couldn't cope anymore. I asked for help and now mum is in full time care. I'm still guilty that doesn't just stop, but I don't beat myself up for wanting to have a life either...good luck to you, stay strong (((hugs)))

Im new to this.. meaning on this site.. as I read all these posts of advice of people saying to others how you HAVE to take care of yourself..take time for yourself,ect.. My question is what if you cannot do this?? I have no one to help..yes I do have three sisters..but they have lives and my mom is not part of their plans.. I also have two sons at home..one that may need brain surgery and the other I homeschool.. I recently had a double mastectomy and my recovery was not a proper recovery because my Mom is w/me and she needs me 24/7.. I feel guilty being angry..I feel guilty being at the point where I want my life to take care of myself and my children.. because I know I'm all she has.. but she is a very consuming woman by nature.. when I do have a five min. to myself she is calling my name asking questions ect.. My whole life is her needs and when I can get some time I devote that time to my sons.. so.. please..I would welcome any advice.. My only support is through praying..and that doesnt seem to be working..

cmagnum, I'm not sure what stage she is at since I did not have her tested. She is extremely confused though and cannot get her thoughts out, so it is hard to know what she is talking about most of the time. She keeps saying things like "I don't know where everybody is" when she has been living alone for 30 years (my father died at 55). I was thinking of having her tested, but then wonder if the Dr. would declair that she cannot live alone. I'm new at all this and quite frankly, it is overwhelming to me. I have POA, but not sure if it is medical, I will look at the paperwork after I sign off here.
Thank you for your well wishes for my cancer--so far so good--I'm two years into it, through with surgery and radiation and on chemo.

aerick54, what stage has your mom's Alzheimer's? I'm sorry to hear that you are having to fight breast cancer. My wife is also 57 and had a biopsy done last week. We were so glad to hear the report was not cancerous. I wish you well with dealing with all of the legal and other work to look into. I assume you already have durable and medical POA for your mother.

Thank you cmagnum, but she does not qualify for medicaid as she owns her own home and has a little in her bank account. I have a lot of legal and other work to look into. From what I hear, you can't just put them into a nursing home, they have to have a diagnosis etc.
Thank you also pjsmithres and Bhenson for your support on this. My mother has dimentia and Alzheimer's but otherwise is in good physical health (better than mine). She won't be dying anytime soon, I think she may outlive me, and I am 57. Thank you again everyone for your very supportive words.

Opps I meant Aerick also. Sorry

Wow, AlLark, you have alot on your plate. To me, it seems that when our parents get older, for some reason, they latch onto us and no one else will do. My mom is the same way. My daughter was taking care of her in the afternoons while I work but mom always had something to say about her care. My daughter is soooo good to my mom. She only wanted me. That's it. AND, they are very very good with the guilt thing with us aren't they? Because we love them dearly and remember them as they were, we want to be there always for them. I finally found out that this is not only impossible, but detremental to my health and other relationships. A friend told me and I heard on here as well, that I had to be a little selffish if I were to survive and be able to help mom. She had been living with hubby and I for 2 years and getting worse each day. At first I didn't listen to anyone because my guilt and my loyalty were too strong. It took all of that time to get to rock bottom emotionally and physically before I would admit that they were all right! I had to think of me or I might not even be there for "her" anymore. Several times I wanted to admit myself into the psych hosp. Why didn't I? Cause there was no one to take care of mom! Vicious cycle.
I finally broke down and looked at nursing homes. Yes, I had to get mom admitted to the hosp in order for Medicare to pay for the nursing for 100 days but with all her ailments it wasn't hard to do at all. She's been in a nursing home only 1 week now and already I am transferring her to another one but.....and here is the rub....I am free. She may call me 3x a day, she may not love it there, but she's getting used to it. She's moving cause the place she was at was too far away from me. This one is a stone's throw. But...she's NOT hating it completely. Complaining? Yep each day but you know what? I can now listen to it cause I know that I can go home to peace and quiet. I have freedom! It sound sooo ridiculous but it's just so freeing to know that when I get home, it's just hubby and I. Peaceful. Quiet and stressfree (yes we have a phenomenol relationship I admit). Please please think of yourself. So easy to say and so hard to do. Once I listened, I felt a complete peace come over me. You will too. Get help and don't let her guilt you into always being there. This was not meant to be your whole life. She's mom and you need to keep her safe. Happy may not be in the cards anymore for her I'm sorry to say. I'm sending you best wishes and hope you and everyone else can see the light soon and think of yourself for once.

I have listened and hear this.
MOM IS KILLING YOU. ALL OF YOU.
i'M STILL IN LONG RECOVERY.
i HAVE READ AND LISTENED TO ALL OF YOU AND it;s teh same story that I have lived for 2 years. It took two years for her friends to come cleasn with what they saw.
I cared for her for 2 years and now it is done with her death it has taken 2 years for me to face the problem.
it is her abuse of the system. I took everything to help her cope and we always tried to keep her happy.
I have dealt with the guilt and caring for her.
She was hard to comfort and hard to care for.
I had given up 2 years of family and life to care for her and it has taken a toll on my family and my life.
Now that she has passed on, it is still very difficult for me to deal with all of the other stuff. nearly 2 years and I am still dealing with medical and tax problems. she is haunting me from the grave. not her fault, but be over prepared to cover and dweal with all of the issues of care and finance thaqt could be imagined.

I hope that all of you see and elder law attorney to plan to manage all of the little things.
With elder people the spouse may not have the ability to handle any of this.

Good liuck with all of theis.

aerick54, does your mother qualify for medicaid? Some nursing homes will take people with medicaid.

Thank you rubyjkat, it feels good just to talk to someone who understands my situation. I have a lot of legwork to do in the near future seeing just what is involved in getting her in to somewhere. She said she doesn't want to go, she wants her "own people" to take care of her. But her "own people" is just me, and she is getting to be way too much for me. Thank you for listening.

I too am stressed caring for my 85 year old mother with Alzheimer's. I finally hired a caregiver from 9:00am-12:00pm Mon. through Fri. I still have to be there from noon until she goes to bed, and on weekends. When I arrive at her house at noon, she grumbles "Where the hell have you been, I've been alone for hours! I have breast cancer, and am not feeling well myself from all the treatment, but she doesn't care about that, only about herself. Assisted living seems out of the question as it is way to expensive. It cost $262.50 just for 3 hours a day of caregiving. My Onc. said you better do something with her or you are going to end up in the hospital. What can I do, she doesn't seem ready for a nursing home, and Medicare does not cover assisted living. HELP!

aerick54, who says she's not ready for a nursing home? is that her saying that? You are ready for her to go in a nursing home, bugger what she wants. You are not well, and the last thing you need is to live your life like some unappreciated slave.
What you need to do if you really want help is to figure out what you want or don't want in your life, you have to either put up with her bad behaviour or say listen here mother dear, pull your head in, these are the new rules which include you being respectful to me. If you dont adhere to these rules I will be gone, you will be in a home, end of. Don't enter into debate or get drawn into the woe is me bullcrap.
Personally I would be booking her into a nursing home asap, and you need to take care of YOURSELF....good lucks, be strong...

I too am so stressed, taking care of my 85 year old mother with alzheimer's. I finally hire a caregiver from 9:00am - 12:00 noon Mon.-Fri. I still have to be there from noon until she goes to bed and on weekends. I have breast cancer and do not feel well myself from all the treatment, but she does not care about that, only herself. When I arrive at noon she grumbles "where the hell have you been, I've been alone for hours! I don't know what to do next , it cost $262.50 for those 3 hours a day. My Onc. said you better do something with her or you are going to end up in the hospital. Assisted living is way to expensive, and she's reall not ready for a nursing home, any ideas? HELP

Absolutely agree cmagnum. I know that if my relationship with my mother had been 'normal' and loving from the start, I am fairly sure that taking care of someone who was a loving person all their lives would not have been as stressful as looking after someone you've never got on with.

Most of the stress that I read about on this site appears to come from very dysfunctional moms and sometimes dads who select one child to be the chosen one to care for them which they groom them for and then use emotional blackmail to keep them in place via Fear, Obligation and Guilt, all to often to the destruction of a person's health, marriage, relationships with children and or grand children, jobs, homes, income, etc. To overcome such dysfunction takes more than self-help books, it takes seeing a therapist who is trained to deal with this kind of family dysfunction. This is why I started the "The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?" thread.

Phil, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I think the bottom line lesson (for me) in your story is, "Don't wait for the care receiver to AGREE that additional help is needed. Just get the help and see what happens. It might work out for the best, if not then try something else..." Again, Phil, thanks so much for sharing this and blessings to you and to your family. And good for you for getting professional counseling. It is a sign of wisdom and strength.

hoping, I just read what you wrote and know I could have written it myself -- except the gardening bit. I don't like yard work. When I moved here, I left everything behind me. This includes my medical help. I haven't even located a primary care physician here. In this medically-oriented city, it all seems so cold and impersonal.

My parents are also hoarders. I've cleaned up a good bit, but like the house of so many hoarders, this one has a lot of work that needs to be done. I've decided that it is not my responsibility. It would take a huge hunk of my retirement savings to try to bring it up to acceptable. This is money that I could not fully recover if I sold the house. I figure that my best bet is to put it on the market as is. The house has a good location, so it should sell for a modest price, and my savings won't be deleted. I don't want to spend my security paying for a lifetime of neglect here.

I have to mention that my blood pressure has increase 10-20 points since I've been here. It used to only be high when I was anxious. Now it is often 130-140/70 even when I'm not doing anything. I have to stop eating all that salt that they love and take more of the long walks that are so relaxing. And I really need to find a primary care physician -- one who believes that drugs are not the answer to everything.

I think many people here have lived this scenario. Some for weeks, some for years. I had a very similar story and while I was there I seemed to be in denial. Mom used the illness (terminal liver cancer) to draw me in deeper and deeper.
Friends and family told me to get help for months and months. I discussed help with Mom and friends came and told her that she needed more help. Her pleas and insistance that she would not accept the help was clear.
There comes a time that you MUST look at yourself.
My life finally turned upsidedown.
I had left my wife and family 1000 miles away to care for Mom.
After a reasonable amount of time my employed released me and my position.
My arthritis was getting to be a difficult health issue.
My mental health was squashed.

You need relief.
I called hospice and they had a list of caregivers that worked by the hour.
I think there was a 4 hour minimum and you could chose 1-7 days a week.
I found an "aide" for 4 hours 3 days a week.
The premise was to let me get groceries and do errands around town.
There was real resistance at first. I had a long discussion in the interview that told the aide that Mom was resistant and can be a pain in the ***.
The reason I suggest hospice is for many reasons. You can ask them for different types of care and they can choose from their pool.
They have a person that will just sit and read a book, and they have full care staff. The money is not much different.
Their caregivers have experienced angry Alzheimers and Dementia patients. they have terminal non-ambulatory patients. Some cook and do light housekeeping. Some do more.
Talk to hospice and ask for help 3 days a week 4 hours a day for 2 weeks (with possible increase in hours and days) For about $250 a week there was a ton of stress lifted. The first 2 days were mean, disruptive and angry, but Mom somehow decided that it wasn't that bad. The caregiver gave Mom foot rubs and fixed her hair and pampered her a little and I would not. I think it also let her get another person to boss around and thus giving her more "POWER".
We did have a discussion if bad and worse options. Get help for me or I will leave and hand her over to social services. If she would not go to a care facility, then she would need to get help at the house. I lost a year with my family and nearly lost my marriage. It is still quite turbulent.
After her death it took 3 months to clear up the necessary probate and etc. after 18 months now I am still having to deal with probate/insurance and other matters that arrive. I am home now and have had therapy and mental help for more than a year. I will never get my life back to what it was. It is the NEW normal.

Do the right thing and seek help (house or mental health) now. When you are alone and close to the problem, you can't see the facts clearly.
Use the experience of others. It SEEMS like no one has lived your problem, or has the difficulty that you do, but you will find hundreds that have done this before and they can all provide counsel.
There are support groups at local Senior Centers in your town. The help is great with word of mouth from real experience. Get a little professional help to balance the stories.
It will come to you if you look for it.
Go to a city park. get out of the house and into the sun.
Refresh yourself.

Try something and after a month change if you need to.
Find peace
Phil

That is wonderful, ALarck! Now, do take some time for yourself.

This state of affairs may not last perfectly. You may need to remind Mom ocassionally. But it sounds like you are on your way to lowering the stress. Good for you!