How many of us are caring for elders with personality disorders like narcissism?

My Mom's still punishing me for being born. She's the meanest, cruelest person I've personally encountered, and sacrifices the ones she loves to self. It's all about her, and berating and accusing others, or choosing friends who cater to her whims. They don't know how she treats her family. What's up with that?

For the longest time, she had me convinced that I was the problem, but this just isn't reality. The weirdest thing is, others see her as "lovely." I certainly don't understand that, and never will. She is manipulator and playactor, and everyone else her stage production. Can't imagine how that feels. Soon, a court-appointed Guardian will take over. They will play her, spend her money "caring" for her needs. I didn't, and have no regrets. Just waiting to be free, and hoping that I learn something from this, though I don't know what that might be. I guess I just forget about loving someone who only wants to hate. I gave and gave and got stabbed in the back for loving. At least God saw my efforts. A wonderful relative did, too, and sent a huge (did I say huge?) monetary blessing, and we are planning a long-dreamed of vacation across country to spend some time with healthy people. She'll still be complaining to anyone who will listen.

Even though she's been this way all my life, I still don't understand. How can she be so convincing to others? Why do they think she's "lovely"? I think she's vulnerable, and about to get taken advantage of. That will not be a good day, but she won't see it coming or understand it when it does. And I won't be able to help her, as her new Guardian has designs, too. Her "witnesses" have set her up for the great heist, and she thinks they have her best interests at heart.

Dad escaped through Alzheimer's. I'll just drive away. I'll have to remember to send a post card.

That is exactly right. The only difference is I never lose hope with mom, but I'm also a realist. God designed me that way. I do my chores for my mother at AL and so forth, dad gets easily distracted from me, so there isn't much time there. I used to get really bothered when mom would feel like a "mom" and then hurt me so severely like wishing I was dead. My God-given counselor (truly), told me one thing that changed my thinking... "You can't get blood from a stone."

Only God can do that. I never lose hope for mom. So much so, that the story is too long to tell, but my counselor and I discovered that God was moving him to go do sessions with my mother on-site at the AL. Deep down I know that this counselor is mom's last chance. God is going to look at mom face to face one day (if she chooses not to heal), and say, "___, how many chances were you given? I gave you a good life, family and provisions. __, what have you done?"

God calls us to love, and sometimes that love is defined very clearly with sacrifice in the scriptures. But God has given each of us a purpose, and we can very easily get wrapped up and distracted from that purpose and that is where there is a fine line.

Take it easy and care for those children!!

mitzipinki

Thank you for your supportive words. I was 45 when I first began to learn about boundaries for I was at the end of my rope both personally and professionally and wanted my life back but could not even define that if that makes any sense at all.

In terms of kicking the queen/witch out, it was more out of visiting us in our house or going with us on vacations, forging my wife's name on CD to launder her money so we would have to pay taxes on it which she would give us money for.

To get my point accross to my wife who did not keep with our agreed upon boundaries concerning her mother, I had to leave my house with the boys for three nights and days as a consequnce for that boundary being broken. It only got broken one more time, but for things started to change for the better. As my therapist told me, when a man leaves his home with his children it is a more powerful statement than when a woman leaves because men tend not to be willing to leave their stuff etc. I don't know about that because I've often felt like I've been both dad and mom to these boys as well as sometime the dad my wife never had and sometimes a complete role reversal as if I was the wife. I know what that sounds like but it's the truth and people like my sister in law and close friends have made the same observations.


I guess that I should of said that I was being too good of a Southern Gentleman and from what I've seen in churches there are plenty of good Christian wimps and wimpers who will not stand up to dominating mean people who want to run the show and control with their money or their personality or both.

I never learned boundaries earlier or tend to my own needs for my single parent mother was very intrusive into my life and met her own emotional needs through me instead of meeting my emotional needs which she admited to later in 1986.

She told me that she knew that the way she raised me "my dad called it a pink pillow" would cause me a lot of pain in life but that she could not help it. She also tried very hard but unsuccessfully to keep my dad out of my life and constantly ran him down. He's not perfect but he's been the better of the two.

I am glad you had a good dad and sorry that you lost his protection. Sad to say but my father in law was not able to protect his twin girls, but he did raise one more than the other and she is much more like him.

I think that at this point my 78 year old m-n-l is beyond prayer, even prayer and fasting for as much as we would love to see a miracle take place in these people with a personaility disorder unless they get therapy, right meds and work hard for years like my wife has then nothing is going to change. So instead of being focused so much on her and her illness or even my wife illnesses, I focus more on my own health and the boys to the extend if anyone choses the same path fine and if they don't fine, but I'm tired of giving up the me that God made me to be a martyr for a bottomless pit of a personality disorder that is never filled!

Well, I've gotten that out and am on a roll even though I have had my bipolar med for the second half of the day.

Crowemagnum you are exactly right and what makes it especially difficult is when those personality types become seniors. It makes it so hard, and that is why I get so tired of those who say I owe my parents because they raised me, etc. My dad was a dad to me. He ran interference and he took a lot of it away from me. But when he had his stroke, and Alzheimer's kicked in.... he can't defend himself anymore. Mom took control even more so. The AL staff even tries to get dad to do activities or separate the too, but mom thinks for him, barks orders at him and is just miserable.

I learned boundaries at 40 years of age. It is not easy, but it is necessary in order to keep our sanity. Crowe, one statement that caught my attention, that being too nice a person and too good a Christian.... I will tell you this, Christianity is NOT for wimps!! It is tough to set boundaries out of love and it is tough to sometimes say no when you know its for a person's well being and your own health. I've been called many things and expletives for putting boundaries in place in my life, but I would not trade them for the world.

I'm sorry to hear about you having to throw her out. That honestly breaks my heart that someone has to go to that extreme and lose out. As a Christian, once you get past the anger, you need to pray for her. She needs help and it won't be from you it will come straight from God.

With my deepest prayers and heartfelt sympathies.... just go before God and guard your own heart at this point.

It not so much about winning, loosing or getting them to change. It becomes more how to protect ourselves with boundaries and not personalize their issues which have been so abusive since childhood. I don't think anyone should put down any adult child of a parent with a pesonality disoder that just frankly finds it beyond them to do much or anything at all. I think people like neonwocky are a miracle when you think of all she's been through. I know that it's different for those who grew up with such parents like my wife and her sister did, but mine were never that far out abd frankly I've never met such a man hating woman who talks equality but can only relate with males that she can control and enslave as if they were little boys. Anyone with good inlaws should thank God for them every day. The rest of us know where the inlaw jokes come from. For several years I was just too nice a person and too good of a Christian with that borderline queen/which until I'd had enough and put my foot down about her involvement in our lives, in our trips going on vacations and in our house. After 10 years, I kicked the b___ out. I am sorry for whatever her brothers did to her, but she does not have to hate all men for her entire life because of it.

Every time we try we lose. Soon we won't have to try anymore.

Oh I have a mother with NPD.... shared my stories all over these boards. Having an elderly NPD parent is extremely difficult. You do your best and sometimes you can go to the top of the mountain fighting, but sometimes it doesn't make a bit of difference.

I have discussed this on many of our forums lots of posts you may find some sad you may find some funny but all are true.

Thank you for beginning this thread. How about OCPD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, NPD, etc., alcohol and drug addictions, and now Alzheimer's and Lewy Bodies Dementia. That's two. Another parent has Vascular Dementia. We're in the thick of things, and have been since childhood.