Caretaking while dealing with serious NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Any advice?

Fantastic! I am very happy for you. Congratulations! 🎉

It sickens and frightens me too. I really do hope that in the future, more research is done into how certain aspects of NPD can cause people to actually threaten the safety of others.

Coincidentally, I was just looking into the possibility of ways to hold her liable but had only initially done a few searches online. Her license is currently still active and she is practicing. You may or may not have seen my comment above that my manager told me today, April 6th, that I have been given the green light to move abroad to Europe. I lean more now than ever towards taking my mother with me.

I have so much on my plate now. Any Christians reading this, please pray for me and my mom. Thank you.

So for my health insurance that would be covered by my employer.

For my mom, my plan was to purchase international health insurance coverage that would apply in Spain and in the US using my mom's SSDI. I would likely have to keep said insurance even once obtaining local insurance in Spain as right now I expect that the 'local insurance' options may not provide her with enough coverage fyi.

I agree that moving abroad with my mom would indeed be a monumental task.

No, your mother living with you will make matters worse and is not the solution to your problems. Please have her in a facility where she will get better care to save yourself and your family. And, please stop all toxic contact with your aunt, either directly or indirectly.

My mom has been through major trauma. I think that's around the time her OCD kicked in and she became obsessed with doing laundry - all the time. And I mean all.the.time. Since she spent so so so much time at the laundrymat, there was this faucet on the side of the laundrymat building. She would hoard empty bleach bottles and go to the laundrymat and kinda 'sneak' and fill up the bottles with water from there. Sometimes she bought water but not so often as that was expensive. She would kinda do bird baths after years of initially bathing in one of those plastic storage containers you can buy from Walmart or Target. She poured the water down the toilet to flush it. It's a bit triggering for me to write this; I have a good job and a 'fairly' somewhat normal life so knowing that my mother lived this way for so long does make me feel like a loser daughter.

Will she continue to hoard? Yes. Because the condition doesn't just go away. She's hoarding in the nursing home. The CNAs have started to complain about her side of the room being messy and 'too much'. So I know this will be an issue, yes. For years, I'd always tell her not to bring me any 'gifts' when she visited me. She could never heed that request. One year (and I'm a minimalist that keeps very few things in my places), after she had visited and left me, I felt a bit of a weight lifted because when she arrived on the Greyhound she had maybe 5 or 6 bags with her for a one week trip. I could not wrap my head around having SO much luggage. Well, after she left, I went to sit on my bed and it didn't 'bounce' like usual. It felt hard and 'higher' than normal. Well, as maybe you've guessed, she had been putting 'gifts' from her luggage under my bed every day - when I showered or temporarily left the home, etc. Under my bed, which was always empty/clear, was packed with random unwanted knick knacks, some of which appeared to even be things that weren't purchased but rather 'hand me downs' or possibly even taken from somewhere (say she found something that was 'perfectly good' in her opinion from the recycling center or whatever). I stopped asking her to not do this because she never would stop after many years of asking; I just throw everything away she would leave at my house nowadays.

Trauma my mom has been through led to a hospitalization and during that time she basically vowed to herself she would never see a doctor again. The thought of seeing doctors seem traumatizing for her. Since the stroke, she has had no choice so fortunately I believe she is starting to develop trust in them. But since the hospitalization involved psych meds, seeing a psych doc or getting on any time of psych meds would be extremely difficult because she has told me for decades she would never ever do that again and no one would ever make her do so. Sigh..

A restraining order for the Aunt is under consideration. I am trying to avoid restraining orders or police contact for now because those type of things will escalate matters on my Aunt's end, quickly and forcefully. I really really hope I can just continue to go no contact and refrain from having to take additional action as once I do, she will retaliate in every sense of the word.

My mom's issues are definitely the result of mental illness.

I acknowledge the need to give more time to 'my own life' and health so as to not let the family situation hinder my own mental health. I'm currently seeing my therapist once a week again after having taken a few months' break recently; it helps.

Of note, my mom did say she wants to move abroad with me. I brought it up with her on a hypothetical basis 6 months ago. However, her nursing home is just so bad (made the news recently) that I do honestly believe she is desperate to get out. I walked her through multiple things in that discussion such as leaving her friends, adjusting to living in a home environment, how challenging things can be once the 'honeymoon' period of being somewhere new ends, not having the same food choices, not being able to shop at the same stores, being in a place where English isn't widely spoken, not being able to visit the US often, etc. etc. etc. and she stated she could adjust to all of those things with time. And I believe that is 'possible', however, I also believe she is greatly/vastly underestimating how difficult the adjustment will be because she is just so desperate to leave her current nursing home honestly.

I have not consulted a lawyer regarding my aunt. I have only simply gone ‘no contact’ with aunt.

I pay for my mom’s phone bill and although she agreed to me blocking aunt on her phone, when I checked her phone last week she had called my aunt. Now I suppose that could have been a mistake but honestly she is wishy washy on the subject of aunt. They have strong trauma bonds. In other words I do not believe my mom would ‘’ever’ make a decision to cut off aunt forever like I have planned to do. Although my mom did go 5 years without communicating with aunt one time. It’s a problem because I don’t want aunt’s toxicity following us so to speak, and as long as contact is occurring it likely will, just in new ways. I do believe that a big move (abroad or not) will help a lot though. If my mom stays in the US, I’m guaranteed aunt will meddle and likely step in to try to somehow take away my POA so aunt can control things with my mom as much as possible.

My mom’s SSDI is still pending. As long as it comes through close to $1500 monthly, I should be able to afford a live in caretaker for her and healthcare insurance for her abroad. Separate conversations will have to be had with my employer regarding my benefits changes since things like a 401k don’t apply if I become a resident of another country I believe..it’s a big question. I have a long list of questions however, I would be setting up our new lives such that my mom pays for her care and insurance. At first I thought I would pay half or so, but I think that’s way too risky. The whole point of going abroad would be so that her money pays for her care and not mine. I/we can’t afford to pay for (home) care for her here in the US. This allows me to save up for emergencies for myself and for her. It allows for occasional travel and things like occasional activities (adult day care, a language class for both of us here and there, etc).

Perhaps the biggest unknown in all of this is how much the company will want to change my pay by. In other words, Spain pay is usually lower than US pay so I will likely have to take a bit of a paycut. We are not at the point of salary discussions yet so I’m using this time to research what pay is reasonable and to talk to others about how to negotiate my new pay so that it is not changed by much if at all.

One point I want to make is that while my mom is legally competent, she is incompetent as far as I’m concerned.

She foreclosed on a home without telling a soul and squatted in said home for years, a hoarded up mess of a place with no running water for over a decade. To me that’s incompetent but I understand the legal definition is different. In short, I don’t know about her signing any forms because she is inept at decision making and she always always always changes her mind. Always. No matter how big or small the decision.

I was in project management but now I’m in people management. I really want to stay with my company because they offer a pension and like 80% towards retiree medical insurance. I need that retiree medical insurance as I want to retire at 55 and I have pre existing conditions so won’t otherwise be able to afford early retiree health insurance premiums jumping ship to another company and starting over benefits wise at this age (I’m mid 40s). Also, do keep in mind that I have been trying to find a way to move and live/work abroad in Europe for years now. The timing for which this opportunity is being raised to me rather than me continuing to try to find such an opportunity is almost canny and I don’t want to pass this up if I don’t have to.

I will have to come back and rethink through all of the suggestions you recommended but I at least wanted to thank you for taking the time to share all of these thoughts with me.

Lastly, you’re the first person who ever made a point about how I should be thankful my sibling isn’t involved. What an amazing perspective I had never considered. You’re absolutely right. This makes things easier for me to manage on my own without having to consider anyone else’s opinions. I never thought about it that way before.

You’re saying to take the move to Europe but leave my mom here in the US? Just wanted to clarify.

I stated this above in another post today, but I believe my mom is incompetent.

She’s legally competent, yeah, but as her daughter I believe she is not capable of making decisions for herself. She hasn’t paid bills or worked in years. She has ptsd, bipolar, depression/anxiety, ocd and surely an undiagnosed personality disorder or two. (She has been hospitalized before and just exhibits abnormal behaviors in general from mild paranoia to other things I can’t get into.)

In short, maybe she should be declared incompetent. It is not something I have approached for consideration as this first year post stroke has been so life changing for me too and I’ve had so much to manage/tend to. My main point is she can’t make good decisions for herself and she never really has IMO. She certainly can’t fend for herself now as someone who is immobile.

I hope it doesn’t ever have to come to that.

When my mom had her stroke I was in another country. I flew in to the US immediately and the first day I was there in the hospital, my mom proceeded to tell me how my aunt requested her social security number to claim my mom on her taxes. My aunt had told my mom not to mention it to me. Mind you, my mom and I have a joint credit card upon which all of my mom’s expenses I’d been paying for for years. And everyone knows I pay for my mother’s expenses because my mom hadn’t worked in years. And I’d never even thought to claim my mom myself on my own taxes.

I quietly reported my Aunt to the IRS. And I have requested a pin for my mom’s social security number so she can’t be claimed by my aunt hopefully ever again. This is the tip of the iceberg in terms of things my aunt does; just way too much toxicity and having to spend time dealing with crappy situations like this that my aunt creates when I need to prioritize caring for my mom. It’s exhausting. But I was sickened to know she’d do this; when I think of the things I could have used the money for that my aunt illegally received through claiming my mom (I.e., my mom needs an electric wheelchair now and I don’t have the money for it)..it enflames me.

But yeah, I am not opposed to getting the police involved if it comes to that. I pray that putting up boundaries by going no contact and moving away solves these issues.

Thank you for the positive words and encouragement. It really means a lot to me.

The mother is competent.

The daughter is already POA but cannot use it because the mother is competent.

The mother is in charge of making her own decisions. She is my DAUGHTER'S age. She is YOUNG.
She should be allowed to make her decisions regarding her sister, when and if she wishes to see her or not, and all else.

To me this seems a simple question with a simple answer. Ask Mom what she wants to do, let her do it. Resign the POA. Step out of the jungle and avoid what our OP calls the "flying monkeys" or stay there and swing along.

Hi Way2tired,

I have actually addressed all of this in new posts I wrote this morning. If you could refer to those please as they do mention that I have already obtained international health insurance quotes abroad for my mom's care from multiple carriers. (Sorry; I would re-post but I'm being lazy at the moment and I had written quite a bit about this.)

Continuation of SSDI has also been previously researched and confirmed as something that will continue abroad due to the treaty between Spain and the US.

Thus the global insurance will cover her medical care; the SSDI will go towards her in-home caregiver costs.

I should also reiterate that a move won't happen overnight. I am in discussions that it's most likely I would travel back and forth for a while, so I have appropriate time to set up a place for myself and my mom and find either a caregiver for the home (most likely), or a facility abroad (least likely). In addition, my employer (very large multinational) does relocations all of the time, so they have additional resources to support me for when I establish boots on the ground permanently, to include resources regarding obtaining care for my mom since relocations often involve families of the employee and not just the individual employee. In other words, there will be additional "knowledge sharing" on their behalf with my mom and I so as to ensure as smooth a transition as possible which is what they would want for me so I can continue providing good work to them of course.

In short, I never take huge/major decisions lightly. I have for many months and will continue to for many months ahead, be constantly assessing/evaluating all of the potential risks of this move. If at any point the risks of going start to outweigh the risks of staying, I will adjust and change my decision/plan. I believe that I'm in a challenging and very tough situation no matter what choice is made in my opinion. However, the abroad choice is the one right now with the least cons, and I've vetted it against my closest trustworthy/reliable intelligent professional friends (and my therapist). Things could indeed always change, so it is not a 'given' and I acknowledge that its possible I could have to leave my mom in the US and move. I do not want to do this but if she were to get into a much better facility, only under that condition would I be comfortable leaving.

Hi NeedHelpWithMom,

So right now I am looking into other nursing homes, board and care facilities and well as assisted living facilities here in the US. However, I have also priced nursing homes and assisted living facilities abroad as well as hourly agency care vs. a live-in-the home caretaker abroad.

In summary, I am looking into 'all' options at the moment. Whatever ends up being the best option for both of us will be what I end up going with truthfully. However, right now I am leaning towards taking the offer to move abroad because I'd been wanting to do this for years but never was able to figure out 'how'. This offer came out of practically nowhere and just kinda 'fell' in my lap. However, the other important thing to know is that it came after my company did a layoff of US only employees, stating that our work is moving moreso to Europe (which is where I've been wanting to work from). It is challenging times as I work for a massive company that I never imagined would start laying off US workers, so needless to say that I am a bit concerned now. I am very fortunate that I was not impacted earlier this year however now I am not so sure another 'round' won't happen to the remaining US people in my department.

I want to bring my mom with me because I still want to oversee her care and I do not see how I can do it from another country at all. Spain has an excellent healthcare system, ranked even higher than the US. They have "au pairs" so I could find a live-in full time caregiver there for much cheaper and way easier than here (I have been looking for a full time live-in caregiver here in the US for now almost 1 year without any success).

As far as the adjustment, I don't know how much time it will take for me to adjust. It is too early to tell however, I have been in discussions with my company about this for a few months now, and it is possible that instead of just up and moving overnight, they will allow me to travel back and forth for a while/several months, while I find a place to live and set it up for mom to live in with me and get the caregiver in place. In other words, it would not be an overnight night but rather a time of back and forth while I transition things until I'm ready to then move her.

If a facility abroad is better for her (than living with me abroad) she 'could' end up in a facility near me abroad from the get go, but not likely because I prefer her living with me. I'd consider the facility abroad only if her health condition declined and required it.

This is a huge huge decision and I acknowledge that. Through last year I did not have to 'truly' consider moving abroad as it was just a pipe dream, but now, with everything that is going on with my job, I can either choose to give all of this a go knowing that if it doesn't work out, I'd have to move both of us back somewhere here to the US. I tend to think that if that happened, at least I could say "I tried". My options right now are :

1. Take the move offer through work, go abroad and bring mom.
2. Take the move offer through work, go abroad and leave mom in the US.
3. Stay in the US here near mom and don't take the relocation offer through work.

3 is probably the worst option because I cannot continue living in this state to be near her (I just dislike it that much), plus with the layoffs I now feel a bit at risk at the moment as a US based employee, plus I do feel I will have serious regret not taking an abroad option that I'd been trying to figure out how to do for yearssss.

If I went the option 2 route, I'd really need her to be in a better facility by the time I left the US, and moving facilities is a slow process as (to answer your question), she's currently in a 'charity' bed offered by the state due to having no insurance & her Medicaid is still pending. Her options for another facility, when Medicaid comes through, will still be 'low quality' IMO. Won't feel good at all leaving her knowing this.

I mentioned in another post this morning and that my mom and I do sooooo much better when my aunt isn't around meddling. And its true; we do. Things had been 'coming to a head' on my end with my aunt for a very long time. Long story short, I always felt my extended family hated me a bit, but I never knew any of them. I'd meet them and they wouldn't speak to me. After years of putting the puzzle pieces together, one day at a family gathering 6 years ago my aunt made a nasty comment about how when I was born I "took her place as the first child". The tone which she said it solidified everything for me; I knew at that moment that she has a hate for me and that she'd been making up stories about me from birth, to all of the family, to turn them against me. All because she was already 'off' to begin with, however, me being born into the family as the first grandchild really did and continues to forever upset her. I'm reading some of the other threads in this post and boy, I never knew until this late in life just how much being at least 'seen' as the 'golden child' can be disruptive to entire family dynamics. My goodness.

Anyways, I didn't know my Aunt had NPD until I moved states last year. Honestly, all I can say about that is it was like God revealed it to me overnight. And I believe it happened so I could learn about it and make some important decisions. And I have. I never thought I'd make a 'no contact' decision with anyone, let alone my aunt. But now I know it's the best/healthiest thing to do.

To answer your question, I don't believe there are boundaries in this family. Because there never have been. My aunt is now the self appointed 'matriarch' which kinda happened once my grandparents passed, and everyone just does what she says/leans in on her supposed instruction and 'goes along' with her. But not so much anymore as that quickly dwindled after my grandparents passed, with time. My brother's officially estranged from my mom since the stroke (he was already 95% estranged from her prior to it). My aunt has now been reaching out to/contacting him relentlessly fyi (eye roll). It's clear she is working to alienate my mother from any support including support from her own children. It's disgusting to experience first hand (she's told me a LOT of negative things my my mom has supposedly said about me in the hallways of the hospital when my mom had just gotten admitted [!]), but she will not succeed in alienating me from my mom.

I had an uncle that was part of my small family and he strangely actually purposely went no contact 3 years go before I knew what no contact was. He didn't even respond to my postcards about my mom, his sister, having a stroke. I honestly think it has something to do with my aunt to this day.

Now I, a person who has always tolerated my aunt and been a neutral party that always allowed her to verbally abuse me the way my aunt did her children (bc my grandmother did it to my aunt and mom), am standing up to put my foot down. This really started 2 years ago after my aunt did something unacceptable (she found out someone in the family abused me [in you know what way], so she started trying to 'innocently' out of nowhere send pictures of said person to me, knowing what happened and that no one in the family speaks of/to that person and never has in decades). Ever since then, I'd been a bit 'done' with her but since moving states, there is absolutely no way I will put up with my mom's dysfunction 'and' my aunt's.

So now here I am..not only did I go NC w/aunt, but I recently cut off a few family members on social media that were once the only 1-2 family members I was close to outside of my mom (they are close to my aunt). It's sad but I feel it's right..for now. They haven't contacted me 1 time since the stroke and it hurts too much to even see their faces on social media knowing I'm baring all of this alone. Oh well..so much for so called family. It'll all be ok/work out in the end.

I appreciate your reply; I really do. Sometimes people need to hear thoughts like this in order to 'wake up' to the realities of the situation they are in.

Please know that as the daughter of my mother, and the niece of my aunt, that I well versed in chaos. And I am in chaos now so please understand I know that a task as huge as moving abroad with a sick parent is not to be taken lightly. I eat, breathe and sleep this decision every single day and have been researching options for care both here and in the US for over 6 months straight so far and continue to do so. I even have someone abroad who is consulting with me on these things, to include but not limited to the insurance side of things.

I am well aware that my mother would have to be well insured prior to leaving the US, with an global policy by a major carrier that covers her both in the country we move to, as well as in the US. The insurance piece is important for her to have anywhere, including in the US so, yes, I have more than considered that. I have several policies already in mind along with the quotes. I wouldn't even consider moving her if obtaining and keeping insurance was not possible. She doesn't have Medicare (she's not 65 yet) or even Medicaid (yet; it's pending) here in the US at the moment and it's clear how much turmoil being uninsured has been as it's part of the reason she's in the horrible facility she's in now honestly.

The social security statement you quoted is not relevant to our situation due to the treaty between the US and Spain. She is eligible to receive her social security payments abroad and this has been confirmed with the Social Security Administration. Again, I would never just up and hop on a plane without checking into something so important. I may not have just up and 'spilled out' all of the details behind 6+ months of research on my end, however, I will confirm that yes, it also included a ton of research regarding eligibility to bring my mother's social security payments with her.

One hospitalization "could" bankrupt us here "in the US" so this is true in any country when you are not properly insured...correct? If she had any money, she would have been bankrupted after the stroke last year more than likely; that's for sure considering she had (still has) no insurance. That was a 6 figure hospitalization. The question here is which system is she more than likely to be bankrupted under? The system we have here, or the one abroad? Please know I've given the utmost of consideration to both systems, the complexity of navigating them, the cost/s associated with both, the quality of providers (particularly from a neuro perspective given her medical background now), etc. etc. I am rational and methodical in my approaches to any major decision in life and this one is no different. I cannot guarantee she will end up coming with me, however, if I'm considering doing it, it is for good reason.

My therapist is not the only one who believes this is the best option. All of closest friends do too. But then again, they know how much sweat and tears I've put into researching, what options I've laid out that I have here vs abroad, the condition/treatment my mother is getting at her current facility, the help I "won't" have from anyone here in the US, the differences between the US system and the system abroad and so on and so forth. Of course, they believe the "Option 2" I laid out in the earlier post above is the 'next best' option but that leaving altogether right now has the most pro's. Trust me, I know, it's very hard to see all of those as an outsider/3rd party. Instead it probably sounds like one big massive life mistake, however, again, please consider that this is been far from an overnight decision made with no planning, and 'if' it happens, it won't happen overnight but would rather occur over months of me transitioning over lives before ever physically moving her.

Oh my goodness.

I have less words to respond to your post because it was a bit heartbreaking. Caring for someone who lived to 106...God bless you for having done this. As someone told me recently, you had been "doing God's work". I do hope that at the end of the day, you didn't have many regrets and that there was some sort of satisfaction/reward that came out of all of that caregiving time.

You are right - I think that for now there may not be anything I can do about the aunt's visits. Sigh. The nursing home staff, I have a neutral relationship with, however, it is a very 'gossipy' staffing environment, and from the beginning the staff was not too caring of me...meaning I get a lot of 'eye rolling' whenever they see me there because in all honesty, many find it an annoyance that I am constantly visiting my mom. This is also why I want her out-the staff is just not good. Toxic type of personalities. I've heard them talking openly and loudly about other "helicopter" family members in the hallway because they don't like seeing family around. I witnessed while waiting outside (through glass in the back door) the other day a nurse searching for something all over the dirty floor for a good two minutes, only to see her pick up what had to be dropped medication and plop it in this poor man's mouth. When I had to travel for work out of state 3 weeks ago, the nursing home made it onto the news and long story short, I have anxiety whenever I leave the state because something usually happens when I'm gone. I don't know I could manage being in another country and my mom being here - again, she'd have to be moved to a better facility before I'd be comfortable moving abroad. And that's 'if' I went with that option of leaving the US but keeping her here. I strongly prefer she come with me if possible. As long as we are in my aunt's state, I will not have the cooperation of the nursing/CNA staff because she is for sure ruining my reputation with them; I have noticed a change in their behavior when my aunt starts coming around. This is spilling into my personal life too; I won't get into the details but my aunt is now also telling new lies about me to family that are very unhealthy and extremely damaging/toxic. It's always been an issue but now that I'm in close proximity to her, I can't believe I'm saying this but it's getting worse. So people should know that this is likely why my therapist is on the side of 'relocating'. My therapist could probably care a bit less whether the relocation is to California or to Tuscany; she just thinks a reasonably large physical distance would be great. I had that easily all of my adult life, but now having moved back to my home state (along with all of the dreaded memories of things that have happened here to not just my mom but to myself as well), a move out of here is indeed going to happen whether its abroad or not to be honest. It's just a matter of time.

My mom has seen a psych through the facility that comes to visit everyone there, but my mother has refused meds which they are recommending. It will be a longgg time before she agrees to psych meds. I will however approach this route; thank you.

When my mother was about to lose her home last year, it had 30+ years of hoarding in it. No running water for over a decade. And loads of other issues. I never cleaned out the house. I showed up for one day and took out what I thought was important. I'm telling you this because I had to set a boundary then, knowing I would mentally fall apart if I attempted to 'save' everything that had been put into that place for 30+ years. It wasn't possible. So I did what I could do. And I'm getting nasty comments from her/my aunt about it despite the fact it wasn't my fault the house went into foreclosure (mother never told me and had been squatting in the home for years after losing it). I am doing a lot now, but please know that I do indeed know how to set boundaries.

You have GOT to be kidding. Did your sister have NPD and/or some other type of mental illness(es)? I'm assuming she wanted tube feedings due to perhaps denial and fear over losing your father, so she thought she was doing the right thing by overstepping you..?

Did the staff actually do what your sister requested? Do you still have a relationship with/talk to your sister? That is crazy and I have so many questions how you dealt with the stress and so much mess during a time of already high tensions (and likely grief).

I thought I had a nightmare on 'my' hands...if my aunt takes it to the level of your sister I don't know what I am going to do. And to be honest, I do believe my aunt would do something like this. She is already spreading the kind of lies in the nursing home that could potentially be damaging to me (can't get into all of the details, but she's doing the type of thing that makes me wonder if she's trying to get my POA eventually 'taken away' from me somehow).

I have another separate major event going on in my life right now and that is that my job may be requesting me to move to another country this year (!). Sigh...But if they do, I'm going to go. I've been wanting to work abroad for many years and I never thought I'd have the opportunity to do so. "If" it happens (and that's a huge 'if'), I've already priced live-in caretakers in the other country that my mom's SSDI could pay for. I'd honestly just leave and take her with me; my therapist thinks we both need actual physical separation from the family (my aunt specifically of course). I have moved a lot in my life and although this would be major, I'm up to at least trying something new/different and am fine with doing it somewhere far away. We shall see what happens.

You asked a major question I've honestly not had to think through. No one has ever asked me before what I wanted in all of this.

I do want to oversee my mom's care, legally. I know it will be difficult, but when my mom needed her family to help her through a major traumatic situation at a young age, they didn't care for her. They saw her as a burden. They helped create the person she is today through their neglect of her during an extremely traumatizing situation, and to a person that was born mentally 'off' to begin with so she was someone that needed care from a mental health perspective even if she hadn't been through the things she's been through.

I don't want to be that family member. I don't want to neglect her and brush her off as a burden. I don't want to disappear just because it's the easier thing to do for me.

As her daughter, I want to be able to say that I ensured my mother was cared for in her golden and final years. So in addition to being her healthcare/legal representative, I want to oversee her healthcare. For me, I have to keep working a fulltime job so that means paying for a full-time live-in the house caregiver. And if/when the caregiving at home becomes too expensive (in the event she declines more in the future), I will oversee her getting into care into another/better facility if/when we cross that bridge as I totally understand she could have a 'further' decline in health down the line.

We've never had a 'great' personal relationship, so no, I don't expect any improvement there. We've struggled a lot recently due to her mood changes since the stroke which bend a lot more towards anger than ever before (and I believe she's taking out a whole lot of her anger on me because I'm the one always there), but I've been putting up barriers and sometimes I even have to "discipline" her (i.e., cutting back on the spending money I give/agency visits that take her out on trips from the nursing home) which has been very effective fyi. We have oddly grown just a tad bit closer during all of this which is hard to explain but I guess somehow when something tragic like this happens and you are there to help the person through it, they do eventually express a lot of gratitude which is a rewarding feeling knowing how much you are needed and appreciated.

When my aunt isn't around meddling and manipulating, we do SOOoooo much better. Even with my mom's mental issues and all; just goes to show how much dysfunction people with NPD specifically create.

Your response is very reasonable.

If you don't mind sharing/giving more insight, can you elaborate on the "why" behind why your decision would be to resign POA and basically disconnect?

I should share that above I mentioned this:
"I have another separate major event going on in my life right now and that is that my job may be requesting me to move to another country this year (!). Sigh...But if they do, I'm going to go. I've been wanting to work abroad for many years and I never thought I'd have the opportunity to do so. "If" it happens (and that's a huge 'if'), I've already priced live-in caretakers in the other country that my mom's SSDI could pay for. I'd honestly just leave and take her with me; my therapist thinks we both need actual physical separation from the family (my aunt specifically of course). I have moved a lot in my life and although this would be major, I'm up to at least trying something new/different and am fine with doing it somewhere far away. We shall see what happens."

I've watched a ton of Dr. Ramani and I watch the "Surviving Narcissism" channel a lot too. It's how I made the decision to go no contact. As mentioned, the facility is already aware of my request to restrict inappropriate personal/family related conversations. I will ask the social worker for additional advice but I came here because the social worker hasn't helped with anything since Day 1 including help filing Medicaid paperwork or finding a board and care - unfortunately, she is just not a knowledgeable or helpful person. So I'm trying to think in advance if there's any other steps I can take.

My mother is competent. I am her healthcare POA only fyi. My mom did ask the social worker months ago if "they could ask" my aunt not to come anymore and the social worker stated no. I wasn't aware that convo happened until a few months after it occurred.

My mom has a "trauma bond" with my aunt. My mom went about 5 years not talking to her, but since she lost her house, she started talking to her again because my aunt was eager to have my mom stay with her. Naturally, in spending those few months living together they started to "bond dysfunctionally" again. But the past 6 months my mom goes back and forth between saying she doesn't want to speak to her and then randomly yelling at me saying I need to "make up" with my aunt and forgive, blah blah blah. So it's very dysfunctional (which was the case before the stroke and now things are worse of course). I have made a permanent decision, cutting off contact now with most family due to them being flying monkeys as well, however, my mom 'flip flops' and is now the primary 'feed' for the flying monkeys in the family since I'm no longer speaking to practically anyone.

I should mention that a few months ago my mom was telling me a story about how my aunt used to place stuff in her ex-husband's food unbeknownst to him. As my aunt is a nurse, and because the stroke happened at my aunt's house, and because I had a very similar situation with my aunt years ago that was with respect to her 'tricking me' into eating something that she knew could have made me sick, I now have grave concerns about the safety of my mom when my aunt visits as she is always bringing her food.

Although I agree my brother made the right decision for him, I see my mother as a vulnerable person who I cannot personally leave to fend for herself and thus am not comfortable making the same decision that he did to just completely disappear. And believe me, I really want to many days.

I am my mother's healthcare POA.