Caring for my ill mother who's 88. How much say should my siblings have in my home when Mom comes?

Lovex,
I have a cute sign hanging in the kitchen:
"Bed & Breakfast"
"You make both".

Hi love3x, I think they should have as much say as they do help....no help = no say. The help they could give you and your family might be monetary (show them the bills you have been paying for her for the re-model, furniture, medical aids, Rx etc.) or physical/emotional help, such as weekly respite for you and your family, along with times for your family to go on vacations. In this way, you can get help that you need and THEY will get some idea of what it's like being a care-giver. This will also give the rest of the family time to try out some of their advice. They will get a clearer view of what it is to take care of a person with dementia....being accused of stealing or taking Mom's things, episodes of aggression that most non-caretakers have a hard time believing....I used to "love" being told 'Oh, she can't be that bad!' They can handle having to answer the same question over and over again or they can try and explain to your Mom that she is home, as she tries to leave the house (or get in the neighbors house as she is sure that it is hers....sigh). Blessings to you, Lindaz.)

And you can add nursing home care is 10k a month. That doesn't count for extras like having to go to doc appointments, a wheelchair van to take her, or a dedicated ambulance to take her to/from if she can't walk. Or dental, podiatrist etc. Some of that insurance picks up, but there is always out of pocket as well.
So it is cheaper to keep them at home, but the mental physical aspects mount up bc your there 24/7. Most put in an 8hr shift and clock out. You don't.
Remember to take vacation and personal days too. You should still be able to enjoy life.

Hi Lovex3 .... I have the exact same situation going on and it can be maddening. My mother (90) had a stroke about 6 months ago and every single day since she entered the hospital I have been there caring for her every need. I actually slept in the hospital with her and also through her three months of rehab. I change her, clean her, feed her, move her multiple times a day and much much more. I have two brothers who do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!. One lives with my mother but stays in his room 23 1/2 hours a day. Never coming out to speak to anyone, never asking mom how she is doing. A waste of a life ( he is 68 and has not had a job in 35 years) he moved in to help around the house and make sure mom was ok in case of falls etc. The other brother owns his own business and is hands on daily so I give him a little tiny pass. While in the hospital the boys popped in for 10 minutes here and there, never taking time to have dinner with her and spend some time just caring. It's sickening. Since mom got home I have been inundated with issues surrounding them. They call the doctors after I have already contacted them and ( not telling me or asking any questions) They have no idea what is going on with her they know NOTHING. I then get calls from the doctors office asking why there are three people calling about an issue that is not a problem. So far my mom has had 8 UTI infections ( that seems to be the thing they worry about the most even when she doesn't have the symptoms nor the actual infections. Mom had a little stomach bug a week ago and they claim she had a Urinary Tract Infection. Just ridiculous.
I have contacted the doctors asking them to PLEASE check in with me before they do anything the boys request. I try to tell them I have it handled but they for some reason stick their nose into her business. No communication between them and I they just take it upon themselves to decide what they are going to do. You have your mom moving into your home which makes for a little different dynamic. You will need to set some boundaries with them. I don't know your siblings but mine are not even open to discussing anything. If yours are semi reasonable you need to tell at least your brother that if there are issues surrounding mom he needs to discuss them with you prior to taking any actions. YOUR THERE THEY ARE NOT. My mom lives in her own home and the brother that lives there has some emotional issues, so I must deal with his lunacy. Unfortunately I did not sit down with my siblings and discuss what was going on I just stepped in became the caregiver and no one else offered to help or be involved. Now Im being criticized and harassed every single day with something that has happened and it becomes all my fault. I don't want you to go through that situation. I have been accused of everything from embezzlement to stealing jewelry to "Looting my mothers home for 16 hours a day" I have done NOTHING wrong except be there for my mom. First I got told to get a caregiver for her. Then I got told the bills were too high we cannot afford the caregiver. I stepped in I ended our contract with the agency and I became her full time caregiver. About three+ weeks ago one of them asked me about the caregiver situation I said we don't have one you said mom couldn't afford it. Then I get told we need someone in here to help her. He just wanted me out of the picture. SO I found another agency we got a caregiver who has been with us for two weeks. She is not Perfect but she is good at what she does. Today my brother said he cannot pay them. It's all just CRAZY!!!!... Just protect yourself ok, siblings become evil when it comes to issues such as these and the MONEY issues are even more disgusting. We have no communication any longer and when we do its a fight. I have tried to step out of their way and just take care of mom but when these things happen to our family it changes people, and It is never for the good. Good Luck if you need to talk more let me know.

That would be a shock for someone who's never stepped up to the caregiving table, but YOU can set the rules.

It looks like your life is very tough and you definetly need some time for you. I would suggest you to sign your elders up for elderly care center and focus on your living.

LoveX

I have met many family like yours.

You ask how much say should they have in my home?

In your home, none.

However it is important that you include them in decisions regarding who or where she is cared for and by whom.

Does every family member agree that the best place for you mother is in your home.

Have others asked to move her to their home, but you refused and wanted to take over her care yourself?

Perhaps your siblings feel she would be better cared for in a professional facility.

This may or may not be true. Have you had this discussion

Does your mother have her own assets to use for payment in such a facility?

Some family members who volunteer to caregive do not want to spend the parents' money because they feel it should be their inheritance. I find they will often deny that is the reason. Instead they say they think it is better for mom to be in their care.

Is that the reality? Do your siblings agree? Do you keep your siblings informed of doctor diagnoses or prognoses?

Some people take control and isolate the parent because they want to inherit everything and shut the siblings out. This type of behavior is financial elder abuse and if caught is a crime.

Other family members may not care about the inheritance and prefer that mom be in a professional facility with 24 hour caregivers.

This is often a huge bone of contention among siblings.

In my business I hear this complaint often.

If your mother has no assets, she will be eligible for medicaid.

With a little due diligence a very good facility that is non-profit and has an excellent rating can be found for mom.

LoveX

I have met many family like yours.

You ask how much say should they have in my home?

In your home, none.

However it is important that you include them in decisions regardingwhere she is cared for and by whom.

Does every family member agree that the best place for you mother is in your home? Do you all SHARE medical power of attorney so all decisions must be reviewed and sanctioned by all, or has one person grabbed total control?

Some people take control and isolate the parent because they want to inherit everything and shut the siblings out. This type of behavior is financial elder abuse and if caught is a crime.

Have others asked to move her to their home, but you refused and wanted to take over her care yourself?

Perhaps your siblings feel she would be better cared for in a professional facility.

This may or may not be true. Have you had this discussion

Does your mother have her own assets to use for payment in such a facility?

Some family members who volunteer to caregive do not want to spend the parents' money because they feel it should be their inheritance. I find they will often deny that is the reason. Instead they say they think it is better for mom to be in their care.

Is that the reality? Do your siblings agree?

Other family members may not care about the inheritance and prefer that mom be in a professional facility with 24 hour caregivers.

This is often a huge bone of contention among siblings.

In my business I hear this complaint often.

If your mother has no assets, she will be eligible for medicaid.

With a little due diligence a very good facility that is non-profit and has an excellent rating can be found for mom.

i can relate, i have caring for my mom since 2005, she is now at stage 5. i even got a bigger place so my sister or brother could stay and help, but all they did was tune her out, and now even more work for me with them being their dictating when they know "nothing" about her at all besides that she is their mom. they knew it all, to know nothing at all. therefore, i threw them out in order to keep myself strong mentally and physically, for the harder times up ahead when she is in her terminal stage.

Not a damn thing. This happens in every family. If advice is given, that's one thing. Some even may help.
But, if they TELL you what should be done , and say YOU should do this & that, tell them to shove off.
Tell them if THEY don't like how YOU are handling this situation, ( and it's a LOT of work ,time, and effort) then they can take care of your Mom, in their own homes.
You know to expect, arugements. Find your voice, and DON'T give in. If you do, you will regret it.